Speaking of long distance! We met on FB after many years apart, and live in different states. What about if there is loving romantic communication, and you respond in kind, in addition to calls… However, when it comes to positive communication, we do not talk often enough (for me) so the postive gaps get filled in some times w/email and text and (dare I say) messages on FB (but not on the wall). We also have had a lot of fun s/exting…as our physical relationship is also long distance, and there can be an emotional component to turning each other on via text also. Bottom line, I wish it was more intimate, more calls, more often…I just told him this, and he has been more attentive since the conversation. — Deb from a Distance

And here’s another comment from my college blog Enter to Grow in Wisdom on a post about long distance relationships being a bad idea:

First of all, not everybody who’s in a long-distance relationship through college breaks up. Just because you haven’t personally seen anybody make it doesn’t mean nobody does. That’s a pretty irrational attitude to take: “I haven’t seen this happen; therefore it CANNOT happen.” I’ve met and heard of plenty of people who’ve gotten married after long-distance relationships… — Miriam from Chicago

Sometimes I feel like the climate scientist who’s trying to tell the world about the ravages of global warming and someone gets up and says, “But it was cold in Milwaukee today, so there can’t possibly be global warming.”

So let me put this as clearly as possible, once and for all:

A long-distance relationship is no relationship at all.

I can hear the howls of protest already.  How can you say that, you’re over-generalizing, you don’t know our relationship, you don’t know what you’re talking about, etc etc.

Yeah, yeah.  Heard it all.  So let’s break it down from the top.

1. Human evolution didn’t really accommodate long-distance relationships.

One way to look at who you are today is as a product of 3 million years of evolution.  All of your design features and behaviors are molded by evolution, in the same way that the Grand Canyon’s molded by wind, water and sand.  The goal of all of this is to perpetuate the species — or, in an even more reductionistic take a la Richard Dawkins, to perpetuate your genes.

Back in the days of the savannah, there was no email.  There was also no texting, sexting, Skype or phones.  Come to think of it, there was no mail service to deliver letters.  Or pens.  Or even written language.

In other words, the mere possibility of any kind of long-distance relationship has only existed for about 10,000 years at best.  And maybe for the past 100 years we’ve had reliable means of long-distance communication.  For the remaining 2.99 million years of human evolution, relationship was based on communication in proximity: the smell, sound, look, feel and touch and taste of your mate.  And even though we live in modern times, those ancient systems still rule the courtship process.

Sure, it’s nice to have a pen pal or a confidante even far away.  Or a harbor in some faraway port that would welcome your visit.  However, a real human relationship occurs at distances where your mirror neurons engage and you can establish a psychophysiological circuit with another human being.  Otherwise, you’ve just got a menu, not the food.

2. You never get to really know your partner in a long-distance relationship.

The real substance of intimacy is regular, day-to-day interaction.  That’s when you find out that he squeezes the toothpaste tube from the middle, she leaves the bathroom a mess, he lets the rubbish bin overfill — and you love each other in spite of it all.  If you’re in a long-distance relationship, every time you see each other is like Christmas.  You don’t have a chance to get bored by each other or find out about your incompatible movie preferences because you’re too busy making googly eyes at each other and having hot sex.

So you never really get to know each other.  And when you do end up living in the same town (or apartment), you start finding out some interesting new facts about one another — e.g. he’s married, she’s an escort, etc.  See the excerpt below from The Tao of Dating for Women.

But of course, there’s more: you’ll spend a lot of Friday nights being lonely and frustrated and secretly blame your partner for it; you’ll be turning down a lot of offers from great guys and gals interested in you because you’re ‘taken’; and other stuff that I’ve covered mostly in the excerpt below:

Long-distance relationships: a brief, biased rant

Let’s say you meet a fantastic guy on a vacation trip.  You spend several days together, and generally have a wonderful time.  In fact, you get along so well that you decide to continue seeing each other after the trip.  There’s only one issue: he lives in Austin; you live in Los Angeles.  Should you continue seeing him or not?

Here’s my stance on long-distance relationships: more often than not, they are a setup for disappointment and heartbreak.  A long-distance relationship could work out – ‘working out’ meaning that it brings both partners tons of fulfillment over the long-term and maybe ends up in something like marriage.  However, it’s not likely that it will work out.  Now my job is to help you find long-term fulfillment – not quick fixes, not the entertainment of your whim, or any kind of longshot that’s over 90% likely to bring you more pain than joy.  And the rare long-distance relationship that does work out is the exception that proves the rule.

Here’s why.  Let’s go back to the idea of fulfillment-centered dating.  Fulfillment is a feeling, not a person. And there are many, many persons who could provide that feeling of fulfillment – just as there are several different kinds of food that could fill you without all of them having to be Cherry Garcia ice cream.

Fulfillment is having someone to catch a movie with on a Friday night, someone to dress up with to the opera and snuggle with afterwards, someone to share brunch with on a Sunday morning.  For the most part, someone who lives more than 200 miles away from you cannot provide you with those fulfillment feelings, simply due to geographical constraints.

Before we go any further, let me define what I mean by a long-distance relationship.  You are in a long-distance relationship if the physical distance or scheduling challenges between you and your partner preclude spontaneity and you can see each other less than once a week.  90 miles of distance between you will do that, as well as exceptionally busy schedules.  In fact, you may already be in a long-distance relationship with someone in your own city and not know it.

Now let’s explore what would happen if, say, you started to date seriously (whatever that means to you) a man who lives more than 200 miles away.  First, chances are you would see each other relatively infrequently – two or three times a month.  This means that every time you do see each other, it’s just like Christmas!  You are thrilled to see one another, and it’s a highlight reel of fun times.

As great as this sounds, it does not allow for the natural, everyday dynamic between you to develop – the way you would interact if, say, you were married and saw each other on a daily basis.  So even though you’re having a lot of fun, you effectively know nothing about one another in a domestic arrangement where you see each other regularly.

Second, no man is an island – they all come with their buddies and cronies, as do you.  To assess accurately whether you and a given man get along, you need to see him in his natural habitat (and vice versa).  In the perpetual first date that is most long-distance relationships, you’ll never find out that his friends annoy you to no end and frankly smell funny.  Or that his mother hates you.  These are useful things to know before getting deeply involved with anyone.

Third, an unconscious undercurrent of resentment will develop regardless of how well you get along because of the sheer effort involved in seeing each other.  Why couldn’t he be closer?  If he loves me so much, why can’t he just move here?  If you don’t ask that question yourself, your friends will, and they will also resent the fact that he’s the cause of your being away for long stretches of time.  Moreover, he will probably be having similar thoughts.

That said, there are circumstances under which a long-distance relationship could work out.  In my observation, two criteria need to be fulfilled.  First, there needs to be a definite deadline by which you have both agreed to live in the same town.  Second, you both know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you will be together for the long term when you do make the move.  In other words, you’re already engaged or close to it.

If you’re in doubt and still wondering what course of action to take, err on the side of caution.  A man who loves you enough will offer to move to your city.  And when he does, if you truly love him, you will ask him to get his own apartment, since that gives the relationship the best chance of success.

Let’s examine two case studies, one in which a long-distance relationship worked and another in which it did not.  Perhaps you can spot elements in each story that contributed to the success or demise of the relationship.

Case 1: Hillary and Tom.

Hillary and Tom met through Howard, a mutual friend.  Tom was Howard’s best friend in college, and Hillary had worked with Howard for several months.  Howard knew both of them well and thought they would make a good match, both being highly educated, intelligent, level-headed individuals on successful career tracks.  Although both Tom and Hillary had many interests and were lots of fun to be around, neither was the partying type.  Both came from stable family backgrounds where the parents were married for over 30 years.  Tom was 27 and Hillary was 25 when they met.

On their first dates, Tom and Hillary hit it off.  At the time, they both lived in Boston.  After a year of dating, they were engaged to marry.  However, Tom was to leave for the Bay Area in a few months.  They decided to stay together even though Tom was moving to the opposite coast, 2600 miles away.  Hillary knew she would be done with graduate school in a year and a half, at which point she would get a job in the Bay Area.

Tom and Hillary actually got married before Tom’s departure.  And I’m thrilled to say that ten years hence, they are still happily married and just had their first child.

Case 2: Kristina and Jeff.

Kristina was a beautiful 37-year old Hungarian émigré who had lived in Los Angeles for 4 years.  She moved to Los Angeles after her divorce and decided to start over.  Being independent, driven and adventurous, she decided to start her dream business, and after two years of challenges, the business was starting to grow.

At this time, encouraged by a friend, she decided to attend an expensive 5-day motivational seminar in San Francisco to get her life on track and accelerate her success.  At the seminar, she met Jeff, a dashing, independently wealthy American who lived in San Francisco.  The seminar was emotionally and physically intense, and they spent almost all their time there together.

After the seminar, they continued seeing each other, sometimes Jeff coming down to LA, other times Kristina flying up to San Francisco.  Every time, Jeff would suggest that Kristina leave LA behind and move to San Francisco to live with him.  Kristina was wary of abandoning her business, but he told her not to worry – he had plenty of money and was happy to provide for both of them until she found her footing.  It seemed like an ideal arrangement.  After a few months, Kristina, with some reservations but feeling adventurous and optimistic, gave in to Jeff’s blandishments and moved to San Francisco.

It took about two weeks of living together to make both Kristina and Jeff realize that this arrangement was not going to work.  They had never lived together in close quarters, and under the pressure of constant daily contact, the magic in their relationship faded.  Towards the end, Kristina felt as if she did not know Jeff very well at all.  Additionally, independent Kristina did not enjoy being unemployed, dependent and effectively at the mercy of someone else financially.  She moved back to Los Angeles, emotionally exhausted and a little disappointed in herself, but glad that she had extricated herself from a bad situation.  She only wished that she had not gotten in that situation in the first place.

These are two real examples of what can happen in a long-distance relationship, and perhaps two extremes of the spectrum.  All the same, you can recognize the indicators of potential success and failure of a given long-distance relationship from the way the players and stage are set.  Generally speaking, a high-risk scenario is fun in the short term and painful in the long term.  A low-risk scenario may be less fun in the short term but a better setup for long-term fulfillment.

Dear Alex,
It seems people write in to you often with their various romantic conundrums, so I thought I’d give it a go.

In short: a guy I dated back about 20 years ago in college got back in touch with me. He has been married since his early 20s – met the woman almost right after we had dated – and basically things are not completely happy in marital land, particularly when it comes to the physical relationship.

When he got in touch I was wondering, OK, the guy is married, what does he want… It turns out they have agreed to have an open relationship meaning both are free to pursue romantic liaisons with others. They do have two almost grown children and have been through their ups and downs. But it was clear he was committed to staying with her. I happen to be 40, single and seeking a committed, loving relationship and maybe the possibility of a family. So…

We did end up meeting once for coffee, and then decided to have a visit. It turned out to be very emotionally and physically intense. We got along very well and were extremely attracted to one another. Now, I am left wondering, why did I do this… In fact I have fallen a bit in love with the guy, given the fact he is just about all that I want in a partner – smart, intellectual, kind, sexy, warm, down to earth, worldly, sensual — except for the married part.

My feeling is that you probably would unequivocally steer good, kind, smart, sexy women away from this scenario. After all, what I want is the partnership, someone to give me their total attention and commitment. And here I am in love with a married guy who seems to be trying out seeing other people. A clue is the fact that he has expressed the fact this is probably “not healthy for either of us” to do on a regular basis. Which indicates to me either it was also emotionally intense for him (I know it was good in other ways), and he is not ready to jeopardize his marriage.

For myself, I am wondering why a guy would stay married to a woman who is clearly not meeting his needs. I mean, the fellow seemed starved for contact and a real erotic connection. So I am left feeling puzzled, a bit hurt, and a bit angry at myself for getting myself into this sticky wicket in the first place.
So I am curious to know what your take is on this.

With thanks,
Dubious Desiree

First of all, Desiree, just want to say how much I appreciate your writing a letter devoid of spelling and grammatical mistakes.  I’d fax you a piece of Godiva if the technology existed.

Second, I’d like to commend you on predicting my response.  Your guess that I would “unequivocally steer good, kind, smart, sexy women away from this scenario” is right on.

Imagine this: you’re on the market to buy a house.  In the meantime, you’ve stumbled upon a really nice place that you just love, love, love.  Except that the owner has made it very clear that it’s for rent only. But you think, “Hey, I really like this place.  Why don’t I just move in and see what happens.”

What happens is that you really do like this place.  And after a few months, you ask the owner if he’s willing to sell.  Nope, he says.  And you realize that you have to do the search all over again, and go through the pain of moving all over again.

Did you know that place was for rent only?  Yes you did.  Did you go ahead and do the imprudent thing and move in anyway, even though you were in the market to buy a place?  Yup.  Got anyone to blame but you?  Nope.

To end the extended metaphor, you’re looking to buy, Desiree (that’s when you said “what I want is the partnership, someone to give me their total attention and commitment”).  He’s looking to lease (aka fooling around).

This is simply not going to work out in your favor.

It’s cute that you’ve ‘fallen in love’, as you put it, but not very helpful.  And you’ve grown up to become a 40yr old woman — not a girl — so you have the capacity to resist self-destructive impulses like this.  Exercise that capacity.

Also, when you were in your twenties, you could afford to blow five years or ten on a mediocre relationship.  Without putting too fine a point on it, you no longer have that luxury of time.

So you need to start looking elsewhere.   Immediately.

Now this may not be what you want to hear, ’cause you’re having so much fun!  You feel so alive!  (Incidentally, that’s exactly the kind of thing a novice heroin or coke user would say.)

But this is what I want you to focus on: the amount of frustration, pain and puzzlement you’re feeling right now is nothing compared to what you’ll feel if you continue this dalliance another few months.  You need to bail immediately, for your own good and his.  Once he’s properly divorced, single and not a swinger, then you can talk again.  Maybe.

I think it’s great that you are clear on what truly fulfills you: “what I want is the partnership, someone to give me their total attention and commitment.” So go for it! Go talk to some of the other 3 billions dudes on the planet.  I bet there are a few hundred million of them who are more available than this fella and less toxic for you.  You’re in a vulnerable state, so the best way to make sure this doesn’t go any further is to start hanging out with other guys.

best
AB

Today, we’re going to talk about how to reverse the process and start doing things that make him want to stick around forever (assuming forever is what you’re shooting for, which sounds like an awful long time if you ask me, but I digress).

It turns out that it’s actually pretty simple: you just reverse the aforementioned emasculating behaviors, turning them into masculating behaviors.  But just ’cause it’s simple doesn’t mean it’s easy, so roll those sleeves up, sister — there’s some work to do.

I call these gifts, because that’s what it feels we’re receiving when a woman does this kind of thing for us — yeah, it’s that awesome.  And when you give these gifts, a man feels as if you love him just as he is, not as the version you were hoping to mold him into.  And that is priceless and rare:

1) Give him his freedom. Freedom is a man’s most treasured possession.  The more of it you give him, the more he will respect you and, paradoxically, the more he will want to run back to you.  Even if you’re crazy about a guy, resist the temptation to spend every waking moment with him.  As one wise person said it, give him the gift of missing you.  He’ll just want to spend time with you that much more.

2) Give him your trust. The more you have faith in a man and allow him to take charge, the more he grows in the masculine.  And if you’re the one making him feel ten feet tall, he’ll just seek out your company that much more.

3) Give him your word. Heard of the expression “behind every great man is a great woman”? This is your chance to be that woman.  When you consistently do as you say you will, a man will have deeper and deeper trust in you.  This will make him feel as if he has a partner who really has his back.  As a result, he will be bolder, bigger and stronger in everything that he does and has you to thank for it.

4) Give him your praise. It may not seem so, but we guys are actually kind of fragile inside.  And a lot of scientists are convinced that everything we do is to impress women, from building large monuments to launching wars.  In fact, evolutionary psychologist Geoffrey Miller makes a convincing case that we evolved such outsize brains mostly to enable skills that would impress mates.

So give the poor fellow some acknowledgment to make him feel as if all the paintings he painted, the buildings he built, the poetry he scribbled and wealth he accumulated have been worthwhile.  Praise him for the little things, for the attention he gives you, for his small victories.  You will allow him to grow into the kind of man who is capable of even bigger victories – and of creating more monuments to you.

5) Give him your grace. Every boy slips every once in a while or does something naughty.  We know you’re smart, so we know that you know when we slip.  As long as the slipping is not a regular occurrence (see the section on Bad Boys), this is your opportunity to open your heart and offer the man redemption.  A man will be eternally grateful for your giving him a second chance – and grow into a much bigger man as a result of your demonstration of faith.

Dr. Alex,

I am in the midst of a separation initiated by my husband.  I don’t want a divorce.  He says the main reason we cannot live together is because of what he calls my “emasculating behaviors”.  He claims I may not even be aware of when I am doing “it”, but when I ask him to specifically explain what these behaviors are, he can’t.  So I came across you website and thought I’d ask you, what are typical emasculating behaviors so I might be able to explore and identify if I do them?  Thanks for your time,

Beth

Well, funny you should mention that, Beth.  Because I just so happen to have a whole section devoted to emasculating behaviors in The Tao of Dating for Women (straight out of Ch 11, Romance, or what to do on a date, pp 230-231).   Although my expertise is not in already-established relationships but rather in the process leading to one, it’s safe to assume that these principles hold no matter which phase of courtship you find yourself in.

First, I just want all of you to know that you’re not an awful person if you’re doing these things.  Chances are that you’re doing them unconsciously, meaning that you’re simply not aware of them, as Beth mentioned.  So no need to beat yourself up for having done stuff like that up to know.  Guilt, shame and blame are three of the biggest wastes of energy you can indulge in.

That said, now that I’m telling you what these behaviors are, you have one less excuse for keeping them in your repertoire.  If you want your man to stay with you, chances are you care for him.  And if you care for him, why would you want to make him miserable?  You don’t.  So quit doing these things.  And listen to him when he says you’re doing them, because he’s the only person qualified to tell you how he feels.

As a general rubric, the highest value of the divine masculine is freedom.  So anything that curtails a man’s freedom emasculates him.  Also, if you believe that energy flows where attention goes, then whichever part of a man you give attention to will grow (quit the snickering already, ladies, but yes, that too).  So when you give him the wrong kind of attention, you’ll end up with the wrong kind of man on your hands.

With that, here are the five emasculating behaviors:

1) Overly solicitous attention.  When you give a man this kind of attention, you are encouraging the boy in him to grow, denying his mature masculine.  Unless that is your goal, reserve overwhelming solicitude for children under 12.  Mothering is smothering.

2) Jealous attention. Questioning a man about his associations questions his devotion to you.  Jealousy always has the effect of driving him away from you — the opposite of what you want it to accomplish.  Leave the cage door open, otherwise you have no idea if he’s staying of his own volition.

3) Critical attention. Playfully teasing and challenging a man is fine when done in moderation.  Cutting him down is not.  Cutting him down in public is pretty much a crime, punishable by breakup.

4) Competing. Competition is a very masculine activity, so when you choose to compete with your man, you are risking destruction of the masculine-feminine polarity between you.  Now it has to be restored somehow.  If he wins, you will feel put down; if you win, he will feel emasculated. You lose either way, so you’re better off avoiding competition entirely.

5) Correcting. Leave that for after you’ve started dating seriously.  And even then, there are better and worse ways of doing it which are beyond the scope of this article.  Okay, if he says ‘irregardless’ or ‘I could care less’, you need to set the boy straight, but do it playfully and lovingly.  Generally, you have the choice of being either right or cherished.  Pick one.

Alright, so those are the five behaviors you shouldn’t engage in.  If you manage to clean your act up, you’ve basically stopped slapping him around — and that’s a great start.  Heck, some guys may appreciate the new slap-free regime so much as to stick around just for that reason.

But if you have a Good Guy on your hands — someone who knows who he is and what he’s worth who treats you well — then mere lack of nastiness ain’t gonna keep him around (or bring him back, in Beth’s case).  Now you need to go the extra mile, sister.  What have you done for him lately?  I’m asking you that question not to be a smartass (which I admit to being) but because that’s the question he’s asking himself as he’s packing his bags and heading for the door.

It turns out that it’s actually pretty simple: you just reverse the aforementioned emasculating behaviors, turning them into masculating behaviors (tada, just coined a new word — you’re welcome).  I actually call them gifts, because that’s what it feels like when a woman does this kind of thing for us.  We will go over those tomorrrow.

Best

AB

Men: this is the highest expression of the unarticulated longing inside your heart for the divine feminine.  It’s also the solution to all of your dating woes.  If this is how you see women and convey it to them, you will have throngs of goddesses adoring you wherever you go.

Women: this is about you.  Realize that you are the goddess right here, right now.  Ease into it, live it, breathe it, and radiate it outward.  It’s also the solution to all of your dating woes.  If you show up as the goddess and gradually lead him into the inner sanctum of your divine feminine, he cannot resist. This is what the whole Tao of Dating program is about.

That said, here’s the beginning of the article.  Blog protocol requires that I put up an excerpt and direct you to the original source, so go to it:

“A few days ago, after a particularly exquisite evening with my wife Chameli, I put this post up on Facebook before going to bed:

“I have had many, many great teachers in my life. A super abundance. No one and nothing comes close to the woman who is now asleep in the bedroom. My marriage has become the guru, the salvation, the muse, the crack through which the divine shines through.”

When I woke up the next morning, there were the usual offerings of people who liked the post as well as comments. One man had the vulnerability and courage to post this on facebook:

“Thank you Arjuna for this sharing, I feel like [I'm] in front of a choice which is between feeling envious of what you have and I don’t, or instead to decide that ‘I want that too,’ and, as you show, it is possible…”

I was touched.

Over the next days, I got several more messages like this from men: vulnerable men, honest men, rare and courageous men. They came in as private messages on Facebook or through our website, and they all said basically the same thing:

“I read your Facebook post. I want what you have. Show me how to get it.”

So, friends, here it is. The short guide on how to worship a woman, and why it’s the wisest thing that a man can do. First of all, lets pop a few very understandable doubts that you might have. I’m familiar with all of them.

1. “I’m wounded and damaged in my relationships to the feminine.”
So am I, dear brother, so am I. My parents divorced in a messy way when I was four. I grew up alone with my mother. She did her very best to provide for me, but she was unhappy and insecure. By the time I started to have relationships with women myself in my early teens, I discovered that I had a mountain of resentments, fears, and separation in my relation to the feminine. The conscious practice of worship can become a part of healing the wounds.

2. “Arjuna, you’re lucky. You’ve got an incredible partner. I’m together with a woman who’s not like Chameli.”

I really don’t have the ultimate answer to that doubt or question. It certainly could seem to be the case that I’ve been lucky in finding a great woman, but here’s how it happened for me. I’ve had a lot of less lucky connections in my life. I’ve experienced my share of the manipulative side of the feminine: the victim, the rageful, the vengeful. And I have seen the ugly side of the masculine psyche in myself. A few weeks prior to meeting Chameli, my wife, something deep and profound shifted in me, which I believe can shift for anyone in the same way.

3. “I don’t have a partner at all, and I sometimes doubt if I’ll ever meet anybody.”
Being with a partner where worship is not flowing, or not being with a partner at all, are basically two aspects of the same situation: you’ve had an intuition or a glimpse of the possibilities of a deeper love, and you want more of it. The solutions are the same.

4. “I feel my heart is closed down. I live in my head a lot, and I wouldn’t even know what worship was if it broke into my house at 2 o’clock in the morning and held me at gunpoint.”
That’s where the whole thing starts for all of us, when we realize that we don’t yet know how to love. And that’s that the big question that you have to consider: “Is that okay with me?” Never mind how much money you make, or how many friends you have on Facebook, no matter how nice a house you live in, or no matter how big a car you drive, no matter how impressive your partner’s bust size, or how much you meditate and become spiritual… have you loved for real, in a total and undefended way? If not, and here’s where you have to be honest with yourself, is that OK with you? Is it OK to die one day without the heart’s gift having been fully given?

Eight or nine years ago, I came to that question in myself, exactly that, and I discovered that the answer was…” continue reading here

One of the best of the happiness batch is The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want by UC Riverside Professor of Psychology Sonja Lyubomirsky. Amongst all the happiness texts I’ve read (and there have been about 8), this one I found to be the most practical in its ability to increase real happiness in your life.

This is because of Prof Lyubomirsky’s judicious use of questionnaires and the Person-Activity Fit Diagnostic, which figures out which activities end up creating the most happiness for you. The results for me were somewhat surprising and allowed me to focus more of my time and energy on the activities that, unbeknownst to myself, meant the most to me.

Prof Lyubomirsky, a Santa Monica neighbor and fellow Harvard grad, was kind enough to let me into her home for a very informative interview which you can watch below. I recommend everyone, young and old, to get a copy of The How of Happiness for yourself and someone you love. There is no greater gift than enabling “the experience of joy, contentment or positive well-being, combined with a sense that one’s life is good, meaningful and worthwhile.” So go forth and be a happiness enabler.

In Part 1, we talk about how the book can help you custom-design your own happiness program. We also discuss savoring, flow, and 2 of the 3 happiness myths.

In Part 2, we finish up the happiness myths, get into hedonic adaptation and the infamous story of Markus and Roland.

Get your copy of The How of Happiness on Amazon

I’m a huge fan of the Tao of Dating, (which I’ve read 2x now), and we’ve spoken a couple of times online. I’m writing to you because I’m in a situation that’s mostly great, though a little tricky to navigate; and I’d love to get your take on the matter.

I started at a new full-time job about 6 weeks ago. I’ve met a woman with whom I really get along. We chat online almost all day while at work. I get along with her two female office friends. We all often go to lunch together. She and I make plans during the day to take coffee breaks together. Today we had an office beach party, and she and I ended up spending a lot of the day together. We get along great and gravitate towards one another.

If we didn’t work together, it would almost be a no-brainer. Thing is, we do, and it’s a new job. We made tentative plans to see a movie together next week. I just don’t want to rush anything or force anything. I’m trying not to invest too much into just her, but I find myself thinking about her often. I’m not afraid of being bold…I just feel like timing might be everything in this situation…(?) Any words of wisdom? It would be most appreciated.

I continue to love your work, and I sincerely hope all is well with you.

All the best,
Gabe

My good man Gabe.  Nice to hear from you.  Appreciate the praise.  No need to stop, really — keep it coming :)

Awright, so this romance at work thing may seem like a sticky situation.  You meet someone you like, and you seem to get along.  But then, there are the observing eyes of your co-workers, not to mention their ever-wagging tongues — the implication, the innuendo, the gossip.

There’s also a problem of hierarchy, since one person tends to be on top of the other one, so to speak.  To compound the complications, there’s always the concern about what happens should you break up.  Then you’re stuck in the same office having to see each other every day — the very definition of awkward.

Now let’s take the flip side of this.  I want you to think about an ideal place to meet a future mate.  In the Tao of Dating books (for men and women), I talk about the three Cs that make for an optimal venue: conversation-friendliness, community and continuity.

Conversation-friendliness is exactly what it sounds like: it means that you can carry on a meaningful conversation relatively free of distraction and interruption.  A bar or club is the antithesis of a conversation-friendly venue; a dinner party the apotheosis.  A workplace, with its myriad occasions for casual conversation — lunch and coffee breaks, for example — gets high scores in this domain.

Community means that there’s a reason for you to be in a venue: you have something in common.  Two people in the same workplace already have scads in common.  Another good start.

But the real clincher is continuity — the opportunity to extend the interaction over time, perhaps over multiple encounters.  This may be the most important of the three, because people tend to make new friends over multiple points of contact, over several casual, nonthreatening interactions.  For example, a dinner party is great for having an initial extended interaction with someone new.  But then it’s over.  A night school class is even better, since you get to get to see one another once or twice a week over several weeks.  This is the structure for building familiarity and affection, and the workplace has plenty of it.

So according to the three Cs, the workplace is an excellent place to get to know a future mate.  Some caveats:

• A relationship between a superior and a subordinate, although as old as the hills, complicates matters somewhat, since at home you’re equals but at work you’re clearly not.
• If you work closely together — say, same department or team — that also complicates matters.  Being together all the time at work and away from work introduces new variables to deal with.  Being in the same company but in different domains tends to be easier.
• If there is a breakup (and there usually is), you’ll still be seeing each other daily and expected to be civil around one another.

So, to get back to Gabe’s question, my advice is simple: stop overthinking it.  If you enjoy her company, hang out with her.  See what happens on a day-to-day basis.  Work is one of the best places to meet people.  where else can you get to know what people are really like, in a casual, non-threatening setting where you see one another regularly?

Don’t worry if it doesn’t work out — chances are very good you’re not going to marry each other anyway, and nothing was meant to last forever.  You’re both respectful adults and can handle whatever comes your way, so focus on the present fun instead of the future end.  If you treat each other well, even if things don’t work out, you’ll still be friends and happy to see one another.
One day at a time
AB

“You said we can change people’s behaviors by holding higher images of them.
I am living with someone who considers us broken up and that he is my ex.  He has fallen in love with someone who lives in Geneva.  I am living with him because at the moment I do not have the money to move.
I love him, and we still have sex.
I want him back in love with me.

Suggestions?  Thank you!”
– Mindy

This is an excellent letter because it opens up so many cans of worms at once. Fine situation to be in for an afternoon of fishing.  Otherwise, the news is less auspicious.

First, allow me to clarify: yes, you can change people’s behaviors by holding them to higher images of themselves.  It may be the only way you can do that.  However, this only works in a consensual setting of an ongoing relationship of trust and mutual respect.

For example, if you walk up to some poorly-dressed person on the street and just start dispensing fashion advice, it’s not likely to go very far.  Whereas the same advice to a friend, child or relative may have an effect.

The second zinger in this letter is the “I love him and we still have sex” part.  All while the boy says he’s in love with someone else and considers the two of them broken up.

This is what I call Big Mac sex.  Big Macs taste pretty good but are fantastically fattening (and maybe even poisonous).  They also have minimal nutritional value and replace food that would be good for you.  Also, you need both hands to eat a Big Mac, which means that you are in no position to accept the filet mignon that the world may be offering you.

The filet mignon in this case is the good guy who is into Mindy and would like to have a meaningful relationship with her.  But what good guy would be dumb enough to date a girl who’s not only living with her ex but also having regular sex with him and professing to love him still and want him back?

This is the ultimate lose-lose situation.

Finally, there is the statement I want him back in love with me.

Do you?  Really?  I mean, it seems like this guy is giving you a pretty raw deal here.  And yet, you want him back in love with you?

This exhibits two of the cardinal Tao of Dating sins.  First, it’s forgetting that fulfillment is a feeling, not a person.  Seems like Mindy here is assuming that somehow, Mr Ex is going to bring her fulfillment and no other man can.  Is that true?  Considering how there are 3 billion other men out there, it seems an unlikely proposition.

It’s also violating the principle of abundance (see 3 billion other men).  Surely there’s someone out there with whom you can do better, Mindy.

It’s understandable that Mindy is in a bit of a quandary with her living arrangements.  However, we’re never as stuck as we think we are, and Mindy’s got some homework to do.  Once she starts disentangling herself from her ex and setting some boundaries that show respect for herself and him, then the door opens for further evolution in her life.  That much is in her power.

Be sure to chime in with your comments regarding this matter — very curious what kind of experience others have had with this.

That’s when I realized: it’s not my usual teacher.  It’s that other guy whose class I went to accidentally last week.  And he was playing music.  Pop and rock music.  Loud pop and rock music.  And something deep down inside me didn’t want to repeat that experience.

I’ve been a student of yoga and other meditative practices for over 10 years now, so I have a good idea of what works for me in a class and what doesn’t.

I’m also a practicing hypnotherapist and lapsed neuroscientist who understands some of the workings of the human mind.  In this case, I’m convinced that playing loud pop music during a yoga class is potentially harmful.  In this letter to all my past and future teachers, I’ll enumerate the reasons why.

Here, I’m assuming a few basic understandings about yoga.  First, that yoga is an inner practice, chiefly aimed at allowing us to go within.  This aligns with the second of Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras: yogas chitta vritti nirodhah — the purpose of yoga is to calm the fluctuations of the mind.

Second, that yoga does not engage in harm — the principle of ahimsa.  In my reasons below, I explain how certain features of loud pop music violate the first or second principle.

Of course, it is fully within your rights as a teacher to conduct classes however you want.  But if you’re interested in imparting the maximum benefit to your students without doing any harm, you would do well to read this article and implement its suggestions.

1) Music, especially when it contains words, makes it more difficult to focus on the yoga practice.

Music is a terrific stimulant for the brain.  This is why people love to listen to it and pay huge sums to purchase music, stereos and concert tickets.  Extensive studies show that music lights up vast swaths of your brain — not just the auditory centers, but also areas mediating emotion.  Add to that the lyrics from a song, and all the language areas of the brain light up, too.  In fact, there’s hardly anything that activates more of your brain than a good song.

All of this means that music is also a tremendous distraction to the task of going within.  With all that interesting sound coming at you and your brain figuring out pitch, intervals, melody, harmony, the meaning of the words and the appropriate emotional response to them, it becomes much more challenging to focus on the orientation of your thigh in Warrior I pose, the rhythm of your breathing, or the subtle opening of your heart chakra.

It also defeats one of the highest purposes of yoga — that of a moving meditation.  I’m not an expert at meditation, but no meditative practice I’ve studied believes loud music or talking enhances one’s ability to concentrate — not Buddhist, not Zen, not yogic, not mantra-based.

Speaking of talking, the lyrics in pop music also constitute a conversation.  It’s like someone is talking on a cell phone really loud, accompanied by drums and guitar, and I have no choice but to listen.  Conversation detracts from concentration.  If you subscribe to yogas chitta vritti nirodhah, then loud verbal music increases the fluctuations of the mind-stuff.

2) Lyrics can have unintentionally harmful side effects.

Psychologist John Bargh did an experiment in which subjects were asked to make sentences out of a list of jumbled words as quickly as possible, ostensibly being tested for speed and accuracy. In fact, there were two tests: one which contained words such as ‘grey’, ‘bingo’, ‘wrinkle’, ‘old’, and ‘Florida’, and another which contained no such words.

What the experimenters were really measuring was not performance on the quiz, but the time it took for the subjects to leave the testing room and to get to the front door of the building after completing the quiz. What they found was both startling and enlightening: those who had words in their quizzes connoting old age got to the front door 30% slower than those who didn’t. This means that for a brief interval following the quiz sprinkled with those words, they behaved as if  they had gotten older.

It’s amazing that something as subtle as words sprinkled in a test can affect a person’s behavior measurably.  This effect is amplified when the subject is in a highly suggestible meditative state. As such, in my hypnotherapy practice, I use embedded commands to change behavior — “Doesn’t it feel great to quit smoking forever, John?”  It’s a standard implement in any hypnotherapist’s toolbox, and it works.

Yoga students are in a meditative and therefore highly suggestible state.  So when the pop song blares “just can’t take the pain” or “without you I cannot live” (or confusingly in one hip-hop song, “get offa my boy”), it’s sending commands straight to your unconscious to do — who knows what.  All I know is that it’s not what I signed up for.

3) Students have to strain to hear the teacher over loud music.

It takes a tremendous amount of cognitive resources to make sense of what someone is saying in an environment with competing noise.  So when a yoga teacher plays loud music, I have to strain to understand the instructions.  For me, this introduces unnecessary strain, detracting from the ease, concentration and flow of the practice.

4) Loud music is innately stressful.

You’ve heard the trope that we’re born with two innate fears — those of heights and loud noises.  As such, loud noises are absolutely, definitely stressors.  Exposure to loudness rapidly activates your sympathetic nervous response and pours adrenaline and cortisol into your bloodstream.

In some of the yoga classes I attend, the music volume can get exceptionally loud — to the point that I’m almost compelled to cover my ears.  Loudness of over 100dB is stressful and uncomfortable.  Perhaps it was motivating in my boxing class, but in yoga class, it feels out of place.

That said, music does have its time and place and can be a great adjunct to a yoga class when used judiciously. If you’d like music to enhance your yoga class rather than detract from it, here are some suggestions:

• Pick instrumental music that has no words. Even the most well-meaning lyrics can hit someone in the wrong spot.  And remember that lyrics in foreign languages are still lyrics.
  
• Keep the volume low. If you have to shout over the music to be heard, the music is too loud.
• Resist the temptation to play any kind of music during the final shavasana pose. Silence is its own music which many people in your class have come to seek — some unbeknownst to themselves.  Let them have that vital medicine.
  

A big thank you to all my wise and wonderful yoga teachers to date.  Hope you find this useful.

Namaste

AB

Of course, this means that I came to a complete stop at the stop sign, well behind the limit line, let all pedestrians have right of way, and smiled in the general direction of The Law — just like every other time I’ve come across a cop car.

All of this made me wonder: what would the world look like if you were that policeman driving the squad car?

It would look like the world is populated almost exclusively by law-abiding citizens who are very meticulous about their driving.  Think about it: as soon as people become aware of your presence, they alter their behavior.  You, the cop, are a reality distortion field.  It’s as if you send out these waves of causation, and the world conforms to it around you.

Well, guess what, boys and girls: we’re all reality distortion fields all the time.  Any time you interact with someone, that someone is also interacting with you — that’s what interact means.  So you only see people in relationship to you.

Just as there are different versions of you — employee, boss, child, parent, sibling, relative, lover, pedestrian, driver, friend — there are different versions of the people around you.  And you only get to see that version of that person.

This may even be one of the central operating principles of the universe.  Quantum mechanics says that by observing something, you change it.  At the level of an electron that needs to hit a detector or be bumped by a photon before it’s “seen”, we can grasp that.

But what if that were also true of the macroscopic world of human relations?

Well, I already told you that it is.  It’s also one of the most empowering principles of the Tao of Dating: by controlling your attention and expectation, you can change the behavior of those close to you.

Energy flows where attention goes.  So if you give attention to your partner’s positive qualities, your partner will grow in those areas (heard of an erection? Same idea).  Similarly, if you give attention to the negative qualities — and remember that criticism and nagging are still forms of attention — then those areas will grow.  Take your pick.

Also, people will rise and fall to your level of expectation of them.  If you expect generosity of spirit and openness of heart, that’s what you’re going to get from your partner.  So expect the best, and ascribe positive intent to their actions whenever possible.

This reminds me of the story of Jean Valjean in Victor Hugo’s Les Misérables.  Right after his release from prison, Valjean is taken in by the kindly Bishop Myriel, since no inn will offer shelter to an ex-convict.  In the middle of the night, Valjean leaves Myriel’s home, stealing the bishop’s silverware.  He is soon caught and brought back to Myriel, who says that he actually gave Valjean the silverware, and how dare he leave in such a hurry so as to forget the silver candleholders that he also meant for him!  Myriel then reminds Valjean of the promise to use the silver to make an honest man of himself.

Valjean had made no such promise.  But Myriel held him to a higher ideal than the one Valjean had for himself.  Subsequently, Valjean goes on to become a wealthy industrialist and then a mayor.

This may just be a story out of a novel, but it does describe reality.  You have enough silver in your possession to hold people to the highest vision of themselves at any time.  The silver is your attention, the expectations you have of people, and the example you set with your own behavior.  Use them wisely.

In conclusion, I was thinking about the meaning of the expression to turn the other cheek last week.  From the Sermon on the Mount in the Book of Matthew: “If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well.”

Is this about wimpiness, militant pacifism, or some very literal thing having to do with the time and place Jesus lived in?  Many different interpretations exist.

Here’s mine: to turn the other cheek means to take the one action that can result in the salvation of the person who slapped you.

If you slap back harder, you’ve got a slapfest on your hands, and neither you nor the slapper* will be ennobled by it.  Just sitting there like a potted plant won’t accomplish much either.  The only thing that’s likely to make the slapper pause and perhaps reconsider is to turn the other cheek: “What the hell was that all about?”, he’ll think.  And therein lies the shadow of a chance for evolution. It may not work every time, but it’s the only thing that can work.

That’s what Bishop Myriel did.  It’s what a Taoist master would do — flow with force and offer no resistance.  It’s what Musashi, the legendary Japanese sword master and author of The Book of Five Rings did when challenged to a duel by some street thug who would certainly get killed at the master’s hand.

Not only is turning the other cheek the furthest thing from wimpiness and passivity, it is also the highest expression of the human spirit: the ability to act deliberately in accordance with principle instead of reacting reflexively.  And it leaves both parties in a better spot than where they started.

* Slapper is a bit of technical term in England, so all you snickering Brits can settle down now.  Works in this context in any case.