It’s 5.30pm on Friday night, and you have a date for 8pm. You’re really eager to spend time with this new guy you’ve met. He says he’s made a reservation at the hottest new restaurant in town, and you’ve been anticipating this since Monday when you agreed to go out with him. It’s the highlight of your long week.

You arrive home, put down your handbag and take off your jacket, wondering whether you’re going to wear that red off-the-shoulder number or the more subdued black dress. And shoes – which shoes… when the ringing of your phone interrupts your train of thought. It’s him. He says his boss called him in to help prepare for tomorrow’s client presentation. He cancels on you.

What’s the Right Thing to Do?

If you’ve ever dated, something like this has happened whether you’re male or female. People cancel at the last minute, change their minds, break promises, don’t show up, behave strangely, antagonize you capriciously, get moody, and ruin an otherwise perfectly nice evening.

If that were all they did, your course of action would be clear: move on, and move into a monastery. Unfortunately, those same people who behave strangely have also been known to make you happy by showing interest, showing up, and showing you a great time.

This complexity is what renders dating such a challenge. For example, in the scenario above, here are two of your potential responses to the cancellation:

Get righteously indignant. He’s cancelled at the last minute, leaving you high and dry, so you’d be fully justified. However, if you like him, he may not ask you out again if you chew him out.

Let it slide. Well, these things come up, so hey – no problem! You totally understand. But if you do that, would you be setting a precedent for allowing him to cancel again with impunity? You do want to give him a second chance without being a complete doormat. And your best friend introduced him to you, so just being nasty to him won’t do.

Which option is better? This is not a trivial question, and researchers like David Buss claim that the human brain evolved to its current gargantuan size mostly to figure out complex social questions like this.

A Solution Provided by Game Theory

I like elegant, simple solutions to complex problems, which is why I’ve based The Tao of Dating for Women (and Men) on peer-reviewed science and Eastern wisdom. That way, you have reliable strategies that you can use over and over again, knowing that they give you consistently good results.

One such strategy applicable to our scenario (and actually all human interaction) comes from game theory. A game is any situation in which you make decisions that affect other players. So in dating, even when you think you’re not playing games, by definition you are. In fact, any extended social interaction is a combination of many games over time.

A particular kind of game called the iterated prisoner’s dilemma bears particular relevance to dating. Without getting into the intricacies of this game, I just want you to know that each player in the game has a choice to either cooperate or defect – basically, to be nice or nasty. Not so surprisingly, cooperation (aka being nice) is the more effective long-term strategy (with a caveat that we’ll discuss).

In his 1984 book The Evolution of Cooperation, political scientist Robert Axelrod reported on the success of various long-term strategies when pitted against one another. He came up with some interesting findings on the nature of cooperation, one set of which I’ll summarize as the four Axelrod Criteria. They should hold you in good stead in dating, business, friendship, family dynamics and the odd international treaty negotiation:

1. Be nice.
Start by cooperating, not defecting. This generally means saying ‘yes’ instead of ‘no’. You continue to cooperate until the other person defects, at which point you need to…

2. Be provocable.
Once the other person defects, you defect, too. Your strategy is basically to do whatever the other person did in the last round. This means if the other person starts being nice again, you need to…

3. Be forgiving.
That’s right. If the other person switches back to cooperating, you start cooperating, too, and continue to do so unless provoked.

4. Be straightforward.
You’re already playing a game, so let’s not needlessly complicate matters by playing games within the game. Don’t get greedy, selfish, vindictive, or tricky just to get ahead a little. Play straight.

Life isn’t as cut-and-dried as a computer simulation, so here are some suggestions for applying this to your love life:

• If you think you’re too nice, then you should be more provocable. In the example above, this does not mean that you should set up another date and then cancel on the last minute – that just increases the total storehouse of pain in the world. It means you should get provoked now while expressing yourself clearly and elegantly.

For example, in the scenario above, you sould say something like this:
“I understand that something came up – these things happen.” You’re being compassionate and understanding. Nice, even.

“However, I had set aside this time for us and I’m really disappointed that you cancelled without enough time for me to make alternate plans for a Friday night.” Now you’re demonstrating that you’ve been provoked.

“So, if you’re interested in seeing me again, you should let me know how you’d like to make this up to me, and I’d be happy to spend time with you again.” You’re being forgiving and straightforward.

• If you tend to err on the side of meanness, practice being more forgiving. Don’t dock people forever – be provoked only in response to provocation. You don’t want to shut the door on a potentially great relationship because of just one slip-up. Give people the benefit of the doubt.

• If you tend towards passive-aggressive game playing, stop that immediately. Love is plenty complicated as it is – why make it harder for yourselves? Avoid petty drama and communicate your feelings and wishes clearly. Be straightforward.

As much as some of us would like to think it’s true, it’s not possible to reduce all of life and love to a solvable mathematical game. However, the four Axelrod Criteria of being nice, provocable, forgiving and straightforward will hold you in good stead in many difficult decisions.

Looking for more brilliant advice like this? Can’t blame ya. Get the books The Tao of Dating for Women and The Tao of Dating for Men, the dating bibles for smart folks
Got a burning question? Write me with ‘Question’ in the subject line and I’ll do my best to get back to you
For more excellent brain fodder, visit the Awaken Your Genius blog

7H323DBJRE7R

Yup – men are everywhere. But we’re not nearly as baffling as we seem once you understand the underlying machinery. As my fortune cookie said last night, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

So, straight out of The Tao of Dating — “the dating bible for smart women” according to my good man and ace dating coach Evan Marc Katz, and the greatest book in the world according to my mom — here’s a little primer on how to understand guys. Whether you’re single or married, this should help you relate better with half of the planet’s population, leading directly to world peace and reversing global warming instantly. So don’t just read it for yourself — read it to save the polar bears:

1) Men need to feel useful.
In the good old days of cave living and mammoth hunting, guys had essential functions: they protected the homestead and brought home the meat.

Even though modern niceties like police and Whole Foods have largely superseded those functions, men still want to be useful. You can take the man out of the cave, but you can’t take the cave out of the man.

So we try to open doors for you, even though we know you have pilates-toned biceps to do it yourself. We like to treat you to some fresh mammoth at the local diner, even though you can afford it yourself. We lend our arm when we walk together, help you install gadgets, carry suitcases. It ain’t much, but it’s all that’s left for us to do.

When a woman signals that she is so independent that she doesn’t need (or want) a man doing these things for her, the man will sulk away and find something else to make him feel useful – work, sports, poker, drinking buddies, other women.

2) Men mono-task.
The other day, I had some friends over for dinner, and one of them was trying to engage me in conversation while I was chopping salad. After a minute of stilted conversation and impaired chopping, I had to shoo him away and resume the chopping solo, lest I lose a fingertip.

There are structural differences between the brains of men and women. A woman’s corpus callosum is 20 percent bigger than that of a man, so maybe the increased traffic she can handle between her right and left hemispheres allows her to multitask better. All I know is that we guys can barely talk and eat at the same time. We can’t talk and drive. And we certainly shouldn’t be allowed to talk and cook, unless you want some extra fingertip in your salad.

3) Men are hornier than women.
Let’s assume that evolution designed us to perpetuate our genes. Now ask yourself: what’s the maximum number of children a man and a woman could have in a year if each had sex with a different person every day? The answer makes it immediately obvious that, in the genetic lottery, a man stands to gain a lot more than a woman by having multiple sexual partners.

In short, men behave like sperm; women behave like eggs. Sperm are plentiful, easily regenerated and cheap. Eggs are scarce, finite and expensive. So women are gatekeepers while men storm the barricades. Is this good? Is this bad? Neither. It just is. And someone please tell me why I feel like having an omelet now.

4) Men prefer to be taller, richer and smarter than the women they date.
A study showed that 84 percent of men won’t date a woman who’s better educated than himself. Similar numbers apply to wealthier and taller women. This means that somewhere, there are legions of rich, smart, tall women left all by their lonesome – tragic indeed. Except for the men who like rich, smart, tall women. My email’s below.

5) Men like to be heard.
Yeah, we like to ramble. We’ve got stories about our new gadget, the game last night, Samuel Johnson, the Large Hadron Collider. Oh, and we’ve got opinions – about everything. You’re free for the rest of the month, right?

As such, we’re used to being interrupted. But if you’re the woman who’s patient and savvy enough to let us ramble without interruption, then we will probably want to have you around more often.

6) Men don’t pay much attention to what women wear.
Most straight men can’t tell the difference between $30 shoes and a $300 pair. We are also oblivious to the way women artfully match their belts, handbags and dresses with said shoes. Frankly, it’s all wrapping paper to us. Far more interesting is the present underneath. Is it Christmas yet?

As long as a woman’s clothes are clean and present her well without obscuring essential information (e.g. “Is that an empire waist dress or is she just pregnant?”), we’re much more interested in the contents of her clothes than the clothes themselves – the body for sure, and if she keeps our attention, the mind and spirit, too. That said…

7) Men are shallow when it comes to women’s looks.
We care about women’s looks – a lot. Shiny hair, hourglass figure, clear skin draw us in. Scientists say those are proxies for health, youth and fertility, or what guys call ‘hotness.’ Studies say hotness peaks around age 21. So if a woman in her 30s who wants children wonders why guys in their 30s date children, that’s why.

Now, a woman seems to have the gift of making a man who makes her feel good look good. Guys tend to operate differently. We either find you appealing or not.

We may be shallow, but we’re connoisseurs of our shallowness. Most of us tend to have a type we find attractive and stick to it for better or for worse. A man’s type may change over time, but there’s no guarantee, and it can’t be induced to change. Which brings us to…

8) Men don’t change much after age 18.
What I’ve noticed in my years in the personal change business is how little people shift in their habits and attitudes over time. A 60-year-old runs the same programs he learned when he was a kid. Therefore, trying to change a man is a futile endeavor unless you’re a hypnotherapist and he’s paying you to do it.

When a woman picks a man as a companion, she accepts the whole package without line-item vetoes. If she’s lucky, he’ll be doing the same for her, so it ends up being a pretty fair deal.

9) Men rise or fall to your level of expectation of them.
Of course, right after I tell you that men don’t change, I come out and tell you that they do — a little bit. Most men are afraid to admit it, but we’re basically here to please women. If you hold him to low standards — it’s okay if he shows up late, forgets a birthday, isn’t ambitious — he will meet those standards. Conversely, if you expect reliability, loyalty and greatness from him, that’s what he’ll deliver.

May you find these useful. And if you have some of your own observations for understanding men and saving polar bears, do share them below.

More insights on men & a foolproof program for finding, meeting, attracting & keeping the good ones in The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible
Write to me directly. I do my best to answer all questions. Put ‘Question’ in the subject line and please keep it under 2 paragraphs

We talked about noticing aspects of your own behavior that are relevant to your fulfillment.  For example, if you’re chronically getting in the way of your own happiness through self-deprecation, that’s useful to know (and, by the way, stop doing that already.  Thanks.).  Equally important is to notice behaviors of potential male companions which bear on your fulfillment.

This section is for those of you who find yourselves occasionally (or serially) involved with bad boys only to regret the episode afterwards.  If you’ve never had a problem with bad boys and  don’t think you ever will, you may also skip this section.  If you like bad boys and can handle them just fine, then skip this section.  If you’ve ever found a bad boy even slightly appealing and think you could someday get involved with one, read on.

There’s something attractive about bad boys, which is why smart women need to be able to spot them before getting involved with one, because they’re just so darn tasty sometimes.  In a way, getting involved with a bad boy is like obesity: prevention is the best solution.  If it’s already happened, it’s often too late, and the solutions are laborious and ineffective.  So unless you’re signing up for a relationship of limited duration with a definite expiration date, you’re better off avoiding the bad boy altogether.

Also, because of the particularly heady brew of chemicals bad boys induce in your head and body, getting involved with a bad boy makes it more difficult to recognize and appreciate a Good Guy.  Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.

My definition of a bad boy is simple: he is a boy (as opposed to a man) who is bad for you in the long term.  By bad I mean that overall, he will bring more pain to your life than joy.  Don’t get me wrong: there will be some good times with the bad boy.  That’s why women get involved with them.  But the net result tends to be more pain than joy.

By you I mean the whole of your life: your mental, spiritual, physical and financial well-being.  No one item here absolutely certifies a person as a bad boy; however, the occurrence of several of these characteristics in one individual should be a warning sign.

Incidentally, a man’s number of sexual partners is not necessarily an indicator of whether he’s a bad boy or not.  This is all about how he treats you in the long term.  It would be just as foolish to let go of a sexually experienced man who loves you and treats you like the queen of the universe as it would be to attach yourself to a monk who disrespects you. In any case, always expect a genuinely desirable man to have been noticed by women before you.

If I were to pick one quality that would be the most accurate indicator of whether someone’s a bad boy, it’s a presence of extremes.  Whether of beauty, wealth, intelligence, tidiness, messiness, neglect or solicitude, extremes are tipoffs that this guy might be a handful who’ll bring you more trouble than it’s worth.  The Tao is about taking the middle path;  those who court extremes are not with the Tao.  If you bring those people into your life, you may be inviting instability and trouble.  Chapter 29 of the Tao Te Ching says:

The sage sees things as they are
And takes the middle path,

Away from the extremes.

Every characteristic listed here is like a double-edged sword: the very thing that makes it appealing can also render it detrimental.  The list is intended to make you aware and wary of whether you’re signing up for the fun or the pain.  Whenever you spot one of these list items, ask yourself: “What’s the purpose of this behavior?  What’s he trying to get out of it?”  Put yourself in his motorcycle boots for a moment, and you’ll gain instant insight into the male mind.

Don’t get me wrong — bad boys can be a lot of fun, and the totally nice guys might be pretty deathly boring.  The purpose of this is, first and foremost, your awareness so you can choose a middle path.  You want a guy who has a little bit of an edge and is decent to boot.

Here are some behaviors that could mean you’re dealing with a bad boy, and how your mind may rationalize it as appealing rather than problematic.  Caveat emptor:

Moving things along too quickly. Bad boys tend to make early declarations of affection – genuinely or for effect.  They also fall in love easily and have no problem proposing a romantic weekend getaway when they’ve known you for less than fifteen minutes.

What it looks like: Spontaneity and joie de vivre.

What it could really be: Impulsiveness; trying to get into your pants as swiftly as possible

What you’re signing up for if you date him: plans only made at the last minute; plans cancelled at the last minute; general irresponsibility; similarly impulsive overtures to other women.

Being just a tad too smooth. When you first meet him, does he touch you too early and too often?  Is he whispering in your ear?  Is he overly generous with his compliments?  Does he attempt to take you away from your friends and get you alone?  Is he always subtly (or blatantly) pushing the boundary of what’s appropriate and comfortable?  Is he telling stories that seem too well-rehearsed and designed to aggrandize him, impress you, and get you worked up?  Is there a lot of showmanship going on?  Once you’ve started dating, are his excuses for marginal behavior all too plausible?  If so, you are almost certainly dealing with a bad boy.

What it looks like: Romance! These men know that this is the ultimate bait for getting a woman, and therefore use it skillfully and without apology.

What it could really be: Too good to be true is almost always exactly that.  Deliberately seductive behavior usually means you’re dealing with an experienced player.

What you’re signing up for if you date him: sexual infidelity (and possibly diseases); unreliability; rapid emotional detachment once he’s gotten what he wants from you.

Thrillseeking behavior. He rides a motorcycle – a big Harley, actually.  He skydives, takes all kinds of drugs, drinks a lot, goes out five times a week or more, and generally looks for the adrenaline rush.

What it looks like: A life of excitement that you want to be a part of.

What it could really be: Although many grown, responsible men take calculated risks, chronic thrillseeking is often a sign of immaturity and recklessness.

What you’re signing up for if you date him: worry; genuine fear; loneliness as he goes off on his jaunts; infidelity; irresponsibility; run-ins with the law.

Devil-may-care attitude. He lives by his own rules – and only by his own rules.  He dresses like he wants, works when he wants, eats what he wants, says what he wants.  ‘No one will the boss of me’ is his motto.

What it looks like: Fierce, roguish independence.

What it could really be: Lack of consideration and antisocial behavior, which will inevitably extend to you as well.

What you’re signing up for if you date him: inability to make plans, or broken plans when he does make them; verbal abuse; insensitivity to your feelings and desires; financial distress.

Studied physical appearance. A stylish man is good to find.  However, you can tell if a man has spent more time than normal on his appearance for effect.  Too disheveled goes in the same category as too slick: extremes are what you’re watching out for.  Heavy cologne is often a tip-off.

What it looks like: Style, baby, style.

What it could really be: Narcissism and vanity.

What you’re signing up for if you date him: Player tendencies; mistreatment; self-absorption.

General evasiveness. When a man is evasive about personal questions – especially about dating, the women in his life, the length of relationships and such – beware.  He may be doing it for sport, but chances are he has something to hide.  A good relationship is based on honesty, trust and respect.  Chronic evasiveness precludes all three, so this is an inauspicious start to things. Incidentally, if a man lies to you even once for non-humanitarian reasons (e.g., only something like “There’s no one hiding in the attic from the secret police” is acceptable), that’s grounds for leaving him.

What it looks like: Mystery and intrigue.

What it could really be: Skeletons in the closet.

What you’re signing up for if you date him: Unreliability; mistrust; lies.

Living space that’s too well thought-out or too messy. Psychologists talk about the concept of thin-slicing: how from one snapshot of a person’s life you can intuit fairly accurate information about his character.  In fact, psychologists showed in an experiment that walking through a person’s uninhabited apartment yielded a more accurate character assessment than an interview with that person (Gosling et al., 2002).

As such, the well-appointed love nest and the messy bachelor pad are both potential signs of trouble ahead.  A man’s chic apartment with the bearskin rug in front of the fireplace, four-poster canopied bed, strategically positioned Art of Sensual Massage on the coffee table and scented candles everywhere should make you wonder why he created this ambience from which a woman would supposedly find it difficult to escape – and how many women preceded you and will succeed you.  On the other end of the spectrum, the dishevelment of the messy apartment should make you wonder whether that’s the level of consideration with which he’ll be treating you.

What it looks like: Good taste (love nest), endearingly boyish disorder (messy bachelor pad).

What it could really be: A player.

What you’re signing up for if you date him: See ‘Being too smooth’ entry above.

Inconsideration. Did he ask you out far enough in advance so you’d be able to make plans?  Did he call ahead of time to say he was going to be late?  Did he open your car door for you?  Did he offer to pay when he invited you out?  Did he ask about your sick cat when you said she was sick?  How about your sick grandmother?  How about when you were sick?  Does he offer you his coat when you look cold?  I’m belaboring the point here, and what I’m saying is this: you know what consideration looks like, and it’s different from when a guy’s being a jerk to you.  Any one of these things is not a big deal, but a bunch of them happening in close succession is a sign of trouble.

What it looks like: Non-conformity, roguish independence.

What it could really be: A jerk.

What you’re signing up for if you date him: see Devil-may-care attitude above.

Indecision. This is one of the characteristics that truly separates the men from the boys: can he decide?  Decision means leadership, leadership means responsibility, and responsibility means power.  An indecisive man is a powerless man.  If he waffles and weaves with every decision he makes, or even worse, consults you for all his decisions, run.  Better a man who decides and is wrong on occasion than one who refuses to decide at all.  Of all the characteristics mentioned here, this may very well be the worst.  Just stay away.

What it looks like: Sensitivity and consideration.

What it could really be: Spinelessness, weakness.

What you’re signing up if you date him: Exasperation, ruined plans, total disaster.

Highly selective availability or too much availability. Again, you have to ask yourself why this is the case, because there are usually good reasons for extreme unavailability or availability.  A man with highly selective availability is often seeing other women or married to one.  A man who’s always available may be unemployed or desperate.  Either way, keep your eyes open.

What it looks like: Busy, important man-about-town (unavailable one) or a guy who’s really, really into you (highly available one).

What it could really be: A man with too many or too few options.

What you’re signing up for if you date him: A man who will either keep you hanging on or will be always hanging on you.

BGBZ24SSBYVV

Hello Dr. Alex;

I recently purchased your book, “The Tao of Dating for Men”, and read through the entire book in two days (could not put it down).  I am going back now to read it in more depth and do the exercises.

First, I wanted to compliment you on “The Tao of Dating for Men” which I just completed. This superb piece of work is not simply a gimmicky how-to-get-laid-quick guide, but a collection of great insights based on psychology, biology, historical accounts, and sociology.

Second, I was hoping to get your feedback on an issue which complicates my ability to employ some of your strategies.  Putting aside all the mistakes I have admittedly made, based on the book, I am more so handicapped by a physical disability which has rendered me legally, but not clinically blind.  I do not drive, but moved from a big city to the suburbs because my wife could drive, got divorced and am stuck with no car.  Daily living is handled by buses, taxis, friends and family.  Dating is a different story – and I find this issue invariably kills me on the first date when I am asked where my car is, and then tell them I took a taxi and then have to admit I don’t drive after the interrogation.

How do I remain in control (‘the buyer’) while being put at such a disadvantage?  Even if things were to progress to a second date (assuming I correctly employ your techniques, and get past the driving issue on the first date), how do I not assume a more passive position to these women if I can’t drive them around? If I am not the one in control, how will I ever succeed in the dating world?

I appreciate any insights you would be willing to offer.

Thank You.

Justin F., Rochester, NY

Glad you wrote in, Justin, and thanks for the kind words. “Superb piece of work”, “a soul-lifting book of staggering genius” and “the greatest book, like, ever” are exactly the kind of understated praise I can respect.  Keep ‘em coming.

Now this one’s a pretty common challenge that comes up.  Actually, it’s the most common one that my readers ask me about: “I have a handicap that cannot be overcome.”  Heck, come to think of it, it may be the only one. 

Here’s a sample list of these perceived handicaps: I’m too young, too old, too short, too tall, too rich, too poor, too inexperienced, too experienced, can’t walk, walk too fast, my town’s too small, my town’s too big, I’m ugly and my momma dresses me funny, etc etc.

And of course, everyone thinks his or her handicap is unique.  “Nobody has it as hard as me!  My life sucks the most!”

I’ve heard a lot of these stories.  The truth is that whatever situation you’re in could be blown up into an insurmountable problem should you choose to do so. Or it could be turned into an asset should you choose to do so.

Which one do you choose?

Sometimes, they’re young, seriously beautiful, well-off women who come to me and say they’re totally handicapped.  I love those cases, because all I do is help them rearrange some of their mental furniture and then — kapow! — everything’s fantastic.  It’s like I polish the top of the Empire State Building, and then get to take credit for the whole edifice. “Yup, that’s my work over there.”  Eeexcellent, Smithers.

Now I don’t mean to make light of anyone’s challenge here.  Being legally blind is definitely real.  And not being able to drive a car as an able-bodied man may seem like a real blow to the ego.

That part of it you cannot choose, Justin.  What you can choose is your reaction to it.

It reminds me of a friend of mine who has a congenital genetic defect that makes his bones very brittle (it’s called osteogenesis imperfecta, for all the science wonks out there, which is just Latin for ‘faulty bone growth’, as if we didn’t already know that).  He’s 3 feet tall and will be wheelchair-bound for the rest of his existence.  His name is Sean Stephenson.

He’s also a motivational speaker and author.  One of his favorite stories to tell is about one Halloween, when he was raring to go out and join all the other kids (on the one night that he could seem ‘normal’) when he whacks his leg against the door and snaps his femur.

At this moment, his mother comes to him, holds him in her arms and says, “Now calm down, honey.  And I want you to really think about this: you now have a choice to make this a blessing or a curse. Which one is it going to be?”

This is a pivotal moment, because whatever decision he makes is going to be the one that he keeps for life.  It’s not like his bone disease is going to go away.  So he has to either be a victim about it, or a victor. Now and forever.

Here’s the idea: you make something a problem to the extent that you focus your attention on it and let it be a problem.  Whatever you focus your attention upon tends to expand in your life.  Energy flows where attention goes.

So the first step is to re-focus your attention.  If you think that your inability to drive is a debilitating, deal-breaking issue, your date is likely to believe you.  There will probably be no second date.  Ever.

If you take it in stride and instead focus on her story of growing up in rural Wyoming, or how she gets two cute dimples when she smiles, or the uplifiting beauty of John Keats’ poems, then she’ll be charmed and delighted and want to come back for more.

So whoever’s reading out there: figure out what your strengths are and focus on those instead.  When you focus on that strength, people will gravitate to you because of that.

And then something very strange happens.

It’s not just that people will stop holding your imperfections against you.  It’s not just that they’ll overlook it.  No, it’s much stranger than that.

They will come to love you because of your imperfections.

If you don’t believe me, let’s just do a quick little thought experiment here.  Do you have a favorite pet?  Or stuffed animal?  Or blanket?  Or ex?  Does that particular object of affection have a defect — like a mangled ear, a threadbare patch, or a personality quirk?  And does that make the object more endearing or less so?

Interesting, huh.  It’s like the defect makes it custom-made for you– adds a little crag for affection to nest on.

People will start liking you because of your strengths.  That includes being fully accepting of who you are.  Then, they will come to love you because of your defects.

Now a debilitating bone disease is a serious and real handicap.  However, Sean has chosen to have a successful career as a motivational speaker and author in spite of it.  Or is it because of it?  He’s mining his own experiences with that so-called handicap to inspire and help others.  And, incidentally, he does fine with the ladies.

Re-arranging your mental furniture so you can see the blessing in disguise is called re-framing.  It’s one of the most mature adaptations to life’s challenges, and one of the most versatile.

It’s the second step after you choose to refocus your attention. Now you have the opportunity to change the mental dross into gold — real alchemy.  “How can I change this perceived shortcoming into an unfair advantage?”  Or, as my teacher Satyen Raja likes to put it, “How do I make art out of this?”

If you think Sean’s story’s impressive, let me present to you the story of Matthias Buchinger, ‘The Little Man of Nuremberg.’  This guy is one of my all-time heroes.  According to the site TheHumanMarvels.com:

…Buchinger was born in Anspach, Germany in 1674 and was one of the most well known performers of his day. He played over a dozen musical instruments, danced the hornpipe, and was an expert calligrapher, magician, and bowler, built magnificent ships in bottles, and stunning marksman with a pistol. All of those accomplishments are even more impressive when you realize that he had no arms or legs and stood only 28 inches high.

Self-portrait of Matthias Buchinger

And the Wikipedia entry on Matthias Buchinger reads:

Buchinger was married four times and had at least fourteen children (by eight different women). He is also rumored to have children by as many as seventy mistresses.

Well then.  So much for lack of transportation being an impediment to getting around.

So let’s take Justin’s particular case.  How can we rearrange his focus and make this an unfair advantage?  Because that’s how other guys feel when Sean is in the room: he’s in a wheelchair, which means that he automatically gets all the attention.  An unfair advantage.

Well, it turns out that one of the advanced techniques for setting up a date is to have a woman meet you at your place before you go out.  And an even more advanced technique is to have her pick you up. I’m not going to go into the psychological reasons why this is effective — for argument’s sake, let’s just say it is.

Well, guess what — Justin is in a perfect position to ask that from his date, right out the gate: “Well, if you really, really want to hang out with me, you’re going to have to pick me up. If you do, I promise I won’t hold it against you that you’re enlarging your carbon footprint and contributing to global warming and probably making New York go underwater in 5 years.”  Unfair advantage #1.

And she also has to drop you off back home at the end of the date.  Unfair advantage #2 (and a very big one).

Of course, if he wants to be super-crafty, he can arrange things such that the first date happens at his place.  He doesn’t have a car!  What could be a more plausible excuse.  That’s a chance for him to showcase his home, his life, his talents, his cooking ability and anything else he wishes.  Unfair advantage #3.

Yes, it’s nice to be able to drive your girl around.  But remember — the most powerful men in the world get driven around.  They just tell the driver where to go.  You don’t have to be holding the steering wheel in order to be in the driver’s seat. Unfair advantage #4.

I could go on with this particular case, but I’d rather hear from you, my readers: what do you think is your shortcoming right now?  And how can you turn that into an unfair advantage?  I throw down the challenge that whatever it is that you think is holding you back, you can come up with the mental alchemy to make it work for you, not against you.

Hell yeah the power is within you,

Dr Alex

However, the quality of my love life was worse than it had been in any other city.  For the first two years, I just assumed I had suddenly gotten ugly and stupid.  Then I heard multitudes of other people voicing similar experiences.

Now after six years of being in this town, conducting dating seminars, answering thousands of readers’ letters and writing The Tao of Dating for Women and The Tao of Dating for Men, I’m pretty sure that Los Angeles is a particularly tough city to be single in – perhaps the toughest in the US.  Here are one man’s observations on the challenges of socializing and dating in LA:

1. According to the Singles Map, the sex ratio in LA sucks.

Anthropologists have noticed a statistic that correlates nicely with the social and sexual permissiveness of a population.  It’s called the sex ratio – the number of men for every 100 women.  In places where the sex ratio is low (i.e. excess of women over men), social mores are relaxed, women go out a lot, and everyone has a ball.  Where the sex ratio is high (i.e. excess of men), people go out less and attitudes are more conservative.  No one knows exactly why this is, but it makes sense.

This correlation tracks in large populations (e.g. whole countries like Russia) and smaller ones (e.g. cities, towns and university campuses).  According to the latest singles map from the 2006 US Census, New York has a 211,000 surplus of single women over single men, while LA has 89,000 more single men than women.  Accordingly, dating in New York City is fun, while dating in Los Angeles sucks.  This statistic alone may be the single biggest cause of the lackluster love lives of singles in LA.

2. Large distances in the world’s biggest city create a real barrier to intimacy.

Let’s say you meet someone you like — cute, fun, smart, funny.  You ask where this person lives –“Silver Lake.”  You live 20 miles away in Santa Monica — and that’s not just any 20 miles.  It’s 20 miles through one of the most car-jammed concrete jungles on the planet, with no efficient public transport to speak of.  And your helicopter’s in the shop.  Again.

20 miles is a perfectly reasonable distance to travel in the 5,000+ square miles of Los Angeles to get somewhere.  Yet, it is totally unreasonable by human terms.  It’s almost twice the length of Manhattan (13 miles) and enough distance to cross a couple of national borders in Europe.

And so the activation energy of meeting someone not nearby goes up.  Physics tells us that the higher the activation energy, the less frequent the event.  So people become less likely to meet to get to know one another casually.

Contrast this with New York City.  Even though the times required to get around in NYC are comparable, the perceived effort of taking the subway or hopping in a cab is much less than driving yourself through snarls of traffic.  Hence people there are much more willing to go places and meet up.

Which brings us to…

3. Lack of pedestrian culture reduces opportunities for casual contact.

Whenever I visit Boston, New York or London, I bump into friends – on the sidewalk, on the subway, in the parks.  This casual, unforced, unpremeditated contact is the cornerstone of building social relations.  That’s why our closest friends tend to come from work and school.

That casual contact is missing in LA, because we spend a lot of time in our wheeled steel cages.  As as in the song by Missing Persons, “Nobody walks in LA.”  And if you want to meet someone again, you have to coordinate busy schedules, make a one-on-one date and travel (see #2) – a higher-stakes proposition than bumping into someone and grabbing an apropos drink.  The higher energy required for making a date means that it happens less often.

4. Transportation challenges make even the best-intentioned people flaky.

Traffic in LA is unpredictable; as a result, even the best-intentioned people end up being late more often than they wish.

Here’s the psychology of what I think happens: once you’ve been late or missed an appointment for reasons beyond your control, your brain has to make a choice: “I’m flaky so I’m a bad person” vs. “Flakiness is okay.”  To avoid cognitive dissonance, the unconscious choice that most people make is to validate the unintended bad behavior.

Showing up late, not showing up at all and breaking promises can then become the norm.  When that happens enough times to enough people, you end up in a legendarily flaky city, and social and dating life encounter more obstacles.

5. The transience of the city’s entertainment culture adds an aura of impermanence and unreliability to social ties.

A lot of people come to LA to make it in the entertainment industry, which is a fleeting, fickle creature.  Is it too farfetched to see that fickleness permeating all the way down to the participants in that industry and their social bonds?

A peculiar energy permeates a town when so many people are trying to advance an ego-based agenda – my role, my song, my script – which may not be the most conducive energy for building meaningful, lasting relationships.  Bringing us to…

6. Dating people in the entertainment industry is fraught with unique challenges.

I’ve already written another article about dating actors, so I’ll make this brief: dating people with uncertain finances, erratic schedules and fragile egos is a challenge requiring saintlier patience than most people possess.

7. Nightlife shuts down at 1am and you have to drive your own butt home afterwards.

Last call being 2am in Los Angeles, most establishments start kicking you out at 1am.  So just when things have started to get interesting, the party shuts down.  In cities like Berlin, New York, London, Barcelona and Paris, people often start going out at 1am, and the social life is correspondingly more raucous.

Lack of public transport also means that people stay sober enough to drive back home.  As a result, the social lubricant effects of alcohol don’t operate in the same way as in a city with public transport.

Mathematically stated, less party time + less imbibing of adult beverages = less fun.  This, plus the other six aforementioned factors, may very well make LA the toughest big city in the US to be single in.

I’ve found that the best way to overcome these challenges is to carve out a smaller, more local niche of friends based on shared interests and to cultivate that group with intimate events like book clubs, mixers, dinner parties and game nights.  How have you managed to create a lively community of friends in spite of tough odds?

In 24hrs, you will have one of the best opportunities for ‘success’ with with the opposite sex, however you define that for yourself. Or at least of meeting someone new.

This is because Thursday, 31 December 2009 is New Year’s Eve. And in every country using the Gregorian calendar, it’s an occasion for serious merrymaking.

In the US, along with Halloween (Oct 31) and Valentine’s Day (Feb 14), it is one of the three best days of the year for meeting someone new.

New Year’s Eve is probably the best of the three aforementioned holidays. Why? ‘Cause everyone gets a ‘get out of jail free’ card for NYE. Engaging in borderline scandalous behavior is exactly what you’re expected to do — it’s like everyone’s in Las Vegas the whole time. And everyone is expected to be kissing someone at the stroke of midnight.

So first, the guide for the ladies:

1) Pick the guy you would like to be kissing in the next 15 seconds.

2) Look at him directly in the eye while making that ‘come hither’ gesture with your forefinger.

3) When he is in smooching range, proceed to make out with him. Unless you haven’t brushed your teeth in 5 days, he won’t protest.  Trust me on this.

Okay, we’re done for the women’s part.  Now for the boys.  Here’s what I suggest for greater luck with the ladies on this fine day:

1) Wherever you go, show up as early as possible.

This is the most important tip, so I’m going to repeat it:

SHOW UP YOUR BUTT TO THE PARTY AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE.

Why? Well, straight out of ‘The Tao of Networking’ (aka How to Work a Room): when you get there early, you get to see who walks in with whom. Now you know which of the fine ladies is unattached, which has a date for the eve. This is key information which will save you a lot of work later.

Second, when you show up early and no one’s there yet, you will also feel like you own the joint. This is what I call ‘host physiology’: when you feel like you own the place, you act like it; and when you act like it, you can meet any woman in the room at will.

The third reason is also huge. Generally, if your goal is to get in the lip-lock position with a cutie of your choice by midnight, you want to get the conversation started as early as possible so you have a few hours of get-to-know you time under your belt. That way both of you can feel less sleazy about the whole sordid episode.

Yes, it is possible to start making out with a woman within minutes (or less) of meeting her (for more info on that, check out the Metamorphosis Program). It’s also a hell of a lot easier to get there if  she knows, likes and trusts you somewhat because she got to know you somewhat. So get in early.

Fourth reason for getting in early is so you can choose the best girl for you. The choice a woman makes for whom she’s going to make out with at midnight may come down to which guy approached her first. So – be first! Don’t be all nonchalant and say, “Ahhh, I’ll get to that one later.” Big mistake! I’ve done it, and it sucks. Get to her now, before some douchebag latches on to her who’s so much less interesting than you and a far worse kisser. Yeesh.

2) Commit to just one party and plan on staying there the whole night.

This is a night when more is most definitely not better. Pick one party from the multitudes and stay there.

Strategically, you want to build a lot of rapport with a few people, so you’re best off staying at one place to optimize that. Also, you’re going to be toasted, and getting around while you’re drunk is a colossal pain in the rear (especially if any driving is involved – don’t even think of driving yourself around if you’re drinking, buddy).

And anyway, what would you rather be doing – partying or being in transit? A minute on the subway or in the car is a minute not spent in revelry.

You need revelry more than you need traffic. Go be stuck in traffic next week on the way back to work, you glutton for punishment you.

3) Go to a small house party with a few friends instead of some monster mega jam with lots of random strangers.

New Year’s Eve is a great time to get together with your buds.  This is when memories are made, and whatever mischief you’re going to engage in, it will be more fun together. Also, the feelings of camarederie you’ll have from being with your friends will make you more effective with the ladies.

So pick a smaller venue like a house party where it’s not completely bonkers anonymous random people. The higher sense of rapport lends itself to better stories later and a more pleasant experience as it’s happening.

Also, the monster mega jams, in spite of the promise of having more people in them, aren’t usually all that good for meeting people. People tend to behave more like strangers towards one another when there are too many people. Once again, more is not better. Go for small.

4) Ask the magic question early and often.

Assuming your goal is to be making out with some hottie by or before midnight, and knowing that you can say pretty much whatever you want on this night and get away with it, you need to use the Magic Question a lot.

(Actually, the original Magic Question is “What’s important to you about that?,” straight out of the inimitable Tao of Dating for Men. For this New Year’s Eve performance, we have a substitute magic question standing in for the original one. The rest of the cast is unchanged.  Enjoy the performance.)

And the Magic Question, NYE edition, is:

“Would you like to kiss me? ‘Cause it is New Year’s Eve, y’know.”

The addition of the ‘because’ clause tends to increase compliance by a good 70% or so, as we discussed in The Tao of Persuasion course, so make sure you have it in there. My suspicion is that some of you will have crazy stories to tell me with this one. If so, I want to hear them. Lurid details appreciated.

5) Drink moderately.

Okay, so you may be thinking I’m putting on my doctor hat here, finger-wagging and all about the eeeevils of alcohol. Umm, well, sorta. It is always a good idea not to drink yourself to oblivion. On this particular night, it’s extra-special important though.

Why?  Because, silly — that’s why:

a) Your handsome charming self functions better that way and is more likely to make points with the ladies than your drunken buffoon self.

b) Should you get really lucky, the machinery will work better and you’ll feel more of the pleasure you were so eager to get to and

c) There will be lots of drunken wastoids in the arena, and in the interest of self-preservation from all the lunging, lurching biomass, it’s best that you had your wits about you, brother.

That’s it.

Go get ‘em, tiger

AB

Hi Dr. Alex,

I’m depressed, bummed (child of 70s) and I need help.  At least I hope you read this…

Some background: I’m from Nashville, an only child, and looking back I realize I did have a charmed background. I’m not rich but my parents gave me what I wanted.

Honestly, I knew I was drop dead gorgeous. And I thought it would last forever.  Now, I’m over 50 – 56, actually. It sounds old to even write it. I’m in Tennessee, did I mention that? Key point — people in the South get married after high school. I’m still attractive but with wrinkles, etc!

So, I’ve been on the dating sites – and I have to admit most men over 50 are old in their heads.  They don’t do this or that, just because – so they tell me. Absurd to me, so I tend to be attracted to anyone that doesn’t look old and act old.

But, bottom line is it doesn’t matter what I’m attracted to ’cause I think all men see is that number, and it is over 50. It’s like you’re 49 and 23 hours and one hour later, making 356th day, you hit 50 and the world has stopped and you’re ready for the grave. It’s crazy the way the US thinks of 50 plus, and it’s a fact I’m not dealing with well. Somewhere on this planet there must be someone, some age, within reason, that still is young at heart and acts that way, too. Plus, it helps if they have good genes and haven’t gotten a pot stomach like so many down here (think Budweiser). Gross.

I’ve read that in Europe older, over-35 women are admired and cherished – not here.  Someone somewhere has got to get past the number and see me. It would take a long time to try and explain how I got here, single, and I’ve spent the last 2 years coming to grips with it and getting past the anger, though every once in a while that still creeps in, big time.

So, that might have been something someone “heard” – but not now.  Just the 56. You say we are supposed to be happy, and blah blah, I know what everyone thinks, but reality is I’m really not.  So, I’m wiritng with it all out there.  I probably should be sending you 100.00 just for answering this email, if you have time.  This is a huge imposition on my part so perhaps too, an apology is in order, for your time.  At any rate, what I’ve seen and read from you strikes home more so than anyone else out there.

Best,
Sherilyn

Thanks for the letter, Sherilyn! In general, the short ones with a specific question tend to get a quicker answer. In fact the German word for letter is Brief, hint hint :)

You didn’t really have a specific question, so I’m just going to bring some things to your attention here.

Now that it’s been over a week, re-read the letter you sent me. Notice that the darkness in it is pretty unrelenting. I’m detecting contempt for where you live and its people, contempt for their values, contempt for yourself and your age, for potbellies, for non-European attitudes, how you’re an imposition on my time, etc etc.

We need to stop that immediately. It’s okay to go a little dark every once in a while. And going 100% Pollyanna isn’t the solution either. However, indulging in the darkness and wallowing in self-pity indefinitely is a Very Bad Idea.

This letter isn’t just an apology for being old and wrinkly, as you put it — it’s sounds more like an apology for living. We tend to get more of what we focus on, and we’re responsible for creating our own world, mostly according to our beliefs. So if you’re convinced that you’re undeserving and unappealing, then that’s the most likely outcome.

Now, let’s get down to the facts: attractiveness is the name human males give for the outward signs of fertility in a woman. Naked mole rats don’t think Heidi Klum is attractive; evolution has rigged things such that human brains find certain proxies for fertility — eg clear taut skin, youth — appealing. When the woman is no longer fertile, those proxies go away. Things wrinkle, sag, widen, rearrange in inconvenient ways.

At the same time, the deterioration of those surface proxies for fertility have nothing to do with the development of your soul. In fact, the more time you have on this earth, the more opportunity you have to grow through meditation, devotion and open-hearted service. Many women attain a glow and beauty in their older age that they couldn’t possibly possess in their 20s and 30s, when they were at the height of their physical beauty.

Here’s what I suspect is going on in this particular case: the only stuff that can come out of someone is what’s already in there. So if you’ve got a torrent of contempt coming out of you, it’s because it’s always been there. It was masked until now, since things had gone reasonably well.  Now that the youth and beauty have diminished, it’s manifesting as anger.

My observation is that many gifted people — ‘drop dead gorgeous’ people amongst them — tend to have an underlying contempt for those who aren’t nearly as gifted as themselves. They use their accidental gift as an excuse to beat people down. Because of their appearance (or smarts, or athletic prowess), they always have attention so don’t realize that they have a problem. Moreover, they’re always getting positive reinforcement for whatever they’re doing, so they’re under the illusion that they have a working strategy.

This works for a few decades, during which they’re unconsciously cultivating contempt and ego-based strategies for relating to people. There’s also an opportunity cost here: they have put less time and energy into developing themselves as conscious human beings. Open-heartedness, selfless service, joy, elevating others – these are skills that are cultivated over time.  You don’t practice them, you don’t get better at them.

What happens is that one day, some of these pretty people wake up and realize, “Holy cow. I’m not pretty anymore, and I’m lonely, and I have no idea what to do to fix that.” Because they haven’t developed the skills for heart-based connection for the past 20-30 years, they have no idea what to do. They become bitter and angry at the world that seems to have taken away their power for good.

Some resort to plastic surgery, dieting or other ineffective surface measures to get their power back. They don’t realize that no matter how much they change the wrapping paper, the gift contents won’t change. These people can remain unfulfilled for a long time.

Unless they wake up in time.  Then they realize that they have a choice: at any moment of any day, they have the power to make people around them feel fantastic. A word of appreciation, a helping hand, a devoted glance — that’s often all it takes to raise someone from ho-hum or beaten down to fantastic.

Don’t be mistaken — this is real power.  My definition of real power is ‘power that cannot be taken away from you.’  Status, phyiscal beauty, riches — those can be taken away in a moment.  Spiritual beauty, on the other hand, is yours to keep, and yours to share forever.

So go ahead and dare to be the light.  Make men (and women) around you feel fantastic.  When you do that, you will start to glow.  And the good men will have no choice but to notice.

I also want to examine briefly a couple of other popular issues Sherilyn brings up.

So, I’ve been on the dating sites – and I have to admit most men over 50 are old in their heads.

This is classic poverty-consciousness.  Other versions of this: Men in their 20s are immature.  Men in their 30s are too career-minded or just want to play.  All the good ones are taken.

Poverty-consciousness, or the scarcity mindset, is the polar opposite of practicing abundance, which is the most important of the 5 themes of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible.

For every 50yr old man who feels old, there’s another one running for Congress and climbing Mt Everest.  Your job, Sherilyn, is to work on yourself and be the most radiant, open-hearted version of yourself so when Mr Right comes along, he notices you’re ready.  If the sign outside says ‘Closed’, people ain’t gonna knock, so make sure the sign says ‘Open!’.

Besdies, radiance and open-heartedness are their own reward.  It just feels better that way.

But, bottom line is it doesn’t matter what I’m attracted to ’cause I think all men see is that number, and it is over 50.

Let me ask you: does thinking this way make you feel young or old?  Which do you prefer?  Go with the story that makes you feel better.  You beliefs determine your experience.

Plus, it helps if they have good genes and haven’t gotten a pot stomach like so many down here (think Budweiser). Gross.

So let’s say a young-at-heart, handome, super-successful man comes long who abolutely adores you and gets along with you famously — but he has a pot belly.  Would you say ‘gross’ and walk away?

Ladies — make sure the criteria you have for selecting a companion serve your long-term fulfillment, not the other way around.  You may be shocked and amazed that 30% of married women report not even liking their future husband when they first met, let alone finding him attractive.

As a woman,  you have the unique gift of reconfiguring your brain to make a guy who makes you feel good look good (guys aren’t quite so versatile).  This is straight out of The Tao of Dating for Women, Ch. 5, ‘Understanding Men, Understanding Yourself’, p. 88.  If for some utterly unfathomable reason you haven’t read the book yet, it’s time to get yourself a Christmas present.

Be the light,

Dr Alex

Lisa-
Great story!  Now, this is the question you have to ask yourself: “Is this sustainable for another 6mos?  Another year?  Another 5 years? Is this how I want to feel and how i want to be treated?”

If the answer is yes, then carry on.  If not, then that means you have to break up eventually, and sooner may be better than later.  You can do it deliberately with a clear head, or you can wait for nasty circumstances to do it for you (another incriminating text, finding him in bed with someone).  I vote for the former option.

Remember that fulfillment is a feeling, not a person.  Suspicion and mistrust, which is a lot of what you’re experiencing, don’t sound like fulfillment to me.

As for saying that you ‘love’ him: that may be true, but you have a duty to yourself and to the world to love yourself first.  Being with someone who doesn’t value you and isn’t a catalyst for your flourishing into the best possible version of you, is not being loving to yourself.  That always comes first — I don’t want to hear any of this Whitney Houston martyr complex nonsense.

Two other things:

You already know what he said to his friend is not ‘just guy talk.’  If you’re with a man who’s reasonably charming and experienced with women, unless he has stated explicitly that you are exclusive together, you should assume you are not.  With the pre-existing trust issues you’re talking about, it’s a safe assumption that he’s pursuing other options.  It may not be what you want to hear, but it is the way things are.

And you should not be messing around with his phone.  I would consider that a massive violation of privacy, and he probably does, too.  That one’s on you.  However, if things were going well, you wouldn’t be snooping around anyway, so it’s a symptom of a much bigger trust issue.

Fulfillment is a feeling, not a person is one of the big themes of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible.  If you want to find the fulfillment that you truly deserve, you need to read the book already.

But when a guy writes a dating book for women, the questions are more like, “What possessed you to do that? And what on earth qualifies you, a mere dude, to write for women anyway?” Yeah, yeah, yeah. This video addresses those questions.

If you like it, please share it with friends (via Facebook, Twitter etc) and be sure to rate and comment on it! Feel free to embed it on your own site, and if you’d like to get advance notification of the videos before everyone else, click on the ‘Subscribe’ button on the YouTube channel.

But what if that just doesn’t suit someone?  What if there’s a woman out there who frankly wants to be resistible?  Well, that’s what this video’s about. At the end of the video, I offer some suggestions for how to be irresistible — y’know, just in case.

I know this one’s going to arouse some controversy, so please — let me know what you think.  Rate it, comment on it, share it via Facebook, and feel free to embed it on your own site if you’ve got one. Here’s the link for sharing purposes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xa8i2PSB0EY