It’s 5.30pm on Friday night, and you have a date for 8pm. You’re really eager to spend time with this new guy you’ve met. He says he’s made a reservation at the hottest new restaurant in town, and you’ve been anticipating this since Monday when you agreed to go out with him. It’s the highlight of your long week.

You arrive home, put down your handbag and take off your jacket, wondering whether you’re going to wear that red off-the-shoulder number or the more subdued black dress. And shoes – which shoes… when the ringing of your phone interrupts your train of thought. It’s him. He says his boss called him in to help prepare for tomorrow’s client presentation. He cancels on you.

What’s the Right Thing to Do?

If you’ve ever dated, something like this has happened whether you’re male or female. People cancel at the last minute, change their minds, break promises, don’t show up, behave strangely, antagonize you capriciously, get moody, and ruin an otherwise perfectly nice evening.

If that were all they did, your course of action would be clear: move on, and move into a monastery. Unfortunately, those same people who behave strangely have also been known to make you happy by showing interest, showing up, and showing you a great time.

This complexity is what renders dating such a challenge. For example, in the scenario above, here are two of your potential responses to the cancellation:

Get righteously indignant. He’s cancelled at the last minute, leaving you high and dry, so you’d be fully justified. However, if you like him, he may not ask you out again if you chew him out.

Let it slide. Well, these things come up, so hey – no problem! You totally understand. But if you do that, would you be setting a precedent for allowing him to cancel again with impunity? You do want to give him a second chance without being a complete doormat. And your best friend introduced him to you, so just being nasty to him won’t do.

Which option is better? This is not a trivial question, and researchers like David Buss claim that the human brain evolved to its current gargantuan size mostly to figure out complex social questions like this.

A Solution Provided by Game Theory

I like elegant, simple solutions to complex problems, which is why I’ve based The Tao of Dating for Women (and Men) on peer-reviewed science and Eastern wisdom. That way, you have reliable strategies that you can use over and over again, knowing that they give you consistently good results.

One such strategy applicable to our scenario (and actually all human interaction) comes from game theory. A game is any situation in which you make decisions that affect other players. So in dating, even when you think you’re not playing games, by definition you are. In fact, any extended social interaction is a combination of many games over time.

A particular kind of game called the iterated prisoner’s dilemma bears particular relevance to dating. Without getting into the intricacies of this game, I just want you to know that each player in the game has a choice to either cooperate or defect – basically, to be nice or nasty. Not so surprisingly, cooperation (aka being nice) is the more effective long-term strategy (with a caveat that we’ll discuss).

In his 1984 book The Evolution of Cooperation, political scientist Robert Axelrod reported on the success of various long-term strategies when pitted against one another. He came up with some interesting findings on the nature of cooperation, one set of which I’ll summarize as the four Axelrod Criteria. They should hold you in good stead in dating, business, friendship, family dynamics and the odd international treaty negotiation:

1. Be nice.
Start by cooperating, not defecting. This generally means saying ‘yes’ instead of ‘no’. You continue to cooperate until the other person defects, at which point you need to…

2. Be provocable.
Once the other person defects, you defect, too. Your strategy is basically to do whatever the other person did in the last round. This means if the other person starts being nice again, you need to…

3. Be forgiving.
That’s right. If the other person switches back to cooperating, you start cooperating, too, and continue to do so unless provoked.

4. Be straightforward.
You’re already playing a game, so let’s not needlessly complicate matters by playing games within the game. Don’t get greedy, selfish, vindictive, or tricky just to get ahead a little. Play straight.

Life isn’t as cut-and-dried as a computer simulation, so here are some suggestions for applying this to your love life:

• If you think you’re too nice, then you should be more provocable. In the example above, this does not mean that you should set up another date and then cancel on the last minute – that just increases the total storehouse of pain in the world. It means you should get provoked now while expressing yourself clearly and elegantly.

For example, in the scenario above, you sould say something like this:
“I understand that something came up – these things happen.” You’re being compassionate and understanding. Nice, even.

“However, I had set aside this time for us and I’m really disappointed that you cancelled without enough time for me to make alternate plans for a Friday night.” Now you’re demonstrating that you’ve been provoked.

“So, if you’re interested in seeing me again, you should let me know how you’d like to make this up to me, and I’d be happy to spend time with you again.” You’re being forgiving and straightforward.

• If you tend to err on the side of meanness, practice being more forgiving. Don’t dock people forever – be provoked only in response to provocation. You don’t want to shut the door on a potentially great relationship because of just one slip-up. Give people the benefit of the doubt.

• If you tend towards passive-aggressive game playing, stop that immediately. Love is plenty complicated as it is – why make it harder for yourselves? Avoid petty drama and communicate your feelings and wishes clearly. Be straightforward.

As much as some of us would like to think it’s true, it’s not possible to reduce all of life and love to a solvable mathematical game. However, the four Axelrod Criteria of being nice, provocable, forgiving and straightforward will hold you in good stead in many difficult decisions.

Looking for more brilliant advice like this? Can’t blame ya. Get the books The Tao of Dating for Women and The Tao of Dating for Men, the dating bibles for smart folks
Got a burning question? Write me with ‘Question’ in the subject line and I’ll do my best to get back to you
For more excellent brain fodder, visit the Awaken Your Genius blog

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Yup – men are everywhere. But we’re not nearly as baffling as we seem once you understand the underlying machinery. As my fortune cookie said last night, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

So, straight out of The Tao of Dating — “the dating bible for smart women” according to my good man and ace dating coach Evan Marc Katz, and the greatest book in the world according to my mom — here’s a little primer on how to understand guys. Whether you’re single or married, this should help you relate better with half of the planet’s population, leading directly to world peace and reversing global warming instantly. So don’t just read it for yourself — read it to save the polar bears:

1) Men need to feel useful.
In the good old days of cave living and mammoth hunting, guys had essential functions: they protected the homestead and brought home the meat.

Even though modern niceties like police and Whole Foods have largely superseded those functions, men still want to be useful. You can take the man out of the cave, but you can’t take the cave out of the man.

So we try to open doors for you, even though we know you have pilates-toned biceps to do it yourself. We like to treat you to some fresh mammoth at the local diner, even though you can afford it yourself. We lend our arm when we walk together, help you install gadgets, carry suitcases. It ain’t much, but it’s all that’s left for us to do.

When a woman signals that she is so independent that she doesn’t need (or want) a man doing these things for her, the man will sulk away and find something else to make him feel useful – work, sports, poker, drinking buddies, other women.

2) Men mono-task.
The other day, I had some friends over for dinner, and one of them was trying to engage me in conversation while I was chopping salad. After a minute of stilted conversation and impaired chopping, I had to shoo him away and resume the chopping solo, lest I lose a fingertip.

There are structural differences between the brains of men and women. A woman’s corpus callosum is 20 percent bigger than that of a man, so maybe the increased traffic she can handle between her right and left hemispheres allows her to multitask better. All I know is that we guys can barely talk and eat at the same time. We can’t talk and drive. And we certainly shouldn’t be allowed to talk and cook, unless you want some extra fingertip in your salad.

3) Men are hornier than women.
Let’s assume that evolution designed us to perpetuate our genes. Now ask yourself: what’s the maximum number of children a man and a woman could have in a year if each had sex with a different person every day? The answer makes it immediately obvious that, in the genetic lottery, a man stands to gain a lot more than a woman by having multiple sexual partners.

In short, men behave like sperm; women behave like eggs. Sperm are plentiful, easily regenerated and cheap. Eggs are scarce, finite and expensive. So women are gatekeepers while men storm the barricades. Is this good? Is this bad? Neither. It just is. And someone please tell me why I feel like having an omelet now.

4) Men prefer to be taller, richer and smarter than the women they date.
A study showed that 84 percent of men won’t date a woman who’s better educated than himself. Similar numbers apply to wealthier and taller women. This means that somewhere, there are legions of rich, smart, tall women left all by their lonesome – tragic indeed. Except for the men who like rich, smart, tall women. My email’s below.

5) Men like to be heard.
Yeah, we like to ramble. We’ve got stories about our new gadget, the game last night, Samuel Johnson, the Large Hadron Collider. Oh, and we’ve got opinions – about everything. You’re free for the rest of the month, right?

As such, we’re used to being interrupted. But if you’re the woman who’s patient and savvy enough to let us ramble without interruption, then we will probably want to have you around more often.

6) Men don’t pay much attention to what women wear.
Most straight men can’t tell the difference between $30 shoes and a $300 pair. We are also oblivious to the way women artfully match their belts, handbags and dresses with said shoes. Frankly, it’s all wrapping paper to us. Far more interesting is the present underneath. Is it Christmas yet?

As long as a woman’s clothes are clean and present her well without obscuring essential information (e.g. “Is that an empire waist dress or is she just pregnant?”), we’re much more interested in the contents of her clothes than the clothes themselves – the body for sure, and if she keeps our attention, the mind and spirit, too. That said…

7) Men are shallow when it comes to women’s looks.
We care about women’s looks – a lot. Shiny hair, hourglass figure, clear skin draw us in. Scientists say those are proxies for health, youth and fertility, or what guys call ‘hotness.’ Studies say hotness peaks around age 21. So if a woman in her 30s who wants children wonders why guys in their 30s date children, that’s why.

Now, a woman seems to have the gift of making a man who makes her feel good look good. Guys tend to operate differently. We either find you appealing or not.

We may be shallow, but we’re connoisseurs of our shallowness. Most of us tend to have a type we find attractive and stick to it for better or for worse. A man’s type may change over time, but there’s no guarantee, and it can’t be induced to change. Which brings us to…

8) Men don’t change much after age 18.
What I’ve noticed in my years in the personal change business is how little people shift in their habits and attitudes over time. A 60-year-old runs the same programs he learned when he was a kid. Therefore, trying to change a man is a futile endeavor unless you’re a hypnotherapist and he’s paying you to do it.

When a woman picks a man as a companion, she accepts the whole package without line-item vetoes. If she’s lucky, he’ll be doing the same for her, so it ends up being a pretty fair deal.

9) Men rise or fall to your level of expectation of them.
Of course, right after I tell you that men don’t change, I come out and tell you that they do — a little bit. Most men are afraid to admit it, but we’re basically here to please women. If you hold him to low standards — it’s okay if he shows up late, forgets a birthday, isn’t ambitious — he will meet those standards. Conversely, if you expect reliability, loyalty and greatness from him, that’s what he’ll deliver.

May you find these useful. And if you have some of your own observations for understanding men and saving polar bears, do share them below.

More insights on men & a foolproof program for finding, meeting, attracting & keeping the good ones in The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible
Write to me directly. I do my best to answer all questions. Put ‘Question’ in the subject line and please keep it under 2 paragraphs

Today, I’m going to talk about technique #3 – obliterating friction.

This is the idea of getting rid of friction permanently.

Permanently?  Yes, permanently.

In Taoism, this is called wu wu-wei – doing not doing.  Basically, all actions follow naturally from the core of your being.  You never get in your own way, and if there’s an obstacle, you flow around it instead of getting hung up on it.

‘Being like water’ is a metaphor that I use a lot in The Tao of Dating for Men. It’s all about the principle of effortless flow.

Now, I’ve gotta warn ya, buddy – this ain’t easy.  This is a lifetime’s work.  I’ll tell you right here, right now: I have no quick fixes for this.

Sure, I can lead you through a guided meditation and you’ll feel like the River Amazon for a few hours or maybe a day after.  We’ll do that in the Approach Clinic.

That’s the state of flow.  The goal is to get you the trait of flow.  So it’s a permanent resident of your neurology.

What I can do is to get you started on a practice that will get you there.  Think of me as a personal trainer for your brain.

I can give you the workout.  I can assign the nutritional plan.  And yes, all of them work – when you apply yourself to them.  I can’t be standing there over your shoulder telling you to do every workout or keeping you eating healthy.  I guess I could, but you wouldn’t be able to afford me

What I can do is get you started on a lifelong program of meditative practice so you get to that state of effortless grace eventually.

The Japanese call it shibumi.  The Italians call it sprezzatura.  I call it the State of Awesome.

So here’s a simple meditation practice to get you started.

Get a cushion and put it on the floor, arm’s length from the wall.  Sit cross-legged facing the wall.  Do lotus position if you can; no worries if you can’t.  Look straight ahead or slightly down.  Feel free to defocus your gaze if it’s easier like that.

Put the palm of your right hand under your left hand, and touch the thumbs together.  Put the hands in your lap at navel level or so.

Set a timer for 20min and begin.  If thoughts come, just acknowledge them and let them go.  There will be a lot of them – no worries.  Just sit.

This is the essence of zazen – zen meditation practice.  Simple.  Straightforward.  Utterly transformative when done regularly.

‘When done regularly’ is a big thing.  If you eat a Big Mac every day, you will eventually get fat and sick.  If you read men’s magazines every week, you will feel jittery and inadequate.  If you meditate every day, you will get to the State of Awesome.

If you want more on meditation and friction, I refer you to this outstanding video of Shinzen Young, courtesy of Google Tech Talks.  It’s about an hour long, and quite possibly the most beneficial hour you’ll spend this week:

Shinzen Young: Divide and Conquer — How the Essence of Mindfulness Parallels the Nuts & Bolts of Science

Another thing you can do to obliterate friction is mono-tasking.  Or mindfulness.  Do only one thing at a time at all times.

If you’re eating, eat.  Savor the food.  Feel yourself chewing it.  Experience all the flavors and textures inside your mouth.  No reading.  No talking.  No gawking.  Just eating.

If you’re walking, just walk.  No talking on the phone.  If you’re talking on the phone, talk.  Stop driving, pull over, and just talk (this advice may very well save your life).

‘Distracted from distraction by distraction’ — that’s what T.S. Eliot said in his immortal work Four Quartets, and it was his description of modernity.  In the 1940s.

Since then, it’s all gotten 10,000 times worse with the advent of TV, cable, radio, internet, Twitter, Facebook, Crackberries and iPhones.

Your mission, if you choose to accept it and strive for the State of Awesome, is de-fragmentation your attention.  Consolidate.

I gave you two ways of doing that in this article: zazen and monotasking.  I’ll elaborate on those and give you more in the Approach Clinic. Sign up here, and use the ‘APPROACH’ discount coupon code to get $60 off, making the class a mere $39.95.

And you thought it was all about meeting girls.  Ha.

The power is within you

AB

Seems like we touched a nerve there, since so many of you signed up for the Approach Clinic before even knowing what time it was happening.

Good to know the natives are hungry.

Well then. I’m happy to serve, so let’s deliver some more.

In the last piece, posted on the blog yesterday, I talked about 3 ways of handling friction:

1) Bypass it.
2) Overcome it.
3) Remove it entirely.

The techniques I will share with you in the Approach Clinic will fall under these three categories.

To give you a preview of each method – you bypass friction by using your head cleverly.

You overcome friction by setting up physiological responses that give you a surge (or erase your thoughts) when you need to. We’ll be using some hypnosis and NLP techniques for this.

You remove friction through meditative techniques.

Today, I’m going to tell you a little about bypassing.

The simplest way, of course, is to act fast. This is because, contrary to popular belief, thinking often precedes feeling.

One of the most fascinating things you could see on TV around 11 September 2001 was the interviews with people on the street. The reporter would approach random people and ask them how they felt. Many responded like this:

“I don’t know how to feel.”

Think about that, because it’s pretty profound. “I don’t know how to feel.”

Well of course you don’t. It’s not like some switch from the outside world plugs into your brain and tells you how to feel! Unless you stubbed your toe or got knifed in the stomach, you get to interpret events and choose how to feel.

The ‘know’ precedes the feeling. You have to *think* about how to feel! Feeling isn’t necessarily automatic!

Certain scenarios have occurred with enough frequency such

that you’ve made a pretty good circuit for automatic behavior.

Just the other day, I was in a church service when a phone went off with my old ringtone on it. Immediately, I got hyperattentive, started to look for my phone to turn the ringer off, felt the beginnings of shame… then realized that my ringtone is different. AND my phone’s in the car.

Sure we’ve got free will. Uh-huh.

99% of people are in a robotic fog 99% of the time, responding to their enviroment like Pavlov’s dogs to a tuning fork. You cut me off? I flip you off. You insult me? I insult you back. You’re a pretty girl? I’ll get afraid real quick so I can’t talk to you.

You don’t have to be one of the automatons, brother.

But if we’re so good at behaving robotically, why not program the robot to do things that are good for us? Like exercising regularly, eating our vegetables, and talking to pretty girls whenever we feel like it?

So here’s the simplest bypass technique I know: go say hi to her before you have a chance to think about it. Call it the ‘just do it’ technique, the ‘3-second rule’, or whatever the hell else you want to.

You count one one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand, and by four one thousand you’d better be talking to her.

This works.

Another bypass technique involves changing your physiology such that you never have a chance to create friction in the first place.

One that I talk about extensively in the Metamorphosis Program and will share with you in the Approach Clinic is called ‘going into the state of the bond.’

Basically, you imagine that you’re about to bump into your best bud whom you haven’t seen in eons, and go into that state. That super-friendly version of you has no trouble approaching women at all.

There’s also ‘host physiology’ – acting as if you own the joint. The host has carte blanche to speak to anyone he wants — “Hey there, having a good time? Thanks for making it to the party.” So, if you’re not hosting your own party (always a good idea), then pretend you are. We’ll be going even deeper into that in the Clinic.

That’s three bypass techniques for ya. I’ll talk about overcoming and obliterating techniques later this week.

I have no problem giving away all this stuff because the Approach Clinic is 90 min of me talking away, which is about 45 pages worth of stuff. And guided meditation, hypnosis and other tools which are impossible to convey in print.

So go test out the stuff I’ve given you so far, and then join me in the Approach Clinic next Tuesday, 9 March at 6pm PT/9pm ET. We’ll record it for your future reference so you can reinforce the learnings at your leisure.

My plan is to help you solve this issue once and for all such that it becomes your secret weapon, the bazooka in your back pocket – and a cornerstone of your growth as a man.

You can still use the coupon to get $60 off the $99.95 tuition. Just enter ‘APPROACH’ as the coupon code when you’re signing up for the clinic, and it’s $39.95. You can do it here: Register for the Approach Clinic, yo

The power is within you,
Dr Alex

PS: If there’s one social skill that can turn around your entire love life, it’s your ability to meet new women. The more of them you meet, the more options you have, the less needy you’ll act, and the more confident you’ll act. If you’re ready to turn this part of your life around, the Approach Clinic is an excellent start: http://bit.ly/cdJomw

PPS: In the next piece, I’m going to talk about the book that’s required reading for the Clinic and will re-mold your brain — if you let it. Stay tuned.

Her name was Emma. She was also 19, with an irresistible English accent and very cute to boot. I was pretty sure that I was going to marry her.

Except that she dumped me, pulverizing my heart into nanoparticles. It was the only time in my life that I got depressed: poor sleep, suppressed appetite, lotsa Kafka. It kinda sucked.

The next kiss didn’t come for another 4 years, when I was in medical school. That’s also when my career as a professional virgin came to an end. To understate things, I was a late bloomer in the realm of romance.

I wasn’t stupid or ugly. No hermit, either – knew most people on campus. No, I was just clueless.

Turns out that the skill set required to navigate the tricky waters of romantic interaction wasn’t in any book I had read or any class I had taken. Mom, dad, the sex-ed teacher – none of them had taught me any of this stuff.

This is a serious omission, since our relationships with others are the biggest determinants of happiness in our lives. And it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that most people’s lives revolve around their primary love relationship.

So towards the end of med school, I started to read some pertinent books and hanging out with guys savvier than me in this dating realm. Slowly, I caught on that everything I knew about dating and women was wrong.

A few years later, right about when I was a pre-med advisor to Harvard undergraduates, I noticed that my friends and advisees were in a similar pickle. Here were smart, funny, good-looking guys surrounded by single women who were dying to be asked out – and not a whole lot was happening.

See, I like smart people. Smart people created nearly everything that I value – Beethoven’s late string quartets, my HP laser printer, Feynman’s lectures, Four Quartets, and Zippy (my Prius*). I like to see smart people succeed — even created a blog for smart people.

That’s why I wrote The Tao of Dating for Men. Why should anyone suffer like I did? Clues cure cluelessness, so I provided some clues for the smart boys.

But the big reason why this is important is that I’ve seen entire lives derailed by romantic maladroitness.

I was pretty lucky to bounce back after a couple of months.  Other friends weren’t so fortunate.

One of them, Victor, who is my age, is a superbly gifted man – equally talented in both literary and scientific realms.  Since the bastard was smarter than me, I predicted he would go on to do great things.

He fell in love with the tall, blonde and comely Kristin in his sophomore year.  The tumultuous relationship turned out to be his undoing.  He ended up flunking out of his classes (really hard to do at Harvard – trust me) and being asked to take a leave of absence.

He’s doing okay now, happily ensconced in a stimulating career and engaged to a woman he loves.  However, I can’t help but think how things would have turned out differently had his brilliant academic career not been derailed by romantic woes.  Could he have been a world-class physicist, a literature professor, a top-notch entrepreneur, a Nobel contender?  Who knows.

Another example is Mariana, currently a junior at Harvard (yes, she’s a girl, but the story still applies).  She had one of the most impressive high school resumes going into college, having aced 20 Advanced Placement (AP) exams.  For those of you a bit removed from the rubrics of high school achievement, just know that it’s kind of a big deal.

Once again, I predicted great things for her.  And once again, a romance gone awry felled a rising star.  After her breakup, Mariana flunked out of her classes and was asked to take a leave of absence.  She’s back in the saddle again, and at the age of 20, she has most of her life ahead of her.

So this goes out to all my boys out there at places like Harvard, Princeton, Yale, Stanford, MIT, Columbia, Duke, Swarthmore, Penn, Cornell, Berkeley, Brown, Dartmouth, Oxford, and Cambridge. To all you who work at the likes of Google, Amazon, Microsoft, D.E. Shaw, McKinsey — all the geeks, nerds, grad students, techies, hackers, engineers and gadgeteers. It goes out to all the 20-year old virgins, the still-unmarried 45-year olds, and the already-divorced 30-year olds who don’t know what hit them.

I’ve seen a lot of preventable train wrecks out there, so let’s make sure the right information gets to people at the right time.  If there were a dating bible for the smart man, these would be its commandments:

1. Don’t just wait to get lucky – make stuff happen.

As a teenager, I always wondered, when would it happen for me? When would some beautiful girl walk off the pages of Maxim, take me by the hand, look deep into my eyes, appreciate all my wonderful quirks and make out with me torridly?

Wake up, buddy. You create your own luck. If you like a girl, talk to her and ask her out. You don’t expect to ace an exam just by getting lucky, do you? So step up and put in some elbow grease.

As a man, on the dance floor of romance, your job is to lead.  So advancing the interaction isn’t just a good idea — it’s your duty.  Which brings us to…

2. Have a spine.

Wimpiness may be the root of all the dating woes of smart men. I can’t tell you in how many pernicious ways this manifests in the love lives of men.  The deadliest part is that if you don’t work on having that spine and end up with a woman anyway, it’s a setup for failure downstream.  She’ll either own you or get tired of the spinelessness and leave.

So quit being chicken already. Ask her out (again). Set up the whole date: where, when, how, and in what outfit. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want or to get righteously indignant when warranted. Have strong boundaries. Worry less about offending people, more about having fun.  Oh, and learn how to say ‘no’.

3. Be comfortable in your own skin.

You’re a science geek? Fine. You love computers, baseball cards, classical music, anime? Fine. You’re a horny little devil? Fine. Own it! Quit fighting yourself.

People only love us for who you are, not who we pretend to be.  So that nonchalant facade you’re carrying around, the show you put on, all your efforts to fit in — chuck ‘em.  Because even if the ploy works and you end up with someone, eventually she’ll catch on to the real you.  And if the store is different from the storefront, she’ll walk, and you lose anyway.

I know it’s fashionable amidst the smart set to be dissatisfied with yourself and to keep striving for more, bigger, best.  Hey, I’m all for growth.  However, women will tell you that there’s nothing more attractive in a man than self-acceptance (which is not the same as complacency). So start where you are, and keep on growing. When you accept yourself, the world accepts you.

4. Accept the nonlinearity of women and romance.

As guys, a lot of what we did in physics and math class was to try to straighten crooked stuff out. Model it with an equation. Do a linear regression. Simplify variables. Round things off.

But you know what? They were all approximations anyway. And most things in life don’t follow linear equations – not your breath, not your heartbeat, not your Apple stock, and most certainly not women and romance. It’s nonlinear! It’s chaotic! It’s crazy!

So don’t come and tell me that women don’t make sense to you.  That’s a bit like saying water is wet.  Unlike thermodynamics, women are not intuitively obvious**. Sometimes she’ll come to you when you ignore her and leave when you declare your undying love – deal with it. Women have curves — that’s why we like ‘em. Love is paradoxical and counterintuitive. Realize that and work with it, not against it.

That’s the essence of Taoist thought: observing the world as it is, instead of wishing it to be as we want it.

5. Quit trying to buy your way into a woman’s favor.

This is how it works in the movies: the man does nice things for the lady – buys her dinner, presents – and the lady likes him in return.  It may also be how your mom told you to court a lady.

Newsflash: life is not a movie. And I’m guessing your mom never courted a lady successfully.  Of the two dozen reasons I can think for why this protocol sucks, here’s one: you’re trying to bribe her into liking you. And bribes don’t work! They’re given before the desired behavior has ever happened, so she has no incentive to like you. In fact, many times it has the opposite effect: “Why is this guy kissing my ass when he doesn’t even know me?”

In neurological terms, you want to give a positive reinforcer – like a present – after someone exhibits a desirable behavior. That increases the frequency of that behavior in the future. When you give the positive reinforcer before the desirable behavior, you reinforce nothing. So you’re increasing the likelihood of getting – nothing.

Here’s a second reason: the subtext of your action is that somehow your company isn’t enough, and you need to sweeten the deal with something else.  What if you were so cool, so fun to be around, such an uplifting presence that women would be willing to treat you and buy you stuff?  Wouldn’t that be an interesting world to inhabit?  Chew on that.

6. Quit thinking girls should like you because you’re smart.

A smart guy values smarts above all – and thinks the rest of the world does, too. So he’s bewildered when the jock/frat boy gets the girl and he does not. But those lugs probably think Hubble is some kind of gum and Perl scripts are oyster recipes! How could she possibly choose them over him?

Well, it just doesn’t work that way, buddy. A woman will like you based on how you you make her feel. So make her feel stuff – preferably good stuff. That’s the essence of it. Write that down, engrave it on a plaque, tattoo it on your forehead backwards so you’ll read it every time you brush your teeth in the morning. It’s like, axiomatic, dude.

How do you make women feel good stuff?  I wrote a whole chapter on that, but in brief: be compelling.  When you’re compelling, people have no choice but to respond to you.  My five favorite ways of being compelling:

1. Be a little mysterious. Leave some missing information to be discovered.
2. Be excellent. Do something exceptionally well.  The movie The Tao of Steve is all about this.
3. Give her your undivided attention. It’s a rare thing nowadays, so it’s powerful when you do it.
4. Be outlandish. A little crazy without lapsing into clownhood is good.
5. Be fun. Bring the awesome.  Be the party.

7. Go get rejected – a lot.

Smart people are used to success, not failure. So they’re reluctant to risk social rejection. They’re also frankly terrified of it, then rationalize that it’s just not all that important to be socially successful. A wise man once said, “People either play to win, or play to remain in their comfort zones while maintaining moral superiority.”

So if you’re not getting rejected, that means you’re not out exposing yourself to opportunity. You’re also not exposing yourself to danger, the crucible in which manhood gets forged. So be a man – get out there and get turned down.

Everything you want is outside of your comfort zone. Complacency never impelled anyone to greatness. So if you’re breaching your comfort zone early and often, you’re condemning yourself to a life of mediocrity and dissatisfaction.

Here’s the bright side of putting yourself out there: even if your success rate’s a measly 10%, after asking a mere 10 women out, you’ll have yourself a date. Fortune favors the bold.

8. Allow yourself to be pursued a little.

Evolution decrees that in the Homo sapiens sapiens mating dance, the male pursues and the female is pursued. Fine. But let up every once in a while. Just like water flows downhill and electrons go from high to low potential, there is also an attraction gradient. So be less interested in her than she is in you, or at least pretend you are, so she has a chance to move towards you.

9. Get good by practicing.

Like playing the violin or writing code, success in dating and romance is a skill: you get better at it the more you practice. It’s not some kind of god-given talent that you’re either born with or without. So seek out some good dating resources and put in the same amount of zealous effort that you’ve put into your achievements all your life, and you will be rewarded.

I’m restarting the new & improved version of my super-elite commando Metamorphosis training program for men starting Tuesday 16 Feb.  The free preview call is tomorrow, Tue 9 Feb at 5pm.  Sign up here to get on the call — if your love life has been in a slump as of late, it’s going to be a pretty good kick to the rear.

* Despite all the hoopla, just wanted to say that my Prius still rocks

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In 24hrs, you will have one of the best opportunities for ‘success’ with with the opposite sex, however you define that for yourself. Or at least of meeting someone new.

This is because Thursday, 31 December 2009 is New Year’s Eve. And in every country using the Gregorian calendar, it’s an occasion for serious merrymaking.

In the US, along with Halloween (Oct 31) and Valentine’s Day (Feb 14), it is one of the three best days of the year for meeting someone new.

New Year’s Eve is probably the best of the three aforementioned holidays. Why? ‘Cause everyone gets a ‘get out of jail free’ card for NYE. Engaging in borderline scandalous behavior is exactly what you’re expected to do — it’s like everyone’s in Las Vegas the whole time. And everyone is expected to be kissing someone at the stroke of midnight.

So first, the guide for the ladies:

1) Pick the guy you would like to be kissing in the next 15 seconds.

2) Look at him directly in the eye while making that ‘come hither’ gesture with your forefinger.

3) When he is in smooching range, proceed to make out with him. Unless you haven’t brushed your teeth in 5 days, he won’t protest.  Trust me on this.

Okay, we’re done for the women’s part.  Now for the boys.  Here’s what I suggest for greater luck with the ladies on this fine day:

1) Wherever you go, show up as early as possible.

This is the most important tip, so I’m going to repeat it:

SHOW UP YOUR BUTT TO THE PARTY AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE.

Why? Well, straight out of ‘The Tao of Networking’ (aka How to Work a Room): when you get there early, you get to see who walks in with whom. Now you know which of the fine ladies is unattached, which has a date for the eve. This is key information which will save you a lot of work later.

Second, when you show up early and no one’s there yet, you will also feel like you own the joint. This is what I call ‘host physiology’: when you feel like you own the place, you act like it; and when you act like it, you can meet any woman in the room at will.

The third reason is also huge. Generally, if your goal is to get in the lip-lock position with a cutie of your choice by midnight, you want to get the conversation started as early as possible so you have a few hours of get-to-know you time under your belt. That way both of you can feel less sleazy about the whole sordid episode.

Yes, it is possible to start making out with a woman within minutes (or less) of meeting her (for more info on that, check out the Metamorphosis Program). It’s also a hell of a lot easier to get there if  she knows, likes and trusts you somewhat because she got to know you somewhat. So get in early.

Fourth reason for getting in early is so you can choose the best girl for you. The choice a woman makes for whom she’s going to make out with at midnight may come down to which guy approached her first. So – be first! Don’t be all nonchalant and say, “Ahhh, I’ll get to that one later.” Big mistake! I’ve done it, and it sucks. Get to her now, before some douchebag latches on to her who’s so much less interesting than you and a far worse kisser. Yeesh.

2) Commit to just one party and plan on staying there the whole night.

This is a night when more is most definitely not better. Pick one party from the multitudes and stay there.

Strategically, you want to build a lot of rapport with a few people, so you’re best off staying at one place to optimize that. Also, you’re going to be toasted, and getting around while you’re drunk is a colossal pain in the rear (especially if any driving is involved – don’t even think of driving yourself around if you’re drinking, buddy).

And anyway, what would you rather be doing – partying or being in transit? A minute on the subway or in the car is a minute not spent in revelry.

You need revelry more than you need traffic. Go be stuck in traffic next week on the way back to work, you glutton for punishment you.

3) Go to a small house party with a few friends instead of some monster mega jam with lots of random strangers.

New Year’s Eve is a great time to get together with your buds.  This is when memories are made, and whatever mischief you’re going to engage in, it will be more fun together. Also, the feelings of camarederie you’ll have from being with your friends will make you more effective with the ladies.

So pick a smaller venue like a house party where it’s not completely bonkers anonymous random people. The higher sense of rapport lends itself to better stories later and a more pleasant experience as it’s happening.

Also, the monster mega jams, in spite of the promise of having more people in them, aren’t usually all that good for meeting people. People tend to behave more like strangers towards one another when there are too many people. Once again, more is not better. Go for small.

4) Ask the magic question early and often.

Assuming your goal is to be making out with some hottie by or before midnight, and knowing that you can say pretty much whatever you want on this night and get away with it, you need to use the Magic Question a lot.

(Actually, the original Magic Question is “What’s important to you about that?,” straight out of the inimitable Tao of Dating for Men. For this New Year’s Eve performance, we have a substitute magic question standing in for the original one. The rest of the cast is unchanged.  Enjoy the performance.)

And the Magic Question, NYE edition, is:

“Would you like to kiss me? ‘Cause it is New Year’s Eve, y’know.”

The addition of the ‘because’ clause tends to increase compliance by a good 70% or so, as we discussed in The Tao of Persuasion course, so make sure you have it in there. My suspicion is that some of you will have crazy stories to tell me with this one. If so, I want to hear them. Lurid details appreciated.

5) Drink moderately.

Okay, so you may be thinking I’m putting on my doctor hat here, finger-wagging and all about the eeeevils of alcohol. Umm, well, sorta. It is always a good idea not to drink yourself to oblivion. On this particular night, it’s extra-special important though.

Why?  Because, silly — that’s why:

a) Your handsome charming self functions better that way and is more likely to make points with the ladies than your drunken buffoon self.

b) Should you get really lucky, the machinery will work better and you’ll feel more of the pleasure you were so eager to get to and

c) There will be lots of drunken wastoids in the arena, and in the interest of self-preservation from all the lunging, lurching biomass, it’s best that you had your wits about you, brother.

That’s it.

Go get ‘em, tiger

AB

So it pains me to no end to see my smart, educated, lovely female friends remain single, alone and lonely in spite of their best efforts. These are amazing women! Surely there is something wrong with the world if they remain single for so long. That’s what compelled me to write The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible.

What compels me to write this article today is a recent trip to the Harvard-Yale Game festivities, reminding me of how smart, educated women routinely sabotage their own chances for romantic fulfillment.

Because, as fabulous as these ladies are, all of their failed relationships have one thing in common: themselves. And frankly, telling them that men are losers or even proving it conclusively doesn’t improve anyone’s plight. Useful advice is about something you can change.

Now I’ve been running and attending young alumni events for Harvard, Princeton, Yale, Stanford, MIT, Columbia, Duke, Swarthmore, Penn, Cornell, Berkeley, Brown, Dartmouth, Oxford, Cambridge and similar well-regarded institutions for a while.

I’ve also been privy to the dating woes of hundreds of men who wrote me subsequent to their reading The Tao of Dating for Men.

From these emerges this brand-new list which builds and elaborates on the earlier article, Why the Smartest People Have the Toughest Time Dating. Here we go:

1. Some smart women put themselves in a no-win bind when it comes to finding an intellectual match.

A smart woman wants to date a smart man, since men less intelligent than her frankly bore her to tears. She wants to be able to hold a stimulating conversation with her partner and to know that he’s at least equal to her (if not better) in this department.

However, once a relationship with Mr Smartypants is under foot, often she unconsciously starts to compare and compete with him. She feels intimidated by his intelligence: “Is he smarter/more educated/more successful than me?” Now she’s feeling silly when she doesn’t know something, or tries to one-up him and have the upper hand. The guy doesn’t quite know what’s happening, except that the very trait that made him attractive in the first place is now causing tension.

So stop competing, Ms Smartypants — love is not a contest. In the immortal words of Boy George, “You’re my lover, not my rival.” Instead, celebrate one another for the qualities you each have to offer. Speaking of Ms Smartypants…

2. Smart women bring their inner CEO to the date.

Let’s say you’re a CEO (or doctor, or lawyer, or some other authority figure). Your job involves managing people and telling them what to do. Occasionally, you have to cut them short and redirect their focus to what’s important, or argue to make your point in a pivotal meeting. All in a day’s work.

Here’s the key point to remember: when you’re on a date with a guy, you’re no longer at work. So if you unconsciously keep on doing those things that make you so effective at the office, you may end up alienating him – especially if he’s also a CEO. Strictly speaking, this does not set a man’s heart aflame (though it may give him heartburn).

In her insightful book on why men don’t call women back after a date, Rachel Greenwald lists this ‘Boss Lady Syndrome’ as the #1 reason men run, based on a survey of thousands of men.

Remember that guys admire and respect a woman who can take charge and kick ass. Guys respect and absolutely adore a woman who can take charge and kick ass but doesn’t feel the need to prove it around him. According to Marianne Williamson’s insight in A Woman’s Worth, “In intimate relations with men, I want to major in feminine and minor in masculine.”

3. Smart women don’t make love a top priority.

If love and meaningful companionship aren’t more important to you than a project, paper, or pet, then you can skip this part entirely.

But if love really matters to you and you don’t aspire to a monastic life, put in as much time and energy into dating and romance as you do into other things you excel at.

Dating is not an afterthought for when you’ve taken care of everything else. As far as anyone can tell, deep, meaningful relationships are the most important part of life.

So let’s not leave it to chance, shall we? If you like a guy, make him feel it. Give him at least as much time and energy as your spreadsheet, term paper, chihuahua or Facebook page. A smart guy knows exactly where he is on your priority list, and if it’s too low, he will move on.

4. Smart women mistake a person for real fulfillment.

Smart women can sometimes get really excited over a guy’s resume, especially when he’s gone to the right schools and held the right jobs. Then they get stuck in a miserable marriage and wonder what went wrong when everything seemed so perfect.

There’s minimal correlation between a guy’s resume and how good he can make you feel. Fulfillment is not a person; it’s a feeling. If his company isn’t fulfilling, you’re probably with the wrong guy.

5. Smart women overthink it.

All women are master overthinkers; smart women just have extra brainpower to burn on it. So they’re experts at twisting themselves into knots of doubt, indecision and self-sabotage. “Does he like me? What does he really think about me? What does he think I think about him? And what do I think he thinks I think about him?”

Stop. Simplify. Did you enjoy his company? Then see him again and see what happens. Otherwise, don’t.

6. Smart women underplay their feminine charms.

Newsflash from the cosmos: masculine things gravitate towards feminine things. So if you want more masculine things (e.g. guys) in your life, then cultivate your feminine energy. Men are suckers for your sensuality, the swing of your hips, the nape of your neck, the curve of your lips. They absolutely love it when you take pleasure in the physical world through touch, food and sex.

Men also love it when you’re open to needing and receiving their help. They like to feel useful and wanted, even though they know full well that you can open doors and run companies on your own. Receptivity is a quintessential feminine quality, so if you want more good men in your life, be receptive to their offerings.

7. Smart women are waiting for love to show up versus showing up as love.

My friends often ask me at parties to summarize all 280 pages of The Tao of Dating for Women in a sentence.

I do their ADD-addled brains one better by boiling it down to just three words: Be the light.

If you’re embodying joy, compassion and sensuality, telling him how great he is, making him feel like a billion bucks and the conqueror of worlds, you have no competition. Anywhere. Good men will come out of the woodwork to find a goddess like you.

So lead with love. You always possess the power to elevate others, so why wait? Dare to use it now. You’ll never say ‘all the good ones are taken’ again.

Check out The Tao of Dating for Women book and Project Irresistible coaching program
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Write to me at dralex(at)taoofdating.com

Hi Dr. Alex,

I’m depressed, bummed (child of 70s) and I need help.  At least I hope you read this…

Some background: I’m from Nashville, an only child, and looking back I realize I did have a charmed background. I’m not rich but my parents gave me what I wanted.

Honestly, I knew I was drop dead gorgeous. And I thought it would last forever.  Now, I’m over 50 – 56, actually. It sounds old to even write it. I’m in Tennessee, did I mention that? Key point — people in the South get married after high school. I’m still attractive but with wrinkles, etc!

So, I’ve been on the dating sites – and I have to admit most men over 50 are old in their heads.  They don’t do this or that, just because – so they tell me. Absurd to me, so I tend to be attracted to anyone that doesn’t look old and act old.

But, bottom line is it doesn’t matter what I’m attracted to ’cause I think all men see is that number, and it is over 50. It’s like you’re 49 and 23 hours and one hour later, making 356th day, you hit 50 and the world has stopped and you’re ready for the grave. It’s crazy the way the US thinks of 50 plus, and it’s a fact I’m not dealing with well. Somewhere on this planet there must be someone, some age, within reason, that still is young at heart and acts that way, too. Plus, it helps if they have good genes and haven’t gotten a pot stomach like so many down here (think Budweiser). Gross.

I’ve read that in Europe older, over-35 women are admired and cherished – not here.  Someone somewhere has got to get past the number and see me. It would take a long time to try and explain how I got here, single, and I’ve spent the last 2 years coming to grips with it and getting past the anger, though every once in a while that still creeps in, big time.

So, that might have been something someone “heard” – but not now.  Just the 56. You say we are supposed to be happy, and blah blah, I know what everyone thinks, but reality is I’m really not.  So, I’m wiritng with it all out there.  I probably should be sending you 100.00 just for answering this email, if you have time.  This is a huge imposition on my part so perhaps too, an apology is in order, for your time.  At any rate, what I’ve seen and read from you strikes home more so than anyone else out there.

Best,
Sherilyn

Thanks for the letter, Sherilyn! In general, the short ones with a specific question tend to get a quicker answer. In fact the German word for letter is Brief, hint hint :)

You didn’t really have a specific question, so I’m just going to bring some things to your attention here.

Now that it’s been over a week, re-read the letter you sent me. Notice that the darkness in it is pretty unrelenting. I’m detecting contempt for where you live and its people, contempt for their values, contempt for yourself and your age, for potbellies, for non-European attitudes, how you’re an imposition on my time, etc etc.

We need to stop that immediately. It’s okay to go a little dark every once in a while. And going 100% Pollyanna isn’t the solution either. However, indulging in the darkness and wallowing in self-pity indefinitely is a Very Bad Idea.

This letter isn’t just an apology for being old and wrinkly, as you put it — it’s sounds more like an apology for living. We tend to get more of what we focus on, and we’re responsible for creating our own world, mostly according to our beliefs. So if you’re convinced that you’re undeserving and unappealing, then that’s the most likely outcome.

Now, let’s get down to the facts: attractiveness is the name human males give for the outward signs of fertility in a woman. Naked mole rats don’t think Heidi Klum is attractive; evolution has rigged things such that human brains find certain proxies for fertility — eg clear taut skin, youth — appealing. When the woman is no longer fertile, those proxies go away. Things wrinkle, sag, widen, rearrange in inconvenient ways.

At the same time, the deterioration of those surface proxies for fertility have nothing to do with the development of your soul. In fact, the more time you have on this earth, the more opportunity you have to grow through meditation, devotion and open-hearted service. Many women attain a glow and beauty in their older age that they couldn’t possibly possess in their 20s and 30s, when they were at the height of their physical beauty.

Here’s what I suspect is going on in this particular case: the only stuff that can come out of someone is what’s already in there. So if you’ve got a torrent of contempt coming out of you, it’s because it’s always been there. It was masked until now, since things had gone reasonably well.  Now that the youth and beauty have diminished, it’s manifesting as anger.

My observation is that many gifted people — ‘drop dead gorgeous’ people amongst them — tend to have an underlying contempt for those who aren’t nearly as gifted as themselves. They use their accidental gift as an excuse to beat people down. Because of their appearance (or smarts, or athletic prowess), they always have attention so don’t realize that they have a problem. Moreover, they’re always getting positive reinforcement for whatever they’re doing, so they’re under the illusion that they have a working strategy.

This works for a few decades, during which they’re unconsciously cultivating contempt and ego-based strategies for relating to people. There’s also an opportunity cost here: they have put less time and energy into developing themselves as conscious human beings. Open-heartedness, selfless service, joy, elevating others – these are skills that are cultivated over time.  You don’t practice them, you don’t get better at them.

What happens is that one day, some of these pretty people wake up and realize, “Holy cow. I’m not pretty anymore, and I’m lonely, and I have no idea what to do to fix that.” Because they haven’t developed the skills for heart-based connection for the past 20-30 years, they have no idea what to do. They become bitter and angry at the world that seems to have taken away their power for good.

Some resort to plastic surgery, dieting or other ineffective surface measures to get their power back. They don’t realize that no matter how much they change the wrapping paper, the gift contents won’t change. These people can remain unfulfilled for a long time.

Unless they wake up in time.  Then they realize that they have a choice: at any moment of any day, they have the power to make people around them feel fantastic. A word of appreciation, a helping hand, a devoted glance — that’s often all it takes to raise someone from ho-hum or beaten down to fantastic.

Don’t be mistaken — this is real power.  My definition of real power is ‘power that cannot be taken away from you.’  Status, phyiscal beauty, riches — those can be taken away in a moment.  Spiritual beauty, on the other hand, is yours to keep, and yours to share forever.

So go ahead and dare to be the light.  Make men (and women) around you feel fantastic.  When you do that, you will start to glow.  And the good men will have no choice but to notice.

I also want to examine briefly a couple of other popular issues Sherilyn brings up.

So, I’ve been on the dating sites – and I have to admit most men over 50 are old in their heads.

This is classic poverty-consciousness.  Other versions of this: Men in their 20s are immature.  Men in their 30s are too career-minded or just want to play.  All the good ones are taken.

Poverty-consciousness, or the scarcity mindset, is the polar opposite of practicing abundance, which is the most important of the 5 themes of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible.

For every 50yr old man who feels old, there’s another one running for Congress and climbing Mt Everest.  Your job, Sherilyn, is to work on yourself and be the most radiant, open-hearted version of yourself so when Mr Right comes along, he notices you’re ready.  If the sign outside says ‘Closed’, people ain’t gonna knock, so make sure the sign says ‘Open!’.

Besdies, radiance and open-heartedness are their own reward.  It just feels better that way.

But, bottom line is it doesn’t matter what I’m attracted to ’cause I think all men see is that number, and it is over 50.

Let me ask you: does thinking this way make you feel young or old?  Which do you prefer?  Go with the story that makes you feel better.  You beliefs determine your experience.

Plus, it helps if they have good genes and haven’t gotten a pot stomach like so many down here (think Budweiser). Gross.

So let’s say a young-at-heart, handome, super-successful man comes long who abolutely adores you and gets along with you famously — but he has a pot belly.  Would you say ‘gross’ and walk away?

Ladies — make sure the criteria you have for selecting a companion serve your long-term fulfillment, not the other way around.  You may be shocked and amazed that 30% of married women report not even liking their future husband when they first met, let alone finding him attractive.

As a woman,  you have the unique gift of reconfiguring your brain to make a guy who makes you feel good look good (guys aren’t quite so versatile).  This is straight out of The Tao of Dating for Women, Ch. 5, ‘Understanding Men, Understanding Yourself’, p. 88.  If for some utterly unfathomable reason you haven’t read the book yet, it’s time to get yourself a Christmas present.

Be the light,

Dr Alex

Lisa-
Great story!  Now, this is the question you have to ask yourself: “Is this sustainable for another 6mos?  Another year?  Another 5 years? Is this how I want to feel and how i want to be treated?”

If the answer is yes, then carry on.  If not, then that means you have to break up eventually, and sooner may be better than later.  You can do it deliberately with a clear head, or you can wait for nasty circumstances to do it for you (another incriminating text, finding him in bed with someone).  I vote for the former option.

Remember that fulfillment is a feeling, not a person.  Suspicion and mistrust, which is a lot of what you’re experiencing, don’t sound like fulfillment to me.

As for saying that you ‘love’ him: that may be true, but you have a duty to yourself and to the world to love yourself first.  Being with someone who doesn’t value you and isn’t a catalyst for your flourishing into the best possible version of you, is not being loving to yourself.  That always comes first — I don’t want to hear any of this Whitney Houston martyr complex nonsense.

Two other things:

You already know what he said to his friend is not ‘just guy talk.’  If you’re with a man who’s reasonably charming and experienced with women, unless he has stated explicitly that you are exclusive together, you should assume you are not.  With the pre-existing trust issues you’re talking about, it’s a safe assumption that he’s pursuing other options.  It may not be what you want to hear, but it is the way things are.

And you should not be messing around with his phone.  I would consider that a massive violation of privacy, and he probably does, too.  That one’s on you.  However, if things were going well, you wouldn’t be snooping around anyway, so it’s a symptom of a much bigger trust issue.

Fulfillment is a feeling, not a person is one of the big themes of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible.  If you want to find the fulfillment that you truly deserve, you need to read the book already.

But when a guy writes a dating book for women, the questions are more like, “What possessed you to do that? And what on earth qualifies you, a mere dude, to write for women anyway?” Yeah, yeah, yeah. This video addresses those questions.

If you like it, please share it with friends (via Facebook, Twitter etc) and be sure to rate and comment on it! Feel free to embed it on your own site, and if you’d like to get advance notification of the videos before everyone else, click on the ‘Subscribe’ button on the YouTube channel.