For the ladies –

I’ll be interviewed by my friend and colleague Dr Eva Selhub, author of The Love Response, on iamhealthyradio.com today at 4pm EDT/ 1pm PDT.

We’ll be discussing The Tao of Dating for Women and fulfillment-centered relationships.

Some of the topics we’ll be touching upon:

• How to know if you’re in a subpar relationship, and how to snap out of it
• The ‘Zero-Tolerance’ rule, and when you need to institute it (hint: right about now, for most of us)
• What really constitutes your fulfillment, and why you may have been selling yourself short all along
• What it means to practice compassion towards yourself, and why it’s so important
• What it means to ‘embody the goddess’ and how it changes *everything* pretty much instantly

Check it out, and let me know what you think.

June 29th, 2009 | Category: Dating for Women | Leave a comment

This post has almost nothing to do with dating. So feel free to skip this message entirely if that’s what you’re looking for.

However, it has everything to do with being a compassionate, aware human being. Which is the real purpose of these articles, as some of you may have gathered by now.

Right now, on the opposite side of the planet from where I am, millions of Iranians young and old are flooding the streets in protest. Why? Because they stood in line for hours to vote for what they believed in, and someone decided that their votes didn’t matter.

The regime shamelessly shut down text messaging, websites and all reporting, just so it could have its way.

Iran is the world’s youngest country. Over 60% of its population is under 30. And frankly, they’re tired of old fogies in funny turbans telling them how to live their lives.

Our country here, the US, ain’t perfect - the occasional voting irregularity has happened and will happen again. But our model of peaceful transition of power and freedom of expression is still pretty darn good.

So today, on my gratitude log, one of the five items I put down for which I was grateful was “open means of communication.” It’s quite a privilege, if you think about it.

Amongst hundreds of privileges we don’t think about every day that the average Iranian kid doesn’t have. Like throwing a party with your friends without getting harassed. Walking down the street in the dead of summer in short sleeves. Or shorts. Having a beer. Having your hair uncovered if you’re a girl. Surfing the web - all of it. Writing a blog without getting tossed in jail. Dozens of other little things.

So on this day, June 16, which also happens to be my birthday, give yourselves a little gift. Say a prayer for the youth of Iran in their moment of crisis - for all the unarmed kids who got beat up and shot at just for wanting to be heard. Pray for their protection, safety and resolve.

And if you want to make gratitude a daily practice, join the Gratitude Experiment at www.taoofdating.com/gratitude. It’s a 30-day, totally free program which basically sends you automated email reminders every day to jot down a few things you’re grateful for.

The idea is that, after doing it for 30 days, it just might become a habit that sticks. Hundreds of you have already joined the experiment. It takes 2-3min a day, and it makes a BIG difference. Trust me on that one.

Anyway, that’s all for now. You’ll forgive me if I’m not in the mood right to write lighthearted fluffy stuff on why he didn’t call you back or how to get her to come on a second date, but I promise it’ll be back soon :)

In the meantime, check out this lucid 2min video on what’s going on over there in Iran.  It’s good.

June 17th, 2009 | Tags: awareness, compassion, gratitude, Gratitude Experiment, Iran election, protests in Iran | Category: spirit | Leave a comment

While we’re on the topic of masculinity, here’s a video from my ‘Transformation Weekend’ seminar I did some time back.  Thanks for all of your positive feedback on it so far — we’re working on making an audio product of the seminar ready.  In the meantime, enjoy the video, and feel free to rate it and comment on it:

June 15th, 2009 | Tags: archetypes, Dating Advice, Dating for Men, initiation, king, lover, magician, male archetypes, manhood, masculine power, masculinity, maturity, nice guy, warrior | Category: Dating for Men, Video | Leave a comment

Finally, I’m joining the 21st century and using this whole newfangled video thing.  Thrilling!

This is a topic that is best illustrated visually, since that’s how those pernicious little beasties called fashion magazines inflict their damage. I rant about this in The Tao of Dating for Women fairly extensively — the entire beginning of Chapter 6 on ‘How to Keep a Healthy Diet’, pp 113-123, is about this.

But one good rant deserves another, so here it is:

June 11th, 2009 | Tags: Dating Advice, dating tips, fashion magazines are evil, healthy mental diet, inadequacy, self-esteem, tao of dating for women, why women's magazines suck | Category: Dating for Women | Leave a comment

Angie writes from Australia regarding the “On Bad Boys and How to Spot Them” article she received via email:

I thought this was excellent and could put a huge TICK on each…but what worries me, is:

Am i attracted to these bad boys because there is a part of them inside me too? Does that mean i have some issues i have to look at? Is this bad boy just a mirror of what is going on in my life too? What do you think?  Have you got any feedback from other ‘bad boy’ daters?

I’d like to know,

Enjoy your information always, Angie

Brisbane Qld Australia

Thanks for the letter, Angie.  Here’s the deal: bad boys simply trigger ancient mechanisms that exist in every woman.  In that way, there’s nothing wrong with you if you find yourself responding to them, in the same way that nothing’s wrong with you when you respond to chocolate or ice cream.  We’re just built that way.

That said, you have the choice to recognize this and stay away from them.  You may not be able to control your reaction to them, but you can certainly control your actions.  You can see the ice cream store and walk past it.  You can choose not to stock your fridge with ice cream.  You have choice.

Also, 2-3 days of the month, right around when you’re ovulating, you’re going to be super-susceptible to the charm of more masculine, roguish men.  That’s 10% of your life, and plenty of time in which to screw everything up really good.   Probably a good time to stay away from bad boys.

June 5th, 2009 | Tags: bad boys, dating advice for women, ovulation, self-control | Category: Dating for Women | Leave a comment

Last night, I was at a business networking mixer here in Los Angeles.  As the event winded down, I was talking to these two lovely young ladies — let’s call them Ashley and Sarah — who seemed really preoccupied about a message Ashley was composing on her Blackberry.

They kept on going back and forth, with Sarah editing Ashley — “No, say it this way” — and then Ashley re-editing the edit.

Eagle-eyed professional that I am, I thought, gee, could this possibly be about a boy?  They apologized for ignoring me and sheepishly admitted, yes, it was about a boy — specifically, the one Ashley was dating.  Sorta.

So why was it so hard to compose this message?  “Because he’s being a douche-bag,” Ashley said, rolling her eyes.  I sensed that ‘douche-bag’ was a term of art, so as a scientist I had to figure out exactly what rendered this fellow a douche-bag.

As it turns out, the boy — ‘DB’ henceforth — was being unclear in his intentions.  He said he cared for her but his career came first.  When asked point blank whether he cared for her, he’d offer evasive, non-committal answers like “Well, I’ve been with you 8 months now, haven’t I?”

To this, I told Ashley that I’ve heard a guy say “You are amazing and wonderful; it’s a privilege to be with you and I absolutely adore you” before, and it sounded different from “Gee, well I haven’t run away yet.”

We talked for a while, and the summary of it was that Ashley was clearly unfulfilled in the relationship.  Yet she kept on making excuses for DB.

Why?  She gave two reasons.  First: “It sucks to be single — this way at least I’ve got somebody.” And second: “I just feel great around him when he is around.”

Hmmmm.

Let’s parse the first statement for a moment.  Somehow Ashley’s thinking that mediocre treatment from a guy is better than no treatment at all.

This is a very, very dangerous assumption.  Because it leads you straight down what I call the ladder of compromise.  In the study of organizational behavior, it’s called normalization of deviance.

It goes something like this: a guy does something which you don’t like all that much — maybe shows up late.  You don’t say anything.  So he keeps on showing up late.  Pretty soon, you’re regularly waiting a whole hour for him to show up.

Or say a guy puts you down a little and you don’t complain, because he’s so great in all these other departments.  Your unconscious is always working to avoid cognitive dissonance, so on some deep level it accepts that this is the level of treatment you deserve.

Now your self-esteem is in the toilet, so you think the next guy who comes along who treats you well is crazy and instead glom on to guys who serially treat you like dirt.

What you’ve done is that, little by little, you’ve allowed poor treatment to be okay.  You’ve normalized the deviance.

Ladies (and gentlemen, too) — this is a very pernicious thing.  Once you allow the foot in the door for a little mistreatment, you’re effectively allowing a lot more of it to happen down the road.  Heck, psychologists even have a name for it — the ‘foot in the door technique.’

That’s why you have to practice zero-tolerance when it comes to matters of fulfillment and being treated well.

This is how my smart, beautiful friend Holly (featured in the introduction to The Tao of Dating for Women) ended with a deadbeat who physically abused her.  For 1.5 years.

This is how another very smart, absolutely gorgeous woman ended up with a husband who beat her up routinely — for 12 years.  And is still with him.

Repeat after me: “I will only spend time with people who treat me exceptionally well and make me feel like the queen of the universe.”

Why?  Because you have a duty to the world to be the best possible version of you — so you can shine your light as far and wide as possible.  I’m telling you — the world needs you now more than ever.  So when you let a guy get away with doing something — anything — to diminish that light, you’re shirking your duty to the world.

So henceforth, I want you to practice ruthless compassion for yourself.  Sure, the guy’s cute, and you feel great when he’s around.  But if he’s putting you down instead of lifting you up, it’s time for him to go.  Like, now.

Granted, because of the brew of chemicals in your head and the unconscious compromises you’ve already made, this is a tough thing to do.

You also have to admit that you’ve been wrong — totally, completely wrong.  Your ego hates that.  Get over it, girl — don’t let your ego ruin your life.

Also, notice Ashley’s second reason: “I just feel so good when he is around.”  I’m paraphrasing a bit here, but the way she described it to me was exactly the way a junkie describes a hit of crack or heroin.  Basically, a drug.

There was no description of mutual enrichment, support, deepening of the spirit.  Just a jolt of good feeling, which is the essence of what drugs do — empty euphoria.

Well, guess what ladies — neurophysiologically, guys operate in the exact same way that drugs do.  So he’s not just like a drug — he is a drug.  And just as bad for you.

And we all know how tough it is to get off drugs.

In the interest of making this article eminently practical, this is how you rid your life of the drug of Toxic Dude (or Dudette):

1) Detox.

This means you stay away from him for at least one week — two’s even better.  Going on a trip and having no contact with him is one of the more effective ways.  Technically, it allows your brain to downregulate receptors and adapt to normal chemistry.  Practically, it gets him off your mind.

2) Get help.

Like Odysseus, canvass your compadres to keep you away from toxic dude, since you know you’re too weak to do it yourself (see my post on the Odysseus Protocol).  Listen to them — they often know what’s good for you better than you do.

3) Do better.

Hang out with people who do elevate you and make you feel wonderful, and notice the contrast.  Heck, maybe even go on a date with a nice guy for a change.  It gets a lot harder to go back to instant ramen noodles once you’ve had gourmet pasta.

The other thing that the girls were doing which I found interesting was trying to figure out why DB behaved the way he did.  They spent a lot of time and energy guessing what this meant and that could mean.

And you know what?  It doesn’t matter.  At all.

There’s an old Buddhist parable about a man being shot in the leg with an arrow.  Instead of taking care of the arrow stuck in his leg, he asks, “Who shot the arrow?  Which tribe was he from?  Who’s his father?  What kind of bow was it?”

Umm, dude, newsflash: there’s an arrow in your leg.  Why don’t we take care of that first.

Similarly, the only thing that matters is how well you’re being treated — whether you’re feeling fulfilled or not.  That is your internal compass, and the only criterion that matters.  Don’t worry where the arrow came from.

You have to realize that no man is a complete ogre, so sure — he’s going to have some redeeming qualities. And yeah, you’re not totally nuts, so you hang out with him because it does feel good on some level.

But I urge you to set your standards high, ladies (and guys).  And once you’ve set them, do not tolerate any subpar treatment.  I’m telling you that you deserve the best because it’s absolutely true.  All you have to do is convince yourself that it’s true and live accordingly.

June 3rd, 2009 | Tags: alex benzer, breakups, cognitive dissonance, Dating Advice, dating tips, foot in the door technique, how to get rid of a bad boyfriend, normalization of deviance, Odysseus protocol, toxic boyfriend | Category: Dating for Men, Dating for Men & Women, Dating for Women | Leave a comment

Last Sunday was Mother’s Day, which reminded me of the Ten Commandments.

That’s because there’s only one measly commandment telling you what to do: ‘honor thy father and thy mother.’ The remaining nine are a relentless barrage of ‘thou shalt nots’, telling you what not to do.

So if you were to follow them to the letter, then every day is Mother’s Day (or Father’s Day), since all you can do is sit in a corner calling mom and telling her how great her tuna casserole is. Unless it’s Saturday, in which case you probably aren’t allowed to do that either. And don’t even think of casually saying hi to a graven image, or worse, coveting your neighbor’s oxen.

So for somebody living in 2009, that Decalogue ain’t all that useful.

At the same time, perhaps there is another realm in which a barrage of negative directives would be useful. Some area in which people are hopelessly, repeatedly, incorrigibly screwing up their own chances.

Ah yes — that would be dating.

I’ve been on the receiving end of enough stories from men and women to notice some consistent patterns of self-sabotage in the mating dance. The good news is that once you know about them, these behaviors are entirely avoidable. Call them the Dating Decalogue, the Ten Commandments of Modern Mating or just common sense — here they are:

1) Thou shalt not flake.

If you like your date at all, it’s crucial that you show up — especially to your first appointment. Besides being tremendously deflating to your date when you cancel, there’s an even deeper reason that has nothing to do with your date and everything to do with you.

Psychologists have found that humans have a perverse tendency to align their thoughts with their actions to avoid cognitive dissonance.

So when you cancel a date or stand someone up even accidentally, something in the back of your head says, More »

May 19th, 2009 | Tags: advice for singles, alex benzer, dangers of Facebook, Dating Advice, dating dont's, dating mistakes, dating tips, modern dating, ten commandments | Category: Dating for Men, Dating for Men & Women, Dating for Women | Comments (1)

This reader brings up a great question:

Hi! Alex,
I have been enjoying your autoresponder updates.  Thank you!  I am grateful that my friend told me about you!

My question is:

When a man uses vulgar language (mainly the “f” word) around me (and we are just getting to know one another), how do I let him know that I would rather not hear that? Sure, I have heard the word a lot in life (I am 56) and even said it myself a few times (usually softly when no one’s around!), but I feel uncomfortable when a guy uses it in front of me…

Thanks and blessings! Maureen from Seattle

Well well.  This is a universal issue, isn’t it.  How do we ask for what we want when it can potentially offend the person we’re asking?  It also comes up when giving unsolicited (but direly needed) advice: for example, how do you tell someone he or she has bad breath?  Or that her boyfriend is a loser and she needs to dump him pronto?

There are a few motives here working at cross-purposes.  One is genuine concern for the friend.  Second (a corollary to the first) is not wanting to hurt the friend’s feelings.  And the third is to get some relief for yourself.

First of all, I’d like to bring to your attention that of the three motives listed above, only one really matters: your genuine concern for your friend.  Number two, namely not wanting to hurt the friend’s feelings, is still part of the fact that you care.

Forget about relief for yourself and instead frame it thus: “If this person continues to have raging halitosis, More »

May 15th, 2009 | Tags: asking for what you want, Dating Advice, dating tips, difficult conversations, how to give advice, how to give difficult advice | Category: Dating for Men, Dating for Men & Women, Dating for Women | Leave a comment

Today I want to talk a little bit about confidence.  It’s probably more a yang (masculine) quality than a yin (feminine) one.  But I’ll just assume it’s of general interest and address both the men and the women.

First of all, what the heck is confidence?  It’s what linguists call a nominalization - basically a noun that stands in for a bunch of verbs.

Whenever you have a nominalization, you get confusion.  Because each one of us defines that nominalization in our own special way.  So words like ‘confidence’, ‘courage’ and ‘understanding’ effectively have 6.5 billion definitions.

So however you define confidence, let’s agree on this much: it doesn’t exist.  At least not in the traditional sense of existing.

You can’t put it in a wheelbarrow, and you can’t pinpoint its location in your brain in a PET scan.  Not even those fancy, souped up fMRI scans can find it.

It’s a state of mind — some mixture of willingness and self-possession.  It’s a catalyst to action but not action itself.  Whatever it is, like porn, we know it when we see it.

Our discussion today is mostly about social confidence, but it’s applicable to any other kind of confidence that matters to you.

There are four kinds of confidence.  The first kind I’ll call unconscious confidence.

This is a bit like ‘unconscious incompetence’, the first phase of learning, except that you’re not incompetent - you’re SUPER-competent!

This is the fearless confidence of kids. They’ll go up to any stranger and engage in conversation.  They’ll say “I love you” within minutes of meeting you.  They just don’t know any better than to be outrageous and outgoing and do their heart’s desire.

Gradually, through the teachings of parents and culture, they learn that it’s not okay to More »

May 14th, 2009 | Tags: confidence, dating tips for men, dating tips for women, how to be confident, Musashi, transcendence, unconscious competence | Category: Dating for Men, Dating for Men & Women, Dating for Women | Leave a comment

Here’s a great letter I got recently:

I have a question about a guy.  I think you stated I get one free consult question?? I was introduced to a great guy who is the best friend of my best friend’s husband so there is a lot of history there that I knew about before I met him.  This made dating him easy since I knew his awesome character! The only problem I see with this maybe not working out is that his speech is not the greatest.  He is from a small town so he says things like, ” I done, I seen and them guys”.  My question is: Can this be a deal breaker? …or does this really matter?  Or…can I get him to learn a little correct english at age 40?  I am not college educated and my english is not the greatest either, but I cringe whenever those words come out of his mouth.  Otherwise, he is the greatest guy I have ever dated. Thanks for your imput!! Diana

Thanks for writing, Diana.  Your story exemplifies the idea of getting in the way of your own fulfillment.

What matters is how he makes you feel — and how you make him feel.  Nobody’s going to be 100% perfect, so if he’s the greatest guy ever except for this one thing that he says, that’s pretty good.

My friend and fellow advisor Evan Marc Katz says “don’t hit on 20″, which is a metaphor from the game of blackjack that’s highly applicable to this situation.  Why try to improve something that’s already pretty good?

Here’s what i suggest: instead of trying to ‘fix’ him, focus on appreciating him for what he has to offer.

After you’ve done that, you can ask him if he’s interested in sounding even more intelligent.  Only AFTER he’s given his consent can you offer some tips after you have his consent and cooperation.

This is what I call leading with love.  To correct him just to relieve your own annoyance is not done out of love — it’s done out of egotism.  But once you change your orientation to genuine concern about he feels about himself, then you have license to give him a grammar tip.

In my own practice, I first ask clients, “Are you open to feedback?”  After they say yes, I ask, “Would you like me to sugarcoat my statements or to be ruthlessly compassionate?”  Once they’ve chosen the hotness of the sauce, then I proceed.

Also, it’s a good idea to focus on getting your own house in order first.  Perhaps it drives him nuts that you say ‘imput’ instead of ‘input’ and he’s been a perfect gentleman about it all along.  And who knows what dozens of other blindspots we have about our own mannerisms that our friends are too gracious to point out.

So once again, lead with love and you can’t go wrong.  Appreciate and reinforce the parts you like about him and worry less about the rest. If you are going to level some kind of criticism or complaint, remember that Prof John Gottman’s research showed that a 5-to-1 ratio keeps a relationship healthy — 5 nice comments for every one negative one.

May 6th, 2009 | Tags: 5-to-1 ratio, alex benzer, criticism, dating tips for women, getting out of your own way, John Gottman, leading with love, Tao of Dating | Category: Dating for Women | Leave a comment

One of the great reasons to attend seminars is that you just don’t know whom you’ll encounter there.

Last month I had the good fortune to attend Mark Victor Hansen’s Mega Book Marketing Seminar.  As I was getting my network on in the lobby, someone asked me, “Aren’t you going to go see Andy Andrews speak?”

‘Um, who?,’  I thought to my jaded self, and clearly my interlocutor read my mind from the look on my face.  “Oh, he’s terrific - you should definitely go check him out.”

Well, awright, fine.  If Mark and this here guy think Andy’s cool enough to be on the podium, I’ll go see what he has to say - for a few minutes.  Then I’ll slink right back to the lobby and continue schmoozing.

Needless to say, I did not return to the lobby before I had heard every last word Andy Andrews had to say.  Not only were his words uplifting and inspirational, but Andy is one riotously funny dude More »

April 5th, 2009 | Tags: andy andrews, Civil War, crisis, handling crisis, inspirational, persist without exception, recession-buster, seven decisions, traveler's gift, uplifting | Category: Book Reviews, spirit | Leave a comment

One question arises whenever I pronounce the distinctly un-pithy title of my book for women - ‘The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Embracing Your Inner Goddess and Finding the Fulfillment You Deserve‘:

“What qualifies you to write this book?”

Well, nothing really.  See, I actually don’t want you to just listen to me and accept everything I say - the whole point of the exercise is to figure out stuff for yourself.  I present ideas for you to test.  If the principles work for you, use them.  If not, toss them and use something else.  This is better known as the ‘be your own damn guru’ principle.

Moreover, you may have noticed that I’m a guy.  I’m generally pleased with that situation, intermittent requests to die for my country notwithstanding. However, it poses handicaps when attempting to gain deep insight into the feminine psyche.

That’s why I borrow the brains of remarkable women like Marianne Williamson to aid me in the task.  She wrote this great book called A Woman’s Worth that everybody should read, guys included.

I’ve also caught glimpses of the goddess and know what she looks like.  The Taoist principle at work here says that you can’t see a mountain if you’re standing on it.  You, the goddess, are standing upon the mountain of goddesshood.  More »

April 3rd, 2009 | Category: Dating for Women | Comments (1)

I had the pleasure of meeting Dr Eva at a conference here in LA last month where she was speaking.  As is my habit with all readings, I purchased her book and had her sign it (gotta support your friendly neighborhood fellow author, y’know).

At the time, my reading queue was over 30 deep, and I didn’t think I would get around to Dr Eva’s book, The Love Response, for a while.  But the premise was so compelling and close to my heart - subtitle: “Neutralize the physical effects of stress; turn off anger fear and anxiety; restore balance and well-being” - that I found myself cracking it open.  I’m all about bringing together the holistic and the scientific, the spirit and the body, so this was right up my alley.  In two days, I had read it cover to cover.

Let me tell you that this is a magnificent and supremely timely book.  First off, Dr Eva has sterling credentials: medical director of the Mind/Body Medical Institute at the Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston, clinical instructor of medicine at Harvard Medical School, and founder of Alight Center for Healing in Newton, MA.

What I love about this book is how Dr Eva has seamlessly blended together More »

March 29th, 2009 | Tags: Beth Israel Deaconess, Dr Eva, Eva Selhub, Fear Response, Harvard Medical School, Love Response, Mind-Body Institute, overcoming stress, practical spirituality, self-help, SHIELD mnemonic, spirit, stress, well-being | Category: Book Reviews, Dating for Men, Dating for Men & Women, Dating for Women | Leave a comment

First of all, I’d like to say a happy Persian New Year to everyone out there.  The vernal equinox marks the first day of spring as well as the beginning of the Persian calendar.  It’s a time of renewal, rebirth and remembrance, and an excellent excuse to party, which I encourage all of you to do.

Now here’s a letter from a reader a propos last night’s teleseminar:

i listened in to your seminar last night… i had a question. last night the last third of your talk centered around how to help men feel confident enough to approach women. you suggested (and said several times) that women know what to do “naturally” in that scenario.

especially for smart women, i have to disagree: we don’t!

i’d be interested in your suggestions for sexy nerdy girls who either shoot down men who do approach by being too “smart”  (over engaging in intellectual convo too soon with a dude) or ones like me who don’t know how to the “natural” thing and allow men to approach.

feel free to reprint in your email blast. am curious to hear your advice. (my advice to myself is to stop looking at the floor and make eye contact. but easier said than done.) –Samantha, New York City

Thanks for writing in, Sam.

When I say that women naturally know what to do, I mean that they are constantly sending unconscious More »

March 20th, 2009 | Category: Dating for Women | Comments (3)

The teleseminar I’m holding tonight, Thursday 19 March 2009, will elaborate on the concepts from the previous post. It’s free to join us on the call, although there’s only room for 200 listeners, so call in early:

Date: Thu 19 March 2009
Time: 6pm PDT/9pm EDT
Duration: about 60min
Call-in #: 218 486 1300
Access code: 667202

It’s totally, completely and utterly free.  We’ll have some live Q&A time, so lob ‘em at me, baby.

March 19th, 2009 | Tags: Dating Advice, smart people, teleseminar | Category: Dating for Men, Dating for Men & Women, Dating for Women, Sexuality, Tao of Dating Experiment | Leave a comment

Some of you, my astute readers, already noticed that the dating challenges enumerated in the last article - focusing on careers instead of relationships, expecting to be loved for the wrong reasons, not acting like a sexual being, self-sabotaging and ego identity - are not just specific to smart people.  They’re specific to people.  Smart, successful folks simply get a little extra wallop of them.

Well, that’s nice, you say. Now what are we going to do about it, doc?

So glad you asked.  Let’s take them one-by-one:

1) Make meaningful connection to other human beings a priority.

In Tolstoy’s novella The Death of Ivan Ilyich, a rich Russian judge finds himself on his deathbed at age 45.  He’s spent his whole life doing the ‘right’ things - the right education, job, marriage, neighborhood, social circles.  Yet, on the brink of death, he realizes that his life has been More »

March 19th, 2009 | Tags: Anatta, Buddhism, Dating Advice, dating for smart people, Death of Ivan Ilyich, Kahlil Gibran, Kant, poverty-consciousness, Tolstoy, wealth-consciousness | Category: Dating for Men, Dating for Men & Women, Dating for Women | Comments (1)

Greetings from Austin.  I decided to attend the SXSW Interactive Fest at the last minute, and I gotta tell ya - it’s fascinating stuff.  I’ll be blogging periodically from the events and sending updates on talks and my whereabouts via Twitter: @dralexbenzer.  Find me if you’re here!

March 15th, 2009 | Tags: SXSW | Category: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

AB: Another frank, spirited post from The Phoenix.  It’s not all rosy-colored out there… Comments below.

I can’t sleep. It’s 5:41 am, and I am WIDE awake. After 3 failed attempts at sleep, I have actually accomplished quite a few random tasks that needed to be done (bills paid, applications filled out, etc).

Then I start doing the WORST possible thing I can do at 5am. Unblocking the random people I worked so hard to block on a damn social networking site. Good grief. How old am I??? YOU ARE IN YOUR THIRTIES…not 13. This type of behavior reminds me of when my cousin used to make me go with her when she would drive by her crushes house periodically. It’s the equivalent of stalking, just digitally.

AB: Perhaps the social networking sites should be excised as part of the fast.  You didn’t have them in 2003, and your life was fine then.  I’d start with a 1-week holiday.

The Doctor asked me what I meant by my txt today, and it lead to a reasonably uncomfortable More »

March 12th, 2009 | Tags: communications hygiene, dangers of email, dangers of texting, right action, Tao of Dating Experiment, Tao Te Ching, Te | Category: Dating for Women, Tao of Dating Experiment | Comments (1)

AB: Phoenix cracks me up.  My comments in italics, per custom.

I laugh every time I think about that quote. Probably since it was said by a drag queen character in the movie “To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar”. But I can recall thinking or saying that referring to myself at several points throughout my life.

I am a very girlie girl. But I am also a very athletic and adventurous woman. I ride my own motorcycle, I have traveled the world solo, and I actually own 3 different types of saws. I often joke that one of the prerequisites to dating me is that I have to feel confident that if we were walking down a dark alley, my date would be the one who would be better suited to defend us than I would. That and he has to have bigger legs than I do ;)

Perhaps that is why I may be more drawn to the stereotypical Manly Men. Looking at the last few prospects More »

March 11th, 2009 | Tags: balance, femininity, manly men, path of least effort, perils of fasting, struggle, yin and yang | Category: Dating for Women, Tao of Dating Experiment | Comments (1)

AB: This is The Phoenix’s follow-up from the date with the Helmeted Hottie (aka Motorcycle Man).  My comments in italics.

Easy girl. Don’t get too excited just yet. Yes, the date went great and he’s even better looking in person….and the conversation was really good…and he seems to be on the same page….BUT IT’S A FIRST DATE.

***now would be a good time for that meditation***

So the Helmeted Hottie was really great. Better than expected. Granted, he may not be More »

March 10th, 2009 | Tags: mission, service, Tao of Dating Experiment, yang, yin | Category: Dating for Women, Tao of Dating Experiment | Comments (1)

The Phoenix rides again — this time almost literally. My comments in italics.-AB

So I’ve probably read more of the Tao this weekend than I should have in one sitting. I got to the point where I couldn’t just stop, so I ended up reading several chapters. However, that play by play will have to wait.

Right now, I am sitting on my couch, dressed and ready to go meet a new prospect. I haven’t gotten to the part of the Tao that tells me whether or not online dating is a good or a bad thing, so I figure More »

March 9th, 2009 | Tags: bad boys, internet dating, long-distance relationship, Tao of Dating Experiment | Category: Dating for Women | Leave a comment

The Phoenix rides again. See my comment at the end.– AB

I can’t sleep.

That’s pretty normal for me though.  I have a lot on my mind lately.  Work, life, food (a la cleanse = lack of), etc.  I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  There is Fate, but it generally falls into the overall plan.

Tonight I went to Yoga to fulfill my twice a week goal.  I hate going to the gym at night since it’s packed…mostly with women with full on club make-up and with more intention of being picked up More »

March 7th, 2009 | Tags: arjuna, bhagavad gita, chemistry, course in miracles, danger of text message, don miguel ruiz, Fate, four agreements, hard to get, Intention, krishna, Marianne Williamson, Phoenix, Relationships, Rubs, Social Networking Sites, Spring Cleaning, Tao | Category: Dating for Women, Tao of Dating Experiment | Leave a comment

The Phoenix has a new entry up.  I’m so proud of her!  She’s really putting the material to use.  It was my goal to present the material in the book in such a way that the readers would actually implement it, so it’s tremendously gratifying when someone does that.  My hope is that these blog posts can be a catalyst for you, my dear reader sitting at her computer screen, to put the material to use as well.

My comments will be in italics henceforth.

Chapter 2: Who You Really Are

I read this chapter by candlelight while soaking in my tub last Thursday evening. It made such an impact that I have taken a week to marinate in the thoughts and the emotions that those thoughts stirred. I was already coping with the realization that it may not be the men in LA that are the problem, but the problem may just lie More »

March 6th, 2009 | Tags: Absence Makes The Heart, Anatta, Boys And Girls, Candlelight, Catalyst, Computer Screen, Emotions, Eve, Excuse, Fulfillment, Italics, Laptop, Last Thursday, Natural Time, Phoenix, Positive Changes, Realization, reminder technique, Social Networking Sites, Source Of Information, Tao, Tao of Dating Experiment, tao of dating for women, Tough Town | Category: Dating for Women, Tao of Dating Experiment | Leave a comment

The Phoenix speaks again:

“First impressions: Sinking gut. That lead weight feeling you get when you know you’ve really messed something up. As I read the “Introduction I couldn’t skip” I felt a wave of self pity wash over me. I was these women Dr. Alex was describing.

I had flashbacks to my last blog joking about my wild attraction to guys without jobs or enough money to even take me out on a decent date…it really isn’t all that funny. I do want a “Good Guy”. As I read the description of what I want aka The Good Guy (strong internal compass, leader, comfortable in his own skin, knows what he wants, etc) I could hear my inner optimist screaming, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”, but once I finished the paragraph my inner pessimist chimed in with, “pshaw, yeah right…not in LA.”

“When you chase anything in life, you are affirming More »

March 5th, 2009 | Tags: dating tips for women, intelligent woman, overachiever, possession, successful, Tao of Dating | Category: Dating for Women, Tao of Dating Experiment | Comments (1)

This is the second installment of Phoenix’s Tao of Dating experiment:

I had lunch with the Brazilian today. He called around 11am just as I was about to head out the door to grab lunch in Santa Monica. “Sure, I’ll meet you for lunch”.

We met sometime last summer on a popular dating website. He was great looking, successful, intelligent…but fresh out of a failed marriage (about a year and a half fresh). We shared a love of adventure, extreme sports, and were both confessed gear whores. (Is there such a thing as REI anonymous?) More »

March 5th, 2009 | Category: Dating for Women, Tao of Dating Experiment | Leave a comment

This is a great point, and a challenge particular to all the smart women out there. It’s a little bit like the issue tall women experience: many guys are simply uncomfortable being shorter than their mate. The fact is that the tall women themselves aren’t usually hung up on that — it’s the guys who take themselves out of the running. In the end, the guy you want to be with will be so comfortable in his own skin such that all this will be a non-issue.
More on Relationships
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

March 3rd, 2009 | Category: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of ‘Eat Pray Love’, gave a TED talk about genius which I really liked (www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html). She said that it’s not about *being* a genius, but rather about each of us *having* a genius, in the original Latin sense of the word. There is greatness within each one of us which is worth nurturing. It’s an inclusive and life-affirming message, and one we would do well to propagate.

The power is within you,
Dr Alex
http://www.taoofdating.com
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March 2nd, 2009 | Category: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

RHR –

Please do not ever dumb it down, under any circumstance. There are legions of men who love you because of your eloquence and intellect, and it would be a crime to deprive the world of your gift.

Settling means giving up what truly matters to you and enriches your life for something that doesn’t. That’s just not a path to fulfillment.

The point is to be very clear on what really matters — and what doesn’t. Once you start having too many requirements, then you start being in self-imposed loneliness. Practice keeping your heart open just to make sure you remember how, but if there isn’t someone who meets your minimum requirements, then it’s perfectly okay to spend some time with yourself. I mean, you are pretty good company, right?
More on Relationships
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March 2nd, 2009 | Category: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The Tao of Dating is getting ready for prime time with our first article up on The Huffington Post.  Check it out there, and if you like it, Digg it, spread the word via Facebook, and post a comment:

I have a mini-confession to make: I wrote the Tao of Dating books specifically for really smart people.  The writing of the books was precipitated by the endemic dating woes on the Harvard campus, as I observed them as an advisor and earlier, indulged in them as a student.

Those kids graduate and pretty much continue to have the same dating woes — only now with fewer single people around who happen to live in the same building and share meals with them every day.  So if they had challenges then, it gets about 1000 times worse once they’re tossed from the warm womb of alma mater.

From my observations, the following dating challenges seem to be common to most smart people.  In fact, the smarter you are, the more clueless you will be, and the more problems you’re going to have in your dating life.  Once upon a day I used to be pretty smart, and believe me, I had a lock on clueless.

On the one hand, this makes no sense.  Smart people can figure stuff out, right?  And this stuff is simple!

On the other hand, it makes total sense.  For simple things, it takes someone smart to really screw it up…

Continue here on The Huffington Post.

March 2nd, 2009 | Tags: dating smart people, Huffington Post | Category: Uncategorized | Leave a comment