Lisa-
Great story!  Now, this is the question you have to ask yourself: “Is this sustainable for another 6mos?  Another year?  Another 5 years? Is this how I want to feel and how i want to be treated?”

If the answer is yes, then carry on.  If not, then that means you have to break up eventually, and sooner may be better than later.  You can do it deliberately with a clear head, or you can wait for nasty circumstances to do it for you (another incriminating text, finding him in bed with someone).  I vote for the former option.

Remember that fulfillment is a feeling, not a person.  Suspicion and mistrust, which is a lot of what you’re experiencing, don’t sound like fulfillment to me.

As for saying that you ‘love’ him: that may be true, but you have a duty to yourself and to the world to love yourself first.  Being with someone who doesn’t value you and isn’t a catalyst for your flourishing into the best possible version of you, is not being loving to yourself.  That always comes first — I don’t want to hear any of this Whitney Houston martyr complex nonsense.

Two other things:

You already know what he said to his friend is not ‘just guy talk.’  If you’re with a man who’s reasonably charming and experienced with women, unless he has stated explicitly that you are exclusive together, you should assume you are not.  With the pre-existing trust issues you’re talking about, it’s a safe assumption that he’s pursuing other options.  It may not be what you want to hear, but it is the way things are.

And you should not be messing around with his phone.  I would consider that a massive violation of privacy, and he probably does, too.  That one’s on you.  However, if things were going well, you wouldn’t be snooping around anyway, so it’s a symptom of a much bigger trust issue.

Fulfillment is a feeling, not a person is one of the big themes of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible.  If you want to find the fulfillment that you truly deserve, you need to read the book already.

My comments will be in italics henceforth.

Chapter 2: Who You Really Are

I read this chapter by candlelight while soaking in my tub last Thursday evening. It made such an impact that I have taken a week to marinate in the thoughts and the emotions that those thoughts stirred. I was already coping with the realization that it may not be the men in LA that are the problem, but the problem may just lie within me.

AB: To be perfectly fair, LA is a tough town to date in, and frankly the boys (and girls) in this city are a bit strange.  I wouldn’t be exaggerating if I said this is the toughest dating environment I’ve lived in.  That said, there are 12 million folks here, so let’s not let that be an excuse to abdicate our own power and leave our fulfillment to chance.  You earn the right to complain only after you’ve gotten your own house in order.

Since I finished that chapter I went through quite a few positive changes. But more importantly, I took a step back and really started to look at those relationships that I have, and for whatever reason, have continued to maintain despite them not being healthy. Some were downright parasitic, but because of the fear of completely letting go, I kept them.

The MINUTE I got out of the tub, I went straight to my laptop and started the REAL “cleansing”. I find it fitting that I happen to start this experiment on the eve of spring; A natural time for cleansing and new growth. The pruning started with the social networking sites that have been the only source of information to several of the past prospects in my life. I deleted and blocked those unhealthy relationships. I cannot move forward if I keep looking back. As much as we would like to think we are grown adults and have some self control, I will be the first to admit that I profile stalk. Why would I want to find/see a reminder as to why I am not with this person?? Why would I want them to see that I am finally moving on, only to then call me and ask me out? I refuse to be my own saboteur so, I removed the temptation.

I then moved to my cell phone. I found all the “Mr. Wrongs” who had come in and out of my life and who still linger but offer no future value. I changed all of their names to “Do NOT answer”. That way, when/if they call again, I can send to VM, then immediately delete message without listening. (Okay, I know that last part will be TOUGH, but I will try).

AB: This is brilliant, and an essential step in getting your own house in order.  One of the pernicious ways in which scarcity-consciousness manifests is through holding on to excess baggage.  I mean, gawrsh, you just never know — on the off chance that he’ll call this fiscal quarter, I should hold on to his phone number.  Hell no!  Those who value your company seek it out, and you should only spend time with those who value your company.  When you’re willing to let go of the chaff, you’re declaring to your unconscious (and the universe) “I am complete without this.”  Creative destruction means making room for the new, better stuff.

I have already had a few ask what happened, but feel little need to explain. For once I am going to be selfish and think about myself. No explanation required. Now is the time for change.

AB: The toughest thing is to do is to let go of those so-called friends who are energy drains.  Do it — it’ll make you feel 1000x better.

Here are some of the other tips to bring more anatta into my life that Dr. Alex suggested and how I am applying them.

1. Meditation: I downloaded the meditation that Dr. Alex has included in the book for guided mediations that I can do when I have 15 minutes or even while sitting in my car between meetings. I even started with the hong-sau meditation in my tub that night…as goofy as I felt initially, it did eventually offer me some calmness and was quite gratifying towards the end of the 10 minute exercise. (I know it suggested 15 mins, but I was in a tub and only had so much time before I started to prune).

What really motivated me was the concept that “we tend to get more of what we focus on, to the point that you may even become what you focus on” that Dr. Alex points out. If I can focus on clearing my mind of the negative and only focusing on the positive, that will be a step in the right direction. Although, aren’t we supposed to not think when we meditate?? I thought we were supposed to clear the mind of what ails us. I will definitely have to work on the meditation thing.

2. Do Yoga: I am going to do Yoga at least twice a week. I went for the first time yesterday, after a nearly 6 month hiatus from the gym. I actually did quite well, but I am feeling muscles today that I didn’t even know I had and they are bitching that I had the nerve to try to do all those crazy advanced poses and balances without giving them any warning!

3. Use the Reminder Technique: One month. March 1st-April 1st. Fasting.

“That gnawing hunger you experience in the pit of your belly is a reminder to be a better kind of person all day long.”

Mind you, I’m an eater. I am not a salad type of girl. Well, unless it is accompanied by a hearty entree! But thankfully, I am blessed with a great metabolism and a laundry list of activities that keep me fit. I am also not doing one of those crazy celebrity lemonade fasts. I am sticking to lots of organic veggies and fruits, whey protein isolate shakes, raw nuts, and one lean protein meal with small portion of complex carbohydrate and lots of veggies, per day. I’ve also given up desserts for Lent. Interesting since I’ve never been all that religious, but have in the past year really gotten back in touch with my spirituality and have had some pretty meaningful conversations with the Big Guy himself.

I’m also thinking of finding a bracelet or piece of string to wear that will remind me of the concept of no-self, so that the next time I am feeling insecure I can remind myself of the Goddess I am and go introduce myself to the Hottie in the corner ;)

Manageable. I hope that at the end of this month, some of those healthy eating habits will continue. It allegedly takes 21 days to establish a habit, right?

AB: I love this girl!  The fast was just an illustrative example in the book, and I respect that she’s going all the way with this.

4. Experience Flow: I’ve been there, I’ve felt it. I know that somewhere deep inside me I have been in “that optimal state in which the task is matched to the ability”. I think lately I haven’t been challenged enough, so I am looking for ways to fix that.

5. Travel: I started that weekend. I left town. I am leaving again this weekend and hope to do so every weekend. I am tempted to take a road trip with no real destination in mind. The possibilities are limitless

Wow. This is a huge post! I just have so much to share. I have really taken a step back this last week to REALLY think about who I am and the steps that I can take to become an even better person. I’m hoping that by abandoning the old habits I leave plenty of space for new ones. Absence makes the heart wander…I am thinking greener pastures lie ahead!!

This is a remarkable post.  If any of my readers undertake even half of this regimen, their lives are bound to shift dramatically towards a lot more fulfillment and joy.   Go get ‘em, girl!

Before I start, I want to follow up on the story from the last article about my friend Aaron.

Remember how when he asked out this really attractive young woman, she immediately reeled off the names of the 4 most expensive restaurants in town?

Remember how I told you that it was a sign of trouble?

Well, let me tell you what happened on that date.

Contrary to my advice, my friend Aaron agreed to go on the date.  And also agreed to go to one of the restaurants she named.

He also did not use my little formula for turning around the expensive taste of the young lady on herself by saying something like this:

“Wow, that sounds great.  Now, I know I’m totally worth it, but you really don’t have to spend all that money on me on a first date.  You can always just take me somewhere reasonably priced; I don’t mind at all.”

See how that works?  It brings out in the open that the place is totally not cheap, calls her on her choice, and relieves you of the onus of putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation.

So they get to the restaurant.  And she starts ordering everything on the menu.  And then, they bring her the dishes — and she sends them back.  Not once.  Not twice.  Not three times, but FIVE times.

The entire staff of the restaurant was fed up with her, as was Aaron.  He had never seen anything like it before.

As soon as the meal was over, Aaron made an excuse, paid for the bill and got out of the restaurant as quickly as possible, never to see Ms HWET (hottie with expensive taste) again.  He was down a couple of hundred bucks and two hours of his life, but at least the damage was limited to that.

Many other guys get caught in the web of attraction, intrigue and unpredictability of pretty young women and sustain a lot more damage than that.  Sometimes the financial and psychological damage lasts for a long time.

This article is about how to spot a woman who is good for you.  That way, you minimize the chances of wasting even one evening on someone who’s not good for you.

See, the problem is this: evolutionarily, men are designed to say ‘yes’ to a woman who presents an opportunity for sexual interaction.

There’s that famous study about an attractive woman propositioning men on a college campus, and 70% of the men saying yes (and 25% apologizing profusely for having a prior commitment).

The reverse scenario, with an attractive man propositioning the women, yielded 0% affirmative responses.  Zero, zip, zilch.  Not even one.

And although studies have shown that men and women both have higher standards when it comes to choosing a long-term mate, they also show that men’s standards are significantly lower for a short-term interaction.

There’s another study done by psychologists showing how being picky increases your dating success.

The study showed that when a guy went around and was super-nice and attentive to several women, he got a lot less follow-up from those women.

Whereas when he focused his attention on ONE woman, she ended up being much more responsive to him.

So a woman likes it when she sees you’re picky — and that she’s the one you’ve picked.

What I’m proposing here is that you, a man amongst men, will have greater dating success when you always maintain high standards.

This is a re-casting of the principle of Enligthened Self-Interest from The Tao of Dating:

Always act according to what’s best for you in the long term — with emphasis on ‘you’ and ‘long term.’

Because overall dating success is not just about maximizing the good ones but also minimizing the duds.  Every minute you spend with a woman who subtracts from your life is a minute you could have spent with one who adds to your life.  Or spending that minute alone.

I’m not saying that you should have such stringent standards that no one gets through.  That’s a denial of the principle of abundance.  The middle path of the Tao is all about the balancing act — being selective without being overly selective.

I call it the principle of inclusive selectivity.

That way, when you make a mental image of what you want, you’re giving the universe an address: “Aha, so THAT’S what he really wants.”  Too much choice tends to be disempowering.  Narrow it down, and you just might end up with something good.

What I am saying is that you should be very clear on what you want and have a sense of the things that you need to have in a companion and those that are nice to have.

Do you know what your dealbreakers are?  Well, you should.  For example, my friend Ben will absolutely not date a woman who smokes, even recreationally.

Aaron will not date a woman who does drugs or drinks heavily.  Jeff will only date women who are interested in having kids, because he wants to have a family.

So, what are your dealbreakers?  Where do you draw your line in the sand?

Once you have your ‘need to have’ list, then you can work on your ‘nice to have’ list.

Then make sure you work those items in your very first interactions with the women you’re interested in, and reall find out if they’re present in her.

It really helps to write these criteria down, because that way you remember them better.  In fact, I’d keep them in your wallet.

Having this list empowers you in several ways.  First off, it naturally puts you in the ‘picky buyer stance’ that I talk about in The Tao of Dating.

When you’re busy qualifying her, it’s much harder for you to get flustered about what she thinks about you.  You’re turning the tables on her, which is a good thing.  You’re in charge.  You’re leading.

Second, it gives you backbone.  You’re not some desperate dude running around going for anything you can get — you’ve got standards, dammit!  And being just a little bit aloof makes you that much more attractive

Another fun way and effective way to do this online is with a questionnaire.  I recommend 10-15 items max, with multiple choice answers.

I’d start with a paragraph describing the basics of what you’re looking for — eg age range, looks, location — and giving the basics about myself (age, height, weight, etc).

In the body of the questionnaire, I’d then design questions about the things that were important to me.

The questionnaire format is very effective because it automatically sets you up as a challenge, which draws people in.  For some strange reason, people also seem to like to fill out questionnaires.

The questions and mulitple-choice answers are also a great opportunity for you to display your wit and set yourself apart from the boring masses who just give standard answers to standard questions that no one is interested in.

If you want to get a little mystical about it, there is a spiritual principle at work here as well.  In life, you tend to get more of what you focus on.  And the more specific the picture is in your head of what you want, the more likely it is for that thing to pop up in your life.

Here are some areas that you may want to include in your compatibility assessment.  When writing down your criteria, make sure you phrase them positively, i.e. “I want someone who drinks very little” vs. “I don’t want any heavy drinkers.”

– Career: Is she gainfully employed?  If so, does she have time for a relationship?  If not, how does she support herself?

– Education: How far did she get?  Was her schooling a joy or a chore?

– Attitudes toward food, sexuality, pleasure and recreation.

– Religious and spiritual tendencies.

There are many other topics you could include — I’m just putting some big ones up to get you started.

Now that you’ve got the idea, go out there and implement it!  Practice being inclusively selective, and notice how the quality of your dates improves.

The power is within you,
Dr Alex

PS: Can you think of two friends who would also find this article useful? Then feel free to forward the article to them using the easy sharing tools below. I’m always stoked when a friend sends me an interesting article, so they’ll thank you for it!

PPS: I’m interested in your questions and comments regarding dating, persuasion and
networking, so please do send them to me. I can be reached at dralex(at)thetaoofdating.com