Hello Dr. Alex;

I recently purchased your book, “The Tao of Dating for Men”, and read through the entire book in two days (could not put it down).  I am going back now to read it in more depth and do the exercises.

First, I wanted to compliment you on “The Tao of Dating for Men” which I just completed. This superb piece of work is not simply a gimmicky how-to-get-laid-quick guide, but a collection of great insights based on psychology, biology, historical accounts, and sociology.

Second, I was hoping to get your feedback on an issue which complicates my ability to employ some of your strategies.  Putting aside all the mistakes I have admittedly made, based on the book, I am more so handicapped by a physical disability which has rendered me legally, but not clinically blind.  I do not drive, but moved from a big city to the suburbs because my wife could drive, got divorced and am stuck with no car.  Daily living is handled by buses, taxis, friends and family.  Dating is a different story – and I find this issue invariably kills me on the first date when I am asked where my car is, and then tell them I took a taxi and then have to admit I don’t drive after the interrogation.

How do I remain in control (‘the buyer’) while being put at such a disadvantage?  Even if things were to progress to a second date (assuming I correctly employ your techniques, and get past the driving issue on the first date), how do I not assume a more passive position to these women if I can’t drive them around? If I am not the one in control, how will I ever succeed in the dating world?

I appreciate any insights you would be willing to offer.

Thank You.

Justin F., Rochester, NY

Glad you wrote in, Justin, and thanks for the kind words. “Superb piece of work”, “a soul-lifting book of staggering genius” and “the greatest book, like, ever” are exactly the kind of understated praise I can respect.  Keep ‘em coming.

Now this one’s a pretty common challenge that comes up.  Actually, it’s the most common one that my readers ask me about: “I have a handicap that cannot be overcome.”  Heck, come to think of it, it may be the only one. 

Here’s a sample list of these perceived handicaps: I’m too young, too old, too short, too tall, too rich, too poor, too inexperienced, too experienced, can’t walk, walk too fast, my town’s too small, my town’s too big, I’m ugly and my momma dresses me funny, etc etc.

And of course, everyone thinks his or her handicap is unique.  “Nobody has it as hard as me!  My life sucks the most!”

I’ve heard a lot of these stories.  The truth is that whatever situation you’re in could be blown up into an insurmountable problem should you choose to do so. Or it could be turned into an asset should you choose to do so.

Which one do you choose?

Sometimes, they’re young, seriously beautiful, well-off women who come to me and say they’re totally handicapped.  I love those cases, because all I do is help them rearrange some of their mental furniture and then — kapow! — everything’s fantastic.  It’s like I polish the top of the Empire State Building, and then get to take credit for the whole edifice. “Yup, that’s my work over there.”  Eeexcellent, Smithers.

Now I don’t mean to make light of anyone’s challenge here.  Being legally blind is definitely real.  And not being able to drive a car as an able-bodied man may seem like a real blow to the ego.

That part of it you cannot choose, Justin.  What you can choose is your reaction to it.

It reminds me of a friend of mine who has a congenital genetic defect that makes his bones very brittle (it’s called osteogenesis imperfecta, for all the science wonks out there, which is just Latin for ‘faulty bone growth’, as if we didn’t already know that).  He’s 3 feet tall and will be wheelchair-bound for the rest of his existence.  His name is Sean Stephenson.

He’s also a motivational speaker and author.  One of his favorite stories to tell is about one Halloween, when he was raring to go out and join all the other kids (on the one night that he could seem ‘normal’) when he whacks his leg against the door and snaps his femur.

At this moment, his mother comes to him, holds him in her arms and says, “Now calm down, honey.  And I want you to really think about this: you now have a choice to make this a blessing or a curse. Which one is it going to be?”

This is a pivotal moment, because whatever decision he makes is going to be the one that he keeps for life.  It’s not like his bone disease is going to go away.  So he has to either be a victim about it, or a victor. Now and forever.

Here’s the idea: you make something a problem to the extent that you focus your attention on it and let it be a problem.  Whatever you focus your attention upon tends to expand in your life.  Energy flows where attention goes.

So the first step is to re-focus your attention.  If you think that your inability to drive is a debilitating, deal-breaking issue, your date is likely to believe you.  There will probably be no second date.  Ever.

If you take it in stride and instead focus on her story of growing up in rural Wyoming, or how she gets two cute dimples when she smiles, or the uplifiting beauty of John Keats’ poems, then she’ll be charmed and delighted and want to come back for more.

So whoever’s reading out there: figure out what your strengths are and focus on those instead.  When you focus on that strength, people will gravitate to you because of that.

And then something very strange happens.

It’s not just that people will stop holding your imperfections against you.  It’s not just that they’ll overlook it.  No, it’s much stranger than that.

They will come to love you because of your imperfections.

If you don’t believe me, let’s just do a quick little thought experiment here.  Do you have a favorite pet?  Or stuffed animal?  Or blanket?  Or ex?  Does that particular object of affection have a defect — like a mangled ear, a threadbare patch, or a personality quirk?  And does that make the object more endearing or less so?

Interesting, huh.  It’s like the defect makes it custom-made for you– adds a little crag for affection to nest on.

People will start liking you because of your strengths.  That includes being fully accepting of who you are.  Then, they will come to love you because of your defects.

Now a debilitating bone disease is a serious and real handicap.  However, Sean has chosen to have a successful career as a motivational speaker and author in spite of it.  Or is it because of it?  He’s mining his own experiences with that so-called handicap to inspire and help others.  And, incidentally, he does fine with the ladies.

Re-arranging your mental furniture so you can see the blessing in disguise is called re-framing.  It’s one of the most mature adaptations to life’s challenges, and one of the most versatile.

It’s the second step after you choose to refocus your attention. Now you have the opportunity to change the mental dross into gold — real alchemy.  “How can I change this perceived shortcoming into an unfair advantage?”  Or, as my teacher Satyen Raja likes to put it, “How do I make art out of this?”

If you think Sean’s story’s impressive, let me present to you the story of Matthias Buchinger, ‘The Little Man of Nuremberg.’  This guy is one of my all-time heroes.  According to the site TheHumanMarvels.com:

…Buchinger was born in Anspach, Germany in 1674 and was one of the most well known performers of his day. He played over a dozen musical instruments, danced the hornpipe, and was an expert calligrapher, magician, and bowler, built magnificent ships in bottles, and stunning marksman with a pistol. All of those accomplishments are even more impressive when you realize that he had no arms or legs and stood only 28 inches high.

Self-portrait of Matthias Buchinger

And the Wikipedia entry on Matthias Buchinger reads:

Buchinger was married four times and had at least fourteen children (by eight different women). He is also rumored to have children by as many as seventy mistresses.

Well then.  So much for lack of transportation being an impediment to getting around.

So let’s take Justin’s particular case.  How can we rearrange his focus and make this an unfair advantage?  Because that’s how other guys feel when Sean is in the room: he’s in a wheelchair, which means that he automatically gets all the attention.  An unfair advantage.

Well, it turns out that one of the advanced techniques for setting up a date is to have a woman meet you at your place before you go out.  And an even more advanced technique is to have her pick you up. I’m not going to go into the psychological reasons why this is effective — for argument’s sake, let’s just say it is.

Well, guess what — Justin is in a perfect position to ask that from his date, right out the gate: “Well, if you really, really want to hang out with me, you’re going to have to pick me up. If you do, I promise I won’t hold it against you that you’re enlarging your carbon footprint and contributing to global warming and probably making New York go underwater in 5 years.”  Unfair advantage #1.

And she also has to drop you off back home at the end of the date.  Unfair advantage #2 (and a very big one).

Of course, if he wants to be super-crafty, he can arrange things such that the first date happens at his place.  He doesn’t have a car!  What could be a more plausible excuse.  That’s a chance for him to showcase his home, his life, his talents, his cooking ability and anything else he wishes.  Unfair advantage #3.

Yes, it’s nice to be able to drive your girl around.  But remember — the most powerful men in the world get driven around.  They just tell the driver where to go.  You don’t have to be holding the steering wheel in order to be in the driver’s seat. Unfair advantage #4.

I could go on with this particular case, but I’d rather hear from you, my readers: what do you think is your shortcoming right now?  And how can you turn that into an unfair advantage?  I throw down the challenge that whatever it is that you think is holding you back, you can come up with the mental alchemy to make it work for you, not against you.

Hell yeah the power is within you,

Dr Alex

However, the quality of my love life was worse than it had been in any other city.  For the first two years, I just assumed I had suddenly gotten ugly and stupid.  Then I heard multitudes of other people voicing similar experiences.

Now after six years of being in this town, conducting dating seminars, answering thousands of readers’ letters and writing The Tao of Dating for Women and The Tao of Dating for Men, I’m pretty sure that Los Angeles is a particularly tough city to be single in – perhaps the toughest in the US.  Here are one man’s observations on the challenges of socializing and dating in LA:

1. According to the Singles Map, the sex ratio in LA sucks.

Anthropologists have noticed a statistic that correlates nicely with the social and sexual permissiveness of a population.  It’s called the sex ratio – the number of men for every 100 women.  In places where the sex ratio is low (i.e. excess of women over men), social mores are relaxed, women go out a lot, and everyone has a ball.  Where the sex ratio is high (i.e. excess of men), people go out less and attitudes are more conservative.  No one knows exactly why this is, but it makes sense.

This correlation tracks in large populations (e.g. whole countries like Russia) and smaller ones (e.g. cities, towns and university campuses).  According to the latest singles map from the 2006 US Census, New York has a 211,000 surplus of single women over single men, while LA has 89,000 more single men than women.  Accordingly, dating in New York City is fun, while dating in Los Angeles sucks.  This statistic alone may be the single biggest cause of the lackluster love lives of singles in LA.

2. Large distances in the world’s biggest city create a real barrier to intimacy.

Let’s say you meet someone you like — cute, fun, smart, funny.  You ask where this person lives –“Silver Lake.”  You live 20 miles away in Santa Monica — and that’s not just any 20 miles.  It’s 20 miles through one of the most car-jammed concrete jungles on the planet, with no efficient public transport to speak of.  And your helicopter’s in the shop.  Again.

20 miles is a perfectly reasonable distance to travel in the 5,000+ square miles of Los Angeles to get somewhere.  Yet, it is totally unreasonable by human terms.  It’s almost twice the length of Manhattan (13 miles) and enough distance to cross a couple of national borders in Europe.

And so the activation energy of meeting someone not nearby goes up.  Physics tells us that the higher the activation energy, the less frequent the event.  So people become less likely to meet to get to know one another casually.

Contrast this with New York City.  Even though the times required to get around in NYC are comparable, the perceived effort of taking the subway or hopping in a cab is much less than driving yourself through snarls of traffic.  Hence people there are much more willing to go places and meet up.

Which brings us to…

3. Lack of pedestrian culture reduces opportunities for casual contact.

Whenever I visit Boston, New York or London, I bump into friends – on the sidewalk, on the subway, in the parks.  This casual, unforced, unpremeditated contact is the cornerstone of building social relations.  That’s why our closest friends tend to come from work and school.

That casual contact is missing in LA, because we spend a lot of time in our wheeled steel cages.  As as in the song by Missing Persons, “Nobody walks in LA.”  And if you want to meet someone again, you have to coordinate busy schedules, make a one-on-one date and travel (see #2) – a higher-stakes proposition than bumping into someone and grabbing an apropos drink.  The higher energy required for making a date means that it happens less often.

4. Transportation challenges make even the best-intentioned people flaky.

Traffic in LA is unpredictable; as a result, even the best-intentioned people end up being late more often than they wish.

Here’s the psychology of what I think happens: once you’ve been late or missed an appointment for reasons beyond your control, your brain has to make a choice: “I’m flaky so I’m a bad person” vs. “Flakiness is okay.”  To avoid cognitive dissonance, the unconscious choice that most people make is to validate the unintended bad behavior.

Showing up late, not showing up at all and breaking promises can then become the norm.  When that happens enough times to enough people, you end up in a legendarily flaky city, and social and dating life encounter more obstacles.

5. The transience of the city’s entertainment culture adds an aura of impermanence and unreliability to social ties.

A lot of people come to LA to make it in the entertainment industry, which is a fleeting, fickle creature.  Is it too farfetched to see that fickleness permeating all the way down to the participants in that industry and their social bonds?

A peculiar energy permeates a town when so many people are trying to advance an ego-based agenda – my role, my song, my script – which may not be the most conducive energy for building meaningful, lasting relationships.  Bringing us to…

6. Dating people in the entertainment industry is fraught with unique challenges.

I’ve already written another article about dating actors, so I’ll make this brief: dating people with uncertain finances, erratic schedules and fragile egos is a challenge requiring saintlier patience than most people possess.

7. Nightlife shuts down at 1am and you have to drive your own butt home afterwards.

Last call being 2am in Los Angeles, most establishments start kicking you out at 1am.  So just when things have started to get interesting, the party shuts down.  In cities like Berlin, New York, London, Barcelona and Paris, people often start going out at 1am, and the social life is correspondingly more raucous.

Lack of public transport also means that people stay sober enough to drive back home.  As a result, the social lubricant effects of alcohol don’t operate in the same way as in a city with public transport.

Mathematically stated, less party time + less imbibing of adult beverages = less fun.  This, plus the other six aforementioned factors, may very well make LA the toughest big city in the US to be single in.

I’ve found that the best way to overcome these challenges is to carve out a smaller, more local niche of friends based on shared interests and to cultivate that group with intimate events like book clubs, mixers, dinner parties and game nights.  How have you managed to create a lively community of friends in spite of tough odds?

In 24hrs, you will have one of the best opportunities for ‘success’ with with the opposite sex, however you define that for yourself. Or at least of meeting someone new.

This is because Thursday, 31 December 2009 is New Year’s Eve. And in every country using the Gregorian calendar, it’s an occasion for serious merrymaking.

In the US, along with Halloween (Oct 31) and Valentine’s Day (Feb 14), it is one of the three best days of the year for meeting someone new.

New Year’s Eve is probably the best of the three aforementioned holidays. Why? ‘Cause everyone gets a ‘get out of jail free’ card for NYE. Engaging in borderline scandalous behavior is exactly what you’re expected to do — it’s like everyone’s in Las Vegas the whole time. And everyone is expected to be kissing someone at the stroke of midnight.

So first, the guide for the ladies:

1) Pick the guy you would like to be kissing in the next 15 seconds.

2) Look at him directly in the eye while making that ‘come hither’ gesture with your forefinger.

3) When he is in smooching range, proceed to make out with him. Unless you haven’t brushed your teeth in 5 days, he won’t protest.  Trust me on this.

Okay, we’re done for the women’s part.  Now for the boys.  Here’s what I suggest for greater luck with the ladies on this fine day:

1) Wherever you go, show up as early as possible.

This is the most important tip, so I’m going to repeat it:

SHOW UP YOUR BUTT TO THE PARTY AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE.

Why? Well, straight out of ‘The Tao of Networking’ (aka How to Work a Room): when you get there early, you get to see who walks in with whom. Now you know which of the fine ladies is unattached, which has a date for the eve. This is key information which will save you a lot of work later.

Second, when you show up early and no one’s there yet, you will also feel like you own the joint. This is what I call ‘host physiology’: when you feel like you own the place, you act like it; and when you act like it, you can meet any woman in the room at will.

The third reason is also huge. Generally, if your goal is to get in the lip-lock position with a cutie of your choice by midnight, you want to get the conversation started as early as possible so you have a few hours of get-to-know you time under your belt. That way both of you can feel less sleazy about the whole sordid episode.

Yes, it is possible to start making out with a woman within minutes (or less) of meeting her (for more info on that, check out the Metamorphosis Program). It’s also a hell of a lot easier to get there if  she knows, likes and trusts you somewhat because she got to know you somewhat. So get in early.

Fourth reason for getting in early is so you can choose the best girl for you. The choice a woman makes for whom she’s going to make out with at midnight may come down to which guy approached her first. So – be first! Don’t be all nonchalant and say, “Ahhh, I’ll get to that one later.” Big mistake! I’ve done it, and it sucks. Get to her now, before some douchebag latches on to her who’s so much less interesting than you and a far worse kisser. Yeesh.

2) Commit to just one party and plan on staying there the whole night.

This is a night when more is most definitely not better. Pick one party from the multitudes and stay there.

Strategically, you want to build a lot of rapport with a few people, so you’re best off staying at one place to optimize that. Also, you’re going to be toasted, and getting around while you’re drunk is a colossal pain in the rear (especially if any driving is involved – don’t even think of driving yourself around if you’re drinking, buddy).

And anyway, what would you rather be doing – partying or being in transit? A minute on the subway or in the car is a minute not spent in revelry.

You need revelry more than you need traffic. Go be stuck in traffic next week on the way back to work, you glutton for punishment you.

3) Go to a small house party with a few friends instead of some monster mega jam with lots of random strangers.

New Year’s Eve is a great time to get together with your buds.  This is when memories are made, and whatever mischief you’re going to engage in, it will be more fun together. Also, the feelings of camarederie you’ll have from being with your friends will make you more effective with the ladies.

So pick a smaller venue like a house party where it’s not completely bonkers anonymous random people. The higher sense of rapport lends itself to better stories later and a more pleasant experience as it’s happening.

Also, the monster mega jams, in spite of the promise of having more people in them, aren’t usually all that good for meeting people. People tend to behave more like strangers towards one another when there are too many people. Once again, more is not better. Go for small.

4) Ask the magic question early and often.

Assuming your goal is to be making out with some hottie by or before midnight, and knowing that you can say pretty much whatever you want on this night and get away with it, you need to use the Magic Question a lot.

(Actually, the original Magic Question is “What’s important to you about that?,” straight out of the inimitable Tao of Dating for Men. For this New Year’s Eve performance, we have a substitute magic question standing in for the original one. The rest of the cast is unchanged.  Enjoy the performance.)

And the Magic Question, NYE edition, is:

“Would you like to kiss me? ‘Cause it is New Year’s Eve, y’know.”

The addition of the ‘because’ clause tends to increase compliance by a good 70% or so, as we discussed in The Tao of Persuasion course, so make sure you have it in there. My suspicion is that some of you will have crazy stories to tell me with this one. If so, I want to hear them. Lurid details appreciated.

5) Drink moderately.

Okay, so you may be thinking I’m putting on my doctor hat here, finger-wagging and all about the eeeevils of alcohol. Umm, well, sorta. It is always a good idea not to drink yourself to oblivion. On this particular night, it’s extra-special important though.

Why?  Because, silly — that’s why:

a) Your handsome charming self functions better that way and is more likely to make points with the ladies than your drunken buffoon self.

b) Should you get really lucky, the machinery will work better and you’ll feel more of the pleasure you were so eager to get to and

c) There will be lots of drunken wastoids in the arena, and in the interest of self-preservation from all the lunging, lurching biomass, it’s best that you had your wits about you, brother.

That’s it.

Go get ‘em, tiger

AB

Hi Dr. Alex,

I’m depressed, bummed (child of 70s) and I need help.  At least I hope you read this…

Some background: I’m from Nashville, an only child, and looking back I realize I did have a charmed background. I’m not rich but my parents gave me what I wanted.

Honestly, I knew I was drop dead gorgeous. And I thought it would last forever.  Now, I’m over 50 – 56, actually. It sounds old to even write it. I’m in Tennessee, did I mention that? Key point — people in the South get married after high school. I’m still attractive but with wrinkles, etc!

So, I’ve been on the dating sites – and I have to admit most men over 50 are old in their heads.  They don’t do this or that, just because – so they tell me. Absurd to me, so I tend to be attracted to anyone that doesn’t look old and act old.

But, bottom line is it doesn’t matter what I’m attracted to ’cause I think all men see is that number, and it is over 50. It’s like you’re 49 and 23 hours and one hour later, making 356th day, you hit 50 and the world has stopped and you’re ready for the grave. It’s crazy the way the US thinks of 50 plus, and it’s a fact I’m not dealing with well. Somewhere on this planet there must be someone, some age, within reason, that still is young at heart and acts that way, too. Plus, it helps if they have good genes and haven’t gotten a pot stomach like so many down here (think Budweiser). Gross.

I’ve read that in Europe older, over-35 women are admired and cherished – not here.  Someone somewhere has got to get past the number and see me. It would take a long time to try and explain how I got here, single, and I’ve spent the last 2 years coming to grips with it and getting past the anger, though every once in a while that still creeps in, big time.

So, that might have been something someone “heard” – but not now.  Just the 56. You say we are supposed to be happy, and blah blah, I know what everyone thinks, but reality is I’m really not.  So, I’m wiritng with it all out there.  I probably should be sending you 100.00 just for answering this email, if you have time.  This is a huge imposition on my part so perhaps too, an apology is in order, for your time.  At any rate, what I’ve seen and read from you strikes home more so than anyone else out there.

Best,
Sherilyn

Thanks for the letter, Sherilyn! In general, the short ones with a specific question tend to get a quicker answer. In fact the German word for letter is Brief, hint hint :)

You didn’t really have a specific question, so I’m just going to bring some things to your attention here.

Now that it’s been over a week, re-read the letter you sent me. Notice that the darkness in it is pretty unrelenting. I’m detecting contempt for where you live and its people, contempt for their values, contempt for yourself and your age, for potbellies, for non-European attitudes, how you’re an imposition on my time, etc etc.

We need to stop that immediately. It’s okay to go a little dark every once in a while. And going 100% Pollyanna isn’t the solution either. However, indulging in the darkness and wallowing in self-pity indefinitely is a Very Bad Idea.

This letter isn’t just an apology for being old and wrinkly, as you put it — it’s sounds more like an apology for living. We tend to get more of what we focus on, and we’re responsible for creating our own world, mostly according to our beliefs. So if you’re convinced that you’re undeserving and unappealing, then that’s the most likely outcome.

Now, let’s get down to the facts: attractiveness is the name human males give for the outward signs of fertility in a woman. Naked mole rats don’t think Heidi Klum is attractive; evolution has rigged things such that human brains find certain proxies for fertility — eg clear taut skin, youth — appealing. When the woman is no longer fertile, those proxies go away. Things wrinkle, sag, widen, rearrange in inconvenient ways.

At the same time, the deterioration of those surface proxies for fertility have nothing to do with the development of your soul. In fact, the more time you have on this earth, the more opportunity you have to grow through meditation, devotion and open-hearted service. Many women attain a glow and beauty in their older age that they couldn’t possibly possess in their 20s and 30s, when they were at the height of their physical beauty.

Here’s what I suspect is going on in this particular case: the only stuff that can come out of someone is what’s already in there. So if you’ve got a torrent of contempt coming out of you, it’s because it’s always been there. It was masked until now, since things had gone reasonably well.  Now that the youth and beauty have diminished, it’s manifesting as anger.

My observation is that many gifted people — ‘drop dead gorgeous’ people amongst them — tend to have an underlying contempt for those who aren’t nearly as gifted as themselves. They use their accidental gift as an excuse to beat people down. Because of their appearance (or smarts, or athletic prowess), they always have attention so don’t realize that they have a problem. Moreover, they’re always getting positive reinforcement for whatever they’re doing, so they’re under the illusion that they have a working strategy.

This works for a few decades, during which they’re unconsciously cultivating contempt and ego-based strategies for relating to people. There’s also an opportunity cost here: they have put less time and energy into developing themselves as conscious human beings. Open-heartedness, selfless service, joy, elevating others – these are skills that are cultivated over time.  You don’t practice them, you don’t get better at them.

What happens is that one day, some of these pretty people wake up and realize, “Holy cow. I’m not pretty anymore, and I’m lonely, and I have no idea what to do to fix that.” Because they haven’t developed the skills for heart-based connection for the past 20-30 years, they have no idea what to do. They become bitter and angry at the world that seems to have taken away their power for good.

Some resort to plastic surgery, dieting or other ineffective surface measures to get their power back. They don’t realize that no matter how much they change the wrapping paper, the gift contents won’t change. These people can remain unfulfilled for a long time.

Unless they wake up in time.  Then they realize that they have a choice: at any moment of any day, they have the power to make people around them feel fantastic. A word of appreciation, a helping hand, a devoted glance — that’s often all it takes to raise someone from ho-hum or beaten down to fantastic.

Don’t be mistaken — this is real power.  My definition of real power is ‘power that cannot be taken away from you.’  Status, phyiscal beauty, riches — those can be taken away in a moment.  Spiritual beauty, on the other hand, is yours to keep, and yours to share forever.

So go ahead and dare to be the light.  Make men (and women) around you feel fantastic.  When you do that, you will start to glow.  And the good men will have no choice but to notice.

I also want to examine briefly a couple of other popular issues Sherilyn brings up.

So, I’ve been on the dating sites – and I have to admit most men over 50 are old in their heads.

This is classic poverty-consciousness.  Other versions of this: Men in their 20s are immature.  Men in their 30s are too career-minded or just want to play.  All the good ones are taken.

Poverty-consciousness, or the scarcity mindset, is the polar opposite of practicing abundance, which is the most important of the 5 themes of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible.

For every 50yr old man who feels old, there’s another one running for Congress and climbing Mt Everest.  Your job, Sherilyn, is to work on yourself and be the most radiant, open-hearted version of yourself so when Mr Right comes along, he notices you’re ready.  If the sign outside says ‘Closed’, people ain’t gonna knock, so make sure the sign says ‘Open!’.

Besdies, radiance and open-heartedness are their own reward.  It just feels better that way.

But, bottom line is it doesn’t matter what I’m attracted to ’cause I think all men see is that number, and it is over 50.

Let me ask you: does thinking this way make you feel young or old?  Which do you prefer?  Go with the story that makes you feel better.  You beliefs determine your experience.

Plus, it helps if they have good genes and haven’t gotten a pot stomach like so many down here (think Budweiser). Gross.

So let’s say a young-at-heart, handome, super-successful man comes long who abolutely adores you and gets along with you famously — but he has a pot belly.  Would you say ‘gross’ and walk away?

Ladies — make sure the criteria you have for selecting a companion serve your long-term fulfillment, not the other way around.  You may be shocked and amazed that 30% of married women report not even liking their future husband when they first met, let alone finding him attractive.

As a woman,  you have the unique gift of reconfiguring your brain to make a guy who makes you feel good look good (guys aren’t quite so versatile).  This is straight out of The Tao of Dating for Women, Ch. 5, ‘Understanding Men, Understanding Yourself’, p. 88.  If for some utterly unfathomable reason you haven’t read the book yet, it’s time to get yourself a Christmas present.

Be the light,

Dr Alex

Lisa-
Great story!  Now, this is the question you have to ask yourself: “Is this sustainable for another 6mos?  Another year?  Another 5 years? Is this how I want to feel and how i want to be treated?”

If the answer is yes, then carry on.  If not, then that means you have to break up eventually, and sooner may be better than later.  You can do it deliberately with a clear head, or you can wait for nasty circumstances to do it for you (another incriminating text, finding him in bed with someone).  I vote for the former option.

Remember that fulfillment is a feeling, not a person.  Suspicion and mistrust, which is a lot of what you’re experiencing, don’t sound like fulfillment to me.

As for saying that you ‘love’ him: that may be true, but you have a duty to yourself and to the world to love yourself first.  Being with someone who doesn’t value you and isn’t a catalyst for your flourishing into the best possible version of you, is not being loving to yourself.  That always comes first — I don’t want to hear any of this Whitney Houston martyr complex nonsense.

Two other things:

You already know what he said to his friend is not ‘just guy talk.’  If you’re with a man who’s reasonably charming and experienced with women, unless he has stated explicitly that you are exclusive together, you should assume you are not.  With the pre-existing trust issues you’re talking about, it’s a safe assumption that he’s pursuing other options.  It may not be what you want to hear, but it is the way things are.

And you should not be messing around with his phone.  I would consider that a massive violation of privacy, and he probably does, too.  That one’s on you.  However, if things were going well, you wouldn’t be snooping around anyway, so it’s a symptom of a much bigger trust issue.

Fulfillment is a feeling, not a person is one of the big themes of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible.  If you want to find the fulfillment that you truly deserve, you need to read the book already.

But when a guy writes a dating book for women, the questions are more like, “What possessed you to do that? And what on earth qualifies you, a mere dude, to write for women anyway?” Yeah, yeah, yeah. This video addresses those questions.

If you like it, please share it with friends (via Facebook, Twitter etc) and be sure to rate and comment on it! Feel free to embed it on your own site, and if you’d like to get advance notification of the videos before everyone else, click on the ‘Subscribe’ button on the YouTube channel.

But what if that just doesn’t suit someone?  What if there’s a woman out there who frankly wants to be resistible?  Well, that’s what this video’s about. At the end of the video, I offer some suggestions for how to be irresistible — y’know, just in case.

I know this one’s going to arouse some controversy, so please — let me know what you think.  Rate it, comment on it, share it via Facebook, and feel free to embed it on your own site if you’ve got one. Here’s the link for sharing purposes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xa8i2PSB0EY

Recently I’ve been noticing a spate of breakups amongst my female friends.

Just last week I was having dinner with Katie on her birthday.  She was coming off a 6-year relationship with her boyfriend Dustin.  Katie’s 30; he was 41.

You could tell that the breakup was still stinging three months after the fact.  Frankly, I didn’t see why: if a guy’s 41 and still doesn’t marry you after 6 years, he’s clearly the wrong guy for the job – fire him so you can make room for the right one.

But this argument did not wash with Katie.  She still wanted him, because she loooooved him.

Oh really.

Well, I was never really convinced about this Dustin guy anyway.  Y’know why?  Because Katie’s a pretty social person.  She goes to events and parties all the time – in fact, I met her at a party about a year and a half ago

And you know what?  Not once did I see him accompanying her to any of these functions.  I’ve never met Dustin!  To me, he may as well have been a fictional character in a Jane Austen novel.  “Ohh Mr Dustin – how he makes me swoon!”

Yeah, but where the hell is he if not by your side?

And by her side is exactly where he should have been, because Katie’s kind of a babe – tall, sweet and with a smile that melts icebergs.  Only a fool would let a woman like that roam alone.

But I digress.  The point is that I needed to impress upon Katie that this breakup was a Good Thing.

So I asked her, “Well, Katie, on a scale of 1-10, how often did he give you backrubs and how good were they?”

She thought about it for a sec, and said ‘4′.  He didn’t really do much of that at all. My guess is that the 4 was pretty generous.

“And how often did he cook for you?”  That got a 3.

“And how good was the sex – quality and frequency?”  To his credit, that was an 8.

“And how often did he say ‘I love you’ or genuinely appreciate you?”  That was a 5.

“So what you’re telling me, Katie, is that out of a possible 40 points this guy scores a measly 20 – and you still want him because…?”

That got her thinking.

And thus was born the Deadbeat Boyfriend Test, aka the Dude-O-Meter.

As you may know, I wrote The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible partially out of the frustration of seeing so many of my fabulous female friends who were dating duds, not dudes.

I just get sick and tired of that – and it’s still happening all around me.  Heck, it could even be you that it’s happening to.

So here are some signs that you’re in a relationship with a dud:

1. You often find yourself making excuses for his behavior, either to others or to yourself:

“Oh, but he’s really busy at work.”
“Oh, he’s just like that.”
“Boys will be boys.”

You know what I’m talking about?  You definitely know what I’m talking about.

2. You are doing most of the calling, initiating of contact and making of plans.  As in all of it.  He’ll do stuff with you if you prompt him, but otherwise it’s on you.

Love is action — especially for a guy.  What kind of action is he taking to seek you out and demonstrate that he values you?

3. He’s not with you when you’re out at various social events, and many of your friends haven’t met him.

4. Most (or all of your friends) quietly or vociferously disapprove of him, and you’re often saying things like, “But you don’t know him like I know him.”

Yeah, if they did, they’d all be running for the hills.  Your friends care for you and see things more clearly than you do, so listen to them.

5. He has said something mean-spirited and nasty to you at any point in time.

You may think that this is okay if it’s happened rarely.  But you have to understand that in good relationships, this never happens.  Not once in 5 decades.  That’s the standard you should be comparing to.

6. He has ever raised his voice with you.

Again, there’s no place for this in a trusting, loving, supportive relationship.

7. He has ever hit you.

I’d like to make it clear that if items 5-7 have happened EVEN ONCE – and I really do mean even just once – you have a duty to yourself, to your friends, to your family and to the world to get out of this relationship, like, now.  Immediately.  Pronto.  No delay, no time to deliberate about it.  This is an emergency.  If you’re having a hard time doing it, get some help.

Items 1-4 are pretty clear warning signs that you are wasting your life on this guy.

The problem isn’t that the guy you’re with is necessarily an ogre but that there’s so much left to be desired.  It’s like you’ve been eating at Subway every day and thinking, “Well, this is alright – what do I have to complain about?”

Darlin’- the problem is that alright is simply not good enough (cue Sarah MacLachlan song).  I want you to go for amazing.  For the kind of guy who sees the goddess in you every day and is a catalyst for your becoming the best version of yourself.

(Of course, ideally, you’re doing the same for him – right?  You lead with love and offer it first.  We’re assuming that you’ve read my book and gotten your own house in order first, offering amazingness so you can receive amazingness :)

So the point is this:

Since most women are ‘nice’, they’re not very assertive when it comes to asking for what they want, even when they’re not fulfilled.  So they’ll stay in a relationship as long as there’s not something grossly wrong with it.

They also have a scarcity mindset, thinking, “I know he’s a lout and a dud, but if I let him go, then I’m all alone – aiiieeeeeee…”  Well, call me crazy, but I just like to think that among the 3.2 billion (BILLION!) dudes out there, you can do one better.  And if you’re better off alone, that’s what you should be instead of being with him.

Sometimes it takes a catastrophic event to shake her up and realize they’re wasting their time (which is the stuff life is made of, incidentally).  Sometimes it takes a caring friend determined to wake her up.  Sometimes it takes a random guy reaching out of the ether of the internet with a wake-up call in the shape of an email.

If this article resonates with you, I wish you courage in taking decisive action.

And just for kicks, why don’t you apply the Deadbeat Boyfriend Test to your current squeeze and see how he does.

Oh, and if you have a friend with a questionable boyfriend, you definitely want to do it for her.  It may not be entirely scientific, but there’s a more than a grain of truth in it.

I mean, if he’s getting a low score, why isn’t he cooking for you and giving you backrubs?  Why is he miserable in the sack?  Whether it’s because you’re not doing your homework either or that he’s not that kind of dude, there’s a lesson worth learning here.

So here are the 4 questions of the Deadbeat Boyfriend Test, scored on a scale of 0-10, ten being the highest rating:

1. How often does he give you backrubs?  Rate on frequency and quality.

Backrub is a general idea.  The idea is that he likes to serve you and make you feel great.

2. How often does he cook for you?  Rate on frequency and quality.

If he’s really not the cooking type (which is most guys), taking you out to dinner is an acceptable substitute – he can get a max score of 7 on that.

3. How satisfied are you with the sex?

4. How often does he tell you he loves you or otherwise lavish you with praise?

Until we have more scientific guidelines, here’s what I suggest:

Score of 34-40: A keeper!  Good job.  Now make him feel like the man he’s always wanted to be, and he’ll never leave you.

Score of 29-33: Ok, so this guy has potential but needs some brushing up.  Maybe he’s gotten too caught up in work, or maybe he just needs some encouragement from you.  Give him some hints and see if he rises to the occasion.

Score of 25-28: This is borderline.  Neglect has already become a habit here, and unless he really steps up and starts making you a priority in his life, not an option, you need to dump his ass in about a week.

Score less than 25: Dump him. This is not a decision that needs to be delayed or regretted.  Why?  Because you deserve better, that’s why.  It’s not about him – it’s about you.  And my job is to make sure you’re happy and fulfilled.

Now that you’ve read that, I have a favor to ask you: were you in a bad situation at some point, and if you were, how did you get out of it?  I’ve found that these case studies are tremendously useful for others to read, so please share.  Either send them via email, or post them as a comment on the blog.

The power is within you

Dr Alex

Here’s a letter from one of my readers Susan F. about the article ‘7 Things You Should Always Do On A Date’ (which you can read about here if you don’t know what I’m talking about.

“Hope you had or are having a great time in London. Grateful for the 7 Shoulds below, but I must say these are “it goes without saying” in my dating life.

In your writing, have you touched on WHEN you are doing the basics below, keeping open, complimentary, attentive, etc. – why a man selects not to pursue a woman?”

I have a few dates or a few months with a man and the end result mostly equals “wow, you’ve really got your stuff together”, “you’re strong”, and “your amazing” with a sense of wonderment that draws them to detaching. Just dated a man who hit all of the highlights of what I like in a man except one – available regularly.

The last man I dated and really liked chose to leave our short-term relationship to date a girl for a few months, whereby he ended up coming back to me and share how it was so bad. That he was ‘violated’ (his words) and fighting constantly with this person.

Yet, he still finds it hard to commit to me – initially, he commented ‘I was initimidated by you’ by just being me and then now commenting how he missed my calmness, that I’m not full of anger like others, I’m an angel, beautiful…so on.

What’s the question? Well, why would a successful man who has dated both good and bad women decide not to pursue a good woman like myself? Scared? If so, scared of what? Full of lies? A bad boy in good guy (sheep’s) clothing?

Well, if you have the time I truly appreciate your insight and response.

Thank you,

Susan F., 35, Los Angeles

Thanks for a great letter, Susan.  It reminds me of the three most popular questions I get from women:

1) How do I get him?

2) How do I get him back?

3) What’s he thinking?

This is clearly a #3 question.  And the answer to that question is usually “It doesn’t matter what he’s thinking.”

This is the whole point of being fulfillment-centered.  Fulfillment is a feeling, not a person.

This is one of the key points of The Tao of Dating for Women, which is available for your delectation right now.  In fact, I tackle this whole thing in the first three pages of Chapter 1, which happens to be entitled ‘Dating for Fulfillment.’

So if some guy is not sticking around and is causing you grief because of his contradictory behavior, then clearly he’s not being a catalyst for your fulfillment.  Time to let that one go, as promising as the resume may have looked.

All you can do is to is be the best possible version of yourself.  As Krishna said to Arjuna in the Bhagavad Gita, you are entitled to your labors, but not the fruits of your labors.

In the meantime, I’m hoping that the process of working on being goddess-like is its own reward.  I’m guessing it feels good to be the embodiment of grace, joy, sensuality, and compassion.

Which brings us to the question: are you really doing the best you can?  Are you absolutely embodying the goddess?  Or is there perhaps room for improvement?

In particular, these lines from Susan give me pause:

“I have a few dates or a few months with a man and the end result mostly equals “wow, you’ve really got your stuff together”, “you’re strong”, and “you’re amazing” with a sense of wonderment that draws them to detaching.”

Now I wasn’t there, so I don’t really know what transpired or what these guys actually said.  But it strikes me that they’re saying stuff about her that aren’t related to how she makes them feel.

Think about it: ever heard a guy swoon about a woman and say something like: “Damn, she’s so tidy, I just want to be with her all the time.”

Or: “She’s so career-minded it makes me hot.”

Or: “Her determination just makes me want to eat her up.”

Umm, no.  Not that strength and having your stuff together are bad things.  Au contraire, ma chere – they’re very good things.

They’re just not necessarily the kind of thing that men find attractive – things that make them feel good around you.

Did you touch him with that soft feminine touch of yours on the date?

Did you look straight into his eyes with the look of  “you’re the greatest man in the world” when he was talking about his hobbies, then squeeze his elbow when he was really excited?

Did you ask about all his interests and passions, then listen with full attention without interrupting him when he rambled on?

Did you rub his arm, hand or back?  Did you have an amazing makeout session?  Did you rock his world in the sack?

The point is this: There’s always room for improvement.

Now if you’re making him feel like a million bucks and he still walks off for someone who treats him poorly, is that your problem?  Nosirreebob it’s not.  You’re only responsible for your stupidity, not that of others.

In the meantime, you can still work on being truly irresistible.  Then when Mr Right comes along who can appreciate you for the fine-feathered creature that you are, you’re ready.

So, in summary: let your fulfillment be your guide.  Suspend judgment indefinitely.  And work on yourself in a way that the process is its own reward.

If you’d like more ideas on how to do these things (and a whole lot more), I highly recommend that you get yourself a copy of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible if you haven’t already.  You’ll be glad you did.  In fact, I’m so sure of it that I guarantee it.

I thought this was excellent and could put a huge TICK on each…but what worries me, is:

Am i attracted to these bad boys because there is a part of them inside me too? Does that mean i have some issues i have to look at? Is this bad boy just a mirror of what is going on in my life too? What do you think?  Have you got any feedback from other ‘bad boy’ daters?

I’d like to know,

Enjoy your information always, Angie

Brisbane Qld Australia

Thanks for the letter, Angie.  Here’s the deal: bad boys simply trigger ancient mechanisms that exist in every woman.  In that way, there’s nothing wrong with you if you find yourself responding to them, in the same way that nothing’s wrong with you when you respond to chocolate or ice cream.  We’re just built that way.

That said, you have the choice to recognize this and stay away from them.  You may not be able to control your reaction to them, but you can certainly control your actions.  You can see the ice cream store and walk past it.  You can choose not to stock your fridge with ice cream.  You have choice.

Also, 2-3 days of the month, right around when you’re ovulating, you’re going to be super-susceptible to the charm of more masculine, roguish men.  That’s 10% of your life, and plenty of time in which to screw everything up really good.   Probably a good time to stay away from bad boys.