It’s 5.30pm on Friday night, and you have a date for 8pm. You’re really eager to spend time with this new guy you’ve met. He says he’s made a reservation at the hottest new restaurant in town, and you’ve been anticipating this since Monday when you agreed to go out with him. It’s the highlight of your long week.

You arrive home, put down your handbag and take off your jacket, wondering whether you’re going to wear that red off-the-shoulder number or the more subdued black dress. And shoes – which shoes… when the ringing of your phone interrupts your train of thought. It’s him. He says his boss called him in to help prepare for tomorrow’s client presentation. He cancels on you.

What’s the Right Thing to Do?

If you’ve ever dated, something like this has happened whether you’re male or female. People cancel at the last minute, change their minds, break promises, don’t show up, behave strangely, antagonize you capriciously, get moody, and ruin an otherwise perfectly nice evening.

If that were all they did, your course of action would be clear: move on, and move into a monastery. Unfortunately, those same people who behave strangely have also been known to make you happy by showing interest, showing up, and showing you a great time.

This complexity is what renders dating such a challenge. For example, in the scenario above, here are two of your potential responses to the cancellation:

Get righteously indignant. He’s cancelled at the last minute, leaving you high and dry, so you’d be fully justified. However, if you like him, he may not ask you out again if you chew him out.

Let it slide. Well, these things come up, so hey – no problem! You totally understand. But if you do that, would you be setting a precedent for allowing him to cancel again with impunity? You do want to give him a second chance without being a complete doormat. And your best friend introduced him to you, so just being nasty to him won’t do.

Which option is better? This is not a trivial question, and researchers like David Buss claim that the human brain evolved to its current gargantuan size mostly to figure out complex social questions like this.

A Solution Provided by Game Theory

I like elegant, simple solutions to complex problems, which is why I’ve based The Tao of Dating for Women (and Men) on peer-reviewed science and Eastern wisdom. That way, you have reliable strategies that you can use over and over again, knowing that they give you consistently good results.

One such strategy applicable to our scenario (and actually all human interaction) comes from game theory. A game is any situation in which you make decisions that affect other players. So in dating, even when you think you’re not playing games, by definition you are. In fact, any extended social interaction is a combination of many games over time.

A particular kind of game called the iterated prisoner’s dilemma bears particular relevance to dating. Without getting into the intricacies of this game, I just want you to know that each player in the game has a choice to either cooperate or defect – basically, to be nice or nasty. Not so surprisingly, cooperation (aka being nice) is the more effective long-term strategy (with a caveat that we’ll discuss).

In his 1984 book The Evolution of Cooperation, political scientist Robert Axelrod reported on the success of various long-term strategies when pitted against one another. He came up with some interesting findings on the nature of cooperation, one set of which I’ll summarize as the four Axelrod Criteria. They should hold you in good stead in dating, business, friendship, family dynamics and the odd international treaty negotiation:

1. Be nice.
Start by cooperating, not defecting. This generally means saying ‘yes’ instead of ‘no’. You continue to cooperate until the other person defects, at which point you need to…

2. Be provocable.
Once the other person defects, you defect, too. Your strategy is basically to do whatever the other person did in the last round. This means if the other person starts being nice again, you need to…

3. Be forgiving.
That’s right. If the other person switches back to cooperating, you start cooperating, too, and continue to do so unless provoked.

4. Be straightforward.
You’re already playing a game, so let’s not needlessly complicate matters by playing games within the game. Don’t get greedy, selfish, vindictive, or tricky just to get ahead a little. Play straight.

Life isn’t as cut-and-dried as a computer simulation, so here are some suggestions for applying this to your love life:

• If you think you’re too nice, then you should be more provocable. In the example above, this does not mean that you should set up another date and then cancel on the last minute – that just increases the total storehouse of pain in the world. It means you should get provoked now while expressing yourself clearly and elegantly.

For example, in the scenario above, you sould say something like this:
“I understand that something came up – these things happen.” You’re being compassionate and understanding. Nice, even.

“However, I had set aside this time for us and I’m really disappointed that you cancelled without enough time for me to make alternate plans for a Friday night.” Now you’re demonstrating that you’ve been provoked.

“So, if you’re interested in seeing me again, you should let me know how you’d like to make this up to me, and I’d be happy to spend time with you again.” You’re being forgiving and straightforward.

• If you tend to err on the side of meanness, practice being more forgiving. Don’t dock people forever – be provoked only in response to provocation. You don’t want to shut the door on a potentially great relationship because of just one slip-up. Give people the benefit of the doubt.

• If you tend towards passive-aggressive game playing, stop that immediately. Love is plenty complicated as it is – why make it harder for yourselves? Avoid petty drama and communicate your feelings and wishes clearly. Be straightforward.

As much as some of us would like to think it’s true, it’s not possible to reduce all of life and love to a solvable mathematical game. However, the four Axelrod Criteria of being nice, provocable, forgiving and straightforward will hold you in good stead in many difficult decisions.

Looking for more brilliant advice like this? Can’t blame ya. Get the books The Tao of Dating for Women and The Tao of Dating for Men, the dating bibles for smart folks
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Yup – men are everywhere. But we’re not nearly as baffling as we seem once you understand the underlying machinery. As my fortune cookie said last night, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

So, straight out of The Tao of Dating — “the dating bible for smart women” according to my good man and ace dating coach Evan Marc Katz, and the greatest book in the world according to my mom — here’s a little primer on how to understand guys. Whether you’re single or married, this should help you relate better with half of the planet’s population, leading directly to world peace and reversing global warming instantly. So don’t just read it for yourself — read it to save the polar bears:

1) Men need to feel useful.
In the good old days of cave living and mammoth hunting, guys had essential functions: they protected the homestead and brought home the meat.

Even though modern niceties like police and Whole Foods have largely superseded those functions, men still want to be useful. You can take the man out of the cave, but you can’t take the cave out of the man.

So we try to open doors for you, even though we know you have pilates-toned biceps to do it yourself. We like to treat you to some fresh mammoth at the local diner, even though you can afford it yourself. We lend our arm when we walk together, help you install gadgets, carry suitcases. It ain’t much, but it’s all that’s left for us to do.

When a woman signals that she is so independent that she doesn’t need (or want) a man doing these things for her, the man will sulk away and find something else to make him feel useful – work, sports, poker, drinking buddies, other women.

2) Men mono-task.
The other day, I had some friends over for dinner, and one of them was trying to engage me in conversation while I was chopping salad. After a minute of stilted conversation and impaired chopping, I had to shoo him away and resume the chopping solo, lest I lose a fingertip.

There are structural differences between the brains of men and women. A woman’s corpus callosum is 20 percent bigger than that of a man, so maybe the increased traffic she can handle between her right and left hemispheres allows her to multitask better. All I know is that we guys can barely talk and eat at the same time. We can’t talk and drive. And we certainly shouldn’t be allowed to talk and cook, unless you want some extra fingertip in your salad.

3) Men are hornier than women.
Let’s assume that evolution designed us to perpetuate our genes. Now ask yourself: what’s the maximum number of children a man and a woman could have in a year if each had sex with a different person every day? The answer makes it immediately obvious that, in the genetic lottery, a man stands to gain a lot more than a woman by having multiple sexual partners.

In short, men behave like sperm; women behave like eggs. Sperm are plentiful, easily regenerated and cheap. Eggs are scarce, finite and expensive. So women are gatekeepers while men storm the barricades. Is this good? Is this bad? Neither. It just is. And someone please tell me why I feel like having an omelet now.

4) Men prefer to be taller, richer and smarter than the women they date.
A study showed that 84 percent of men won’t date a woman who’s better educated than himself. Similar numbers apply to wealthier and taller women. This means that somewhere, there are legions of rich, smart, tall women left all by their lonesome – tragic indeed. Except for the men who like rich, smart, tall women. My email’s below.

5) Men like to be heard.
Yeah, we like to ramble. We’ve got stories about our new gadget, the game last night, Samuel Johnson, the Large Hadron Collider. Oh, and we’ve got opinions – about everything. You’re free for the rest of the month, right?

As such, we’re used to being interrupted. But if you’re the woman who’s patient and savvy enough to let us ramble without interruption, then we will probably want to have you around more often.

6) Men don’t pay much attention to what women wear.
Most straight men can’t tell the difference between $30 shoes and a $300 pair. We are also oblivious to the way women artfully match their belts, handbags and dresses with said shoes. Frankly, it’s all wrapping paper to us. Far more interesting is the present underneath. Is it Christmas yet?

As long as a woman’s clothes are clean and present her well without obscuring essential information (e.g. “Is that an empire waist dress or is she just pregnant?”), we’re much more interested in the contents of her clothes than the clothes themselves – the body for sure, and if she keeps our attention, the mind and spirit, too. That said…

7) Men are shallow when it comes to women’s looks.
We care about women’s looks – a lot. Shiny hair, hourglass figure, clear skin draw us in. Scientists say those are proxies for health, youth and fertility, or what guys call ‘hotness.’ Studies say hotness peaks around age 21. So if a woman in her 30s who wants children wonders why guys in their 30s date children, that’s why.

Now, a woman seems to have the gift of making a man who makes her feel good look good. Guys tend to operate differently. We either find you appealing or not.

We may be shallow, but we’re connoisseurs of our shallowness. Most of us tend to have a type we find attractive and stick to it for better or for worse. A man’s type may change over time, but there’s no guarantee, and it can’t be induced to change. Which brings us to…

8) Men don’t change much after age 18.
What I’ve noticed in my years in the personal change business is how little people shift in their habits and attitudes over time. A 60-year-old runs the same programs he learned when he was a kid. Therefore, trying to change a man is a futile endeavor unless you’re a hypnotherapist and he’s paying you to do it.

When a woman picks a man as a companion, she accepts the whole package without line-item vetoes. If she’s lucky, he’ll be doing the same for her, so it ends up being a pretty fair deal.

9) Men rise or fall to your level of expectation of them.
Of course, right after I tell you that men don’t change, I come out and tell you that they do — a little bit. Most men are afraid to admit it, but we’re basically here to please women. If you hold him to low standards — it’s okay if he shows up late, forgets a birthday, isn’t ambitious — he will meet those standards. Conversely, if you expect reliability, loyalty and greatness from him, that’s what he’ll deliver.

May you find these useful. And if you have some of your own observations for understanding men and saving polar bears, do share them below.

More insights on men & a foolproof program for finding, meeting, attracting & keeping the good ones in The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible
Write to me directly. I do my best to answer all questions. Put ‘Question’ in the subject line and please keep it under 2 paragraphs

In 24hrs, you will have one of the best opportunities for ‘success’ with with the opposite sex, however you define that for yourself. Or at least of meeting someone new.

This is because Thursday, 31 December 2009 is New Year’s Eve. And in every country using the Gregorian calendar, it’s an occasion for serious merrymaking.

In the US, along with Halloween (Oct 31) and Valentine’s Day (Feb 14), it is one of the three best days of the year for meeting someone new.

New Year’s Eve is probably the best of the three aforementioned holidays. Why? ‘Cause everyone gets a ‘get out of jail free’ card for NYE. Engaging in borderline scandalous behavior is exactly what you’re expected to do — it’s like everyone’s in Las Vegas the whole time. And everyone is expected to be kissing someone at the stroke of midnight.

So first, the guide for the ladies:

1) Pick the guy you would like to be kissing in the next 15 seconds.

2) Look at him directly in the eye while making that ‘come hither’ gesture with your forefinger.

3) When he is in smooching range, proceed to make out with him. Unless you haven’t brushed your teeth in 5 days, he won’t protest.  Trust me on this.

Okay, we’re done for the women’s part.  Now for the boys.  Here’s what I suggest for greater luck with the ladies on this fine day:

1) Wherever you go, show up as early as possible.

This is the most important tip, so I’m going to repeat it:

SHOW UP YOUR BUTT TO THE PARTY AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE.

Why? Well, straight out of ‘The Tao of Networking’ (aka How to Work a Room): when you get there early, you get to see who walks in with whom. Now you know which of the fine ladies is unattached, which has a date for the eve. This is key information which will save you a lot of work later.

Second, when you show up early and no one’s there yet, you will also feel like you own the joint. This is what I call ‘host physiology’: when you feel like you own the place, you act like it; and when you act like it, you can meet any woman in the room at will.

The third reason is also huge. Generally, if your goal is to get in the lip-lock position with a cutie of your choice by midnight, you want to get the conversation started as early as possible so you have a few hours of get-to-know you time under your belt. That way both of you can feel less sleazy about the whole sordid episode.

Yes, it is possible to start making out with a woman within minutes (or less) of meeting her (for more info on that, check out the Metamorphosis Program). It’s also a hell of a lot easier to get there if  she knows, likes and trusts you somewhat because she got to know you somewhat. So get in early.

Fourth reason for getting in early is so you can choose the best girl for you. The choice a woman makes for whom she’s going to make out with at midnight may come down to which guy approached her first. So – be first! Don’t be all nonchalant and say, “Ahhh, I’ll get to that one later.” Big mistake! I’ve done it, and it sucks. Get to her now, before some douchebag latches on to her who’s so much less interesting than you and a far worse kisser. Yeesh.

2) Commit to just one party and plan on staying there the whole night.

This is a night when more is most definitely not better. Pick one party from the multitudes and stay there.

Strategically, you want to build a lot of rapport with a few people, so you’re best off staying at one place to optimize that. Also, you’re going to be toasted, and getting around while you’re drunk is a colossal pain in the rear (especially if any driving is involved – don’t even think of driving yourself around if you’re drinking, buddy).

And anyway, what would you rather be doing – partying or being in transit? A minute on the subway or in the car is a minute not spent in revelry.

You need revelry more than you need traffic. Go be stuck in traffic next week on the way back to work, you glutton for punishment you.

3) Go to a small house party with a few friends instead of some monster mega jam with lots of random strangers.

New Year’s Eve is a great time to get together with your buds.  This is when memories are made, and whatever mischief you’re going to engage in, it will be more fun together. Also, the feelings of camarederie you’ll have from being with your friends will make you more effective with the ladies.

So pick a smaller venue like a house party where it’s not completely bonkers anonymous random people. The higher sense of rapport lends itself to better stories later and a more pleasant experience as it’s happening.

Also, the monster mega jams, in spite of the promise of having more people in them, aren’t usually all that good for meeting people. People tend to behave more like strangers towards one another when there are too many people. Once again, more is not better. Go for small.

4) Ask the magic question early and often.

Assuming your goal is to be making out with some hottie by or before midnight, and knowing that you can say pretty much whatever you want on this night and get away with it, you need to use the Magic Question a lot.

(Actually, the original Magic Question is “What’s important to you about that?,” straight out of the inimitable Tao of Dating for Men. For this New Year’s Eve performance, we have a substitute magic question standing in for the original one. The rest of the cast is unchanged.  Enjoy the performance.)

And the Magic Question, NYE edition, is:

“Would you like to kiss me? ‘Cause it is New Year’s Eve, y’know.”

The addition of the ‘because’ clause tends to increase compliance by a good 70% or so, as we discussed in The Tao of Persuasion course, so make sure you have it in there. My suspicion is that some of you will have crazy stories to tell me with this one. If so, I want to hear them. Lurid details appreciated.

5) Drink moderately.

Okay, so you may be thinking I’m putting on my doctor hat here, finger-wagging and all about the eeeevils of alcohol. Umm, well, sorta. It is always a good idea not to drink yourself to oblivion. On this particular night, it’s extra-special important though.

Why?  Because, silly — that’s why:

a) Your handsome charming self functions better that way and is more likely to make points with the ladies than your drunken buffoon self.

b) Should you get really lucky, the machinery will work better and you’ll feel more of the pleasure you were so eager to get to and

c) There will be lots of drunken wastoids in the arena, and in the interest of self-preservation from all the lunging, lurching biomass, it’s best that you had your wits about you, brother.

That’s it.

Go get ‘em, tiger

AB

Lisa-
Great story!  Now, this is the question you have to ask yourself: “Is this sustainable for another 6mos?  Another year?  Another 5 years? Is this how I want to feel and how i want to be treated?”

If the answer is yes, then carry on.  If not, then that means you have to break up eventually, and sooner may be better than later.  You can do it deliberately with a clear head, or you can wait for nasty circumstances to do it for you (another incriminating text, finding him in bed with someone).  I vote for the former option.

Remember that fulfillment is a feeling, not a person.  Suspicion and mistrust, which is a lot of what you’re experiencing, don’t sound like fulfillment to me.

As for saying that you ‘love’ him: that may be true, but you have a duty to yourself and to the world to love yourself first.  Being with someone who doesn’t value you and isn’t a catalyst for your flourishing into the best possible version of you, is not being loving to yourself.  That always comes first — I don’t want to hear any of this Whitney Houston martyr complex nonsense.

Two other things:

You already know what he said to his friend is not ‘just guy talk.’  If you’re with a man who’s reasonably charming and experienced with women, unless he has stated explicitly that you are exclusive together, you should assume you are not.  With the pre-existing trust issues you’re talking about, it’s a safe assumption that he’s pursuing other options.  It may not be what you want to hear, but it is the way things are.

And you should not be messing around with his phone.  I would consider that a massive violation of privacy, and he probably does, too.  That one’s on you.  However, if things were going well, you wouldn’t be snooping around anyway, so it’s a symptom of a much bigger trust issue.

Fulfillment is a feeling, not a person is one of the big themes of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible.  If you want to find the fulfillment that you truly deserve, you need to read the book already.

“I met this guy, and he took me to dinner, and it was really romantic, but he did/didn’t try to kiss me, then he called/didn’t call back, then he asked/didn’t ask me out again, and what does it all mean is he interested what should I do help help help.”

Now, many of you think I have magical powers. And it’s absolutely true. For example, I can make whole plates of pasta vanish in seconds and order beer in 12 languages.

However, reading the minds of your dates whom I have never seen nor met is not one of those powers. I missed that boat of psychic ability.

Additionally, trying to parse each individual situation for an ultimate answer doesn’t work so well, because there are millions of situations and often no ultimate answer.

However, just a few reliable principles can solve a whole bunch of problems. I’ve found the following five principles pretty handy. They form the backbone of the Tao of Dating book for women and men, and here they are:

1. Abundance, or wealth-consciousness.

Anaїs Nin once said, “We do not see the world as it is; we see the world as we are.” Thus you have the choice to see the world with a lens of wealth-consciousness or poverty-consciousness. Do you see scarcity, lack and limitation around you, or wealth, possibility and abundance?

The mindset you choose bears directly upon the success of your love life (and your success in general). Scarcity-consciousness – e.g. “all the good ones are taken” – begets neediness, and neediness is not attractive.

Big-heartedness and self-sufficiency, on the other hand, work much better. Even the Bible has something to say about that: “For he that hath, to him shall be given: and he that hath not, from him shall be taken away even that which he hath.”

Seems kind of mean, but it’s just the way of the world: wealth begets wealth. So even if you don’t have a companion, act as if there is an unlimited supply of what you want available to you already.

And you know what? There is. Because even if only one thousandth of one percent of the 6.5 billion people in this world are cool enough to be eligible for your companionship, that’s, oh, 65,000 folks. That’s enough dates to tide you over for a whole month.

2. Enlightened self-interest.

This one has three words in it. ‘Enlightened’ means that you make decisions by considering the long-term consequences of your actions. Short-sighted decisions – e.g. “I know he’s a bad boy, but it’ll be so much fun” – usually end in tears and/or heartbreak.

‘Self’ means that your welfare takes priority, just like in the pre-flight announcement where they say put on your own oxygen mask first, then help others in the case of an emergency. To be able to take care of anyone else, you need to take care of you first. Simple, totally non-negotiable, and often neglected.

‘Interest’ means that you’re signing up for your fulfillment and joy, not your pain. If a relationship is making you miserable and unhappy – like that of my friend Holly who was being put down and punched up by the man she was supporting financially – consider ending it. Because fulfillment is a feeling, not a person. So if you’re not getting fulfilling feelings in a relationship, chances are you’re with the wrong person.

3. The Be-Do-Have paradigm (vs. Have-Do-Be).

Many people think like this: “If I have a great partner, then I can do the things that people with partners do, and then I can be happy.” That’s actually the tail wagging the dog. The proper sequence is: “If I am a happy, self-sufficient, generous and charming person, then I will have a great life and do things that feel good and make me attractive, and then, as a pleasant side-effect, will have fabulous companions who are naturally attracted to my life.”

Successful change begins at the level of identity and belief, so first, be the kind of person you want to be. From the right beliefs will flow the right actions, or te (the middle word from Tao Te Ching) naturally and effortlessly, from which will come right results.

4. Yin-Yang (Feminine-Masculine) Polarity

The Taoists say that two poles are necessary for energy to flow: the receptive or feminine yin and the projecting or masculine yang. We see this in nature: water runs from high to low; electricity flows between cathode and anode; magnetic force goes between north and south poles.

This is especially true of human relations. Without polarity, relationships fall flat, whether in heterosexual or same-sex couples: someone has to wear the pants.

As a man, if you take on too much yin, you risk turning into an indecisive wimp, which is not necessarily appealing to women. Having an open heart is great; just remember to keep your spine also.

As a woman, if you take on too much yang, you risk turning into a facsimile of a guy, which may be admirable but not necessarily attractive. Strength is great, but remember that femininity is what draws in the masculine.

As the immortal bard Prince Rogers Nelson once said, “let a woman be a woman and a man be a man.”

5. Get out of your own way.

Recently a very intelligent woman wrote to tell me she couldn’t date guys who were less smart than her, because they bored her. And when she finally found a guy who was smarter than her, she found herself competing with him and putting him down out of insecurity, thereby driving him away. Basically, she could not win.

So much pain in dating is self-inflicted and has to do with upholding our own importance or appeasing the ego.

Therefore I will state here without proof that there is no greater waste of your energy than upholding your own importance. Get used to the idea that it just doesn’t matter.

The Buddhists have this nifty concept called anatta, or no-self. It basically means that nothing in the universe has a fixed identity – especially you. If you’re breathing and have a heartbeat and just read this phrase, billions of things changed in your mind and body right now. So you’re fundamentally not the same you were five seconds ago, let alone five years ago. So quit trying to defend something that essentially isn’t there.

Whether or not you fully buy into this concept, it’s a handy notion: with no ego to be rejected, insulted or hurt, you’re much more likely to have an open heart and take risks in love. You’re also more likely to be kind, compassionate, and fun to be around.

When you practice anatta, all the energy that was used for judgment, competition and defensiveness can now be used for a better purpose: practicing the loving.

Waiting for the world to arrange its circumstances perfectly to allow you to start loving, to paraphrase Ramana Maharshi, is like wanting to cover the world in leather so you can walk barefoot. It is much simpler to wear shoes. The time to love is always now.

So if your best thinking got you here, perhaps it’s time to start something new: practice abundance; take the long view; be the change you want to see; and open into even greater loving.

Join me in Los Angeles for a reading of The Tao of Dating for Women: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible on Wed 15 July at 7pm at Book Soup.
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This is a topic that is best illustrated visually, since that’s how those pernicious little beasties called fashion magazines inflict their damage. I rant about this in The Tao of Dating for Women fairly extensively — the entire beginning of Chapter 6 on ‘How to Keep a Healthy Diet’, pp 113-123, is about this.

But one good rant deserves another, so here it is:

They kept on going back and forth, with Sarah editing Ashley — “No, say it this way” — and then Ashley re-editing the edit.

Eagle-eyed professional that I am, I thought, gee, could this possibly be about a boy?  They apologized for ignoring me and sheepishly admitted, yes, it was about a boy — specifically, the one Ashley was dating.  Sorta.

So why was it so hard to compose this message?  “Because he’s being a douche-bag,” Ashley said, rolling her eyes.  I sensed that ‘douche-bag’ was a term of art, so as a scientist I had to figure out exactly what rendered this fellow a douche-bag.

As it turns out, the boy — ‘DB’ henceforth — was being unclear in his intentions.  He said he cared for her but his career came first.  When asked point blank whether he cared for her, he’d offer evasive, non-committal answers like “Well, I’ve been with you 8 months now, haven’t I?”

To this, I told Ashley that I’ve heard a guy say “You are amazing and wonderful; it’s a privilege to be with you and I absolutely adore you” before, and it sounded different from “Gee, well I haven’t run away yet.”

We talked for a while, and the summary of it was that Ashley was clearly unfulfilled in the relationship.  Yet she kept on making excuses for DB.

Why?  She gave two reasons.  First: “It sucks to be single — this way at least I’ve got somebody.” And second: “I just feel great around him when he is around.”

Hmmmm.

Let’s parse the first statement for a moment.  Somehow Ashley’s thinking that mediocre treatment from a guy is better than no treatment at all.

This is a very, very dangerous assumption.  Because it leads you straight down what I call the ladder of compromise.  In the study of organizational behavior, it’s called normalization of deviance.

It goes something like this: a guy does something which you don’t like all that much — maybe shows up late.  You don’t say anything.  So he keeps on showing up late.  Pretty soon, you’re regularly waiting a whole hour for him to show up.

Or say a guy puts you down a little and you don’t complain, because he’s so great in all these other departments.  Your unconscious is always working to avoid cognitive dissonance, so on some deep level it accepts that this is the level of treatment you deserve.

Now your self-esteem is in the toilet, so you think the next guy who comes along who treats you well is crazy and instead glom on to guys who serially treat you like dirt.

What you’ve done is that, little by little, you’ve allowed poor treatment to be okay.  You’ve normalized the deviance.

Ladies (and gentlemen, too) — this is a very pernicious thing.  Once you allow the foot in the door for a little mistreatment, you’re effectively allowing a lot more of it to happen down the road.  Heck, psychologists even have a name for it — the ‘foot in the door technique.’

That’s why you have to practice zero-tolerance when it comes to matters of fulfillment and being treated well.

This is how my smart, beautiful friend Holly (featured in the introduction to The Tao of Dating for Women) ended with a deadbeat who physically abused her.  For 1.5 years.

This is how another very smart, absolutely gorgeous woman ended up with a husband who beat her up routinely — for 12 years.  And is still with him.

Repeat after me: “I will only spend time with people who treat me exceptionally well and make me feel like the queen of the universe.”

Why?  Because you have a duty to the world to be the best possible version of you — so you can shine your light as far and wide as possible.  I’m telling you — the world needs you now more than ever.  So when you let a guy get away with doing something — anything — to diminish that light, you’re shirking your duty to the world.

So henceforth, I want you to practice ruthless compassion for yourself.  Sure, the guy’s cute, and you feel great when he’s around.  But if he’s putting you down instead of lifting you up, it’s time for him to go.  Like, now.

Granted, because of the brew of chemicals in your head and the unconscious compromises you’ve already made, this is a tough thing to do.

You also have to admit that you’ve been wrong — totally, completely wrong.  Your ego hates that.  Get over it, girl — don’t let your ego ruin your life.

Also, notice Ashley’s second reason: “I just feel so good when he is around.”  I’m paraphrasing a bit here, but the way she described it to me was exactly the way a junkie describes a hit of crack or heroin.  Basically, a drug.

There was no description of mutual enrichment, support, deepening of the spirit.  Just a jolt of good feeling, which is the essence of what drugs do — empty euphoria.

Well, guess what ladies — neurophysiologically, guys operate in the exact same way that drugs do.  So he’s not just like a drug — he is a drug.  And just as bad for you.

And we all know how tough it is to get off drugs.

In the interest of making this article eminently practical, this is how you rid your life of the drug of Toxic Dude (or Dudette):

1) Detox.

This means you stay away from him for at least one week — two’s even better.  Going on a trip and having no contact with him is one of the more effective ways.  Technically, it allows your brain to downregulate receptors and adapt to normal chemistry.  Practically, it gets him off your mind.

2) Get help.

Like Odysseus, canvass your compadres to keep you away from toxic dude, since you know you’re too weak to do it yourself (see my post on the Odysseus Protocol).  Listen to them — they often know what’s good for you better than you do.

3) Do better.

Hang out with people who do elevate you and make you feel wonderful, and notice the contrast.  Heck, maybe even go on a date with a nice guy for a change.  It gets a lot harder to go back to instant ramen noodles once you’ve had gourmet pasta.

The other thing that the girls were doing which I found interesting was trying to figure out why DB behaved the way he did.  They spent a lot of time and energy guessing what this meant and that could mean.

And you know what?  It doesn’t matter.  At all.

There’s an old Buddhist parable about a man being shot in the leg with an arrow.  Instead of taking care of the arrow stuck in his leg, he asks, “Who shot the arrow?  Which tribe was he from?  Who’s his father?  What kind of bow was it?”

Umm, dude, newsflash: there’s an arrow in your leg.  Why don’t we take care of that first.

Similarly, the only thing that matters is how well you’re being treated — whether you’re feeling fulfilled or not.  That is your internal compass, and the only criterion that matters.  Don’t worry where the arrow came from.

You have to realize that no man is a complete ogre, so sure — he’s going to have some redeeming qualities. And yeah, you’re not totally nuts, so you hang out with him because it does feel good on some level.

But I urge you to set your standards high, ladies (and guys).  And once you’ve set them, do not tolerate any subpar treatment.  I’m telling you that you deserve the best because it’s absolutely true.  All you have to do is convince yourself that it’s true and live accordingly.

That’s because there’s only one measly commandment telling you what to do: ‘honor thy father and thy mother.’ The remaining nine are a relentless barrage of ‘thou shalt nots’, telling you what not to do.

So if you were to follow them to the letter, then every day is Mother’s Day (or Father’s Day), since all you can do is sit in a corner calling mom and telling her how great her tuna casserole is. Unless it’s Saturday, in which case you probably aren’t allowed to do that either. And don’t even think of casually saying hi to a graven image, or worse, coveting your neighbor’s oxen.

So for somebody living in 2009, that Decalogue ain’t all that useful.

At the same time, perhaps there is another realm in which a barrage of negative directives would be useful. Some area in which people are hopelessly, repeatedly, incorrigibly screwing up their own chances.

Ah yes — that would be dating.

I’ve been on the receiving end of enough stories from men and women to notice some consistent patterns of self-sabotage in the mating dance. The good news is that once you know about them, these behaviors are entirely avoidable. Call them the Dating Decalogue, the Ten Commandments of Modern Mating or just common sense — here they are:

1) Thou shalt not flake.

If you like your date at all, it’s crucial that you show up — especially to your first appointment. Besides being tremendously deflating to your date when you cancel, there’s an even deeper reason that has nothing to do with your date and everything to do with you.

Psychologists have found that humans have a perverse tendency to align their thoughts with their actions to avoid cognitive dissonance.

So when you cancel a date or stand someone up even accidentally, something in the back of your head says, “Well, I must not have liked him/her all that much anyway.” That makes it that much harder for you to accept a second date. So unless you think you’ve got swine flu, do your best to keep the date.

2) Thou shalt not yammer on thine phone during a date.

I’ll never forget that soft summer night in the Boston Public Gardens when I was about to kiss a girl for the first time and her phone rang. She looked at it, said “It’s Mom,” and proceeded to catch up with her for the next two minutes. I walked away, never to see her again.

You’ve both put in the time and effort to meet each other, so honor that commitment and give each other your undivided attention. ‘Undivided’ means no calls made, no calls received, no texts or emails checked. Just turn the pusher* off.

Additionally, new studies show that fragmenting our attention with email, texts and other distractions lowers our IQ about as much as smoking marijuana does. A dumber you is usually a less attractive you, so stay sharp if you want to make a good impression.

3) Thou shalt not convey emotionally-sensitive content over email or text message.

Email and text lack accurate indicators of tone, making them fertile ground for miscommunication. Additionally, they provide a permanent record of temporary insanity which can be disseminated all too easily. For these three reasons, you should use these media to convey data only — where and when to meet, what to wear, etc.

Mild flirting like “Miss you” or “You’re kinda cute in a sombrero” is fine. “Only a jerk wouldn’t call me after what we did” you’ll regret, especially after it ends up on textsfromlastnight.com.

4) Thou shalt not get sloppy drunk during a date.

This one’s obvious enough not to require an explanation, but I’ll belabor the point anyway. A date is an opportunity to make an accurate assessment of another person’s potential as a companion — and to allow that person to assess you in turn. Getting sloppy drunk ruins your judgment and alters your self-presentation. Which is a nice way of saying is makes you look like a slobbering, unappealing goober.

5) Thou shalt not have a first sexual encounter when of unsound mind.

This follows #4, but I say ‘unsound mind’ so it covers all states of altered judgment: being drunk, high or desperate. At least the first time you get sexually intimate with someone, you want to be of reasonably clear mind. Otherwise the act could lead to regret or, worse, mediocre sex.

6) Thou shalt not argue.

Being right is not the same as being liked. So if you want the other person to like you, avoid argument altogether. An argument is the only game both parties lose. Of course, somebody’s going to argue about this, and — well, it’s still unattractive.

7) Thou shalt not be an open (Face)book.

When you first meet people, you want to control the impression they get about you. Tools like Facebook provide too much information about you too fast to be placed in context accurately (“Why is he wearing a bra in public?”), facilitating misunderstanding. So don’t become instant Facebook friends or otherwise overshare personal information with someone you’ve just started dating.

Being an open book is not transparency; it’s imprudence. So control the information about you so it’s a trickle, not a flood. Not only will you forestall misunderstanding, but when people know less about you, you’ll look more mysterious and interesting to boot.

8) Thou shalt not be judgmental.

“Only a fool would do such a thing” is a judgment; ditto for “Only an idiot would vote for that guy,” no matter how true it is. So ask questions instead of issuing verdicts. Mind you, “What kind of idiot would vote for that guy?” may look like a question, but it’s still a judgment. “What was important to you about doing that” is a softer request likely to get you a higher-quality answer.

9) Thou shalt not whine.

Complaining is unattractive, no matter how justified you think it is. Yeah, your middle seat in the back of coach was terrible — and your litany of woe is not exactly charming either, so let’s talk about something more fun, shall we? And if you’re going to complain about complaining being unattractive — see #6 above.

And finally…

10) Thou shalt listen.

I made this the only positive commandment since it’s so darn important — almost as important as honoring thy father and thy mother.

Let people speak without interruption, and quit talking about yourself so much. People are dying to be heard, so if you’re the one listening, you’re giving them more life. And who doesn’t want to be around more life?

In the Tao of Dating for Women and The Tao of Dating for Men I much prefer to offer readers ideas for what to do versus what not to do. So in the next articles, I’ll be sharing some useful positive principles for long-term romantic fulfillment.

* Yes, I actually mean that your phone is like a drug dealer. And the way you compulsively check it is neurologically the same as the lab rat hitting the lever for another hit of heroin.

Hi! Alex,
I have been enjoying your autoresponder updates.  Thank you!  I am grateful that my friend told me about you!

My question is:

When a man uses vulgar language (mainly the “f” word) around me (and we are just getting to know one another), how do I let him know that I would rather not hear that? Sure, I have heard the word a lot in life (I am 56) and even said it myself a few times (usually softly when no one’s around!), but I feel uncomfortable when a guy uses it in front of me…

Thanks and blessings! Maureen from Seattle

Well well.  This is a universal issue, isn’t it.  How do we ask for what we want when it can potentially offend the person we’re asking?  It also comes up when giving unsolicited (but direly needed) advice: for example, how do you tell someone he or she has bad breath?  Or that her boyfriend is a loser and she needs to dump him pronto?

There are a few motives here working at cross-purposes.  One is genuine concern for the friend.  Second (a corollary to the first) is not wanting to hurt the friend’s feelings.  And the third is to get some relief for yourself.

First of all, I’d like to bring to your attention that of the three motives listed above, only one really matters: your genuine concern for your friend.  Number two, namely not wanting to hurt the friend’s feelings, is still part of the fact that you care.

Forget about relief for yourself and instead frame it thus: “If this person continues to have raging halitosis, his friends, including me, will probably be less willing to hang around him, and his life will be less rich for that.”

Now your selfish concern is an unselfish one, which will make you more empowered to speak your mind and tell him about the stinky breath.  Because now, it’s more like you’re shoving him out of the way of a falling piano instead of just nagging him.

Great!  Now that you’re willing to tell him, how do you tell him?

Since I’m in the business of telling people what’s good for them even when they don’t necessarily want to hear it, I’ve thought long and hard about how to package the medicine such that the patient not only takes it but wants to keep on talking to you after taking it.

What I’ve found to work is to ask for consent first: “Would you like to take care of this problem?  Would you like me to help you with that?”  After you get a yes, then you deliver the medicine: “Well then, this is what I suggest you do.”

In the case above, for example, Maureen would say, “Hey, Mr Occasional Foulmouth.  I was just wondering if you really enjoyed my company and would like to see me more often.”  Why yes, he says.  That’s the part about getting consent.

Then you say, “Well, I just want you to know that I get a little uncomfortable when you use foul language around me, and I enjoy your company a lot more and am much more likely to hang out with you if you used softer language.”

What works best is using a non-judgmental tone that focuses on YOU, not him, and focuses on what you want him to DO, not what you don’t.  Phrase things positively.

Here’s another format that has worked for me: “Would you be interested in some feedback about such-and-such?”  If you get a yes, then you ask, “Would you like me to sugarcoat it, or would you prefer that I be ruthlessly compassionate?”  Then you proceed to tell what’s on your mind, as positively and non-judgmentally as possible, at the level of bluntness that they requested.

Sometimes — most of the time, actually — when you do this, nothing happens.  The behavior does not change.  And that’s when you have to decide which is more important: the company of your friend, or relief from the irritating behavior.

We don’t get line-item vetoes when it comes to friends — you accept or reject the whole package.  And a big part of living a happy life involves accepting the world as it is, versus wishing it to conform to our particular whim.  So if a friend’s habit is truly irritating (e.g. nose-picking in public) or detrimental (e.g. crack addiction), it’s your duty as a friend to speak up.

But, as Krishna says to Arjuna in the Bhagavad Gita, you are entitled to your labors, but not the results of your labors.  So if you will err, err on the side of loving people for who they are instead of trying to fix them.  It makes for a richer and easier life.