Dr. Ali Binazir, Happiness Engineer

How to Get Over a Breakup: Professional Edition

I had a breakup recently. It sucked royally.

Except that it wasn’t even a breakup. The woman just stopped returning my communications. Calls unanswered. Voicemails not returned. Texts unacknowledged. Emails languishing in a mailbox, gathering e-dust. Hell, I even wrote her a handwritten letter. Four pages long! Hadn’t done that in over 15 years. Still nothing.

Breakups are never fun, but of all the ways one can be dumped, the disappearing act probably feels the worst. I mean, it’s one thing to say to my face that I’m a terrible boyfriend/husband/partner/lover and you can’t stand me anymore for reasons X, Y and Z, spurious or true. It’s a completely different thing to vanish completely. Because in the former case, the mind perceives it as rejection, which registers in the same part of the brain as a poke in the eye That pain is so similar to regular pain that it is ameliorated by acetaminophen (aka Tylenol, paracetamol). Bet you didn’t know that.

But when someone goes poof, the brain perceives it as a death. So you don’t just experience the pain of rejection, which is bad enough already. You go into mourning.

The disconcerting news is that this kind of thing seems to be happening with such frequency nowadays that it has a name: ghosting. How fucking terrifying is that?

So lest anyone think that the existence of this word somehow legitimizes the practice, let me make this clear: ghosting is an act of violence. If you ghost on someone — especially someone with whom you until very recently used to share secrets, food, bed space and bodily fluids, and was basically decent to you — you are a horrible, terrible, awful human being. This is an act of omission that is very much an act of commission: you are leaving someone for dead. And nice people don’t do that.

But I’m preaching to the choir here, because you’re probably reading this to recover from a breakup, not to inflict one. Well, you’ve come to the right place darlin’, because I’ve been on the receiving end of a lot of these. I should know from breakups.

There’s more that makes a breakup painful than the pain of rejection and mourning, however. You also come to (more…)

Continue To Article

Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 28 October 2015

FOR MEN: The Central Tenet of Dating Success With Women – A post ten years in the making

GENTLEMEN – This post has been a long time in the making. In the past few years that I’ve been mostly writing for women, I have also been compiling notes for a revision of The Tao of Dating: The Thinking Man’s Enlightened Guide to Success With Women. I wrote the book in 2005, so not only has the science of human mating and relating moved forward, but my thinking has evolved, too.

This evolution has partially been in the direction of a Zen maxim from Shunryu Suzuki: “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities; in the expert’s mind there are few.” And then there is the famous quote attributed to Leonardo da Vinci: “Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”

So what I’d like to do in this short article is to attempt the ultimate in simplicity: to boil down all of the science and anecdotal information on how to succeed romantically with women to one main principle. Can it be done? I’ll let you be the judge.

Here’s the big idea: (more…)

Continue To Article

Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 22 January 2015

The body language of love and attraction

Last week I read a book I’d been meaning to read for a long time — Love Signals: A Practical Field Guide to the Body Language of Courtship by David Givens, Ph.D. It turned out to be even better than expected. In fact, I made 163 highlights and took 19 pages of notes!

Now we’ve all heard the term body language and are aware of how it works to some extent. But the word language is not even a metaphor here. Body language is literally a language, and if you’re not familiar with the vocabulary and syntax, you might miss something life-alteringly important.

Luckily, language operates at an unconscious level, so you’ve probably been doing a good job of understanding body language all along. At the same time, a little bit of extra training can put you way ahead of the competition – and enrich the experience of peoplewatching next time you’re in a public place.

Here are some fascinating snippets from the book:

— You have a whole center in the temporal lobes of your brain dedicated to responding to (more…)

Continue To Article

Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 29 July 2014

How to Love Yourself: A Mini-Manual

A great question from Marcia, of the epic email exchange from not so long ago:

“So my question is, how do you love yourself, what does it mean to love yourself and what are the things that you can really do and practice to love yourself. I am interested to know your personal opinion on what loving yourself truly means. I really respect your work and I believe what you have to share is important and that is why I am reaching out to you. I look forward to your reply.  Many thanks and much love and light, Marcia

Hmm… you ask what it means to love oneself and how to do it, as simply as you would ask for a puff pastry at the bakery. No sweat!

I’d like to bring to your attention that you also have an answer, and that your answer as good as mine. More on that later. But instead of trafficking in semantics, I’d like to dive directly into things you can do to make yourself feel better. We start with the simple and go to the more advanced: (more…)

Continue To Article

Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 7 May 2014

Men: Why do you pull back?

Gentlemen — First off, I swear I haven’t forgotten you. For the past couple of years, I’ve been compiling notes for a rewrite of The Tao of Dating for Men, and it’s going to be dyn-o-mite once it’s done. I’ll be sharing bits and pieces of the new material with you to get your take on it before doing anything drastic like unleashing it upon the public, so stay posted.

What I have been doing for a little while is listening to women, their stories and their questions. And this is the question they’ve been asking me a lot recently: 

“Why do men pull back? Why do they disappear? Why do they stop calling me?”

Well, I wrote a post about it recently, but apparently the ladies want to know more. So I want to hear it from you. You’ve had relationships that you ended (or let fade away). Why did you let it fizzle? Why did you stop calling? I know exactly why my friends stop calling a woman, but I want to hear your version. Leave your story in a comment below, or write to me directly.

Continue To Article

Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 29 October 2013

Recording of “Compelling People” interview with John Neffinger

Below is an MP3 recording of the interview I did with John Neffinger, co-author of Compelling People: The Hidden Qualities That Make Us Influential. Now I’ve known John for a while, so I was able to extract some top tips from his book for your delectation and enrichment. Also, John was kind enough to answer questions for 30 extra minutes, which means this interview is 90 minutes of information-packed usefulness. Some of what we covered:

• The tug-of-war between how warm we appear and how much strength we project, and how to balance the two
• Tips for nailing a job interview
• How warmth and strength figured in the fall and rise of Hillary Clinton’s 2008 Presidential campaign
• The secret of the powerful smile which projects warmth without diminishing strength
• The special challenges that race and gender present that make projecting strength tricky
• Exercises to improve the way you present yourself right now

Download JohnNeffinger_CompellingPeople1013, stick it on your iPhone or iPod or Android gizmo, and listen to it on your daily drive. Or listen to it using the media player here: 

Continue To Article

Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 16 October 2013

Five ways success may be hurting your love life

If you’re reading this, chances are you’re a hard worker and have accomplished a fair amount in your life. Maybe you have an advanced degree, made vice president at your firm, or started a great company. And maybe in spite of success in your career, success in your love life has still been elusive.

But what if it’s not despite your success but because of it that your love life is anemic? What if success is inadvertently driving love away from you? Over the years of writing books on love for smart, educated, successful folks like yourself and advising thousands of you, here’s what I’ve observed and some suggested remedies.

1. You think success is more important than love.

The biggest impediment to love that I’ve noticed is that people spend so much time on their careers that they don’t have time for people. Between conferences, meetings, all-night coding sessions, month-long trials, overnight hospital shift, and report deadlines, who’s got time for love? Isn’t that a luxury to be attended to once all the important stuff is done?

Wrong. In his magisterial book, Triumphs of Experience: The Men of the Harvard Grant Study, Dr George Vaillant of Harvard Medical School summarized the findings of the 75-year long ongoing study (more…)

Continue To Article

Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 7 May 2014

Interview with Shana James: What women need before they can let you in (audio)

Gentlemen – Have you had any of the following thoughts or experiences?

•  You feel alone and disconnected during sex
•  You put so much attention on making a woman feel good that you lose sight of my own pleasure
•  You felt the spark fade suddenly while having sex and didn’t know how to get it back
•  You’ve had “performance anxiety”
•  You wonder if your skills are up to par or if other guys are better
•  It’s awkward to transition from having a conversation to being sexual
•  Women act hot and cold with you and only open to your advances sometimes
•  You’re confused about why some women light up around you but others don’t
•  You’ve been getting close to a woman when she suddenly chose another man over you

If so, you’re not alone. I recently did an hourlong interview with my friend & colleague Shana James on “Sex, Orgasm and Intimacy: What Women Need Before They Can (more…)

Continue To Article

Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 24 August 2013

Does unconditional love exist?

Hi Dr Ali,

I’m hoping that you can help me to resolve an inner conflict. My understanding of unconditional love is that you accept a person exactly as he is; you do not try to change him. My understanding of boundary setting is that you explain to a person when his behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable or disrespected, and if the behaviour persists, you walk away. If you say to a person “I accept that this is who you are, but I do not accept this behaviour in my life, so I need to leave this relationship”, are you not putting conditions on how you are receiving the person? The person may even believe that he is acting in a loving way, doing his best, yet he is repeatedly demonstrating this behaviour that makes you feel not so great. I know that you are a proponent of “no ego”, but isn’t boundary setting automatically an act of egoism? Walking away from a relationship from a place of “self-love” or “self-respect” still requires “self” or ego. Is there any way to integrate the concepts of unconditional love and boundary setting, which seem to be mutually exclusive? — Tammy from Ottawa, Canada

Thanks for a great letter, Tammy! Unconditional love, boundaries, ego – all great concepts. And it’s important to remember that they are just that – abstract concepts. Of those, perhaps unconditional love is the most abstract. At best, it’s an unattainable ideal, like the horizon, and at worst a stressful hobby, like chainsaw juggling.

In fact, the whole point of love between two adults is (more…)

Continue To Article

Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 24 August 2013

Love, Dating & Happiness at Harvard: Ali Binazir at the Harvard Alumni Association

I gave a 14min talk at a gathering of fellow Harvard alumni in Cambridge in June 2013. Hope you find it useful. (more…)

Continue To Article

Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 7 May 2014

For a great time, keep these two body parts open

Recently I came back from a stay in Europe, where several of my friends were generous enough to host me. As an extra perk of these visits, I got to know these friends a lot better.

After hearing the stories of their romantic woes, I realized that to have a fulfilling love life, there are two body parts that you need to be sure to keep open. No, it’s not the right leg and left leg, although those are important, too. It’s your eyes and your heart.

What do I mean by keeping your eyes open? It means that you exercise discernment. You’re looking closely to see if this person would make a good match for you. Is she sweet? Is he gainfully employed? Educated? Good family? Mentally stable? In good health? If you’re interested in a long-term match, these factors really matter when selecting a partner.

At the same time, you want to keep your (more…)

Continue To Article

Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 7 May 2014

The book reviewer vs the autograph-seeker: the secret to consistent success with women

I like books. A lot. So I go to book readings whenever a good one pops up in the neighborhood.

Now book signings have straightforward protocols. You find a seat. You listen to the author talk about his book. Then you buy a copy, stand in line, and get 14.8 seconds with the author while he scrawls your name in there – make sure you have the yellow sticky note lest ‘Ali’ become ‘Holly’ – and autographs it.

Considering how authors create some of the longest-lasting artifacts of a culture, hey, they deserve to have groupies. And it’s fun to be a little starstruck by Michael Chabon, James Watson or Oliver Sacks. And it’s not like these people get recognized on the street, so it must be fun for them to feel like a celebrity for a half hour, until they walk out of Barnes & Noble bookstore back into relative anonymity.

But let’s make things clear here: when you’re the autograph-seeker, you’re in the position of the (more…)

Continue To Article

Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 23 May 2012