Lately, I’ve been teaching a monthlong mentoring program for the men entitled The Metamorphosis Program.

We keep a certain amount of material in the course secret for two reasons: it works better when it comes at you as a surprise; and mystery makes the course look cool.

Kidding aside, I do want to share with you one thing that I teach in the course.  Namely, the answer to the question, “Who are you really?”

One of the three answers I suggest is “You are a conduit for the abundance of the universe.”

If you’re sufficiently confused by that answer to be thinking, “Umm, English please, doc,” then you’re on the right track.

Allow me to illustrate by continuing the story.  If you’ve ever been to Trader Joe’s here in the US, one of their nifty features is that they always have a ‘freebie corner’ where they’re giving away free samples.

Most of the time it’s something that I don’t eat, but on this particular afternoon, they had samples of a chicken tikka masala.  And it smelled gooood.

So I stood in line, and right behind me was a mother with her toddler sitting right in the shopping cart.  The kid was getting a little antsy about the food, and mom was doing her best to calm him down.

My turn came, and the Trader Joe’s lady handed me my small plate with the free sample.  And, seeing how I was not in a hurry, I handed it to the mom: “Here you go.”

The mom totally lit up with a heartfelt ‘thank you’ that I felt in my bones, all out of proportion to the gesture . A few seconds later I had my plate (delicious, by the way) and we were both on our merry shopping way again.

Now it’s not like I donated a zillion bucks to cure malaria here and Pope Benedict is going to fast-track my application to sainthood (which would actually require that I die first, so really – no thanks).  I just passed on a free sample to someone who was behind me in line, who would have gotten it anyway in about 30 seconds.

But the reaction I got was all out of proportion to the deed – and it made *my* day.  And perhaps made her feel good, too.

Now this story is a perfect demonstration of your being a conduit for the abundance of the universe.  Let me explain.

The chicken sample was not really mine.  It was a free sample to begin with.  So I never really owned it.

By giving it away, I wasn’t losing anything, because I knew there was more of that where it came from.

And, lo and behold, when I gave it away, more did come my way, with interest: the mom & kid’s gratitude, and the little warming of my heart.

Well, guess what, boys and girls: that’s true of any kind of possession and giving in life.

You think you own stuff?  Think again.  You’re born naked and you leave the same way.  Can’t take it with you, chief. And if the economic crisis of the past year has taught us anything, it’s “easy come, easy go.”

You can’t own stuff.  But stuff can definitely own you.

Even if you had paid for the chicken, what makes it ‘yours’?

So the next time you’re thinking ‘my car’, ‘my house’, ‘my boyfriend’, ‘my girlfriend’, as if somehow there’s a stamp of ownership burning your name on that thing, you may wish to reconsider.

Because when abundance comes your way, you know that it’s just like that free sample – the bounty of the universe presenting itself to you through sheer luck.

Just as it would be silly to get too possessive of that morsel of free food once it lands in your hand – “this is my chicken now” – it would be equally silly to get hung up on any of your so-called possessions.

There is no fortune made on this earth, not one, that didn’t have to do with crazy, insane luck.  So there’s no point in getting too attached or proud about what came to you through near-miraculous accident.

By realizing that you are a perpetual conduit for this abundance — a pipeline for the bounty of the universe — you keep yourself from gumming up the works and getting in the way of your own access to abundance.

Because the abundance is infinite!  There’s far more stuff than you could consume in 10,000 lifetimes.

We’re not saying that you should make like Diogenes and give away all your earthly possessions and wear a barrel.  And by all means, protect your garden fruit from the varmints.

Just don’t get *hung up* on stuff so much that its loss can make you unhappier than its presence can make you happy.

I always find it funny when people on the road (including myself) won’t let somebody in who’s trying to merge.

What, like we’re going to run out of road or something?  Or you might get somewhere 4.3 seconds sooner?

There’s plenty of road to go around.

Now some of you who are reading this may be in tough spots right now.

And what I would say to you is act as if you really are a conduit for abundance.  Don’t let this temporary state get in the way of your generosity, your open-heartedness, your openmindedness.

Get the wheel of giving turning, in whatever small way you can, and the wheel will inevitably come back to you.  As my pastor likes to say, you can only have what you give away.

So start giving away more of that which you’d like to have! (‘Cause if you’re giving something away, it must mean you have lots of it, right?  Twisted logic, but kinda true.)

And those of you who are not experiencing privation but are still feeling constricted – let’s get you re-started here.

Start by smiling at passersby.  Then work up from there.

One of the most eloquent passages on giving comes from Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet:

“Then said a rich man, ‘Speak to us of Giving.’
And he answered:
‘You give but little when you give of your possessions.
It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.

For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow?
And tomorrow, what shall tomorrow bring to the overprudent dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city?

And what is fear of need but need itself?
Is not dread of thirst when your well is full the thirst that is unquenchable?

There are those who give little of the much which they have – and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.

And there are those who have little and give it all.
These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty.

There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.
And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism.
And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy,
And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue;
They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.

Through the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes he smiles upon the earth.’”

And that’s everyday grace, my friends.  Resolve to give of yourself daily and practice being what you really are – a conduit for abundance.  The rest will take care of itself.

The power is within you
Dr Alex

PS: Want to practice some giving right now that ain’t gonna cost you anything?  Forward this message to someone whom you think would benefit from it.

Here’s one of them:

“I really loved this article.  The way you weave the concept of no-self into the dating pipeline, examining every step of the pipeline separately is nothing short of brilliant.

My only question is how to convince yourself that you have no self.  I understand the metaphysical argument with the river molecules and the brain neuron action potentials changing constantly and all that, but how do I lose the emotional attachment?  The pride?  It would seem that if I don’t have ego, then I can’t be proud of myself for anything.

Is there a mindtrack that deals with this?”

– Michael, Los Angeles

Or this one:

“I like the idea of no-self and how you explained it in the newsletter. It makes sense how it would work for one’s benefit.

BUT how does one get to that no-self. If I just go out and imagine it, it works until the point where I’m actually about to talk to the girl b/c I KNOW that she might be critical (and I have a fear of that judgment or even what she thinks of me but doesn’t tell me). While I’m feeling one thing, my brain is still on…even I’m thinking about being disconnected from ego, my brain reacts instantly and knows that criticism might be a consequence and stops me.

So how do I get to that no-self?”

Thanks,
Anthony

You guys have proven to be a pretty deep and intelligent bunch, so we’re going to delve further into this material without pulling any punches.

You want to get your self to no-self?  Here are some ideas.

1) Meditate.

There’s an old Zen story about a student who comes to his teacher and asks earnestly, “O master, how can I achieve enlightenment?”  The teacher says, “Go in that room and meditate about a cow.  Just think about that cow with unwavering attention.”

So the student goes in the room, and meditates.  He doesn’t come out all day.  And then the next day.  And the next.  By the third day, the master gets worried, so he asks the student, “Aren’t you going to come out?”

And the student replies, “I would, but my horns won’t fit through the doorway.”

Ah yes.  You get what you focus on.  So if you concentrate on the idea of no-self diligently, it’s bound to take a toehold on your consciousness.

What we’re going for is to take the concept of no-self from state — something you feel every once in a while — to trait — something you are.

So the first question you want to ask yourself is, What are you already meditating on regularly?  Your inadequacies?  How you don’t want this one bad thing to happen?  Why the world doesn’t bend over backward to suit your whim?  Why she won’t like you?

Become aware of that meditation already running in the background, and now replace it with the meditation that will give you better results.

It may not happen overnight.  But it’s a good start, my friend.  And yes, I get the message — we’ll crank out a Mindtrack for it.  In the meantime, you can check out the other 20 Mindtracks.

Intensive meditation can also get you to a visceral understanding of the concept of no-self.  There are many organizations who have meditation retreats focused around the principles we just discussed.

2) Do yoga.

I think of yoga as a practice of moving meditation.  The more vigorous the practice — such as power yoga or vinyasa styles of yoga — the better.  Why?  Because you’ll be marshalling all your resources for breathing and balancing, leaving very little energy to attend to such trivial matters as the self.

Once again, the key is to have a regular practice.  The more you bathe yourself in this pond, the more of the old notion of self you’ll wash away.

3) Use the reminder technique.

You know how some people tie a string to their pinkie to remember something?

Actually, I’ve only seen that happen in movies and cartoons.  But the principle is a useful one: some kind of mnemonic device to get you to do something.

In Muslim cultures, for example, there’s a traditional month of fasting.  For your fast to be accepted (by whomever the fast-accepting authority happens to be), you must refrain from eating, drinking and smoking from sunup to sundown.

But wait!  There’s more.  You’re also supposed to set an intention to keep your thoughts, words and actions pure as well.  Purification of body AND mind is the point of the fast.

It turns out that the gnawing sensation in your empty tummy is a pretty good reminder of your day’s intention — at least as good as a ribbon around your pinkie.

So grab yourself one of those fancy rubber wristbands to get you to the no-self zone.  Maybe we’ll even make some for you with ‘no-self’ written in Sanskrit or Pali.

The wristband will be a reminder that today, you won’t take anything — and I mean ANYTHING — personally.  Not traffic, not surly people, not your boss who’s yelling at you — none of it is about you, since a fixed version of you does not exist.

4) Get in a flow state.

Celebrated professor of psychology Mihaly Czikszentmihaly (pronounced ‘chick sent me — hi!’) talks about the notion of flow — that optimal state in which the task is matched to the ability.  You’re stretching yourself just a little bit, so the task is challenging (vs boring) without being frustrating.

All of us experience have experienced flow at some point or another.  For a pianist, it could be the performance of a Brahms prelude.  For a basketball player, it could be that perfect behind-the-back pass down the lane.  For a surfer, it could be paddling at just the right speed to catch that wave.

Whatever it is, you’ve got to find it for you.  And start doing that thing more and more.  Why?  Because when you’re in flow, you ARE the action.  Ego dissolves, and there is no more you — there is only do.

So go ahead and sign yourself up for that thing that makes you feel like you’re in flow.

5) Get out of Dodge.

Of all of the methods listed above, this may very well be the most potent.  Much of what you think of as your identity is hooked into your environment: your dwelling, your workplace, the streets you drive, the supermarket you shop at, the drink you usually order, the people you hang out with, the clothes you wear.

Remove all those hooks, and a new version of you, or no-you, has a chance to emerge.  The more removed the locale from your everyday experience, the more likely you are to let go of the fixed notion of self.

So go hang out with some Galapagos turtles, Peruvian shamans, African springboks, and Mongolian herdsmen.  Then write us back and tell us how it went.

These are just some of the ideas we’ve been exploring in the Metamorphosis Mentorship Program.  If you find them useful, we’ll have more of them in the coming weeks.  In the meantime, the first session of the program is available for you to listen for free.  You can find that here:

www.thetaoofdating.com/metamorphosis

The power is within you,
Dr Alex