Recently, a reader posed one of the all-time classic dating questions:
Hi Dr. Ali,
I listened to your book, The Tao of Dating for Women. I’m successful, I love myself, I’m all about the Tao and being happy in the world as it is. I can channel the “O Brother Where Art Thou” scene. Here’s my problem: I get infatuated with men too quickly, before I have a chance to actually get to know them. I beckon to men who in retrospect weren’t worth beckoning to. My imagination makes a version of them in my head that I fall in love with, then I end up disappointed with the actual guy when I learn he’s a human like everyone else and doesn’t offer that fulfillment his imaginary counterpart offers.
Any tips?
I’m grateful for the time and research you put into your books and endeavors, you’ve helped me and I’m sure many others. Dating is pretty damn exciting. Thank you! Cheers, Sarah
This is such a great question because it addresses a root challenge everyone has. It really does affect everyone, because it’s about a key feature of the human brain. And it touches upon the most mind-boggling thing I learned this year.
Are you ready for it? Here it is: according to the latest understanding of neuroscience, we don’t really perceive the world through our senses. Say what?!
Apparently, the brain, based on scant information, generates a quick model of what it thinks is happening. Then it refines that model by taking into account the “prediction error” provided by sensory input coming in from our eyes, ears, nose, mouth, skin, etc. Prof Andy Clark elaborates on this in his engrossingly thought-provoking book The Experience Machine: How Our Minds Predict and Shape Reality.
The technical term for this is top-down processing, meaning that the Boss (aka your brain) takes in a little bit of information, then confidently proclaims, “Hey, I think we’re looking at a floating trash can.” Then your eyes chime in and say, “Um, I think the shadow thing is actually a puddle. And, by the way, trash cans don’t float.” After this prediction error goes to the brain’s higher processing centers, the model gets updated and you see a regular non-floating trash can.
Why does your brain make deficient models of reality based on scant information? To save energy, that’s why. Your brain is the most energy-hungry organ in your body, using up 20% of your oxygen and glucose even though it’s only 2% of your weight. Before the advent of Whole Foods market and hot dog carts, food was scarce for the first 3 million years of hominin evolution. So it made sense to have a brain that was super-efficient at generating a good-enough model of reality. Good enough to survive—but not necessarily to thrive.
What does this have to do with getting infatuated with potential partners before getting to know them well? Everything, it turns out.
When you meet a new hottie, your brain rapidly goes off to make a model based on scant information: “Oh yeah this one’s great!” Based on some sketchy heuristics and very few real data points (age, height, profession, looks, proclivity for Radiohead and bad puns), it makes a snap judgment.
Unfortunately, the track record of this snap judgment is not very good. Next thing you know, you think this guy’s a mashup of Adonis, Apollo, and Clooney. Your brain starts to make stories about how great he is, even though you hardly know anything about him.
This is problematic for many reasons. First, it can result in bad matches. Less obviously, the disappointment hangover of the real version of guy colliding with the fantasy in your head can derail a potentially decent match! Fantasies don’t come free, apparently.
So how do we change this lose-lose situation? Some ideas, straight out of my essential new book, The 5 Hidden Love Questions: Radically Simple Strategies to Date Smarter, Own Your Power, and Flourish (now available in ebook, print and audiobook formats):
1) Extend the length of courtship. For most of human history, when people were nomadic or lived in small villages, people had a lot of time but not a lot of choice in mates. Now that we live in big, busy cities, we have a lot of choice but not a lot of time. So to make better matches, you want to extend the length of courtship so it better resembles the environment our brains are adapted to: more time, less choice. Per The Tao of Dating, if someone has any potential, resolve to go on at least 3 dates before consigning them to Friendzone oblivion.
2) Limit choice. This is the second half of the “more time, less choice” protocol. You want to get off the dating apps, because they expose you to thousands of potential partners. This creates too much choice for our paleolithic brains and puts it in maximizer mode, where you get super-picky and try to go for Mr Perfect instead of Mr Good Enough for You. I call this “Fancy Feast syndrome,” since it’s like turning you into a feline that won’t eat regular food after tasting high-end Fancy Feast. Chapter 3.5 of the book is all about this, as is this here article on the 10 supremely compelling reasons you should delete your dating apps right now.
3) Take your imagination less seriously. Having an active imagination is a powerful advantage in creative endeavors; less so when choosing a partner. So take a step back from your own thoughts to see them as the patterns of electrical activity that they are, and not necessarily absolute reality. And hey, the brain’s making inaccurate maps all the time anyway (see levitating trashcan)—you sure you want to take it so seriously?
Meditation helps create that essential distance between you and your thoughts. Eastern wisdom traditions call this witness consciousness. If you already have a meditative practice, good on you and please continue forever. If not, it’s a little bit like that old saying about planting a tree. Best time to do it? Twenty years ago. Second best time? Today. Start meditating, like, now.
4) Have a definite outcome in mind. A remarkable fact about the 5000 or so letters I’ve received from my readers: none of them contained a real question with an outcome in mind. For example: “What’s your take, doc?”, or “Any tips?”, as in the current letter.
Considering how your choice of partner is the biggest decision you’ll ever make, you absolutely positively want to have a well-defined outcome in mind when it comes to courtship. Would this person make a good partner, spouse, or parent? Do they demonstrate the Katz Criteria—character, consistency, communication, kindness, and commitment? Or my five ASKOR qualities: accountability, self-awareness, kindness, optimism, and resilience?
What’s more important than which framework you use is to have some values-based framework by which to evaluate potential partners. This not only keeps you from just rolling the dice and hoping for the best, but also sharpens your vision to spot great matches that may be less obvious.
And now, things get interesting. Enter the Dr Ali-bot. (You may now stop reading if I’ve satisfactorily answered the original question. But if you’ve read this far, clearly you’re the curious type, so keep going.)
I went to Microsoft Copilot, and gave the prompt to read my blog articles, then to answer this question in my voice: ‘How can I prevent getting infatuated with men who are not a good match for me?’ Voilà Dr Ali-bot’s response:
“Ah, my dear seeker of love and wisdom, you’ve come to the right place. Buckle up, because we’re about to embark on a journey through the tangled jungle of infatuation, armed with the machete of neuroscience, the compass of psychology, and the ancient scrolls of Eastern wisdom. Dr. Ali Binazir, at your service.
Step 1: Know Thy Brain. Our brains are like overeager puppies, sniffing out novelty and chasing after shiny objects. When you meet a new man, your brain lights up like a Christmas tree. It’s a dopamine fiesta! But here’s the kicker: dopamine doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care if the guy is a Nobel laureate or a professional couch surfer. So, my dear, before you start composing sonnets about his jawline, take a deep breath and remind yourself: “This is just my brain on dopamine. It’s not a sign from the universe.”
Step 2: The ‘Not-So-Subtle’ Art of Self-Delusion. Ah, the human mind! It’s like a magician’s hat, pulling rabbits out of thin air. You meet a guy, and suddenly he’s the reincarnation of Prince Charming. He’s kind, he’s witty, and he even recycles! But wait, did you notice that he also leaves his socks on the floor and thinks “Game of Thrones” is a documentary? Yep, that’s your brain doing somersaults to fit him into the “perfect partner” box. So, my dear, put on your skeptic glasses and see him for who he truly is: a fellow human with quirks and idiosyncrasies. No magic spells required.
Step 3: The Tao of Compatibility. Now, let’s consult the ancient scrolls. Buddhism teaches us impermanence, my friend. Everything changes, including our infatuations. So, instead of asking, “Is he my soulmate?” ask, “Is he my now mate?” Compatibility isn’t about finding someone who checks all the boxes; it’s about finding someone whose weirdness complements your weirdness. Like yin and yang, but with more laughter and fewer fortune cookies.
Step 4: The Art of Detachment. Picture this: you’re floating down a river on an inflatable unicorn. The current is strong, and you’re clutching onto a branch for dear life. That branch? Yep, that’s your infatuation. Now, my dear, loosen your grip. Detach. Let the river carry you. Because when you cling too tightly, you suffocate the magic. Breathe. Enjoy the ride. And if the unicorn turns out to be a rubber ducky, well, at least you had a good float.
Step 5: The ‘No-BS’ Zone. Psychology time! Set your boundaries like a boss. If he’s flaky, inconsistent, or allergic to commitment, wave your red flag. Remember, you’re not auditioning for the role of “Woman Who Puts Up with Nonsense.” You’re the star of your own rom-com, and you deserve a co-star who knows their lines and shows up for rehearsals. So, my dear, when in doubt, channel your inner Buddha and say, “Namaste, drama. I’m out.”
In summary, my intrepid seeker, infatuation is like a summer thunderstorm—intense, electrifying, and fleeting. Embrace it, dance in the rain, but don’t forget your umbrella of wisdom. And when the lightning strikes, ask yourself: “Is this a passing shower or a Category 5 hurricane?” Choose wisely, my friend. The Tao of Dating salutes you.
P.S. If all else fails, remember that chocolate and good friends are excellent antidotes to infatuation”
—End of AI response to question
Okay, so how crazy was that?! The AI convincingly mimicked my tone and style. It cracked a bunch of jokes, some of them better than mine. It came up with a list of stuff, just like I did—and a pretty good list at that! You could argue that 3 of the 5 were in my own response above, albeit with less scientific detail. And the masterstroke of putting a chocolate emoji in the answer? Hard to argue with that kind of genius.
Still, us humans have a persistent advantage over software: we know what it’s like to be human. My new book, The 5 Hidden Love Questions, is about just that. Think of it as a reference manual for recognizing and stopping the patterns that give our power away and make us less happy (e.g. infatuation with wrong person). Down with self-sabotage; up with thriving! Time to change the game.
So if you’ve ever felt:
- not enough
- powerless in a relationship
- physically or psychologically unsafe
- unsure of what you want or who you really are
then a) you’re in the same boat as the rest of the planet and b) the book’s for you! It’s the best of Western science and Eastern wisdom to help you thrive and flourish, and I hope you get a lot out of it.
To your continued growth, Dr Ali (aka Dr Victor)