Stephen B of Alberta
Tyler M of Austin
Kevin W of Idaho
Matthew C of Pennsylvania
Wade H of California
Matt T of New Jersey
Matt C of Surrey, UK
Amir F of Alberta
Brad F of Right Around Here Somewhere

This is a great start.  91 to go!

Here’s the thing: at the outset of a relationship, we’re all in ‘maximum rejection’ mode.  We’re looking for bits of information to simplify our decision-making.  We’re seeking deal-breakers more than we’re looking for points of commonality.

That’s why it’s important to titrate the information you reveal to one another so it’s all in context.  The normal course of a friendship is to get to know someone gradually, not to dump a whole bunch of information on ‘em at once.  That way you come to appreciate the person first, and subsequent information is seen in that favorable halo.

Now on to the letter from Kristi:

Dear Alex,

First of all I want to thank you for writing The Tao of Dating for Women. It’s been very helpful for me in recent months and I feel positive about the changes I’ve been making to improve my dating life.

This brings me to why I wrote you today—your blog post about Justin from Rochester and the whole no car situation. In the last year, I have been on dates with eight different men. (Don’t laugh. This is a huge improvement.) Only two of them owned cars, and one of guy’s cars wasn’t running. I only went out with the other guy because we owned the same classic car. I don’t have any issues with a guy not owning a car. If he wants to ride a bike or the bus because he can’t afford it, has a physical condition, or wants to help the environment—fine. What I can’t stand is a guy who asks me to pick him up because he doesn’t have a car or will only meet me in his neighborhood.

Here’s my advice to Justin and other car-less guys: Be a man. Be independent. Figure out a way to get to the date on your own. If you do that and you’re not a jerk, I’ll most likely give you a ride home. If you’re expecting a ride, this may be the problem—not that you don’t have a car. (Besides, I think meeting someone in a neutral place on the first couple of dates is a good choice so that you can leave if it’s not going well.)

Yes, taking the bus takes extra time and a cab, extra money. But show this woman she is worth the effort. That fact is you have a condition that makes it impossible for you to drive; any woman that can’t understand that is not worth your time. But asking her to pick you up is not cool. If you get to the date on time via your own means and show her that you’re a great guy, you will probably have a second date. If you get more dates with her and she’s really into you, then she will most likely offer you a ride.

If she senses that she would have to be your caretaker if she got involved with you, then you probably won’t get a second date. It is only a problem if you present it to her that way.

In sales you learn “talk-offs”—these are prepared concise responses to potential customers’ questions or objections about whatever it is you’re trying to sell. Anyone can sell a product when they really believe it’s great. If you believe you’re really great and you present that to her, this should not be an issue. Develop your own talk-offs. Come up with some really witty responses for when she asks you about why you don’t drive. Make her laugh. If you have a sense of humor about it, this will put her at ease.

Alex, the advice you gave Justin is really great. I just thought I’d give you a woman’s perspective. Again, thanks so much for writing this book. You’ll probably hear from me again.

– Kristi

I want to make you an irresistible offer so you can help Haiti in its time of need, and help yourself in your personal development and love life.  You also become a Tao of Dating customer, with all its exalted honors and benefits.

Basically, I’m going to donate all the proceeds from the sale of ‘The Tao of Dating for Men’ ebook for the next three days.

Here’s how it works:

1. Go to the Partners in Health website.  They’re one of the most effective and efficient nonprofits working on the ground.

https://donate.pih.org/page/contribute/haiti_earthquake?source=earthquake&subsource=homepage

2. Make a donation of $25 or more.

3. In the spot on the right-hand side that says ‘Honor someone with your contribution’, put in ‘Alex Benzer’ and my email, dralex@taoofdating.com.
THIS PART IS REALLY IMPORTANT.  You need to get my email address right, so make sure you copy and paste it correctly in the box.

4. When I get the notification email, I’ll send you a link to purchase ‘The Tao of Dating for Men’ ebook for $1 (regular price $59.95).

Pretty simple.

I’ll be doing another ‘Project Superman’ session tomorrow, which is free to my customers (and only my customers), so the timing couldn’t be more auspicious.

I’ll keep you all updated on the blog for how the challenge goes.

Do your part
AB

PS: Research has shown definitively that we feel even better after spending money on other people than when we buy ourselves stuff.  Well, here you’re spending it on you AND on others at the same time.  You can only win.  Do it!

Hello Dr. Alex;

I recently purchased your book, “The Tao of Dating for Men”, and read through the entire book in two days (could not put it down).  I am going back now to read it in more depth and do the exercises.

First, I wanted to compliment you on “The Tao of Dating for Men” which I just completed. This superb piece of work is not simply a gimmicky how-to-get-laid-quick guide, but a collection of great insights based on psychology, biology, historical accounts, and sociology.

Second, I was hoping to get your feedback on an issue which complicates my ability to employ some of your strategies.  Putting aside all the mistakes I have admittedly made, based on the book, I am more so handicapped by a physical disability which has rendered me legally, but not clinically blind.  I do not drive, but moved from a big city to the suburbs because my wife could drive, got divorced and am stuck with no car.  Daily living is handled by buses, taxis, friends and family.  Dating is a different story – and I find this issue invariably kills me on the first date when I am asked where my car is, and then tell them I took a taxi and then have to admit I don’t drive after the interrogation.

How do I remain in control (‘the buyer’) while being put at such a disadvantage?  Even if things were to progress to a second date (assuming I correctly employ your techniques, and get past the driving issue on the first date), how do I not assume a more passive position to these women if I can’t drive them around? If I am not the one in control, how will I ever succeed in the dating world?

I appreciate any insights you would be willing to offer.

Thank You.

Justin F., Rochester, NY

Glad you wrote in, Justin, and thanks for the kind words. “Superb piece of work”, “a soul-lifting book of staggering genius” and “the greatest book, like, ever” are exactly the kind of understated praise I can respect.  Keep ‘em coming.

Now this one’s a pretty common challenge that comes up.  Actually, it’s the most common one that my readers ask me about: “I have a handicap that cannot be overcome.”  Heck, come to think of it, it may be the only one. 

Here’s a sample list of these perceived handicaps: I’m too young, too old, too short, too tall, too rich, too poor, too inexperienced, too experienced, can’t walk, walk too fast, my town’s too small, my town’s too big, I’m ugly and my momma dresses me funny, etc etc.

And of course, everyone thinks his or her handicap is unique.  “Nobody has it as hard as me!  My life sucks the most!”

I’ve heard a lot of these stories.  The truth is that whatever situation you’re in could be blown up into an insurmountable problem should you choose to do so. Or it could be turned into an asset should you choose to do so.

Which one do you choose?

Sometimes, they’re young, seriously beautiful, well-off women who come to me and say they’re totally handicapped.  I love those cases, because all I do is help them rearrange some of their mental furniture and then — kapow! — everything’s fantastic.  It’s like I polish the top of the Empire State Building, and then get to take credit for the whole edifice. “Yup, that’s my work over there.”  Eeexcellent, Smithers.

Now I don’t mean to make light of anyone’s challenge here.  Being legally blind is definitely real.  And not being able to drive a car as an able-bodied man may seem like a real blow to the ego.

That part of it you cannot choose, Justin.  What you can choose is your reaction to it.

It reminds me of a friend of mine who has a congenital genetic defect that makes his bones very brittle (it’s called osteogenesis imperfecta, for all the science wonks out there, which is just Latin for ‘faulty bone growth’, as if we didn’t already know that).  He’s 3 feet tall and will be wheelchair-bound for the rest of his existence.  His name is Sean Stephenson.

He’s also a motivational speaker and author.  One of his favorite stories to tell is about one Halloween, when he was raring to go out and join all the other kids (on the one night that he could seem ‘normal’) when he whacks his leg against the door and snaps his femur.

At this moment, his mother comes to him, holds him in her arms and says, “Now calm down, honey.  And I want you to really think about this: you now have a choice to make this a blessing or a curse. Which one is it going to be?”

This is a pivotal moment, because whatever decision he makes is going to be the one that he keeps for life.  It’s not like his bone disease is going to go away.  So he has to either be a victim about it, or a victor. Now and forever.

Here’s the idea: you make something a problem to the extent that you focus your attention on it and let it be a problem.  Whatever you focus your attention upon tends to expand in your life.  Energy flows where attention goes.

So the first step is to re-focus your attention.  If you think that your inability to drive is a debilitating, deal-breaking issue, your date is likely to believe you.  There will probably be no second date.  Ever.

If you take it in stride and instead focus on her story of growing up in rural Wyoming, or how she gets two cute dimples when she smiles, or the uplifiting beauty of John Keats’ poems, then she’ll be charmed and delighted and want to come back for more.

So whoever’s reading out there: figure out what your strengths are and focus on those instead.  When you focus on that strength, people will gravitate to you because of that.

And then something very strange happens.

It’s not just that people will stop holding your imperfections against you.  It’s not just that they’ll overlook it.  No, it’s much stranger than that.

They will come to love you because of your imperfections.

If you don’t believe me, let’s just do a quick little thought experiment here.  Do you have a favorite pet?  Or stuffed animal?  Or blanket?  Or ex?  Does that particular object of affection have a defect — like a mangled ear, a threadbare patch, or a personality quirk?  And does that make the object more endearing or less so?

Interesting, huh.  It’s like the defect makes it custom-made for you– adds a little crag for affection to nest on.

People will start liking you because of your strengths.  That includes being fully accepting of who you are.  Then, they will come to love you because of your defects.

Now a debilitating bone disease is a serious and real handicap.  However, Sean has chosen to have a successful career as a motivational speaker and author in spite of it.  Or is it because of it?  He’s mining his own experiences with that so-called handicap to inspire and help others.  And, incidentally, he does fine with the ladies.

Re-arranging your mental furniture so you can see the blessing in disguise is called re-framing.  It’s one of the most mature adaptations to life’s challenges, and one of the most versatile.

It’s the second step after you choose to refocus your attention. Now you have the opportunity to change the mental dross into gold — real alchemy.  “How can I change this perceived shortcoming into an unfair advantage?”  Or, as my teacher Satyen Raja likes to put it, “How do I make art out of this?”

If you think Sean’s story’s impressive, let me present to you the story of Matthias Buchinger, ‘The Little Man of Nuremberg.’  This guy is one of my all-time heroes.  According to the site TheHumanMarvels.com:

…Buchinger was born in Anspach, Germany in 1674 and was one of the most well known performers of his day. He played over a dozen musical instruments, danced the hornpipe, and was an expert calligrapher, magician, and bowler, built magnificent ships in bottles, and stunning marksman with a pistol. All of those accomplishments are even more impressive when you realize that he had no arms or legs and stood only 28 inches high.

Self-portrait of Matthias Buchinger

And the Wikipedia entry on Matthias Buchinger reads:

Buchinger was married four times and had at least fourteen children (by eight different women). He is also rumored to have children by as many as seventy mistresses.

Well then.  So much for lack of transportation being an impediment to getting around.

So let’s take Justin’s particular case.  How can we rearrange his focus and make this an unfair advantage?  Because that’s how other guys feel when Sean is in the room: he’s in a wheelchair, which means that he automatically gets all the attention.  An unfair advantage.

Well, it turns out that one of the advanced techniques for setting up a date is to have a woman meet you at your place before you go out.  And an even more advanced technique is to have her pick you up. I’m not going to go into the psychological reasons why this is effective — for argument’s sake, let’s just say it is.

Well, guess what — Justin is in a perfect position to ask that from his date, right out the gate: “Well, if you really, really want to hang out with me, you’re going to have to pick me up. If you do, I promise I won’t hold it against you that you’re enlarging your carbon footprint and contributing to global warming and probably making New York go underwater in 5 years.”  Unfair advantage #1.

And she also has to drop you off back home at the end of the date.  Unfair advantage #2 (and a very big one).

Of course, if he wants to be super-crafty, he can arrange things such that the first date happens at his place.  He doesn’t have a car!  What could be a more plausible excuse.  That’s a chance for him to showcase his home, his life, his talents, his cooking ability and anything else he wishes.  Unfair advantage #3.

Yes, it’s nice to be able to drive your girl around.  But remember — the most powerful men in the world get driven around.  They just tell the driver where to go.  You don’t have to be holding the steering wheel in order to be in the driver’s seat. Unfair advantage #4.

I could go on with this particular case, but I’d rather hear from you, my readers: what do you think is your shortcoming right now?  And how can you turn that into an unfair advantage?  I throw down the challenge that whatever it is that you think is holding you back, you can come up with the mental alchemy to make it work for you, not against you.

Hell yeah the power is within you,

Dr Alex

As those of you on my mailing list know, today (actually in 15min) is the first installment of Project Superman.  It’s a little bit hush-hush, so if you want to get in on the action, make sure you sign up for the men’s newsletter here on the left, and we’ll catch you on the call.

For those of you who are wondering about the time, it’s at 6pm PT/9pm ET and will last 30-40min.  If you’re coming here after the call, please post your comments below.  What did you like about it?  What would you like more of?  What would you change about it?  How do you feel now?  How effective is it a couple of days out?  I’m very, very curious about your feedback.

However, the quality of my love life was worse than it had been in any other city.  For the first two years, I just assumed I had suddenly gotten ugly and stupid.  Then I heard multitudes of other people voicing similar experiences.

Now after six years of being in this town, conducting dating seminars, answering thousands of readers’ letters and writing The Tao of Dating for Women and The Tao of Dating for Men, I’m pretty sure that Los Angeles is a particularly tough city to be single in – perhaps the toughest in the US.  Here are one man’s observations on the challenges of socializing and dating in LA:

1. According to the Singles Map, the sex ratio in LA sucks.

Anthropologists have noticed a statistic that correlates nicely with the social and sexual permissiveness of a population.  It’s called the sex ratio – the number of men for every 100 women.  In places where the sex ratio is low (i.e. excess of women over men), social mores are relaxed, women go out a lot, and everyone has a ball.  Where the sex ratio is high (i.e. excess of men), people go out less and attitudes are more conservative.  No one knows exactly why this is, but it makes sense.

This correlation tracks in large populations (e.g. whole countries like Russia) and smaller ones (e.g. cities, towns and university campuses).  According to the latest singles map from the 2006 US Census, New York has a 211,000 surplus of single women over single men, while LA has 89,000 more single men than women.  Accordingly, dating in New York City is fun, while dating in Los Angeles sucks.  This statistic alone may be the single biggest cause of the lackluster love lives of singles in LA.

2. Large distances in the world’s biggest city create a real barrier to intimacy.

Let’s say you meet someone you like — cute, fun, smart, funny.  You ask where this person lives –“Silver Lake.”  You live 20 miles away in Santa Monica — and that’s not just any 20 miles.  It’s 20 miles through one of the most car-jammed concrete jungles on the planet, with no efficient public transport to speak of.  And your helicopter’s in the shop.  Again.

20 miles is a perfectly reasonable distance to travel in the 5,000+ square miles of Los Angeles to get somewhere.  Yet, it is totally unreasonable by human terms.  It’s almost twice the length of Manhattan (13 miles) and enough distance to cross a couple of national borders in Europe.

And so the activation energy of meeting someone not nearby goes up.  Physics tells us that the higher the activation energy, the less frequent the event.  So people become less likely to meet to get to know one another casually.

Contrast this with New York City.  Even though the times required to get around in NYC are comparable, the perceived effort of taking the subway or hopping in a cab is much less than driving yourself through snarls of traffic.  Hence people there are much more willing to go places and meet up.

Which brings us to…

3. Lack of pedestrian culture reduces opportunities for casual contact.

Whenever I visit Boston, New York or London, I bump into friends – on the sidewalk, on the subway, in the parks.  This casual, unforced, unpremeditated contact is the cornerstone of building social relations.  That’s why our closest friends tend to come from work and school.

That casual contact is missing in LA, because we spend a lot of time in our wheeled steel cages.  As as in the song by Missing Persons, “Nobody walks in LA.”  And if you want to meet someone again, you have to coordinate busy schedules, make a one-on-one date and travel (see #2) – a higher-stakes proposition than bumping into someone and grabbing an apropos drink.  The higher energy required for making a date means that it happens less often.

4. Transportation challenges make even the best-intentioned people flaky.

Traffic in LA is unpredictable; as a result, even the best-intentioned people end up being late more often than they wish.

Here’s the psychology of what I think happens: once you’ve been late or missed an appointment for reasons beyond your control, your brain has to make a choice: “I’m flaky so I’m a bad person” vs. “Flakiness is okay.”  To avoid cognitive dissonance, the unconscious choice that most people make is to validate the unintended bad behavior.

Showing up late, not showing up at all and breaking promises can then become the norm.  When that happens enough times to enough people, you end up in a legendarily flaky city, and social and dating life encounter more obstacles.

5. The transience of the city’s entertainment culture adds an aura of impermanence and unreliability to social ties.

A lot of people come to LA to make it in the entertainment industry, which is a fleeting, fickle creature.  Is it too farfetched to see that fickleness permeating all the way down to the participants in that industry and their social bonds?

A peculiar energy permeates a town when so many people are trying to advance an ego-based agenda – my role, my song, my script – which may not be the most conducive energy for building meaningful, lasting relationships.  Bringing us to…

6. Dating people in the entertainment industry is fraught with unique challenges.

I’ve already written another article about dating actors, so I’ll make this brief: dating people with uncertain finances, erratic schedules and fragile egos is a challenge requiring saintlier patience than most people possess.

7. Nightlife shuts down at 1am and you have to drive your own butt home afterwards.

Last call being 2am in Los Angeles, most establishments start kicking you out at 1am.  So just when things have started to get interesting, the party shuts down.  In cities like Berlin, New York, London, Barcelona and Paris, people often start going out at 1am, and the social life is correspondingly more raucous.

Lack of public transport also means that people stay sober enough to drive back home.  As a result, the social lubricant effects of alcohol don’t operate in the same way as in a city with public transport.

Mathematically stated, less party time + less imbibing of adult beverages = less fun.  This, plus the other six aforementioned factors, may very well make LA the toughest big city in the US to be single in.

I’ve found that the best way to overcome these challenges is to carve out a smaller, more local niche of friends based on shared interests and to cultivate that group with intimate events like book clubs, mixers, dinner parties and game nights.  How have you managed to create a lively community of friends in spite of tough odds?

In 24hrs, you will have one of the best opportunities for ‘success’ with with the opposite sex, however you define that for yourself. Or at least of meeting someone new.

This is because Thursday, 31 December 2009 is New Year’s Eve. And in every country using the Gregorian calendar, it’s an occasion for serious merrymaking.

In the US, along with Halloween (Oct 31) and Valentine’s Day (Feb 14), it is one of the three best days of the year for meeting someone new.

New Year’s Eve is probably the best of the three aforementioned holidays. Why? ‘Cause everyone gets a ‘get out of jail free’ card for NYE. Engaging in borderline scandalous behavior is exactly what you’re expected to do — it’s like everyone’s in Las Vegas the whole time. And everyone is expected to be kissing someone at the stroke of midnight.

So first, the guide for the ladies:

1) Pick the guy you would like to be kissing in the next 15 seconds.

2) Look at him directly in the eye while making that ‘come hither’ gesture with your forefinger.

3) When he is in smooching range, proceed to make out with him. Unless you haven’t brushed your teeth in 5 days, he won’t protest.  Trust me on this.

Okay, we’re done for the women’s part.  Now for the boys.  Here’s what I suggest for greater luck with the ladies on this fine day:

1) Wherever you go, show up as early as possible.

This is the most important tip, so I’m going to repeat it:

SHOW UP YOUR BUTT TO THE PARTY AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE.

Why? Well, straight out of ‘The Tao of Networking’ (aka How to Work a Room): when you get there early, you get to see who walks in with whom. Now you know which of the fine ladies is unattached, which has a date for the eve. This is key information which will save you a lot of work later.

Second, when you show up early and no one’s there yet, you will also feel like you own the joint. This is what I call ‘host physiology’: when you feel like you own the place, you act like it; and when you act like it, you can meet any woman in the room at will.

The third reason is also huge. Generally, if your goal is to get in the lip-lock position with a cutie of your choice by midnight, you want to get the conversation started as early as possible so you have a few hours of get-to-know you time under your belt. That way both of you can feel less sleazy about the whole sordid episode.

Yes, it is possible to start making out with a woman within minutes (or less) of meeting her (for more info on that, check out the Metamorphosis Program). It’s also a hell of a lot easier to get there if  she knows, likes and trusts you somewhat because she got to know you somewhat. So get in early.

Fourth reason for getting in early is so you can choose the best girl for you. The choice a woman makes for whom she’s going to make out with at midnight may come down to which guy approached her first. So – be first! Don’t be all nonchalant and say, “Ahhh, I’ll get to that one later.” Big mistake! I’ve done it, and it sucks. Get to her now, before some douchebag latches on to her who’s so much less interesting than you and a far worse kisser. Yeesh.

2) Commit to just one party and plan on staying there the whole night.

This is a night when more is most definitely not better. Pick one party from the multitudes and stay there.

Strategically, you want to build a lot of rapport with a few people, so you’re best off staying at one place to optimize that. Also, you’re going to be toasted, and getting around while you’re drunk is a colossal pain in the rear (especially if any driving is involved – don’t even think of driving yourself around if you’re drinking, buddy).

And anyway, what would you rather be doing – partying or being in transit? A minute on the subway or in the car is a minute not spent in revelry.

You need revelry more than you need traffic. Go be stuck in traffic next week on the way back to work, you glutton for punishment you.

3) Go to a small house party with a few friends instead of some monster mega jam with lots of random strangers.

New Year’s Eve is a great time to get together with your buds.  This is when memories are made, and whatever mischief you’re going to engage in, it will be more fun together. Also, the feelings of camarederie you’ll have from being with your friends will make you more effective with the ladies.

So pick a smaller venue like a house party where it’s not completely bonkers anonymous random people. The higher sense of rapport lends itself to better stories later and a more pleasant experience as it’s happening.

Also, the monster mega jams, in spite of the promise of having more people in them, aren’t usually all that good for meeting people. People tend to behave more like strangers towards one another when there are too many people. Once again, more is not better. Go for small.

4) Ask the magic question early and often.

Assuming your goal is to be making out with some hottie by or before midnight, and knowing that you can say pretty much whatever you want on this night and get away with it, you need to use the Magic Question a lot.

(Actually, the original Magic Question is “What’s important to you about that?,” straight out of the inimitable Tao of Dating for Men. For this New Year’s Eve performance, we have a substitute magic question standing in for the original one. The rest of the cast is unchanged.  Enjoy the performance.)

And the Magic Question, NYE edition, is:

“Would you like to kiss me? ‘Cause it is New Year’s Eve, y’know.”

The addition of the ‘because’ clause tends to increase compliance by a good 70% or so, as we discussed in The Tao of Persuasion course, so make sure you have it in there. My suspicion is that some of you will have crazy stories to tell me with this one. If so, I want to hear them. Lurid details appreciated.

5) Drink moderately.

Okay, so you may be thinking I’m putting on my doctor hat here, finger-wagging and all about the eeeevils of alcohol. Umm, well, sorta. It is always a good idea not to drink yourself to oblivion. On this particular night, it’s extra-special important though.

Why?  Because, silly — that’s why:

a) Your handsome charming self functions better that way and is more likely to make points with the ladies than your drunken buffoon self.

b) Should you get really lucky, the machinery will work better and you’ll feel more of the pleasure you were so eager to get to and

c) There will be lots of drunken wastoids in the arena, and in the interest of self-preservation from all the lunging, lurching biomass, it’s best that you had your wits about you, brother.

That’s it.

Go get ‘em, tiger

AB

So it pains me to no end to see my smart, educated, lovely female friends remain single, alone and lonely in spite of their best efforts. These are amazing women! Surely there is something wrong with the world if they remain single for so long. That’s what compelled me to write The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible.

What compels me to write this article today is a recent trip to the Harvard-Yale Game festivities, reminding me of how smart, educated women routinely sabotage their own chances for romantic fulfillment.

Because, as fabulous as these ladies are, all of their failed relationships have one thing in common: themselves. And frankly, telling them that men are losers or even proving it conclusively doesn’t improve anyone’s plight. Useful advice is about something you can change.

Now I’ve been running and attending young alumni events for Harvard, Princeton, Yale, Stanford, MIT, Columbia, Duke, Swarthmore, Penn, Cornell, Berkeley, Brown, Dartmouth, Oxford, Cambridge and similar well-regarded institutions for a while.

I’ve also been privy to the dating woes of hundreds of men who wrote me subsequent to their reading The Tao of Dating for Men.

From these emerges this brand-new list which builds and elaborates on the earlier article, Why the Smartest People Have the Toughest Time Dating. Here we go:

1. Some smart women put themselves in a no-win bind when it comes to finding an intellectual match.

A smart woman wants to date a smart man, since men less intelligent than her frankly bore her to tears. She wants to be able to hold a stimulating conversation with her partner and to know that he’s at least equal to her (if not better) in this department.

However, once a relationship with Mr Smartypants is under foot, often she unconsciously starts to compare and compete with him. She feels intimidated by his intelligence: “Is he smarter/more educated/more successful than me?” Now she’s feeling silly when she doesn’t know something, or tries to one-up him and have the upper hand. The guy doesn’t quite know what’s happening, except that the very trait that made him attractive in the first place is now causing tension.

So stop competing, Ms Smartypants — love is not a contest. In the immortal words of Boy George, “You’re my lover, not my rival.” Instead, celebrate one another for the qualities you each have to offer. Speaking of Ms Smartypants…

2. Smart women bring their inner CEO to the date.

Let’s say you’re a CEO (or doctor, or lawyer, or some other authority figure). Your job involves managing people and telling them what to do. Occasionally, you have to cut them short and redirect their focus to what’s important, or argue to make your point in a pivotal meeting. All in a day’s work.

Here’s the key point to remember: when you’re on a date with a guy, you’re no longer at work. So if you unconsciously keep on doing those things that make you so effective at the office, you may end up alienating him – especially if he’s also a CEO. Strictly speaking, this does not set a man’s heart aflame (though it may give him heartburn).

In her insightful book on why men don’t call women back after a date, Rachel Greenwald lists this ‘Boss Lady Syndrome’ as the #1 reason men run, based on a survey of thousands of men.

Remember that guys admire and respect a woman who can take charge and kick ass. Guys respect and absolutely adore a woman who can take charge and kick ass but doesn’t feel the need to prove it around him. According to Marianne Williamson’s insight in A Woman’s Worth, “In intimate relations with men, I want to major in feminine and minor in masculine.”

3. Smart women don’t make love a top priority.

If love and meaningful companionship aren’t more important to you than a project, paper, or pet, then you can skip this part entirely.

But if love really matters to you and you don’t aspire to a monastic life, put in as much time and energy into dating and romance as you do into other things you excel at.

Dating is not an afterthought for when you’ve taken care of everything else. As far as anyone can tell, deep, meaningful relationships are the most important part of life.

So let’s not leave it to chance, shall we? If you like a guy, make him feel it. Give him at least as much time and energy as your spreadsheet, term paper, chihuahua or Facebook page. A smart guy knows exactly where he is on your priority list, and if it’s too low, he will move on.

4. Smart women mistake a person for real fulfillment.

Smart women can sometimes get really excited over a guy’s resume, especially when he’s gone to the right schools and held the right jobs. Then they get stuck in a miserable marriage and wonder what went wrong when everything seemed so perfect.

There’s minimal correlation between a guy’s resume and how good he can make you feel. Fulfillment is not a person; it’s a feeling. If his company isn’t fulfilling, you’re probably with the wrong guy.

5. Smart women overthink it.

All women are master overthinkers; smart women just have extra brainpower to burn on it. So they’re experts at twisting themselves into knots of doubt, indecision and self-sabotage. “Does he like me? What does he really think about me? What does he think I think about him? And what do I think he thinks I think about him?”

Stop. Simplify. Did you enjoy his company? Then see him again and see what happens. Otherwise, don’t.

6. Smart women underplay their feminine charms.

Newsflash from the cosmos: masculine things gravitate towards feminine things. So if you want more masculine things (e.g. guys) in your life, then cultivate your feminine energy. Men are suckers for your sensuality, the swing of your hips, the nape of your neck, the curve of your lips. They absolutely love it when you take pleasure in the physical world through touch, food and sex.

Men also love it when you’re open to needing and receiving their help. They like to feel useful and wanted, even though they know full well that you can open doors and run companies on your own. Receptivity is a quintessential feminine quality, so if you want more good men in your life, be receptive to their offerings.

7. Smart women are waiting for love to show up versus showing up as love.

My friends often ask me at parties to summarize all 280 pages of The Tao of Dating for Women in a sentence.

I do their ADD-addled brains one better by boiling it down to just three words: Be the light.

If you’re embodying joy, compassion and sensuality, telling him how great he is, making him feel like a billion bucks and the conqueror of worlds, you have no competition. Anywhere. Good men will come out of the woodwork to find a goddess like you.

So lead with love. You always possess the power to elevate others, so why wait? Dare to use it now. You’ll never say ‘all the good ones are taken’ again.

Check out The Tao of Dating for Women book and Project Irresistible coaching program
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Write to me at dralex(at)taoofdating.com