Hey there. Recently got an interesting letter about a situation that I’m sure many of you have encountered before:
*****LETTER FROM READER*****
Dr. Alex,
I don’t know if you have addressed this before, as I am new to your program. I just met a girl that has been dating a guy for about a month. I really want to steal her away from this guy. I feel like she is in to me.
We were at a party and I made a good impression the first part of the night. She told me I reminded her of a couple of other guys she had dated and her pupils were pretty big. We ended up talking one on one at one point and discovered we lived on the same small street in NYC, pretty random that happening here.
Her boyfriend (French guy) was getting really flustered by our interaction. The French guy was having a party at his house and my ex-girlfriend invited me to join. I have never pulled a jack move like this before and I didn’t tell her I thought she was beautiful or any other type of flirting besides my body language and eye contact.
She works at a bar a block away from me and invited me to come see her there. I feel like I could have been more bold been more cocky in our one on one. But since I didn’t what move do I make when I go see her tomorrow? She works from 6p to 1a. I heard from an inside source he keeps trying to spend every day with her but she doesn’t want to. I know he will be there tomorrow.
I am hoping he doesn’t get there early, so I can make my move. But is pulling a jack move like this against the rules of the Tao that there is plenty to go around? Should I not be doing this?
Best Regards,
Matt
*************
A great question. I like the way he phrased it as being ‘against the rules of the Tao‘ or not.
Here’s the thing: there are no real rules to the Tao. It’s all about observing the way things are, then figuring out what’s most consonant with your enlightened self-interest.
And what do we mean by enlightened self-interest? We mean the action that will result in the most enrichment of your life in the LONG term.
Enlightened self-interest is one of the three big themes of the Tao of Dating (available at www.thetaoofdating.com/order if you don’t already have it). The other two are the Be-Do-Have mentality and wealth-consciousness.
So let’s look at this situation with each of these themes in mind. Is doing this kind of thing consistently the way you would want to live your life? Sounds like Matt is already uncomfortable with the idea, since he calls it a ‘jack move‘.
If we think of this in terms of the Be-Do-Have mentality, then for this move to work, our man has to be the ‘jack‘, which I’m guessing is some kind of shady fellow. If he’s not one with that idea, he can’t BE it, and therefore it’s not going to work. So from a purely practical standpoint, setting aside whether it’s right or wrong, this is probably not going to get him the girl.
Now let’s look at it from the point of view of enlightened self-interest. Assuming you succeed in getting the girl this way, are those going to be the kind of relationships you want? I mean, if you could ‘steal’ her from her current guy, some other guy can do the same to you. If you get the kind of girl who’s willing to cheat on her boyfriend, YOU could be the next boyfriend she cheats on.
Now let’s look at wealth-consciousness. When there are thousands of eligible single women around, is chasing down a woman who’s clearly taken a sign of wealth-consciousness or poverty-consciousness? From where I’m sitting, it sounds like chasing down a whole lotta trouble.
Okay, so according to the Tao of Dating principles, trying to ‘steal’ this girl is probably a mediocre to bad idea that’s not going to result in a lot of fulfillment for our man Matt.
But wait! There’s more. What if this so-called boyfriend of this girl is not so great for her? What if she’s totally unfulfilled and Matt would be a much better choice for her? What if Matt is actually what she wants, and she’s just itching for an excuse to dump her boy.
Interesting.
See, what comes into play here is intention. It’s one thing to think, “I’m gonna steal this loser’s girl because he’s kind of a jerk and she’s hot.” Some guys think that, do that, and succeed. They succeed because they are CONGRUENT — they really are the kind of guy who steals other people’s girlfriends on nothing more than a whim, and they’re cool with it. They are fully aligned with their purpose.
They also end up losing friends and hating themselves in the long term.
Now it’s another thing entirely to think, “Y’know, this lovely woman deserves someone far better than the guy she’s with. I’m going to give her the opportunity to get to know me better and go for an upgrade.”
Which one of those scenarios are you more comfortable with? Which one empowers you more? Then run with that one, brother. You want to take the path that flows with who you already are. Because that’s how you’ll be more effective. That’s what the Tao is all about — flow with it, baby.
Here’s the thing: attractive women are like $100 bills. They’re not left unattended for very long. So any woman who’s even close to attractive is bound to receive a lot of attention and a lot of offers of companionship.
Therefore the fact that a woman is with some dude right now doesn’t mean a whole heck of a lot. Unless there’s already a ring, or they live together, it’s not exactly permanent.
In fact, all relationships are temporary. Even the best ones end in death or divorce. And if she’s with that guy right now, it means that she broke up with someone else before him. And she’ll break up with him before the next one — who could very well be you.
So remember — don’t make her decisions for her. If she’s into you, who are you to say she can’t associate with you because of the ‘boyfriend’? Let her find her own reasons to hang out with you.
Now if you have what I call a Powerful Positive Intent (PPI), it makes it a lot easier to go ahead and make your case with her.
For example, if you knew that her boyfriend was beating her up, stealing her money and generally making her life miserable, would you have any hesitation to present yourself as a more pleasant alternative? Of course not. You’d go for it immediately.
Now let’s say the boyfriend doesn’t beat her up, but he’s just kind of an average guy.
And let’s say you took some massage classes and are really good at it. And you took this Metamorphosis Mentorship Program thing and are a multiorgasmic man. And you really know your way around a woman’s body. And know how to treat her in a way that she blossoms into the goddess she really is. And can cook up a storm. And can provide her with opportunities for joy and growth.
Are you ever going to worry about whether that boyfriend’s better for her again? Will you ever think it’s a ‘jack move’ when you speak to her? Didn’t think so.
And that’s what the Tao of Dating (get it at www.thetaoofdating.com/order) is all about: becoming the best version of you possible. Because then, suddenly the world will seem devoid of pesky boyfriends and full of opportunities for you.