Dr. Ali Binazir, Happiness Engineer

Modern Science and Ancient Wisdom for Living the Good Life

  • This is Your Brain on Love

    Here’s a great summary of some of the current thinking on what happens to your noggin when you’re in love (or lust).  The name of one of the researchers is Timothy Loving — you can’t make that kind of thing up.

    (CNN) — Poets, novelists and songwriters have described it in countless turns of phrase, but at the level of biology, love is all about chemicals.

    Although the physiology of romantic love has not been extensively studied, scientists can trace the symptoms of deep attraction to their logical sources.

    “Part of the whole attraction process is strongly linked to physiological arousal as a whole,” said Timothy Loving (his real name), assistant professor of human ecology at the University of Texas, Austin. “Typically, that’s going to start with things like increased heart rate, sweatiness and so on.” Continued here

  • Why Really Smart Guys Have Tough Love Lives

    I had my first kiss when I was 19.

    Her name was Emma. She was also 19, with an irresistible English accent and very cute to boot. I was pretty sure that I was going to marry her.

    Except that she dumped me, pulverizing my heart into nanoparticles. It was the only time in my life that I got depressed: poor sleep, suppressed appetite, lotsa Kafka. It kinda sucked.

    The next kiss didn’t come for another 4 years, when I was in medical school. That’s also when my career as a professional virgin came to an end. To understate things, I was a late bloomer in the realm of romance.

    I wasn’t stupid or ugly. No hermit, either – knew most people on campus. No, I was just clueless.

    Turns out that the skill set required to navigate the tricky waters of romantic interaction wasn’t in any book I had read or any class I had taken. Mom, dad, the sex-ed teacher – none of them had taught me any of this stuff.

    This is a serious omission, since our relationships with others are the biggest (more…)

  • ‘Happiness Project’ by Gretchen Rubin Video Review

    If Aristotle was correct in calling happiness the summum bonum of life — the chief good, the ultimate thing we all strive for in all our strivings — then The Happiness Project is a sure-fire recipe for having more of it.

    A fun, funny and wise book written by Gretchen Rubin, a regular HuffingtonPost.com contributor, it’s a distillation of the wisdom of the ages on happiness. It provides eminently practical ways to amplify your happiness pretty much immediately (e.g. gossip less; exercise more; launch a pet project).

    In this video review, I share my impressions on The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun. Be sure to check out also my interview with Gretchen, her excellent blog, and the supremely useful resources of her Happiness Project Toolbox.

    If you like the video, please show signs of life by rating it and leaving comments!


  • Project Haiti, Day 3

    Awright, troops.  So far eight of you have responded to the Haiti Challenge.  Each of these gentlemen has donated $25 or more to Physicians in Health (pih.org) in support of their relief efforts in Haiti. Here they are:

    Stephen B of Alberta
    Tyler M of Austin
    Kevin W of Idaho
    Matthew C of Pennsylvania
    Wade H of California
    Matt T of New Jersey
    Matt C of Surrey, UK
    Amir F of Alberta
    Brad F of Right Around Here Somewhere

    This is a great start.  91 to go!

  • Carless isn’t hopeless: a woman weighs in

    Got this great letter from Kristi in Portland, Oregon, and thought I’d share it with the group.  It’s great advice for our good man Justin from Rochester (for whom being legally blind presented a challenge in his love life) and I agree with it.

    Here’s the thing: at the outset of a relationship, we’re all in ‘maximum rejection’ mode.  We’re looking for bits of information to simplify our decision-making.  We’re seeking deal-breakers more than we’re looking for points of commonality.

    That’s why it’s important to titrate the information you reveal to one another so it’s all in context.  The normal course of a friendship is to get to know someone gradually, not to dump a whole bunch of information on ’em at once.  That way you come to appreciate the person first, and subsequent information is seen in that favorable halo.

    Now on to the letter from Kristi:

    Dear Alex,

    First of all I want to thank you for writing The Tao of Dating for Women. It’s been very helpful for me in recent months and I feel positive about the changes I’ve been making to improve my dating life.

    This brings me to why I wrote you today—your blog post about Justin from Rochester and the whole no car situation. In the last year, I have been on dates with eight different men. (Don’t laugh. This is a huge improvement.) Only two of them owned cars, and one of guy’s cars wasn’t running. I only went out with the other guy because (more…)

  • Haiti Challenge, Day 1

    Awright, gentlemen.  I’m going to make this quick.  And I’m going to make it a no-brainer.

    I want to make you an irresistible offer so you can help Haiti in its time of need, and help yourself in your personal development and love life.  You also become a Tao of Dating customer, with all its exalted honors and benefits.

    Basically, I’m going to donate all the proceeds from the sale of ‘The Tao of Dating for Men’ ebook for the next three days.

    Here’s how it works:

    1. Go to the Partners in Health website.  They’re one of the most effective and efficient nonprofits working on the ground.
    https://donate.pih.org/page/contribute/haiti_earthquake?source=earthquake&subsource=homepage

    2. Make a donation of $25 or more.

    3. In the spot on the right-hand side that says ‘Honor someone with your contribution’, put in ‘Alex Benzer’ and my email, dralex@taoofdating.com.
    THIS PART IS REALLY IMPORTANT.  You need to get my email address right, so make sure you copy and paste it correctly in the box.

    4. When I get the notification email, I’ll send you a link to purchase ‘The Tao of Dating for Men’ ebook for $1 (regular price $59.95).

    Pretty simple.

    I’ll be doing another ‘Project Superman’ session tomorrow, which is free to my customers (and only my customers), so the timing couldn’t be more auspicious.

    I’ll keep you all updated on the blog for how the challenge goes.

    Do your part
    AB

    PS: Research has shown definitively that we feel even better after spending money on other people than when we buy ourselves stuff.  Well, here you’re spending it on you AND on others at the same time.  You can only win.  Do it!

  • What’s Your Excuse? Transform Shortcomings into Unfair Advantages in Two Steps

    Here’s a letter I got today which really got me thinking:

    Hello Dr. Alex;

    I recently purchased your book, “The Tao of Dating for Men”, and read through the entire book in two days (could not put it down).  I am going back now to read it in more depth and do the exercises.

    First, I wanted to compliment you on “The Tao of Dating for Men” which I just completed. This superb piece of work is not simply a gimmicky how-to-get-laid-quick guide, but a collection of great insights based on psychology, biology, historical accounts, and sociology.

    Second, I was hoping to get your feedback on an issue which complicates my ability to employ some of your strategies.  Putting aside all the mistakes I have admittedly made, based on the book, I am more so handicapped by a physical disability which has rendered me legally, but not clinically blind.  I do not drive, but moved from a big city to the suburbs because my wife could drive, got divorced and am stuck with no car.  Daily living is handled by buses, taxis, friends and family.  Dating is a different story – and I find this issue invariably kills me on the first date when I am asked where my car is, and then tell them I took a taxi and then have to admit I don’t drive after the interrogation.

    How do I remain in control (‘the buyer’) while being put at such a disadvantage?  Even if things were to progress to a second date (assuming I correctly employ your techniques, and get past the driving issue on the first date), how do I not assume a more passive position to these women if I can’t drive them around? If I am not the one in control, how will I ever succeed in the dating world?

    I appreciate any insights you would be willing to offer.

    Thank You.

    Justin F., Rochester, NY

    Glad you wrote in, Justin, and thanks for the kind words. “Superb piece of work”, “a soul-lifting book of staggering genius” and “the greatest book, like, ever” are exactly the kind of understated praise I can respect.  Keep ’em coming.

    Now this one’s a pretty common challenge that comes up.  Actually, it’s the most common one that my readers ask me about: “I have a handicap that cannot be overcome.”  Heck, come to think of it, it may be the only one.  (more…)

  • Project Superman, Episode 1

    Gentlemen —

    As those of you on my mailing list know, today (actually in 15min) is the first installment of Project Superman.  It’s a little bit hush-hush, so if you want to get in on the action, make sure you sign up for the men’s newsletter here on the left, and we’ll catch you on the call.

    For those of you who are wondering about the time, it’s at 6pm PT/9pm ET and will last 30-40min.  If you’re coming here after the call, please post your comments below.  What did you like about it?  What would you like more of?  What would you change about it?  How do you feel now?  How effective is it a couple of days out?  I’m very, very curious about your feedback.

  • Is Los Angeles the Toughest Town for Singles?

    Little known fact: I went to high school in Los Angeles, so I’m kind of from Los Angeles.  So when I found myself back in LA after a long hiatus, it was a bit of a homecoming.  I looked forward to perpetually sunny climes, rollerblading on the boardwalk, and the general openness of the people.  The perceived abundance of friendly, fit women didn’t hurt either.

    However, the quality of my love life was worse than it had been in any other city.  For the first two years, I just assumed I had suddenly gotten ugly and stupid.  Then I heard multitudes of other people voicing similar experiences.

    Now after six years of being in this town, conducting dating seminars, answering thousands of readers’ letters and writing The Tao of Dating for Women and The Tao of Dating for Men, I’m pretty sure that Los Angeles is a particularly tough city to be single in – perhaps the toughest in the US.  Here are one man’s observations on the challenges of socializing and dating in LA: (more…)

  • Dating Advice: Your New Year’s Eve Midnight Makeout Plan

    Awright boys and girls. I’m going to make this quick and I’m going to make this sweet.

    In 24hrs, you will have one of the best opportunities for ‘success’ with with the opposite sex, however you define that for yourself. Or at least of meeting someone new.

    This is because Thursday, 31 December 2009 is New Year’s Eve. And in every country using the Gregorian calendar, it’s an occasion for serious merrymaking.

    In the US, along with Halloween (Oct 31) and Valentine’s Day (Feb 14), it is one of the three best days of the year for meeting someone new.

    New Year’s Eve is probably the best of the three aforementioned holidays. Why? ‘Cause everyone gets a ‘get out of jail free’ card for NYE. Engaging in borderline scandalous behavior is exactly what you’re expected to do — it’s like everyone’s in Las Vegas the whole time. And everyone is expected to be kissing someone at the stroke of midnight.

    So first, the guide for the ladies: (more…)