Comments for The Tao of Dating by Dr. Ali Binazir http://taoofdating.com Ancient Wisdom + Modern Science = Awesome Advice on Love & Life for Smart People Like You Mon, 30 Aug 2010 00:04:36 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 hourly 1 Comment on What do women want: the enigma of female sexuality by Niese http://taoofdating.com/what-do-women-want-the-enigma-of-female-sexuality/comment-page-1/#comment-2097 Niese Mon, 30 Aug 2010 00:04:36 +0000 http://taoofdating.com/?p=29#comment-2097 AB: I believe with all my heart that the biggest reason that marriage or LTRs fail is because the partners take one another for granted. Once the step is taken to be in one home it is just as important to court your partner as it was before that decision. It is a responsibility for both partners to make sure that it continues. It does not have to be expensive dates but it is simply a matter of the commitment to be with one another time, thoughts, body and soul. AB: I believe with all my heart that the biggest reason that marriage or LTRs fail is because the partners take one another for granted. Once the step is taken to be in one home it is just as important to court your partner as it was before that decision. It is a responsibility for both partners to make sure that it continues. It does not have to be expensive dates but it is simply a matter of the commitment to be with one another time, thoughts, body and soul.

]]> Comment on The #1 Mistake in Modern Communication by annonymous1 http://taoofdating.com/number-one-mistake-in-modern-communication/comment-page-1/#comment-2096 annonymous1 Tue, 24 Aug 2010 02:15:20 +0000 http://taoofdating.com/?p=259#comment-2096 Speaking of long distance! We met on FB after many years apart, and live in different states. What about if there is loving romantic communication, and you respond in kind, in addition to calls, of course. I.e. did you want to qualify w/no negative emotional communicaton via email? That I absolutely agree with. However, when it comes to positive communication, we do not talk often enough (for me) so the postive gaps get filled in some times w/email and text and (dare I say) messages on FB (but not on the wall). We also have had alot of fun s/exting...as our physical relationship is also long distance, and there can be an emotional component to turning each other on via text also. Bottom line, I wish it was more intimate, more calls, more often...I just told him this, and he has been more attentive since the conversation. But what gets me is when he has innocuous social chats w/other women on FB, on the same day I text him, but he doesn't get back to me on the same day I text him! I keep having the thought, if he has time for that, he has time for me! But then I remember you masculating comment, "give him his freedom." Speaking of long distance! We met on FB after many years apart, and live in different states. What about if there is loving romantic communication, and you respond in kind, in addition to calls, of course. I.e. did you want to qualify w/no negative emotional communicaton via email? That I absolutely agree with. However, when it comes to positive communication, we do not talk often enough (for me) so the postive gaps get filled in some times w/email and text and (dare I say) messages on FB (but not on the wall). We also have had alot of fun s/exting…as our physical relationship is also long distance, and there can be an emotional component to turning each other on via text also. Bottom line, I wish it was more intimate, more calls, more often…I just told him this, and he has been more attentive since the conversation. But what gets me is when he has innocuous social chats w/other women on FB, on the same day I text him, but he doesn’t get back to me on the same day I text him! I keep having the thought, if he has time for that, he has time for me! But then I remember you masculating comment, “give him his freedom.”

]]> Comment on Is it ever okay to tangle with a married guy? by desiree http://taoofdating.com/is-it-ever-okay-to-tangle-with-a-married-guy/comment-page-1/#comment-2093 desiree Sat, 21 Aug 2010 06:47:30 +0000 http://taoofdating.com/is-it-ever-okay-to-tangle-with-a-married-guy/#comment-2093 Hi again, also, just to say, while it doesn't look good, this guy really is not a jerk. He and his wife do have a very good relationship, in some respects apparently, and I know he is not deceiving her. She has given him approval to see other people with some basic guidelines in place. He has also expressed concern for me and seems to have some ambivalence about our contact. He knows I am looking for something much more, and I am a terrible candidate for this sort of 'dalliance.' I have dated some real jerks and he is not one, so I just wanted to clear the record on that. Thanks Alex for that comment. I also want to mention how powerful it is when someone really desires us and wants us. That is about as intoxicating as it gets. That had not happened for me in a long time; despite the fact that I know I'm attractive, this man was the first in ages to really call it and act on it. He happened to be the wrong man. I'd like to understand basically how we can cultivate that feeling- that wonderful sensation when we know we are desirable- without being dependent on others to provide that for us. Maybe that is not possible; we are social, relational beings and we do respond to one another. For me that is what this experience has left me wondering about. Hi again, also, just to say, while it doesn’t look good, this guy really is not a jerk. He and his wife do have a very good relationship, in some respects apparently, and I know he is not deceiving her. She has given him approval to see other people with some basic guidelines in place. He has also expressed concern for me and seems to have some ambivalence about our contact. He knows I am looking for something much more, and I am a terrible candidate for this sort of ‘dalliance.’ I have dated some real jerks and he is not one, so I just wanted to clear the record on that. Thanks Alex for that comment.

I also want to mention how powerful it is when someone really desires us and wants us. That is about as intoxicating as it gets. That had not happened for me in a long time; despite the fact that I know I’m attractive, this man was the first in ages to really call it and act on it. He happened to be the wrong man. I’d like to understand basically how we can cultivate that feeling- that wonderful sensation when we know we are desirable- without being dependent on others to provide that for us. Maybe that is not possible; we are social, relational beings and we do respond to one another. For me that is what this experience has left me wondering about.

]]> Comment on Is it ever okay to tangle with a married guy? by desiree http://taoofdating.com/is-it-ever-okay-to-tangle-with-a-married-guy/comment-page-1/#comment-2092 desiree Sat, 21 Aug 2010 06:37:55 +0000 http://taoofdating.com/is-it-ever-okay-to-tangle-with-a-married-guy/#comment-2092 Hey folks, wow, thanks for the advice. I am reading this now for a dose of strength! One thing I didn't mention was how being with this man even for a weekend helped me get in touch with myself in that intoxicating way that good physical connection can; I call it the "sex effect" which is when men turn their heads when you are enjoying some action. That is the addictive part, in addition to the 'chemistry siren' (nice expression!) -I am struggling right now mightily because we are still in contact, there are no plans to meet again, and it's left entirely open. In this openness the expectation rushes in - maybe he will see we are 'meant to be,' leave his wife, see the light, etc. I cannot believe I am having these thoughts; I have a PhD and am a very smart lady with many years of therapy behind me! But so it goes, here I am. Listen, thanks for all of the support and encouragement here, and thanks Alex for being so direct. It's all really helpful. I agree: I need to cut contact for a while so I can at least become more open for something new. While it's very hard to meet people we are truly compatible with (especially in my case, it seems), I must exercise some faith and trust and hope here! Hey folks, wow, thanks for the advice. I am reading this now for a dose of strength! One thing I didn’t mention was how being with this man even for a weekend helped me get in touch with myself in that intoxicating way that good physical connection can; I call it the “sex effect” which is when men turn their heads when you are enjoying some action. That is the addictive part, in addition to the ‘chemistry siren’ (nice expression!) -I am struggling right now mightily because we are still in contact, there are no plans to meet again, and it’s left entirely open. In this openness the expectation rushes in – maybe he will see we are ‘meant to be,’ leave his wife, see the light, etc. I cannot believe I am having these thoughts; I have a PhD and am a very smart lady with many years of therapy behind me! But so it goes, here I am.

Listen, thanks for all of the support and encouragement here, and thanks Alex for being so direct. It’s all really helpful. I agree: I need to cut contact for a while so I can at least become more open for something new. While it’s very hard to meet people we are truly compatible with (especially in my case, it seems), I must exercise some faith and trust and hope here!

]]> Comment on Is it ever okay to tangle with a married guy? by Ali Binazir MD MPhil http://taoofdating.com/is-it-ever-okay-to-tangle-with-a-married-guy/comment-page-1/#comment-2088 Ali Binazir MD MPhil Thu, 19 Aug 2010 22:54:46 +0000 http://taoofdating.com/is-it-ever-okay-to-tangle-with-a-married-guy/#comment-2088 @Demi/Isabella -- I don't recommend putting your life on hold waiting for an outcome that's uncertain anyway. Let's say you have tickets for an 8pm concert on a Friday night. If a guy tells you on Tuesday, "I'm working late that night and won't know whether I'll be free until 6pm Friday," are you going to wait? Or are you going to ask someone else who can give you an early and firm commitment and go enjoy the concert? It's generally not wise to make a priority people who consider you merely as an option, even if it's entirely not their own fault. @Demi/Isabella — I don’t recommend putting your life on hold waiting for an outcome that’s uncertain anyway. Let’s say you have tickets for an 8pm concert on a Friday night. If a guy tells you on Tuesday, “I’m working late that night and won’t know whether I’ll be free until 6pm Friday,” are you going to wait? Or are you going to ask someone else who can give you an early and firm commitment and go enjoy the concert? It’s generally not wise to make a priority people who consider you merely as an option, even if it’s entirely not their own fault.

]]> Comment on Is it ever okay to tangle with a married guy? by Isabella http://taoofdating.com/is-it-ever-okay-to-tangle-with-a-married-guy/comment-page-1/#comment-2087 Isabella Thu, 19 Aug 2010 07:32:50 +0000 http://taoofdating.com/is-it-ever-okay-to-tangle-with-a-married-guy/#comment-2087 I agree with above all comments. what happen when a woman meet a married man, the man wants to end the unhappy marriage but the wife doesn't with the fear of losing the security umbrella? Shall she wait until they divorced completely? or just go on & meet other guys? Demi Yen I agree with above all comments. what happen when a woman meet a married man, the man wants to end the unhappy marriage but the wife doesn’t with the fear of losing the security umbrella? Shall she wait until they divorced completely? or just go on & meet other guys?

Demi Yen

]]> Comment on Is it ever okay to tangle with a married guy? by Ali Binazir MD MPhil http://taoofdating.com/is-it-ever-okay-to-tangle-with-a-married-guy/comment-page-1/#comment-2082 Ali Binazir MD MPhil Mon, 16 Aug 2010 17:44:48 +0000 http://taoofdating.com/is-it-ever-okay-to-tangle-with-a-married-guy/#comment-2082 @Roberta: In these situations, it's very tempting to condemn the man and his motives and call him names. However, that's a dangerous thing to do, considering how we know nothing about him at all. No need to demonize or blame. Much better just to focus on what truly fulfills you, then take appropriate action towards that. It's not about him; it's about you. And I love your focus on abundance. Yes, there are legions of men who are a better fit for her. @Roberta: In these situations, it’s very tempting to condemn the man and his motives and call him names. However, that’s a dangerous thing to do, considering how we know nothing about him at all. No need to demonize or blame. Much better just to focus on what truly fulfills you, then take appropriate action towards that. It’s not about him; it’s about you. And I love your focus on abundance. Yes, there are legions of men who are a better fit for her.

]]> Comment on Is it ever okay to tangle with a married guy? by Roberta http://taoofdating.com/is-it-ever-okay-to-tangle-with-a-married-guy/comment-page-1/#comment-2081 Roberta Sun, 15 Aug 2010 04:44:48 +0000 http://taoofdating.com/is-it-ever-okay-to-tangle-with-a-married-guy/#comment-2081 I completely agree with Dr. Alex's advice. Well said. Why, oh why, do women settle for less than they deserve? This is a woman who is clear on what she's looking for...and she should always stay true to herself. Mr. Married is looking for an emotional crutch to help maintain his public illusion of a happy marriage, and there's no reason Desiree should become his crutch. The bit of fun she's experiencing will soon turn to pain. It's a losing situation, and she will be the loser. Men like this are weak and shallow, and that's not what she's looking for. A woman put in this position needs to stand up for herself, be strong, and send him away. He'll move along and find someone else to victimize. She should break all communication with him, and allow space for the wonderful man who is due to arrive soon in her life. Never settle for less than you deserve. Be a Goddess with self-respect and your Renaissance Man will appear. This cheating husband is not him. Move on. The universe is bountiful and full of great, available men. I completely agree with Dr. Alex’s advice. Well said. Why, oh why, do women settle for less than they deserve? This is a woman who is clear on what she’s looking for…and she should always stay true to herself. Mr. Married is looking for an emotional crutch to help maintain his public illusion of a happy marriage, and there’s no reason Desiree should become his crutch. The bit of fun she’s experiencing will soon turn to pain. It’s a losing situation, and she will be the loser. Men like this are weak and shallow, and that’s not what she’s looking for. A woman put in this position needs to stand up for herself, be strong, and send him away. He’ll move along and find someone else to victimize. She should break all communication with him, and allow space for the wonderful man who is due to arrive soon in her life. Never settle for less than you deserve. Be a Goddess with self-respect and your Renaissance Man will appear. This cheating husband is not him. Move on. The universe is bountiful and full of great, available men.

]]> Comment on Is it ever okay to tangle with a married guy? by Zann http://taoofdating.com/is-it-ever-okay-to-tangle-with-a-married-guy/comment-page-1/#comment-2080 Zann Sat, 14 Aug 2010 05:49:00 +0000 http://taoofdating.com/is-it-ever-okay-to-tangle-with-a-married-guy/#comment-2080 Wow. Great, concise, right-to-the point advice. The further along I got in her letter, the more my head wanted to explode; and the more my head wanted to explode, the more I wanted to scream across the ethernet and into Desiree's ear: "Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Just no. Thanks for unequivocally giving her the feedback she needs to hear (and asked for) and for reminding me that the upside of being a more mature women is having that capacity to resist the lure of what I call the chemistry siren ("It was so intense & seemed so real!") and to instead choose what will more likely lead us to our goals, whether that be a committed intimate relationship or simply living a life that is self-loving and drama free. Desiree -- let this guy fly his freedom-to-explore flag from someone else's rooftop. Wow. Great, concise, right-to-the point advice. The further along I got in her letter, the more my head wanted to explode; and the more my head wanted to explode, the more I wanted to scream across the ethernet and into Desiree’s ear: “Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!” Just no. Thanks for unequivocally giving her the feedback she needs to hear (and asked for) and for reminding me that the upside of being a more mature women is having that capacity to resist the lure of what I call the chemistry siren (“It was so intense & seemed so real!”) and to instead choose what will more likely lead us to our goals, whether that be a committed intimate relationship or simply living a life that is self-loving and drama free. Desiree — let this guy fly his freedom-to-explore flag from someone else’s rooftop.

]]> Comment on Is it ever okay to tangle with a married guy? by Chrissie http://taoofdating.com/is-it-ever-okay-to-tangle-with-a-married-guy/comment-page-1/#comment-2079 Chrissie Sat, 14 Aug 2010 04:44:51 +0000 http://taoofdating.com/is-it-ever-okay-to-tangle-with-a-married-guy/#comment-2079 Your advice was spot on. Time's awastin' to be playing sloppy seconds at age 40. But I would like to comment on one thing she said: … It turns out they have agreed to have an open relationship meaning both are free to pursue romantic liaisons with others... Wonder what the wife would say if she heard this little tidbit. I would be surprised if she didn't fall over in shock. Men will say whatever it takes to get what they want. Please, ladies, don't be so desperate, believing everything said to intice you. A wise old man said we are Goddesses. ;-) Believe him. And treasure the gift you have to give to someone worthy of it. I wish someone had given me this advice years ago when I needed it. Your advice was spot on. Time’s awastin’ to be playing sloppy seconds at age 40. But I would like to comment on one thing she said:
… It turns out they have agreed to have an open relationship meaning both are free to pursue romantic liaisons with others…
Wonder what the wife would say if she heard this little tidbit. I would be surprised if she didn’t fall over in shock. Men will say whatever it takes to get what they want. Please, ladies, don’t be so desperate, believing everything said to intice you. A wise old man
said we are Goddesses. ;-) Believe him. And treasure the gift you have to give to someone worthy of it. I wish someone had given me this advice years ago when I needed it.

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