So it pains me to no end to see my smart, educated, lovely female friends remain single, alone and lonely in spite of their best efforts. These are amazing women! Surely there is something wrong with the world if they remain single for so long. That’s what compelled me to write The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible.

What compels me to write this article today is a recent trip to the Harvard-Yale Game festivities, reminding me of how smart, educated women routinely sabotage their own chances for romantic fulfillment.

Because, as fabulous as these ladies are, all of their failed relationships have one thing in common: themselves. And frankly, telling them that men are losers or even proving it conclusively doesn’t improve anyone’s plight. Useful advice is about something you can change.

Now I’ve been running and attending young alumni events for Harvard, Princeton, Yale, Stanford, MIT, Columbia, Duke, Swarthmore, Penn, Cornell, Berkeley, Brown, Dartmouth, Oxford, Cambridge and similar well-regarded institutions for a while.

I’ve also been privy to the dating woes of hundreds of men who wrote me subsequent to their reading The Tao of Dating for Men.

From these emerges this brand-new list which builds and elaborates on the earlier article, Why the Smartest People Have the Toughest Time Dating. Here we go:

1. Some smart women put themselves in a no-win bind when it comes to finding an intellectual match.

A smart woman wants to date a smart man, since men less intelligent than her frankly bore her to tears. She wants to be able to hold a stimulating conversation with her partner and to know that he’s at least equal to her (if not better) in this department.

However, once a relationship with Mr Smartypants is under foot, often she unconsciously starts to compare and compete with him. She feels intimidated by his intelligence: “Is he smarter/more educated/more successful than me?” Now she’s feeling silly when she doesn’t know something, or tries to one-up him and have the upper hand. The guy doesn’t quite know what’s happening, except that the very trait that made him attractive in the first place is now causing tension.

So stop competing, Ms Smartypants — love is not a contest. In the immortal words of Boy George, “You’re my lover, not my rival.” Instead, celebrate one another for the qualities you each have to offer. Speaking of Ms Smartypants…

2. Smart women bring their inner CEO to the date.

Let’s say you’re a CEO (or doctor, or lawyer, or some other authority figure). Your job involves managing people and telling them what to do. Occasionally, you have to cut them short and redirect their focus to what’s important, or argue to make your point in a pivotal meeting. All in a day’s work.

Here’s the key point to remember: when you’re on a date with a guy, you’re no longer at work. So if you unconsciously keep on doing those things that make you so effective at the office, you may end up alienating him – especially if he’s also a CEO. Strictly speaking, this does not set a man’s heart aflame (though it may give him heartburn).

In her insightful book on why men don’t call women back after a date, Rachel Greenwald lists this ‘Boss Lady Syndrome’ as the #1 reason men run, based on a survey of thousands of men.

Remember that guys admire and respect a woman who can take charge and kick ass. Guys respect and absolutely adore a woman who can take charge and kick ass but doesn’t feel the need to prove it around him. According to Marianne Williamson’s insight in A Woman’s Worth, “In intimate relations with men, I want to major in feminine and minor in masculine.”

3. Smart women don’t make love a top priority.

If love and meaningful companionship aren’t more important to you than a project, paper, or pet, then you can skip this part entirely.

But if love really matters to you and you don’t aspire to a monastic life, put in as much time and energy into dating and romance as you do into other things you excel at.

Dating is not an afterthought for when you’ve taken care of everything else. As far as anyone can tell, deep, meaningful relationships are the most important part of life.

So let’s not leave it to chance, shall we? If you like a guy, make him feel it. Give him at least as much time and energy as your spreadsheet, term paper, chihuahua or Facebook page. A smart guy knows exactly where he is on your priority list, and if it’s too low, he will move on.

4. Smart women mistake a person for real fulfillment.

Smart women can sometimes get really excited over a guy’s resume, especially when he’s gone to the right schools and held the right jobs. Then they get stuck in a miserable marriage and wonder what went wrong when everything seemed so perfect.

There’s minimal correlation between a guy’s resume and how good he can make you feel. Fulfillment is not a person; it’s a feeling. If his company isn’t fulfilling, you’re probably with the wrong guy.

5. Smart women overthink it.

All women are master overthinkers; smart women just have extra brainpower to burn on it. So they’re experts at twisting themselves into knots of doubt, indecision and self-sabotage. “Does he like me? What does he really think about me? What does he think I think about him? And what do I think he thinks I think about him?”

Stop. Simplify. Did you enjoy his company? Then see him again and see what happens. Otherwise, don’t.

6. Smart women underplay their feminine charms.

Newsflash from the cosmos: masculine things gravitate towards feminine things. So if you want more masculine things (e.g. guys) in your life, then cultivate your feminine energy. Men are suckers for your sensuality, the swing of your hips, the nape of your neck, the curve of your lips. They absolutely love it when you take pleasure in the physical world through touch, food and sex.

Men also love it when you’re open to needing and receiving their help. They like to feel useful and wanted, even though they know full well that you can open doors and run companies on your own. Receptivity is a quintessential feminine quality, so if you want more good men in your life, be receptive to their offerings.

7. Smart women are waiting for love to show up versus showing up as love.

My friends often ask me at parties to summarize all 280 pages of The Tao of Dating for Women in a sentence.

I do their ADD-addled brains one better by boiling it down to just three words: Be the light.

If you’re embodying joy, compassion and sensuality, telling him how great he is, making him feel like a billion bucks and the conqueror of worlds, you have no competition. Anywhere. Good men will come out of the woodwork to find a goddess like you.

So lead with love. You always possess the power to elevate others, so why wait? Dare to use it now. You’ll never say ‘all the good ones are taken’ again.

Check out The Tao of Dating for Women book and Project Irresistible coaching program
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Write to me at dralex(at)taoofdating.com

Lisa-
Great story!  Now, this is the question you have to ask yourself: “Is this sustainable for another 6mos?  Another year?  Another 5 years? Is this how I want to feel and how i want to be treated?”

If the answer is yes, then carry on.  If not, then that means you have to break up eventually, and sooner may be better than later.  You can do it deliberately with a clear head, or you can wait for nasty circumstances to do it for you (another incriminating text, finding him in bed with someone).  I vote for the former option.

Remember that fulfillment is a feeling, not a person.  Suspicion and mistrust, which is a lot of what you’re experiencing, don’t sound like fulfillment to me.

As for saying that you ‘love’ him: that may be true, but you have a duty to yourself and to the world to love yourself first.  Being with someone who doesn’t value you and isn’t a catalyst for your flourishing into the best possible version of you, is not being loving to yourself.  That always comes first — I don’t want to hear any of this Whitney Houston martyr complex nonsense.

Two other things:

You already know what he said to his friend is not ‘just guy talk.’  If you’re with a man who’s reasonably charming and experienced with women, unless he has stated explicitly that you are exclusive together, you should assume you are not.  With the pre-existing trust issues you’re talking about, it’s a safe assumption that he’s pursuing other options.  It may not be what you want to hear, but it is the way things are.

And you should not be messing around with his phone.  I would consider that a massive violation of privacy, and he probably does, too.  That one’s on you.  However, if things were going well, you wouldn’t be snooping around anyway, so it’s a symptom of a much bigger trust issue.

Fulfillment is a feeling, not a person is one of the big themes of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible.  If you want to find the fulfillment that you truly deserve, you need to read the book already.

Here’s a letter from one of my readers Susan F. about the article ‘7 Things You Should Always Do On A Date’ (which you can read about here if you don’t know what I’m talking about.

“Hope you had or are having a great time in London. Grateful for the 7 Shoulds below, but I must say these are “it goes without saying” in my dating life.

In your writing, have you touched on WHEN you are doing the basics below, keeping open, complimentary, attentive, etc. – why a man selects not to pursue a woman?”

I have a few dates or a few months with a man and the end result mostly equals “wow, you’ve really got your stuff together”, “you’re strong”, and “your amazing” with a sense of wonderment that draws them to detaching. Just dated a man who hit all of the highlights of what I like in a man except one – available regularly.

The last man I dated and really liked chose to leave our short-term relationship to date a girl for a few months, whereby he ended up coming back to me and share how it was so bad. That he was ‘violated’ (his words) and fighting constantly with this person.

Yet, he still finds it hard to commit to me – initially, he commented ‘I was initimidated by you’ by just being me and then now commenting how he missed my calmness, that I’m not full of anger like others, I’m an angel, beautiful…so on.

What’s the question? Well, why would a successful man who has dated both good and bad women decide not to pursue a good woman like myself? Scared? If so, scared of what? Full of lies? A bad boy in good guy (sheep’s) clothing?

Well, if you have the time I truly appreciate your insight and response.

Thank you,

Susan F., 35, Los Angeles

Thanks for a great letter, Susan.  It reminds me of the three most popular questions I get from women:

1) How do I get him?

2) How do I get him back?

3) What’s he thinking?

This is clearly a #3 question.  And the answer to that question is usually “It doesn’t matter what he’s thinking.”

This is the whole point of being fulfillment-centered.  Fulfillment is a feeling, not a person.

This is one of the key points of The Tao of Dating for Women, which is available for your delectation right now.  In fact, I tackle this whole thing in the first three pages of Chapter 1, which happens to be entitled ‘Dating for Fulfillment.’

So if some guy is not sticking around and is causing you grief because of his contradictory behavior, then clearly he’s not being a catalyst for your fulfillment.  Time to let that one go, as promising as the resume may have looked.

All you can do is to is be the best possible version of yourself.  As Krishna said to Arjuna in the Bhagavad Gita, you are entitled to your labors, but not the fruits of your labors.

In the meantime, I’m hoping that the process of working on being goddess-like is its own reward.  I’m guessing it feels good to be the embodiment of grace, joy, sensuality, and compassion.

Which brings us to the question: are you really doing the best you can?  Are you absolutely embodying the goddess?  Or is there perhaps room for improvement?

In particular, these lines from Susan give me pause:

“I have a few dates or a few months with a man and the end result mostly equals “wow, you’ve really got your stuff together”, “you’re strong”, and “you’re amazing” with a sense of wonderment that draws them to detaching.”

Now I wasn’t there, so I don’t really know what transpired or what these guys actually said.  But it strikes me that they’re saying stuff about her that aren’t related to how she makes them feel.

Think about it: ever heard a guy swoon about a woman and say something like: “Damn, she’s so tidy, I just want to be with her all the time.”

Or: “She’s so career-minded it makes me hot.”

Or: “Her determination just makes me want to eat her up.”

Umm, no.  Not that strength and having your stuff together are bad things.  Au contraire, ma chere – they’re very good things.

They’re just not necessarily the kind of thing that men find attractive – things that make them feel good around you.

Did you touch him with that soft feminine touch of yours on the date?

Did you look straight into his eyes with the look of  “you’re the greatest man in the world” when he was talking about his hobbies, then squeeze his elbow when he was really excited?

Did you ask about all his interests and passions, then listen with full attention without interrupting him when he rambled on?

Did you rub his arm, hand or back?  Did you have an amazing makeout session?  Did you rock his world in the sack?

The point is this: There’s always room for improvement.

Now if you’re making him feel like a million bucks and he still walks off for someone who treats him poorly, is that your problem?  Nosirreebob it’s not.  You’re only responsible for your stupidity, not that of others.

In the meantime, you can still work on being truly irresistible.  Then when Mr Right comes along who can appreciate you for the fine-feathered creature that you are, you’re ready.

So, in summary: let your fulfillment be your guide.  Suspend judgment indefinitely.  And work on yourself in a way that the process is its own reward.

If you’d like more ideas on how to do these things (and a whole lot more), I highly recommend that you get yourself a copy of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible if you haven’t already.  You’ll be glad you did.  In fact, I’m so sure of it that I guarantee it.

My comments will be in italics henceforth.

Chapter 2: Who You Really Are

I read this chapter by candlelight while soaking in my tub last Thursday evening. It made such an impact that I have taken a week to marinate in the thoughts and the emotions that those thoughts stirred. I was already coping with the realization that it may not be the men in LA that are the problem, but the problem may just lie within me.

AB: To be perfectly fair, LA is a tough town to date in, and frankly the boys (and girls) in this city are a bit strange.  I wouldn’t be exaggerating if I said this is the toughest dating environment I’ve lived in.  That said, there are 12 million folks here, so let’s not let that be an excuse to abdicate our own power and leave our fulfillment to chance.  You earn the right to complain only after you’ve gotten your own house in order.

Since I finished that chapter I went through quite a few positive changes. But more importantly, I took a step back and really started to look at those relationships that I have, and for whatever reason, have continued to maintain despite them not being healthy. Some were downright parasitic, but because of the fear of completely letting go, I kept them.

The MINUTE I got out of the tub, I went straight to my laptop and started the REAL “cleansing”. I find it fitting that I happen to start this experiment on the eve of spring; A natural time for cleansing and new growth. The pruning started with the social networking sites that have been the only source of information to several of the past prospects in my life. I deleted and blocked those unhealthy relationships. I cannot move forward if I keep looking back. As much as we would like to think we are grown adults and have some self control, I will be the first to admit that I profile stalk. Why would I want to find/see a reminder as to why I am not with this person?? Why would I want them to see that I am finally moving on, only to then call me and ask me out? I refuse to be my own saboteur so, I removed the temptation.

I then moved to my cell phone. I found all the “Mr. Wrongs” who had come in and out of my life and who still linger but offer no future value. I changed all of their names to “Do NOT answer”. That way, when/if they call again, I can send to VM, then immediately delete message without listening. (Okay, I know that last part will be TOUGH, but I will try).

AB: This is brilliant, and an essential step in getting your own house in order.  One of the pernicious ways in which scarcity-consciousness manifests is through holding on to excess baggage.  I mean, gawrsh, you just never know — on the off chance that he’ll call this fiscal quarter, I should hold on to his phone number.  Hell no!  Those who value your company seek it out, and you should only spend time with those who value your company.  When you’re willing to let go of the chaff, you’re declaring to your unconscious (and the universe) “I am complete without this.”  Creative destruction means making room for the new, better stuff.

I have already had a few ask what happened, but feel little need to explain. For once I am going to be selfish and think about myself. No explanation required. Now is the time for change.

AB: The toughest thing is to do is to let go of those so-called friends who are energy drains.  Do it — it’ll make you feel 1000x better.

Here are some of the other tips to bring more anatta into my life that Dr. Alex suggested and how I am applying them.

1. Meditation: I downloaded the meditation that Dr. Alex has included in the book for guided mediations that I can do when I have 15 minutes or even while sitting in my car between meetings. I even started with the hong-sau meditation in my tub that night…as goofy as I felt initially, it did eventually offer me some calmness and was quite gratifying towards the end of the 10 minute exercise. (I know it suggested 15 mins, but I was in a tub and only had so much time before I started to prune).

What really motivated me was the concept that “we tend to get more of what we focus on, to the point that you may even become what you focus on” that Dr. Alex points out. If I can focus on clearing my mind of the negative and only focusing on the positive, that will be a step in the right direction. Although, aren’t we supposed to not think when we meditate?? I thought we were supposed to clear the mind of what ails us. I will definitely have to work on the meditation thing.

2. Do Yoga: I am going to do Yoga at least twice a week. I went for the first time yesterday, after a nearly 6 month hiatus from the gym. I actually did quite well, but I am feeling muscles today that I didn’t even know I had and they are bitching that I had the nerve to try to do all those crazy advanced poses and balances without giving them any warning!

3. Use the Reminder Technique: One month. March 1st-April 1st. Fasting.

“That gnawing hunger you experience in the pit of your belly is a reminder to be a better kind of person all day long.”

Mind you, I’m an eater. I am not a salad type of girl. Well, unless it is accompanied by a hearty entree! But thankfully, I am blessed with a great metabolism and a laundry list of activities that keep me fit. I am also not doing one of those crazy celebrity lemonade fasts. I am sticking to lots of organic veggies and fruits, whey protein isolate shakes, raw nuts, and one lean protein meal with small portion of complex carbohydrate and lots of veggies, per day. I’ve also given up desserts for Lent. Interesting since I’ve never been all that religious, but have in the past year really gotten back in touch with my spirituality and have had some pretty meaningful conversations with the Big Guy himself.

I’m also thinking of finding a bracelet or piece of string to wear that will remind me of the concept of no-self, so that the next time I am feeling insecure I can remind myself of the Goddess I am and go introduce myself to the Hottie in the corner ;)

Manageable. I hope that at the end of this month, some of those healthy eating habits will continue. It allegedly takes 21 days to establish a habit, right?

AB: I love this girl!  The fast was just an illustrative example in the book, and I respect that she’s going all the way with this.

4. Experience Flow: I’ve been there, I’ve felt it. I know that somewhere deep inside me I have been in “that optimal state in which the task is matched to the ability”. I think lately I haven’t been challenged enough, so I am looking for ways to fix that.

5. Travel: I started that weekend. I left town. I am leaving again this weekend and hope to do so every weekend. I am tempted to take a road trip with no real destination in mind. The possibilities are limitless

Wow. This is a huge post! I just have so much to share. I have really taken a step back this last week to REALLY think about who I am and the steps that I can take to become an even better person. I’m hoping that by abandoning the old habits I leave plenty of space for new ones. Absence makes the heart wander…I am thinking greener pastures lie ahead!!

This is a remarkable post.  If any of my readers undertake even half of this regimen, their lives are bound to shift dramatically towards a lot more fulfillment and joy.   Go get ‘em, girl!

Phoenix

–noun
1. a mythical bird of great beauty fabled to live 500 or 600 years in the Arabian wilderness, to burn itself on a funeral pyre, and to rise from its ashes in the freshness of youth and live through another cycle of years: often an emblem of immortality or of reborn idealism or hope.
2. a person or thing of peerless beauty or excellence; paragon.
3. a person or thing that has become renewed or restored after suffering calamity or apparent annihilation.

How did I get here? Odds are I’m probably a lot like you or someone you know. Female, early 30’s, reside in Los Angeles, California. I think most would consider me reasonably successful given my age and well “lived”. I own my own home, financially secure, educated, and attractive enough to have once earned a living based on my appearance. I am the one that you probably ask, “why is she single?” Trust me; I hear it all the time. It’s odd since being in LA lots of people are single in their 30’s…however, in most parts of the country when people hear that I am single I feel like the Old Spinster with the pack of small dogs. (I only have one dog, by the way.)

I used to be the girl who always had a boyfriend. I went from one long term relationship to the next. The “Serial Monogamist” I was called. Once I got to college, that all stopped. Suddenly I was too focused to be bothered with a boyfriend. I was there on scholarship and had to maintain a 3.3 GPA in addition to working several jobs. Who had time to date?

After college I had two long term relationships that lasted 2+ years, but I knew that I had yet to find “the One”. I never was much of a hunter. I suppose if someone was persistent enough and willing to deal with my career focus, I would date them. It wasn’t until my last relationship that I really started to think long term.

We dated for nearly 2 years. Bought a place together (well, I bought it, but he helped fix it up and lived in it with me) and were practically married. Then things fell apart and I got my heart broken. This was 5 years ago and I suppose that is another reason why I remained single all this time…still mending a broken heart. I kept thinking that I wasn’t emotionally ready to be in a relationship. I dated, but once things got too close I would inevitably pull away.

If I don’t let people get close they can’t hurt me, right? Not an ideal way to live, but it was safe. I liked safe.

But here I am now. I am ready. I want to find “the One”. I am emotionally healthy (at least I finally feel I am) and ready to at least put myself out there. I know that I want to be in a loving and stable relationship and I will never get there if I don’t actually take some initiative.

That brings me to how I got to this blog. I am a personal friend of Dr. Alex Benzer. During a recent event he had brought The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Embracing Your Inner Goddess and Finding Fulfillment You Deserve. As I thumbed through the pages looking for the juiciest morsels of information I suggested that he find someone to actually test out the theories in the book and blog about them. Like a Sex and the City for the relationship challenged. Little did I know that in making that statement I had essentially volunteered myself as the first subject.

What do I have to lose? Nothing, but I have everything to gain. Clearly my own tactics and strategies have not worked, since I am still single and would prefer to not be. I am constantly told that I am a great catch, but seem to lose interest in the guys who show interest in me, and vice versa. I’m sure that I am probably making the same mistakes a lot of women make, but never really took the time to figure out why.

I do not have a problem finding dates. I do have a problem finding meaningful connections with the guys I date. I am assertive and dominant in my professional life, but when it comes to dating I am very old fashioned and perhaps even timid. I’m thinking if applying the techniques and strategies in this book can help me, odds are it can help anyone. Not that I’m a lost cause, but because I have tried in vain for quite some time to find a meaningful relationship in one of the most difficult cities to date, Los Angeles.

So there you have it. I am inviting you to join me on my quest and welcome your comments. My inner Goddess awaits and is looking forward to that elusive fulfillment that I so deserve. I am the Phoenix. Hear me roar.

Dear Dr. Benzer,

Some helpful and thought-provoking points below. I’m very impressed. I’ve written a few questions in response. Sorta rhetorical but if you have any thoughts, I’d be very interested to hear them….
You say “Now it’s possible that your long-term fulfillment is in having a committed relationship with a man that’s heading towards marriage.”

If fulfillment is a feeling, not an idea, then how do know an idea will really fulfill you – if you’ve never felt it?

Let’s say that filet mignon is marriage, or a committed relationship. How do you know that filet mignon is right for you? You can deduce that you might enjoy it, based on the precedent set by your species in the form of millions of happily married or committed couples eating filet mignon, but until you’ve finally chomped down into that first supposedly succulent bite, how can you know if if that’s what you should be aiming for? I *think* I am very happy eating my Independence-flavored ice cream. BUT it’s hard to fully enjoy it when society tells me I should be trying to get myself some filet mignon.

You also say “But if you *are* cool with dating around and having fun, then go ahead and be cool with it.”

Dating around – traditionally, women aren’t supposed to date/sleep around just for fun. Society tells me, my religion has told me, health reasons tell me, and therefore I tell myself, that I will be a lesser woman if I do this. If you’re going to be marched through the fiery gates of hell for something, best to avoid it. If you’re going to die a miserably death from an STD, best avoid it. If you’re going to be talked about in hushed, sympathetic voices by your friends for being single the rest of your life, best avoid it.

How do I get to a point where I’m ‘cool’ with just dating (does this mean ’sleeping’ ?) around, when my sources tell me I should want otherwise? I recently ruined a relationship and scared the guy away by trying to force commitment before we were ready for it – I knew we weren’t ready for it, but I asked for exclusivity because that’s what I felt I should do (or…maybe it’s really what I wanted but I don’t want to admit that to myself). In reality, it shouldn’t have mattered – we were both quite enjoying the ice cream…and I ruined the flavor with talk of filet mignon.
- Suzie E. from D.C.

Well, Suzie. Thanks for writing in. Your letter brings up a lot of questions, and I’ll see if I can address each one individually.

You say “Now it’s possible that your long-term fulfillment is in having a committed relationship with a man that’s heading towards marriage.”
If fulfillment is a feeling, not an idea, then how do know an idea will really fulfill you – if you’ve never felt it?

Suzie, that’s very well put, and exactly the point. The only guide for fulfillment is how you feel. Things like companionship, warmth, love, someone to cuddle with, someone to share brunch with — these evoke fulfillment-related feelings. They’re a little different for each person. As the passage said, it’s possible that a long-term committed relationship is fulfilling for you. It’s also possible that it’s not. Find out what works for you.

If you like your independence-flavored ice cream, by all means continue. At the same time, life is a never-ending process of growth. You’re either growing, or you’re dying (with stasis another form of dying). Growth means expanding beyond your comfort zone, because everything you want is outside of your comfort zone — otherwise you’d already have it and wouldn’t want it. I discuss this on page 159 of The Tao of Dating for Women, and it’s one of big themes of the book.

Some of the greatest pleasures in life — like sushi, alcohol and sex — are acquired tastes (i.e. most people aren’t crazy about them on the first try). Unless you try them, you’ll never know about these potential sources of fulfillment.

At the same time, marriage ain’t no panacea, and if it were that great, over 50% of people wouldn’t bail from it partway through.

You also say “But if you *are* cool with dating around and having fun, then go ahead and be cool with it.”

Dating around – traditionally, women aren’t supposed to date/sleep around just for fun. Society tells me, my religion has told me, health reasons tell me, and therefore I tell myself, that I will be a lesser woman if I do this. If you’re going to be marched through the fiery gates of hell for something, best to avoid it. If you’re going to die a miserably death from an STD, best avoid it. If you’re going to be talked about in hushed, sympathetic voices by your friends for being single the rest of your life, best avoid it.

First of all, dating around is whatever it means to you, not anyone else. You can date three guys at the same time and not sleep with any or all of them — it’s up to you. What’s always true is that you get better at something the more you do it. The more you date, the better you figure out what fits in your life, what you want, who’s compatible with you, what you will and will not tolerate, where your fulfillment lies.

Fulfillment is not about society being cool with you. It’s about you being cool with you. Accept you, and the rest will follow. Chapter 30 of the Tao Te Ching (Stephen Mitchell translation):

The Master does her job
And then stops.
She understands that the universe
Is forever out of control,
And that trying to dominate events
Goes against the current of the Tao.
Because she believes in herself,
She doesn’t try to convince others.
Because she is content with himself,
She doesn’t need others’ approval.
Because she accepts herself,
The whole world accepts her.

‘Society’ does not exist; it’s a mental construct. It’s a bunch of opinions, all going around in different directions that end up canceling each other out, leaving you with net nothing. But if you focus on a particular sector of it — eg NPR vs Fox — then that’s what you hear as ’society’. You get more of what you focus on, so if you focus on the darkness, that’s what you get. If you focus more on the joy, the sacred communion, the opportunity for growth, you’ll get more of that.

So let go of the cacophonous voices — society, family, so-called ‘friends’ — and figure out what YOU want. What makes you happy, Suzie? From one human being to another, I’ll say you probably enjoy good companionship, stimulating conversation, hot sex, feeling the world through your senses, sharing your compassion, being cared for, caring for those you love, etc. As long as you’re not in it to hurt yourself or hurt others, there’s no judgment.

I recently ruined a relationship and scared the guy away by trying to force commitment before we were ready for it – I knew we weren’t ready for it, but I asked for exclusivity because that’s what I felt I should do (or…maybe it’s really what I wanted but I don’t want to admit that to myself). In reality, it shouldn’t have mattered – we were both quite enjoying the ice cream…and I ruined the flavor with talk of filet mignon.

Fulfillment is a feeling above all. It’s not a person, and it’s not a concept. That’s another one of the central themes of The Tao of Dating for Women — so important that it gets established in the very first chapter. To trade the feeling for the concept is to trade ice cream for a picture of ice cream, real food for a menu of food.

Now if you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you want to get married soon and this isn’t the right guy and you don’t have time to waste, then by all means move on. But if that’s not on the agenda and you’re both having fun, then nobody loses by continuing to enjoy one another’s company.

This commitment issue is a slightly different topic from the rest of the letter, but here’s the thing: freedom to a man is life. Asking for (or forcing) commitment or exclusivity is just a euphemism for restricting his freedom and imprisoning him. You may ‘get’ a guy that way and may think you’ve ‘won’ in the process. But all you’ve got in fact is a reluctant prisoner. And that’s not going to be a very fun person to be around in the long run.

I refer you to Chapter 36 of the Tao Te Ching:

If you want to shrink something,
You must first allow it to expand.
If you want to get rid of something,
You must first allow it to flourish.
If you want to take something,
You must first allow it to be given.
This is called the subtle perception
Of the way things are.

The soft overcomes the hard.
The slow overcomes the fast.
Let your workings remain a mystery.
Just show people the results.

You can never win by asking a guy for commitment. You can’t win by demanding exclusivity. There are two things you can do, however.
You can say, hey, look — I really like you, I enjoy your company, and if we’re going to continue, I just need to know that it’s just you and me, because that’s the kind of environment that I can really flourish in and make a relationship grow and go deep. If that’s not your dish, I totally understand, and good luck to you, kid.

A guy totally gets that, and if he’s really into you, he’ll do some hard thinking. And if he’s not that into you, you find out immediately and cut your losses. Either way, you win.

You can also be the kind of woman who is so loving, so compassionate, so elevating, so supportive, so amazing in the sack, so all-around awesome that he wouldn’t even want to be with anyone else. And then, the thing that you wanted to take will be offered to you. That is the way of the Tao: it looks like effortless grace on the surface (“Oh look, every guy just falls for her”) with a backing of deep wisdom and hard work.

Thanks for your attention. There are entire chapters devoted to some of these concepts in The Tao of Dating for Women, and you can get your own copy this week.