Quick announcement: My excellent friend and colleague, Dr Katherine Woodward Thomas, the author of Calling in the One, which I consider to be one of the best dating books ever written for women, is having a free class on Aug 26 entitled “How To Release Your Hidden Barriers To Love & Become Magnetic To Your Soulmate.” She’s really great. I’ll be telling you more about it in the coming days. In the meantime, you can sign up for it here.
Now, on to the reader’s letter:
Hi Dr. Ali — I slept with this guy that I felt strong chemistry with on our second date. How can I “redeem” myself so that he can look at me seriously? What approach to I take to help him see me as g/f or wife material? I am currently reading your book “Tao of Dating” and assume that applying the ideas of masculating your man, giving grace, praise, etc. will help direct his thinking…Thanks, Jacqueline
Oh my! I didn’t know that you needed to be redeemed for freely following your own desire and sharing a great time with a man. Instead, may I suggest that:
1) You have done nothing wrong. So you don’t need any redemption. Can I get a “hallelujah”?
2) Be the buyer instead of being the seller. Right now, the frame that you’re using is “How can I get him to like me more.” This is the seller stance, and it does not empower you.
Instead of figuring out ways for him to “take you seriously” or otherwise find you desirable in a particular way, think in a more evaluative frame, and ask, “Hey, is he the right guy for me? What has he done for me lately? Was he any good in the sack anyway?”
Which brings us to…
3) Figure out what really constitutes your fulfillment. You have no idea if this guy would make a good boyfriend or husband. You don’t even know if marriage will necessarily bring you fulfillment (half the people who get married end up getting divorced). So why hope for that outcome? You’ve only seen him twice! Don’t squeeze the lemon too hard and don’t lean out into the future. Take it a day at a time, be fully present, and enjoy what’s happening. Seek a fun relationship; there’s plenty of seriousness in the world already. And by fun I don’t mean frivolous. I mean enjoyable. Why do it otherwise? Now is a good time to stop overthinking all this. As the Tao Te Ching said, “Stop thinking, and solve all your problems.”
That said, the whole idea of “masculating your man” and giving him your praise, your grace and your trust is something that’s great to do all the time. The idea is that if you make that your daily practice, not only does it bring more quality men into your life, but it makes you feel great, too. Think of it like training your body to be fit. You can’t cram for a marathon, and you can’t suddenly become the most gracious, devoted version of yourself if that’s not what you’ve been doing all along. But if you make fitness a habit, a marathon can come any time, and you will be ready. Likewise, if making men (and people in general) feel great around you is your everyday practice, then when Mr Wonderful comes along, you will be ready.
Hope that’s helpful!