Hi Dr. Alex,

I’m depressed, bummed (child of 70s) and I need help.  At least I hope you read this…

Some background: I’m from Nashville, an only child, and looking back I realize I did have a charmed background. I’m not rich but my parents gave me what I wanted.

Honestly, I knew I was drop dead gorgeous. And I thought it would last forever.  Now, I’m over 50 – 56, actually. It sounds old to even write it. I’m in Tennessee, did I mention that? Key point — people in the South get married after high school. I’m still attractive but with wrinkles, etc!

So, I’ve been on the dating sites – and I have to admit most men over 50 are old in their heads.  They don’t do this or that, just because – so they tell me. Absurd to me, so I tend to be attracted to anyone that doesn’t look old and act old.

But, bottom line is it doesn’t matter what I’m attracted to ’cause I think all men see is that number, and it is over 50. It’s like you’re 49 and 23 hours and one hour later, making 356th day, you hit 50 and the world has stopped and you’re ready for the grave. It’s crazy the way the US thinks of 50 plus, and it’s a fact I’m not dealing with well. Somewhere on this planet there must be someone, some age, within reason, that still is young at heart and acts that way, too. Plus, it helps if they have good genes and haven’t gotten a pot stomach like so many down here (think Budweiser). Gross.

I’ve read that in Europe older, over-35 women are admired and cherished – not here.  Someone somewhere has got to get past the number and see me. It would take a long time to try and explain how I got here, single, and I’ve spent the last 2 years coming to grips with it and getting past the anger, though every once in a while that still creeps in, big time.

So, that might have been something someone “heard” – but not now.  Just the 56. You say we are supposed to be happy, and blah blah, I know what everyone thinks, but reality is I’m really not.  So, I’m wiritng with it all out there.  I probably should be sending you 100.00 just for answering this email, if you have time.  This is a huge imposition on my part so perhaps too, an apology is in order, for your time.  At any rate, what I’ve seen and read from you strikes home more so than anyone else out there.

Best,
Sherilyn

Thanks for the letter, Sherilyn! In general, the short ones with a specific question tend to get a quicker answer. In fact the German word for letter is Brief, hint hint :)

You didn’t really have a specific question, so I’m just going to bring some things to your attention here.

Now that it’s been over a week, re-read the letter you sent me. Notice that the darkness in it is pretty unrelenting. I’m detecting contempt for where you live and its people, contempt for their values, contempt for yourself and your age, for potbellies, for non-European attitudes, how you’re an imposition on my time, etc etc.

We need to stop that immediately. It’s okay to go a little dark every once in a while. And going 100% Pollyanna isn’t the solution either. However, indulging in the darkness and wallowing in self-pity indefinitely is a Very Bad Idea.

This letter isn’t just an apology for being old and wrinkly, as you put it — it’s sounds more like an apology for living. We tend to get more of what we focus on, and we’re responsible for creating our own world, mostly according to our beliefs. So if you’re convinced that you’re undeserving and unappealing, then that’s the most likely outcome.

Now, let’s get down to the facts: attractiveness is the name human males give for the outward signs of fertility in a woman. Naked mole rats don’t think Heidi Klum is attractive; evolution has rigged things such that human brains find certain proxies for fertility — eg clear taut skin, youth — appealing. When the woman is no longer fertile, those proxies go away. Things wrinkle, sag, widen, rearrange in inconvenient ways.

At the same time, the deterioration of those surface proxies for fertility have nothing to do with the development of your soul. In fact, the more time you have on this earth, the more opportunity you have to grow through meditation, devotion and open-hearted service. Many women attain a glow and beauty in their older age that they couldn’t possibly possess in their 20s and 30s, when they were at the height of their physical beauty.

Here’s what I suspect is going on in this particular case: the only stuff that can come out of someone is what’s already in there. So if you’ve got a torrent of contempt coming out of you, it’s because it’s always been there. It was masked until now, since things had gone reasonably well.  Now that the youth and beauty have diminished, it’s manifesting as anger.

My observation is that many gifted people — ‘drop dead gorgeous’ people amongst them — tend to have an underlying contempt for those who aren’t nearly as gifted as themselves. They use their accidental gift as an excuse to beat people down. Because of their appearance (or smarts, or athletic prowess), they always have attention so don’t realize that they have a problem. Moreover, they’re always getting positive reinforcement for whatever they’re doing, so they’re under the illusion that they have a working strategy.

This works for a few decades, during which they’re unconsciously cultivating contempt and ego-based strategies for relating to people. There’s also an opportunity cost here: they have put less time and energy into developing themselves as conscious human beings. Open-heartedness, selfless service, joy, elevating others – these are skills that are cultivated over time.  You don’t practice them, you don’t get better at them.

What happens is that one day, some of these pretty people wake up and realize, “Holy cow. I’m not pretty anymore, and I’m lonely, and I have no idea what to do to fix that.” Because they haven’t developed the skills for heart-based connection for the past 20-30 years, they have no idea what to do. They become bitter and angry at the world that seems to have taken away their power for good.

Some resort to plastic surgery, dieting or other ineffective surface measures to get their power back. They don’t realize that no matter how much they change the wrapping paper, the gift contents won’t change. These people can remain unfulfilled for a long time.

Unless they wake up in time.  Then they realize that they have a choice: at any moment of any day, they have the power to make people around them feel fantastic. A word of appreciation, a helping hand, a devoted glance — that’s often all it takes to raise someone from ho-hum or beaten down to fantastic.

Don’t be mistaken — this is real power.  My definition of real power is ‘power that cannot be taken away from you.’  Status, phyiscal beauty, riches — those can be taken away in a moment.  Spiritual beauty, on the other hand, is yours to keep, and yours to share forever.

So go ahead and dare to be the light.  Make men (and women) around you feel fantastic.  When you do that, you will start to glow.  And the good men will have no choice but to notice.

I also want to examine briefly a couple of other popular issues Sherilyn brings up.

So, I’ve been on the dating sites – and I have to admit most men over 50 are old in their heads.

This is classic poverty-consciousness.  Other versions of this: Men in their 20s are immature.  Men in their 30s are too career-minded or just want to play.  All the good ones are taken.

Poverty-consciousness, or the scarcity mindset, is the polar opposite of practicing abundance, which is the most important of the 5 themes of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible.

For every 50yr old man who feels old, there’s another one running for Congress and climbing Mt Everest.  Your job, Sherilyn, is to work on yourself and be the most radiant, open-hearted version of yourself so when Mr Right comes along, he notices you’re ready.  If the sign outside says ‘Closed’, people ain’t gonna knock, so make sure the sign says ‘Open!’.

Besdies, radiance and open-heartedness are their own reward.  It just feels better that way.

But, bottom line is it doesn’t matter what I’m attracted to ’cause I think all men see is that number, and it is over 50.

Let me ask you: does thinking this way make you feel young or old?  Which do you prefer?  Go with the story that makes you feel better.  You beliefs determine your experience.

Plus, it helps if they have good genes and haven’t gotten a pot stomach like so many down here (think Budweiser). Gross.

So let’s say a young-at-heart, handome, super-successful man comes long who abolutely adores you and gets along with you famously — but he has a pot belly.  Would you say ‘gross’ and walk away?

Ladies — make sure the criteria you have for selecting a companion serve your long-term fulfillment, not the other way around.  You may be shocked and amazed that 30% of married women report not even liking their future husband when they first met, let alone finding him attractive.

As a woman,  you have the unique gift of reconfiguring your brain to make a guy who makes you feel good look good (guys aren’t quite so versatile).  This is straight out of The Tao of Dating for Women, Ch. 5, ‘Understanding Men, Understanding Yourself’, p. 88.  If for some utterly unfathomable reason you haven’t read the book yet, it’s time to get yourself a Christmas present.

Be the light,

Dr Alex

Lately, I’ve been teaching a monthlong mentoring program for the men entitled The Metamorphosis Program.

We keep a certain amount of material in the course secret for two reasons: it works better when it comes at you as a surprise; and mystery makes the course look cool.

Kidding aside, I do want to share with you one thing that I teach in the course.  Namely, the answer to the question, “Who are you really?”

One of the three answers I suggest is “You are a conduit for the abundance of the universe.”

If you’re sufficiently confused by that answer to be thinking, “Umm, English please, doc,” then you’re on the right track.

Allow me to illustrate by continuing the story.  If you’ve ever been to Trader Joe’s here in the US, one of their nifty features is that they always have a ‘freebie corner’ where they’re giving away free samples.

Most of the time it’s something that I don’t eat, but on this particular afternoon, they had samples of a chicken tikka masala.  And it smelled gooood.

So I stood in line, and right behind me was a mother with her toddler sitting right in the shopping cart.  The kid was getting a little antsy about the food, and mom was doing her best to calm him down.

My turn came, and the Trader Joe’s lady handed me my small plate with the free sample.  And, seeing how I was not in a hurry, I handed it to the mom: “Here you go.”

The mom totally lit up with a heartfelt ‘thank you’ that I felt in my bones, all out of proportion to the gesture . A few seconds later I had my plate (delicious, by the way) and we were both on our merry shopping way again.

Now it’s not like I donated a zillion bucks to cure malaria here and Pope Benedict is going to fast-track my application to sainthood (which would actually require that I die first, so really – no thanks).  I just passed on a free sample to someone who was behind me in line, who would have gotten it anyway in about 30 seconds.

But the reaction I got was all out of proportion to the deed – and it made *my* day.  And perhaps made her feel good, too.

Now this story is a perfect demonstration of your being a conduit for the abundance of the universe.  Let me explain.

The chicken sample was not really mine.  It was a free sample to begin with.  So I never really owned it.

By giving it away, I wasn’t losing anything, because I knew there was more of that where it came from.

And, lo and behold, when I gave it away, more did come my way, with interest: the mom & kid’s gratitude, and the little warming of my heart.

Well, guess what, boys and girls: that’s true of any kind of possession and giving in life.

You think you own stuff?  Think again.  You’re born naked and you leave the same way.  Can’t take it with you, chief. And if the economic crisis of the past year has taught us anything, it’s “easy come, easy go.”

You can’t own stuff.  But stuff can definitely own you.

Even if you had paid for the chicken, what makes it ‘yours’?

So the next time you’re thinking ‘my car’, ‘my house’, ‘my boyfriend’, ‘my girlfriend’, as if somehow there’s a stamp of ownership burning your name on that thing, you may wish to reconsider.

Because when abundance comes your way, you know that it’s just like that free sample – the bounty of the universe presenting itself to you through sheer luck.

Just as it would be silly to get too possessive of that morsel of free food once it lands in your hand – “this is my chicken now” – it would be equally silly to get hung up on any of your so-called possessions.

There is no fortune made on this earth, not one, that didn’t have to do with crazy, insane luck.  So there’s no point in getting too attached or proud about what came to you through near-miraculous accident.

By realizing that you are a perpetual conduit for this abundance — a pipeline for the bounty of the universe — you keep yourself from gumming up the works and getting in the way of your own access to abundance.

Because the abundance is infinite!  There’s far more stuff than you could consume in 10,000 lifetimes.

We’re not saying that you should make like Diogenes and give away all your earthly possessions and wear a barrel.  And by all means, protect your garden fruit from the varmints.

Just don’t get *hung up* on stuff so much that its loss can make you unhappier than its presence can make you happy.

I always find it funny when people on the road (including myself) won’t let somebody in who’s trying to merge.

What, like we’re going to run out of road or something?  Or you might get somewhere 4.3 seconds sooner?

There’s plenty of road to go around.

Now some of you who are reading this may be in tough spots right now.

And what I would say to you is act as if you really are a conduit for abundance.  Don’t let this temporary state get in the way of your generosity, your open-heartedness, your openmindedness.

Get the wheel of giving turning, in whatever small way you can, and the wheel will inevitably come back to you.  As my pastor likes to say, you can only have what you give away.

So start giving away more of that which you’d like to have! (‘Cause if you’re giving something away, it must mean you have lots of it, right?  Twisted logic, but kinda true.)

And those of you who are not experiencing privation but are still feeling constricted – let’s get you re-started here.

Start by smiling at passersby.  Then work up from there.

One of the most eloquent passages on giving comes from Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet:

“Then said a rich man, ‘Speak to us of Giving.’
And he answered:
‘You give but little when you give of your possessions.
It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.

For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow?
And tomorrow, what shall tomorrow bring to the overprudent dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city?

And what is fear of need but need itself?
Is not dread of thirst when your well is full the thirst that is unquenchable?

There are those who give little of the much which they have – and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.

And there are those who have little and give it all.
These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty.

There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.
And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism.
And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy,
And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue;
They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.

Through the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes he smiles upon the earth.’”

And that’s everyday grace, my friends.  Resolve to give of yourself daily and practice being what you really are – a conduit for abundance.  The rest will take care of itself.

The power is within you
Dr Alex

PS: Want to practice some giving right now that ain’t gonna cost you anything?  Forward this message to someone whom you think would benefit from it.

Here’s a video of the first 40min of the reading.  This is when I lay out the 5 principles of The Tao of Dating (for both men and women).  It starts with a supremely complimentary intro by my friend and colleague Evan Marc Katz, author of an outstanding dating blog and the best dating coach I know for women.  Then I get on my soapbox.  I even get a few laughs — thank god for wine.

I’ll have the full audio of the event ready soon for download — make sure you’re on my mailing list to get that.  In the meantime, check out the video, courtesy of Marc Strassman of etopianews.com:

“I met this guy, and he took me to dinner, and it was really romantic, but he did/didn’t try to kiss me, then he called/didn’t call back, then he asked/didn’t ask me out again, and what does it all mean is he interested what should I do help help help.”

Now, many of you think I have magical powers. And it’s absolutely true. For example, I can make whole plates of pasta vanish in seconds and order beer in 12 languages.

However, reading the minds of your dates whom I have never seen nor met is not one of those powers. I missed that boat of psychic ability.

Additionally, trying to parse each individual situation for an ultimate answer doesn’t work so well, because there are millions of situations and often no ultimate answer.

However, just a few reliable principles can solve a whole bunch of problems. I’ve found the following five principles pretty handy. They form the backbone of the Tao of Dating book for women and men, and here they are:

1. Abundance, or wealth-consciousness.

Anaїs Nin once said, “We do not see the world as it is; we see the world as we are.” Thus you have the choice to see the world with a lens of wealth-consciousness or poverty-consciousness. Do you see scarcity, lack and limitation around you, or wealth, possibility and abundance?

The mindset you choose bears directly upon the success of your love life (and your success in general). Scarcity-consciousness – e.g. “all the good ones are taken” – begets neediness, and neediness is not attractive.

Big-heartedness and self-sufficiency, on the other hand, work much better. Even the Bible has something to say about that: “For he that hath, to him shall be given: and he that hath not, from him shall be taken away even that which he hath.”

Seems kind of mean, but it’s just the way of the world: wealth begets wealth. So even if you don’t have a companion, act as if there is an unlimited supply of what you want available to you already.

And you know what? There is. Because even if only one thousandth of one percent of the 6.5 billion people in this world are cool enough to be eligible for your companionship, that’s, oh, 65,000 folks. That’s enough dates to tide you over for a whole month.

2. Enlightened self-interest.

This one has three words in it. ‘Enlightened’ means that you make decisions by considering the long-term consequences of your actions. Short-sighted decisions – e.g. “I know he’s a bad boy, but it’ll be so much fun” – usually end in tears and/or heartbreak.

‘Self’ means that your welfare takes priority, just like in the pre-flight announcement where they say put on your own oxygen mask first, then help others in the case of an emergency. To be able to take care of anyone else, you need to take care of you first. Simple, totally non-negotiable, and often neglected.

‘Interest’ means that you’re signing up for your fulfillment and joy, not your pain. If a relationship is making you miserable and unhappy – like that of my friend Holly who was being put down and punched up by the man she was supporting financially – consider ending it. Because fulfillment is a feeling, not a person. So if you’re not getting fulfilling feelings in a relationship, chances are you’re with the wrong person.

3. The Be-Do-Have paradigm (vs. Have-Do-Be).

Many people think like this: “If I have a great partner, then I can do the things that people with partners do, and then I can be happy.” That’s actually the tail wagging the dog. The proper sequence is: “If I am a happy, self-sufficient, generous and charming person, then I will have a great life and do things that feel good and make me attractive, and then, as a pleasant side-effect, will have fabulous companions who are naturally attracted to my life.”

Successful change begins at the level of identity and belief, so first, be the kind of person you want to be. From the right beliefs will flow the right actions, or te (the middle word from Tao Te Ching) naturally and effortlessly, from which will come right results.

4. Yin-Yang (Feminine-Masculine) Polarity

The Taoists say that two poles are necessary for energy to flow: the receptive or feminine yin and the projecting or masculine yang. We see this in nature: water runs from high to low; electricity flows between cathode and anode; magnetic force goes between north and south poles.

This is especially true of human relations. Without polarity, relationships fall flat, whether in heterosexual or same-sex couples: someone has to wear the pants.

As a man, if you take on too much yin, you risk turning into an indecisive wimp, which is not necessarily appealing to women. Having an open heart is great; just remember to keep your spine also.

As a woman, if you take on too much yang, you risk turning into a facsimile of a guy, which may be admirable but not necessarily attractive. Strength is great, but remember that femininity is what draws in the masculine.

As the immortal bard Prince Rogers Nelson once said, “let a woman be a woman and a man be a man.”

5. Get out of your own way.

Recently a very intelligent woman wrote to tell me she couldn’t date guys who were less smart than her, because they bored her. And when she finally found a guy who was smarter than her, she found herself competing with him and putting him down out of insecurity, thereby driving him away. Basically, she could not win.

So much pain in dating is self-inflicted and has to do with upholding our own importance or appeasing the ego.

Therefore I will state here without proof that there is no greater waste of your energy than upholding your own importance. Get used to the idea that it just doesn’t matter.

The Buddhists have this nifty concept called anatta, or no-self. It basically means that nothing in the universe has a fixed identity – especially you. If you’re breathing and have a heartbeat and just read this phrase, billions of things changed in your mind and body right now. So you’re fundamentally not the same you were five seconds ago, let alone five years ago. So quit trying to defend something that essentially isn’t there.

Whether or not you fully buy into this concept, it’s a handy notion: with no ego to be rejected, insulted or hurt, you’re much more likely to have an open heart and take risks in love. You’re also more likely to be kind, compassionate, and fun to be around.

When you practice anatta, all the energy that was used for judgment, competition and defensiveness can now be used for a better purpose: practicing the loving.

Waiting for the world to arrange its circumstances perfectly to allow you to start loving, to paraphrase Ramana Maharshi, is like wanting to cover the world in leather so you can walk barefoot. It is much simpler to wear shoes. The time to love is always now.

So if your best thinking got you here, perhaps it’s time to start something new: practice abundance; take the long view; be the change you want to see; and open into even greater loving.

Join me in Los Angeles for a reading of The Tao of Dating for Women: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible on Wed 15 July at 7pm at Book Soup.
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