Every once in a while, a book appears of such lucidity, power, and truth that it substantially rearranges the contents of your head, altering your behavior towards greater growth and flourishing.
Getting It Right This Time: Break Free from Your Hidden Blocks to Lasting Love by Orna and Matthew Walters is such a book.
Many times while reading it, I found myself nodding vigorously, saying out loud, “YES! Exactly this!” (Good thing I wasn’t reading in public.) So much hard-earned, tested truth and wisdom in this book!
The authors are my friends and colleagues Orna and Matthew Walters, the creators of the Creating Love On Purpose programs. They have coached thousands of students to create great relationships.
Notice how I said create, not find great relationships. That’s the part of their approach that I particularly appreciate. Today, I want to share with you a few big ideas from the book that can radically shift your love life.
Let’s start with a fundamental truth. Much of what passes for “true love” in North America is based on the Western Romantic Narrative. Which is a load of nonsense that’s been making you miserable ever since you first watched Snow White (or any Disney movie, for that matter). I’ll let Orna & Matt dismantle that for you right here:
“From childhood, you’re taught a ridiculous myth about love that permeates society so thoroughly that you have no choice but to believe that you “fall” in love. You’re also told that love will happen when you least expect it. That “when you know, you know.” Your belief in the myth of “love by accident” is so powerful, that on some level you never completely grew out of the coming-of-age fantasy that one day, while going about your everyday mundane activities, you’ll meet an ideal match to be your partner for life. This person will just magically appear if it’s meant to be, and the timing will be just right. The two of you will quickly fall madly in love, get married, start a family, and live in bliss happily ever after.”
Another issue with the Western Romantic Narrative is the “you complete me” story. It’s not just an unreasonable expectation, but a hugely counterproductive one:
“One of the fallacies of romantic love is that your partner fulfills you in every way, that there shouldn’t be any boundaries between the two of you, and that the right person will know what you want without having to ask. The idea that two people who are “meant to be together” merge into one is the recipe for co-dependency. Just as in the “Jerry Maguire Myth” from the Tom Cruise movie, the idea that someone completes you describes a co-dependent relationship. A lack of boundaries creates dysfunction and toxicity and can lead to abuse. Respectful love has a boundary. There is a boundary between where Orna ends, and Matthew begins and vice versa—that border is filled with respect. Healthy love is interdependent, not co-dependent.”
Another useful concept that may sound familiar is what Orna & Matthew call “dating backwards”:
“When you do connect with someone you perceive as having potential, you pine for them to like you back and maybe try to persuade them to return your affection. This desire to be liked causes you to give your power away to a complete stranger, before you know if the two of you are ideally suited for a long-term relationship or not. When this happens, you place your lovability in the hands of a stranger, giving a person you just met the power to determine your worthiness in love. We call this “Dating Backwards,” as you’re giving a stranger the benefit of the doubt—all because of a feeling.”
This desire to be liked causes you to give your power away to a complete stranger, before you know if the two of you are ideally suited for a long-term relationship or not. Profound! Also, if that’s you—please stop doing that. Thanks :)
Oh, and ever been disappointed in love? Maybe over and over again, for years? Well here’s a gem:
“Inside every cynic is a disappointed romantic, someone who believed in love but was hurt and put on a false coat of cynicism to avoid feeling hurt again.” Truth.
And if you’re one of those people who’s looking for that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling after a first date, here’s a sobering counterpoint:
“Meeting your beloved should feel calm and easy, like meeting an old friend combined with curiosity. You feel passion and attraction, but it’s not overwhelming or all-consuming. You feel grounded, you can think straight, and you can make rational decisions. Your head and your heart are in harmony rather than in conflict. Love On Purpose means you’re not dating like a teenager, you’re not a slave to your feelings, and you can be rational and slow down the dating process to evaluate if the person you just met is a match to your desires for a long-term intimate relationship.”
Ultimately, what you want in a lasting love relationship is a good match. One of the major impediments to finding that match is perfectionism:
“Perfectionism is detrimental to your love life because it goes hand-in-hand with an active inner critic and unrealistic expectations. If everything has to be perfect it will be nearly impossible for any human to meet your expectations. Plus, you’d be constantly disappointing yourself, which makes it hard for you to believe that someone else will love you. Ultimately, having integrity doesn’t mean you never make a mistake; having integrity is how you behave when you make one.”
But a good teacher doesn’t just tell you what you’re doing wrong without showing you the right path—that would just be cruel and wrong. Orna & Matthew have created a set of highly effective tools that have been getting results for their clients for years. First are the Steps to Emotional Authenticity, the only kind of authenticity that matters:
- Identify emotion.
- Express it.
- With the person you’re having it with.
- In the moment that it’s happening.
- At the appropriate intensity.
In sum: there are so many useful, empowering tools in this book that I want you to have at your disposal. A few more:
- The NRN protocol, ie No Response Necessary for unwanted communication, especially from exes.
- Ho’oponopono: Healing your heart with forgiveness (with a little Hawai’ian flavor)
- And the absolutely essential SHYFT Template: Speak How You Feel.
Whether you’re in a relationship or want to be in one, please get this book for yourself! I haven’t even gotten into the most important part, which is figuring out Your Love Imprint—the core reason you’re repeating the same (dysfunctional?) relationship patterns over and over. Don’t keep dating the person who’s a match for your core wound! Time to break free.
Getting It Right This Time contains a few dozen therapy sessions and a lifetime of wisdom between its covers. And it can be your for just the price of a couple of fancy cups of coffee. Compared to, say, a single $300 session of therapy, it costs next to nothing. Check it out and let me know which part resonated with you the most!