Hey, I hear ya. So here’s a little explanation of that concept as I understand it. Make sure to rate the video and comment so I know you’re listening, and if you like it, share it with friends via Facebook and spread the good word:

The idea of projecting love may sound a bit foreign and new-agey at first, but I assure you — the results are real.  And real good!  So check it out, apply it, and let me know you’re alive by rating the video, commenting on it and sharing it with friends.  Also feel free to embed it on your own website:

The power is within you,

Dr Alex

Date: Thu 19 March 2009
Time: 6pm PDT/9pm EDT
Duration: about 60min
Call-in #: 218 486 1300
Access code: 667202

It’s totally, completely and utterly free.  We’ll have some live Q&A time, so lob ‘em at me, baby.

I can’t sleep. It’s 5:41 am, and I am WIDE awake. After 3 failed attempts at sleep, I have actually accomplished quite a few random tasks that needed to be done (bills paid, applications filled out, etc).

Then I start doing the WORST possible thing I can do at 5am. Unblocking the random people I worked so hard to block on a damn social networking site. Good grief. How old am I??? YOU ARE IN YOUR THIRTIES…not 13. This type of behavior reminds me of when my cousin used to make me go with her when she would drive by her crushes house periodically. It’s the equivalent of stalking, just digitally.

AB: Perhaps the social networking sites should be excised as part of the fast.  You didn’t have them in 2003, and your life was fine then.  I’d start with a 1-week holiday.

The Doctor asked me what I meant by my txt today, and it lead to a reasonably uncomfortable conversation via text. I should have read Dr. Alex’s notes beforehand, but I didn’t. I almost feel as if that got so messed up that it’s beyond the point of salvaging so I should just drop it. He was very open about the fact that he is seeing other people, but not anyone exclusively (so was I). I explained that was part of the problem. I didn’t think he EVER wanted to see someone exclusively and I don’t share well. ***sigh***

AB: As a matter of good communications hygiene, text and email should only be used for fact-based conversations — where, when, what, check out this funny cat photo haha, etc.  As a rule, they should NEVER be used for emotional communication — it’s the formula for misunderstanding.

THEN…I start looking through all the family photos of my random high school friends on the same social networking site. Such gorgeous families…happy, cute, amazing. It made me sad. It reminded of something a classmate said to me at my 10 year High School reunion. “I thought for SURE you would be settled by now”. Settled. As if being single and selective was “unsettled”. But I suppose I am. I am unsettled. It’s nearly 6am…what else can I be at this ungawdly hour?

By the way, those that needed a refresher on just what type of cleanse I am doing, see one of my earlier blogs. I noticed Dr. Alex’s note and want to assure everyone that I am in fact eating! I’m just keeping it very healthy, with lots of organic veggies/fruits, raw nuts, and lean protein. But I think it is definitely getting to me the last few days. But to be honest, I think it’s my own thoughts that are getting to me. Maybe the plan worked too well. The constant hunger I am feeling isn’t anything that can be satiated by food.

I don’t know if I believe it myself, but apparently all this insecurity and anxiety is due to a lack of self esteem. That makes little sense to me though. I think I’m confident. I suppose the only time I’m not confident is around men. I blame college. I don’t think I ever really had the trouble I have with men until college. Maybe Dr. Alex is right. I read his article that was posted on the Huffington Post explaining his theories as to why smart people have a difficult time dating.

Some of it rang true. I was too busy in college to think about anything but my studies. I tuned boys out and focused on my success. Apparently I continued that trend in my adult life. I just don’t know how to react anymore. I feel like a babbling fool. And when I do take a chance and just speak my mind and call when I feel like calling, it all back fires. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. So then I just give up.

AB: Your past is not your future.  Get on with the now and start taking right action — the te part of the Tao Te Ching.  Results will follow.  And if you must feel sorry for yourself, set aside 10min a day and just feel really sorry for yourself. Then move on already.

I’m not gonna lie…I feel like that right now. As tears well up in my eyes, I get angry with myself. I’m not a quitter but to be honest, I really feel like no matter WHAT I do, it’s always making me feel worse vs better. I’ve been a bit antisocial lately because of it. I feel like people can smell the sadness. I’m hoping this is just a particularly jagged spike in my menstrual cycle.

Ugh.

I probably shouldn’t even post this. I will reread it in the morning and probably scorn myself again for being so weak. I know it’s okay to be weak. I just don’t normally let other people in on my misery. I’m really good at internalizing that kinda stuff but then it becomes an all consuming cancerous growth. No bueno.

I should sleep. I’m rambling. Perhaps this is just the lack of sleep talking now…

“The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.”

I laugh every time I think about that quote. Probably since it was said by a drag queen character in the movie “To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar”. But I can recall thinking or saying that referring to myself at several points throughout my life.

I am a very girlie girl. But I am also a very athletic and adventurous woman. I ride my own motorcycle, I have traveled the world solo, and I actually own 3 different types of saws. I often joke that one of the prerequisites to dating me is that I have to feel confident that if we were walking down a dark alley, my date would be the one who would be better suited to defend us than I would. That and he has to have bigger legs than I do ;)

Perhaps that is why I may be more drawn to the stereotypical Manly Men. Looking at the last few prospects that I have dated, there is a bit of a trend. The Doctor (rides motorcycles), The Soldier, Secret Service Agent, and now a Professional Motocross Racer. I read Dr. Alex’s notes from my last few blogs (www.taoofdating.com) and he mentioned that “Motorcycle Man” might fall under the “bad boy” label. If that is true, then I fall within the bad girl label.

I am drawn to risks…I skydive, ride motorcycles, snowboard, rock climb, do a lot of things that are considered “risky”. I do think it’s possible to enjoy those types of activities and still want to come home to a stable and loving household. Where this becomes a problem for me is balancing the Yin with the Yang.

AB: Doing fun, risky things is great and actually enhances your feminine attractiveness — as long as it’s the spice, not the main dish.

I clearly don’t think I embrace enough of the Yin (Feminine energy). I LOOK like I do, but I know that it is hard for me to turn off the “professional me” when not on duty. One of the guys I was dating even commented that once he realized just how important I was in my particular role, that he started treating me differently. Much like the one reader commented about how a crush referred to her as “highly functioning” I knew those compliments spelled disaster.

AB: You can be high-functioning and important at work while being feminine and receptive with your man.  You just have to remember to turn the boss off at home.

I know that is something I have to work on. As for the Doctor, he sent me several texts while I was out on my date with the Motorcycle Man. I sent a reply after my date, but kept it brief. I probably shouldn’t have replied, but after he took the time to give me advice on my wrist, I felt it was the civil thing to do.

Then, yesterday, he text me asking if I had “unfriended him” on one of the social networking sites. I did. I didn’t owe him an explanation…but I sent him one. A day later. “Only to prevent my own profile stalking”. That was true. Perhaps Dr. Alex was right and maybe I overreacted to that one. But the way I see it, if he really WAS interested he would have made more of an effort to actually DATE me. I understand he has a crazy schedule, but at least CALL. Maintain that connection. He didn’t. So he was pruned. And now I’ve moved on. (Have I?) Ugh. Dr. Alex’s comments now have me wondering, should I unblock the Doc?

AB: Don’t second-guess yourself unless you have truly compelling evidence to do so.

I am really thinking the Motorcycle Man has some potential. I like the idea of “being open to everything, but attached to nothing”. I’m not sure if it’s the food cravings that are now overwhelming my thoughts that are driving me to obsess over the Motorcycle Man. I got a brief, but sweet email from him in the morning, but didn’t hear from him at all the rest of the day. I went to the gym with my super amazing motivational friend, and it wasn’t until I got home that he sent a text. But he did send me many very sweet and affectionate texts Monday, the day after the first date.

Hard to figure out which part of this behavior is really me and which is the “cleanse”. Today I fantasized about carbs. The sweet doughy kind…and hamburgers, which I normally NEVER want. I’m in my 2nd week of the cleanse and it seemed reasonably doable until today. Today I wanted to order Thai. I wanted to make chocolate mousse. I wanted to binge. No bueno. I went to the gym instead. Just a constant reminder that life is a struggle. Time to just suck it up and hope for the best. Gonna start part 2 before bed…hopefully the answers are within!

AB: For the record, I have never recommended a cleanse or fast as part of my programs.  Phoenix undertook that of her own volition, and frankly I think 2 weeks is plenty of proof of concept.  As a physician, I’ll say that many of the cleanses popular today are fad diets and have no basis in scientific evidence, especially the ‘Master Cleanse’ which seems downright dangerous.  A healthy, balanced diet is the way forward.

The Taoists don’t really believe that life is a struggle.  The Way harmonizes with the way of nature and therefore is the path of least effort.  If you’re struggling, it may be a sign that something’s not quite right.  Concerted effort, good; struggle, not as good.

“Without a struggle, there is no progress” – Frederick Douglass

p.s. In case you were wondering, I have my own a reciprocating saw, jigsaw, and tile saw. I’m a confirmed DIY Goddess…now if only that would carry over to my love life!

Easy girl. Don’t get too excited just yet. Yes, the date went great and he’s even better looking in person….and the conversation was really good…and he seems to be on the same page….BUT IT’S A FIRST DATE.

***now would be a good time for that meditation***

So the Helmeted Hottie was really great. Better than expected. Granted, he may not be the 6 figure income financier or even close to that, but he is extremely passionate about what he does.

That’s great.  At the very least, you want a man on a mission.  A guy who’s floating around aimlessly is simply the wrong match if you’re getting serious about relationships.  Once you’ve found the man on a mission, it’s up to you to decide if his mission is something you can be aligned with or at least tolerate.  The men who have service and value creation as their mission tend to be good bets, because there’s a place for you to fit in.  With those who have ‘me’ as their mission (e.g. financiers and professional athletes), it’s not quite as clear where you would fit in as a partner.  And if you’re a service-oriented kind of person, you may not be able to sign up 100% for his mission if all he does all day is shift around options on pork bellies.

During the course of the evening I would remember tips I got from the Tao, and I would find myself saying over and over, “remember the Yin with the Yang!!” when I found myself talking too much about my masculine hobbies or coming off too “tough” or “businessy”.

I still need to give my recap of the last few chapters but so much of it was fresh in my mind tonight and I was thankful for it. Not saying it was a direct result of having read those chapters, but this was quite possibly one of the best first dates I have had in a VERY long time. I don’t think those chapters hurt, that’s for sure.

Before I start naming our future children or writing out my last name as his (totally kidding with this), I’m going to be cautious this time. Not too cautious, but cautious enough that I don’t allow myself to get emotionally invested before he’s proven that he is worthy of that investment.

AB: Supremely wise choice.  Be open to everything but attached to nothing.  Liking someone and enjoying his company is always a good idea.  Getting infatuated and concocting all kinds of expectations in your head that cloud your evaluation of the present moment is not as good an idea.  The clarity is the little bit of yang you mix in with the yin.

There were so many poignant tips in those last few chapters that relate to tonight, but the play by play will have to wait till tomorrow. It’s late and I just wanted to give a quick update that the date went very well. Better than expected. The battle was won tonight, but we have yet to win the war!!!

Sweet dreams…fellow Gods and Goddesses!!

I can’t sleep.

That’s pretty normal for me though.  I have a lot on my mind lately.  Work, life, food (a la cleanse = lack of), etc.  I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  There is Fate, but it generally falls into the overall plan.

Tonight I went to Yoga to fulfill my twice a week goal.  I hate going to the gym at night since it’s packed…mostly with women with full on club make-up and with more intention of being picked up vs. picking up weights.  I went with a friend who is a hardcore gym regular.  I’m hoping that rubs off on me too.

As we left the Yoga class, I remember commenting, “Watch, I will run into The Doctor the ONE time he happens to be at the gym when I am”.  Less than 2 minutes later as my friend and I part ways to different sections of the gym, I find that I am face to face with The Doctor.

The Doctor was one of those relationships I “pruned” in my spring cleaning.  We met around Thanksgiving.  In an odd, but somewhat flattering way, he sent me a message on one of the social networking sites commenting on my profile pic and how he really liked it.  I had no idea who he was, nor did I know if we had any common friends.  Turns out we had one common friend, who I didn’t know that well, but had hung out with on a few occasions.

The first time we met up it was the day after Thanksgiving for a motorcycle ride.  He thought it was cool that I rode, and I was stoked to have found someone to go riding with.  The chemistry was immediate.  A Man’s Man kinda guy.  Not super fit, a huskier build, but definitely solid.  They type of guy who could throw some stuff around.  I dug that.  He was also a Doctor and loved talking about his work in great detail, which I found incredibly interesting.

We shared a few good dates, nothing out of the ordinary, but good enough that I really enjoyed spending time with him.  He has a crazy schedule, so we weren’t always able to see each other as often as I would have liked, but I figured if he was really interested, he would find a way.

Things really simmered down when I was out of town for an extended period.  I had sent him a text message asking for his mailing address since I wanted to send him a postcard.  He replied that I should probably send it to his Dad’s since he wasn’t sure he would still be living in LA.  Huh?  What?  You wouldn’t even be back when I returned?  That’s odd.  Okay.

So he then texts me that he will have to introduce me to his buddy visiting from NY, “He’s a Doctor too, and WAAY hotter than me…I think you would like him more”.  That was the text equivalent of a cold shower on whatever flame that was left for the Doctor.  Clearly, you must not be THAT into me if you are trying to pass me off to some buddy that is in town.  Sick.

I reply as maturely as possible, which took a LOT of effort.  “No need to pawn me off to your friends.  I do just fine on my own, thanks.”  Then…silence.

He continued to txt me the remainder of my time away, and I would just delete them.  Clearly I was just some commodity to be passed around and traded.  Not the Man who would stand his ground and stake his claim!

Long story short, when I got back into town I had 7 text messages saying he tried to say “hi” over the last 2 weeks.  But I never replied.  That morning I did and explained that my phone didn’t work.  An excuse.  But true, somewhat.

There was a lot of miscommunication with the Doctor.  We never once talked about how we felt about each other.  Even if it was nothing.  So we just assumed.  He assumed I only wanted a physical relationship (I call bullshit on that claim though…what woman ONLY wants a physical relationship?) and I assumed the same about him.  So I stopped calling.  Then I took the next step of preventing him access to my inner workings and social networking….deletions and blocking.

Despite all that…there he was.  We exchanged pleasantries. He complemented me on how I looked and offered some treatments for my wrist, which has been a source of pain/frustration the last few months.  Then I left him to continue on my cardio workout.  Once I found a bike, he came back over 3 more times to talk to me.  The last time to say he was leaving.

Oddly enough, as I saw him anxiously try to find a machine nearby, then do one rep and move to the next, I thought it was endearing and sweet.  I really did dig him.  In the brief text conversation debrief, he alluded to also being into me and wanting a relationship, but we were never on the same page.  What a shame.  I really did dig him.  We had great chemistry and was a more dominant personality than my own, which I loved.

He explained the comment about wanting to introduce me to his friend was said out of insecurity.  And a “game” to see how I would respond.  Clearly, I don’t play games well.

But here it comes…wait, wait for it, wait…..I missed him.

Seeing him there tonight was like a alcoholic’s anonymous member taking a shot.  He was my shot.  I played it cool.  Maybe even too cool.  Indifferent.  But that was the side of me protecting my heart.  Guys like him can’t be faithful, so why even waste my time?

At one point I really did dig him.  Liked him a lot and wanted to spend so much time with him.  But once I got the suspicion that he was playing the field and not really into me, I stepped back with the other options I had been avoiding.  (Also deleted.)

The odd thing is I couldn’t call the Doctor if I wanted.  I deleted his contact before I got to change it to “Do Not Answer”.

Why do I feel like I am in High School again?  I thought we grew out of this type of schoolyard angst.  I suppose I will keep him in that delete list, until he is proven innocent and worthy.

***None of this may makes sense….sleeping pill kicking in….will reread tomorrow***

pray that I will dream about the man that I will love and deserves to be loved.

AB: This is one of those cases where some of Don Miguel Ruiz’s ‘Four Agreements’ come in handy.

Here’s a guy who is beyond a shadow of a doubt into Phoenix and has pursued her with some earnestness and avidity.  And she’s into him.  But at some point, she made the assumption that he was ‘playing the field’ and his interest in her was merely superficial.  Over time, this assumption congealed into cold, hard fact, and as a result two people who seem to enjoy one another’s company are alone and experiencing misgiving instead of fun.

That brings us to the Third Agreement: ‘Don’t make assumptions.’  If you’re not sure, ask questions till you get a straight answer.

It seems like the crux of the communication breakdown is that one text message about meeting his friend who’s way hotter than he is.  Here’s the thing: modern means of communication should more accurately be called modern means of miscommunication.  Email and text message are devoid of tone and inflection and fertile with the possibility of misunderstanding.  It’s a good idea to make a policy never (and I mean NEVER) to make emotional communications or major decisions through those two media.  Face-to-face is best; voice is second best.

Which brings us to the Second Agreement: ‘Take nothing personally.’  If Phoenix had merely brushed off the text as pleasantry and banter (which it most likely was) as opposed to an affront to her attractiveness, things may have progressed very differently.

In conclusion: if a guy contacts you 7 times, he’s interested.  If he’s a halfway decent guy and you’re even slightly into him, give yourself the chance to find out what he’s all about, even if there’s been some misgivings in the past.  As the Tao Te Ching says, ‘The soft overcomes the hard.’ Closing up is never the solution.  Openness always is. As Marianne Williamson says from The Course in Miracles, “There is only one mistake in life, and that is to not let love in.”

I haven’t met this guy, so I can’t say for sure that he’s right or wrong for Phoenix.  What I can say is that she is not exercising her full power in making this go well for her.  As Krishna says to Arjuna in the Bhagavad Gita, you are entitled to your labors, but not necessarily the results of your labors.  And if you get the labors right, they are your rewards.  So let’s get that part of the house in order, shall we?

My comments will be in italics henceforth.

Chapter 2: Who You Really Are

I read this chapter by candlelight while soaking in my tub last Thursday evening. It made such an impact that I have taken a week to marinate in the thoughts and the emotions that those thoughts stirred. I was already coping with the realization that it may not be the men in LA that are the problem, but the problem may just lie within me.

AB: To be perfectly fair, LA is a tough town to date in, and frankly the boys (and girls) in this city are a bit strange.  I wouldn’t be exaggerating if I said this is the toughest dating environment I’ve lived in.  That said, there are 12 million folks here, so let’s not let that be an excuse to abdicate our own power and leave our fulfillment to chance.  You earn the right to complain only after you’ve gotten your own house in order.

Since I finished that chapter I went through quite a few positive changes. But more importantly, I took a step back and really started to look at those relationships that I have, and for whatever reason, have continued to maintain despite them not being healthy. Some were downright parasitic, but because of the fear of completely letting go, I kept them.

The MINUTE I got out of the tub, I went straight to my laptop and started the REAL “cleansing”. I find it fitting that I happen to start this experiment on the eve of spring; A natural time for cleansing and new growth. The pruning started with the social networking sites that have been the only source of information to several of the past prospects in my life. I deleted and blocked those unhealthy relationships. I cannot move forward if I keep looking back. As much as we would like to think we are grown adults and have some self control, I will be the first to admit that I profile stalk. Why would I want to find/see a reminder as to why I am not with this person?? Why would I want them to see that I am finally moving on, only to then call me and ask me out? I refuse to be my own saboteur so, I removed the temptation.

I then moved to my cell phone. I found all the “Mr. Wrongs” who had come in and out of my life and who still linger but offer no future value. I changed all of their names to “Do NOT answer”. That way, when/if they call again, I can send to VM, then immediately delete message without listening. (Okay, I know that last part will be TOUGH, but I will try).

AB: This is brilliant, and an essential step in getting your own house in order.  One of the pernicious ways in which scarcity-consciousness manifests is through holding on to excess baggage.  I mean, gawrsh, you just never know — on the off chance that he’ll call this fiscal quarter, I should hold on to his phone number.  Hell no!  Those who value your company seek it out, and you should only spend time with those who value your company.  When you’re willing to let go of the chaff, you’re declaring to your unconscious (and the universe) “I am complete without this.”  Creative destruction means making room for the new, better stuff.

I have already had a few ask what happened, but feel little need to explain. For once I am going to be selfish and think about myself. No explanation required. Now is the time for change.

AB: The toughest thing is to do is to let go of those so-called friends who are energy drains.  Do it — it’ll make you feel 1000x better.

Here are some of the other tips to bring more anatta into my life that Dr. Alex suggested and how I am applying them.

1. Meditation: I downloaded the meditation that Dr. Alex has included in the book for guided mediations that I can do when I have 15 minutes or even while sitting in my car between meetings. I even started with the hong-sau meditation in my tub that night…as goofy as I felt initially, it did eventually offer me some calmness and was quite gratifying towards the end of the 10 minute exercise. (I know it suggested 15 mins, but I was in a tub and only had so much time before I started to prune).

What really motivated me was the concept that “we tend to get more of what we focus on, to the point that you may even become what you focus on” that Dr. Alex points out. If I can focus on clearing my mind of the negative and only focusing on the positive, that will be a step in the right direction. Although, aren’t we supposed to not think when we meditate?? I thought we were supposed to clear the mind of what ails us. I will definitely have to work on the meditation thing.

2. Do Yoga: I am going to do Yoga at least twice a week. I went for the first time yesterday, after a nearly 6 month hiatus from the gym. I actually did quite well, but I am feeling muscles today that I didn’t even know I had and they are bitching that I had the nerve to try to do all those crazy advanced poses and balances without giving them any warning!

3. Use the Reminder Technique: One month. March 1st-April 1st. Fasting.

“That gnawing hunger you experience in the pit of your belly is a reminder to be a better kind of person all day long.”

Mind you, I’m an eater. I am not a salad type of girl. Well, unless it is accompanied by a hearty entree! But thankfully, I am blessed with a great metabolism and a laundry list of activities that keep me fit. I am also not doing one of those crazy celebrity lemonade fasts. I am sticking to lots of organic veggies and fruits, whey protein isolate shakes, raw nuts, and one lean protein meal with small portion of complex carbohydrate and lots of veggies, per day. I’ve also given up desserts for Lent. Interesting since I’ve never been all that religious, but have in the past year really gotten back in touch with my spirituality and have had some pretty meaningful conversations with the Big Guy himself.

I’m also thinking of finding a bracelet or piece of string to wear that will remind me of the concept of no-self, so that the next time I am feeling insecure I can remind myself of the Goddess I am and go introduce myself to the Hottie in the corner ;)

Manageable. I hope that at the end of this month, some of those healthy eating habits will continue. It allegedly takes 21 days to establish a habit, right?

AB: I love this girl!  The fast was just an illustrative example in the book, and I respect that she’s going all the way with this.

4. Experience Flow: I’ve been there, I’ve felt it. I know that somewhere deep inside me I have been in “that optimal state in which the task is matched to the ability”. I think lately I haven’t been challenged enough, so I am looking for ways to fix that.

5. Travel: I started that weekend. I left town. I am leaving again this weekend and hope to do so every weekend. I am tempted to take a road trip with no real destination in mind. The possibilities are limitless

Wow. This is a huge post! I just have so much to share. I have really taken a step back this last week to REALLY think about who I am and the steps that I can take to become an even better person. I’m hoping that by abandoning the old habits I leave plenty of space for new ones. Absence makes the heart wander…I am thinking greener pastures lie ahead!!

This is a remarkable post.  If any of my readers undertake even half of this regimen, their lives are bound to shift dramatically towards a lot more fulfillment and joy.   Go get ‘em, girl!

“First impressions: Sinking gut. That lead weight feeling you get when you know you’ve really messed something up. As I read the “Introduction I couldn’t skip” I felt a wave of self pity wash over me. I was these women Dr. Alex was describing.

I had flashbacks to my last blog joking about my wild attraction to guys without jobs or enough money to even take me out on a decent date…it really isn’t all that funny. I do want a “Good Guy”. As I read the description of what I want aka The Good Guy (strong internal compass, leader, comfortable in his own skin, knows what he wants, etc) I could hear my inner optimist screaming, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”, but once I finished the paragraph my inner pessimist chimed in with, “pshaw, yeah right…not in LA.”

“When you chase anything in life, you are affirming its lack in your life”. p. 31

Wow. Duly noted. I think the greatest frustration with that painfully poignant sentence is that it goes against what has made me successful today.

Early in life we are taught to chase our dreams…”Shoot for the moon! Even if you miss you will still be amongst the stars!”. For most of my life I have been an overachiever. I busted my ass in high school so I could get into a great college and win scholarships to pay for it. I kicked ass in college so I could get a high paying job. I worked myself ragged in a high paying job with a successful company so I could be financially secure. Now what? I did everything they said to do and I succeeded.

Now I want the Man, the family, and the white picket fence to match.

“Most people think of success in terms of possession: in order to be someone, you must have something. If you have money and spend lots of is, you are rich. If you have an attractive mate, you are successful in dating.” p. 35

So true. I once had it all. A six figure income and a very attractive mate…but I was miserable. Clearly the relationship I was in didn’t “catalyze an abundance of fulfilling feelings in my life, like love, peace, and contentment”, so I got out (or more accurately he left). I also left the six figure income. I often thought that my success was a liability in my dating. I generally made more money than the men I dated. Most men will say that it doesn’t bother them, but I know it did.

***1:09 am…fading fast…will finish in the morning***

Continued….2:40pm

Okay…so a night to sleep on it. I’m still feeling a bit overwhelmed and defeated. I also found out that one of my recent prospects is going on a “date” tonight through a mutual friend. It was an odd physiological reaction to the news. Slight gut sinking. Flush feeling through my body like a warm sweat. Much like the feelings I got with the realization that I am those women Dr. Alex speaks of in the introduction to the Tao of Dating.

I KNOW I deserve better, but for some reason I settle for guys who seem to only make me an option. I deserve to be an entree vs an appetizer. What the hell am I doing wrong?

What KILLS me is that I’m having these physiological reactions to guys that I KNOW aren’t on my same level, but clearly financial success hasn’t always been a requirement with me.

“I don’t care what car you drive; I don’t care what neighborhood you live in; what matters is how you make me feel when I am with you.”

This is the first sentence of my online dating profile. Clearly, I take that to heart since most of the guys I seem to date aren’t on the same level of success that I have achieved. Why do I keep choosing these men???

I am grateful for the blessings I have. I am thankful everyday for a beautiful home, great health, financial security, and most importantly an amazing circle of friends. I have done it all. I have hiked the Great Wall of China, I’ve dived the Great Barrier Reef, I’ve climbed to the top of the Tour Eiffel, and I have completed numerous triathlons…but I can’t seem to find one man that can appreciate me as much as I appreciate them. I know, I know…the whole first chapter talks about abundance and that I must always think about abundance for me to have abundance but for just a few paragraphs of one blog let me go ahead and have my pity party.

I’m tired. Part of me wants to give up and start shopping for big crazy hats so I can be the crazy Spinster with the pack of dogs. I’m tired of feeling like I have to dumb down my intelligence, athleticism, or success just so I don’t immasculate the men I date. I am successful. I am exceptional. I should expect the same.

“What kind of person would you be if you truly believed that you have everything that you need? And what kind of people would you draw into your life if you were that person? Start there.” p. 41

That sounds reasonable. Fine. I will start there. I will put aside my feelings of insecurity and self doubt and focus on all that is great in my life (and there is a ton). I will stop chasing that which doesn’t wish to be caught. I will focus on my own abundance and fulfillment. If not now then when? Now is the time.”

“Welcome anything that comes to you, but do not long for anything else.”
-André Gide, The Fruits of the Earth

I had lunch with the Brazilian today. He called around 11am just as I was about to head out the door to grab lunch in Santa Monica. “Sure, I’ll meet you for lunch”.

We met sometime last summer on a popular dating website. He was great looking, successful, intelligent…but fresh out of a failed marriage (about a year and a half fresh). We shared a love of adventure, extreme sports, and were both confessed gear whores. (Is there such a thing as REI anonymous?)

We dated on and off for several months and I even considered the prospect of a LTR with him. Then the inevitable happened. I started the downward spiral of why we wouldn’t work out & talking myself out of “like” with him.

Suddenly, the casual laid back manner he wore became indifference. His spontaneity morphed into careless impulse. Brazilians are known for their infidelity, right? Could he really be faithful? What was I doing?? He’s a great guy, right?? At least he has a job & his own place (sadly, not always prerequisites to dating me, but that is another blog)

Despite my roller coaster of falling in out of like with the Brazilian, we kept in touch. He would send a txt or leave a message every few weeks to see how I have been.

He was as handsome as I remember since seeing him last in November. He was extremely charming & complimentary saying how beautiful I was, which is always nice to hear. Over ribs and biscuits we exchanged stories about our recent snowboarding outings and adventures abroad.

He was sweet. He even picked up the tab (which again isn’t a normal occurrence in my dating world). I thanked him with a friendly kiss and a big hug. We promised to try to see each other more often & even plan a snowboarding trip together soon.

I passed on the opportunity once, am I really willing to give it another shot? Perhaps I wasn’t in the right mind set the 1st time & didn’t really give it an honest chance.

I am picking up my copy of the Tao of Dating tonight from Dr. Alex…perhaps I will find my answer within…