Today, I’m going to talk a little bit about how to overcome friction.

Basically, here’s the scenario: you’ve seen her. You’d like to meet her, but you’ve taken too long and your brain’s ‘aw crap’ mechanism has already kicked in. You’ve started thinking about it, which is the essence of friction.

Well, I would have preferred that you’d gotten in there quicker, but hey — this situation’s going to come up, so let’s deal with it, shall we?

What’s happened is that some kind of prior emotional state of friction has started to settle into your neurology. Our goal is to change your state, because the behaviors that you want are state-dependent. Get the right state, get the right action.

This is the essence of Taoist thought: “The master does nothing but accomplishes everything.” I interpret this as meaning that the master allows right action — te, the middle word in Tao Te Ching — to emanate from him naturally, vs. having to force things.

This is freakin’ profound, so I’m going to repeat it: the right action arises from the right state. So if you want to execute the right action, get in the right state.

So what are some states in which it’s natural for you to just go up to people and say hi?

For me, it’s right after yoga class or a deep meditation session. There’s no barrier between me and anything, so for a few shining minutes, I’m less of my asshole self and more of an open, loving person.

Another time is when I’ve gotten some great news or some big triumph. I feel like I have the world in the palm of my hand, and I can go up to anybody and say anything.

Ever felt that way when your team won? Or maybe when you were watching the game tying goal in the US vs Canada hockey game?

Now you may be thinking, “It’s not very convenient for me to leave the party, take an hourlong yoga class or meditate for half an hour and come back. Is there an easier way, doc?”

Yeah, yeah, wiseguy. I hear ya. There IS an easier way.

It’s called anchoring, and it allows you to re-evoke any past mental state basically instantly.

All you have to do is this: associate a unique stimulus with the peak of that desired state. Say, a snap of your fingers. Or the ringing of a bell (remember Pavlov?). That’s your anchor to the state.

Now, every time you fire that anchor again, you get that state back. Neat, eh?

You’ve already got a whole bunch of anchors running inside your head – you just don’t know it.

Does the ringtone of your cell phone make you jump up and scramble, even when it’s someone else’s phone?

Does a loud honk for a car on the road put you on edge?

What happens to your head when you hear the song you first made out to? Or made love to? Or the perfume of your first girlfriend?

If you’re American, what happens when you hear ‘The Star Spangled Banner’? Does it make you want to automatically get up, put your right hand on your heart, and sing along?

What does the sound of your mom’s voice admonishing you do to your head?

The point is this: you’ve got dozens if not hundreds of unconscious anchors running inside your head. Your brain is a connection machine. It’s job is to connect stimulus with state and behavior. You see sabre-toothed cat, you run. Same idea.

So why not give you some useful anchors designed to make you happier and more effective in life? Better than going about it all haphazardly.

In the Approach Clinic, http://bit.ly/cdJomw, I’ll teach you in delightfully excruciating detail how to set anchors on yourself – and also set some really useful ones so you have them handy.

Heck, now that I think about it, I should just do a whole workshop on anchoring.

I’ll also teach you another Overcoming technique – what I call ‘The Brain Eraser.’

Don’t worry, it’s only temporary – you’ll get the content back. Well, most of it at least. Assuming there was any there to start with.

The idea with the Brain Eraser is that you can either overcome the unhelpful state by replacing it with a more useful state, OR you can just blank it out and start with empty.

Fun.

Here’s the great thing about these techniques: once I teach them to you, you can teach them to your friends. They’ll think you’re the coolest guy, like, ever and they’ll owe you serious beer. As a bonus, you’ll learn it better yourself.

So to make this more interesting, I propose a contest: whoever comes up with the best/worst story about an approach that he botched or wished he had done differently gets to attend for free – AND get a 15min consult with yours truly on a topic of your choice. (If you’ve already signed up, we’ll make it a 30min consult.)

I know that you guys find the notion of getting crap for free highly motivating, so there’s my marketing ploy for the day.

Post your stories as comments below.

The Approach Clinic is approaching fast – Tuesday March 9 is right around the corner. So sign up, like, now: Approach Clinic registration. Use coupon code ‘APPROACH’ to get 60 beans off.

Take it away,
AB

I can’t sleep. It’s 5:41 am, and I am WIDE awake. After 3 failed attempts at sleep, I have actually accomplished quite a few random tasks that needed to be done (bills paid, applications filled out, etc).

Then I start doing the WORST possible thing I can do at 5am. Unblocking the random people I worked so hard to block on a damn social networking site. Good grief. How old am I??? YOU ARE IN YOUR THIRTIES…not 13. This type of behavior reminds me of when my cousin used to make me go with her when she would drive by her crushes house periodically. It’s the equivalent of stalking, just digitally.

AB: Perhaps the social networking sites should be excised as part of the fast.  You didn’t have them in 2003, and your life was fine then.  I’d start with a 1-week holiday.

The Doctor asked me what I meant by my txt today, and it lead to a reasonably uncomfortable conversation via text. I should have read Dr. Alex’s notes beforehand, but I didn’t. I almost feel as if that got so messed up that it’s beyond the point of salvaging so I should just drop it. He was very open about the fact that he is seeing other people, but not anyone exclusively (so was I). I explained that was part of the problem. I didn’t think he EVER wanted to see someone exclusively and I don’t share well. ***sigh***

AB: As a matter of good communications hygiene, text and email should only be used for fact-based conversations — where, when, what, check out this funny cat photo haha, etc.  As a rule, they should NEVER be used for emotional communication — it’s the formula for misunderstanding.

THEN…I start looking through all the family photos of my random high school friends on the same social networking site. Such gorgeous families…happy, cute, amazing. It made me sad. It reminded of something a classmate said to me at my 10 year High School reunion. “I thought for SURE you would be settled by now”. Settled. As if being single and selective was “unsettled”. But I suppose I am. I am unsettled. It’s nearly 6am…what else can I be at this ungawdly hour?

By the way, those that needed a refresher on just what type of cleanse I am doing, see one of my earlier blogs. I noticed Dr. Alex’s note and want to assure everyone that I am in fact eating! I’m just keeping it very healthy, with lots of organic veggies/fruits, raw nuts, and lean protein. But I think it is definitely getting to me the last few days. But to be honest, I think it’s my own thoughts that are getting to me. Maybe the plan worked too well. The constant hunger I am feeling isn’t anything that can be satiated by food.

I don’t know if I believe it myself, but apparently all this insecurity and anxiety is due to a lack of self esteem. That makes little sense to me though. I think I’m confident. I suppose the only time I’m not confident is around men. I blame college. I don’t think I ever really had the trouble I have with men until college. Maybe Dr. Alex is right. I read his article that was posted on the Huffington Post explaining his theories as to why smart people have a difficult time dating.

Some of it rang true. I was too busy in college to think about anything but my studies. I tuned boys out and focused on my success. Apparently I continued that trend in my adult life. I just don’t know how to react anymore. I feel like a babbling fool. And when I do take a chance and just speak my mind and call when I feel like calling, it all back fires. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. So then I just give up.

AB: Your past is not your future.  Get on with the now and start taking right action — the te part of the Tao Te Ching.  Results will follow.  And if you must feel sorry for yourself, set aside 10min a day and just feel really sorry for yourself. Then move on already.

I’m not gonna lie…I feel like that right now. As tears well up in my eyes, I get angry with myself. I’m not a quitter but to be honest, I really feel like no matter WHAT I do, it’s always making me feel worse vs better. I’ve been a bit antisocial lately because of it. I feel like people can smell the sadness. I’m hoping this is just a particularly jagged spike in my menstrual cycle.

Ugh.

I probably shouldn’t even post this. I will reread it in the morning and probably scorn myself again for being so weak. I know it’s okay to be weak. I just don’t normally let other people in on my misery. I’m really good at internalizing that kinda stuff but then it becomes an all consuming cancerous growth. No bueno.

I should sleep. I’m rambling. Perhaps this is just the lack of sleep talking now…

“The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.”