Dr. Ali "Victor" Binazir, Happiness Engineer

Should you date outside your tribe?

Here’s an interesting letter I got yesterday which applies to both men and women:

Hi Dr. Ali,

I just bought and read your book on my kindle this weekend and as a Persian girl, born in America, was wondering how you think your principles would work with Persian men?  I am at a point where I am ready to settle down and it seems like all the Persian men just want to play around. I’m 28 and I see a lot of pretty, educated and single Persian girls over the age of 32.  I sit and wonder what they are doing wrong (how are they still single?) and then stress out that I will end up like them.

The principles in your book make so much sense but it just seems like the Persian community has its own dating rules…what’s your take?  Forget the Persian men who play around and start dating guys from all backgrounds?  Thank you for your book, I look forward to implementing your advice. Looking forward to hearing from you — Mary M.

Well well well. I really hope some of you are out fishing right now, because we’re about to open up a big can of worms here.  Let’s talk about dating within your tribe, and whether it’s a good idea or not.

First, let’s think about where these tribes come from.  Until the 20th century, most people lived their entire (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 1 February 2012

“Should I move in with him?”

Here’s a recent letter from a reader:

Hi Dr. Ali,
I enjoy every article you wrote and read them all. Most of all I read your wonderful book, The Tao of Dating. I wanted to ask for your opinion on my current situation. I am currently dating a man (has 3 kids by same woman who he was not married to and long distance, I know how you feel about long distance.)

He treats me like a queen, he is smart, educated and charming. But the man has emotional baggage! He has been hurt in the past and is afraid to love! Multiple times he had asked me to move in and I am considering it.  My question to you is: Is there anything I can do or be that will help him learn to love again?  I look forward to your response! Tara

Tara —
Thanks for the kind words and the letter!
Wow.  Sounds like a lot of things happening concurrently here.  Long distance, 3 kids, emotional baggage.  Well, let me ask you this, Tara: (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 16 January 2012

“How can I make this work?”: Forcing vs allowing

Hi Dr. Ali,

Thank you for the wisdom you share – beyond giving me insights into relationships, you’ve helped me to be more satisfied with where I am.  Now, I’d love to get your advice about a specific situation.

I met a man in college a few years ago. We dated for a summer, but I got the impression (which I’ve since realized was wrong) that he wasn’t interested in a relationship, so I suggested that we just be friends. We did become friends, but we also ended up (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 7 December 2011

What does it mean to be vulnerable?

Well, apparently the ‘Are men intimidated by you?’ article hit a nerve.

What are some examples of being vulnerable? Thanks Dr Ali! – Kelly

And this one:

This is one of the best blog posts! Great insights & advice!! A follow up question- what does vulnerability look like to a man? Especially if women are working so hard to not appear too needy, emotionally available & scare the guy off from the other end of the spectrum? Thx, HK

And yet another one:

Hi Dr Ali,
Another great article… so wise you are… and witty as usual!  I have a question: When you refer to a women being vulnerable, and a man being attractive to that quality best of all, are you referring to a woman, ‘leading with love’ as you stated?  In other words, what vulnerable qualities are you talking about that men most like? Just wondering.  Thanks – Betty K.

So. What does it mean to be vulnerable? (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 21 November 2011

Tip #18 of 20: The best way to look good is to FEEL good

Ladies — allow me to let you in on a huge secret that will save you oodles of time, money, energy and grief.  Men are definitely visual creatures, so you have to be a man’s type in order for him to feel attracted to you.  However, if you’re not his type, there’s almost no beauty trick you can do – heels, lipstick, eyeliner, plastic surgery, Spanx – that will make him hot for you.  And if you are his type, you could be wearing a (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 6 December 2011

Are men intimidated by you?

Letter from a reader, on how to find Victor:

Most recently I dated a man who I was apathetic about meeting because he didn’t meet my list.  We clicked instantly and had dates that were a “blast” and as soon as I was ready to fall, he ran.  A scared Lance afraid of who he could have been with me.  He was no doubt intimidated by me, so I’m still learning how to make a man feel good about who he is and all that he has accomplished.  As you know, for successful, intelligent women, this is no easy deal.  How do you balance making a man (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 20 February 2012

Tip #11 of 20: Let acquired taste be your greatest ally

Do you like wine?  How about sushi?  It’s the rare woman who doesn’t like one or the other.  And it’s an ever rarer woman who liked either wine or sushi at age 5.  Raw fish and bitter drinks?  Ewwww.

And yet, something happened between age 5 and now.  Maybe after that inauspicious first encounter, you thought, “Well, lots of people seem to like it, so maybe there’s something to it.”  So, cautiously, you gave Chardonnay or salmon roll another try.  After a while, you found it tolerable.  And one day, it became your favorite thing in the whole world.  Crazy, huh.

Of the married women I’ve spoken to, the following describes the most common course of their premarital romance: “Oh, I really didn’t (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 6 December 2011

Tip #13 of 20: Go for Victor, not Lance or Biff

There are two main characteristics you’re looking for in a guy.  One is spine – his strength, decisiveness, masculine essence.  The other is heart – his compassion, consideration and caring.

A guy with a lot of spine and no heart is a macho brute – Biff, as I like to call him.  Most bad boys fall in this category, and although they may be a fun ride to start, they will cause you unlimited grief.  A guy with a lot of heart but no spine is a sensitive new-age guy, or Lance.  Most yuppie guys are Lances, stuck somewhere between trying to be chivalrous and acting tough.  They will annoy you in the long run.  And the guy who has both spine and heart is Victor.  He is strong.  He is compassionate.  He’s a stud.

The Victor is rare, but he’s out there.  Now that you know he exists, you know what to look for.  He’s in control without being controlling, dominant without being domineering, sweet without being a pushover.  He’s got direction and he’s got balance.  And he knows how to take care of business, of himself, and of you.  Settle for nothing less.

Comments?  Thoughts?  Sound off below — would love to hear from you!

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 6 December 2011

How to communicate to get what you want and need: guest article by Marni Battista

Ladies —

I’ll be doing a teleclass with my friend and colleague Marni Battista on Mon 7 Nov 2011 at 5pm Pacific time, and I thought I’d introduce you to her via this article of hers.  As a coach who has helped hundreds of clients, she brings a lot of practical know-how about empowering yourself to find fulfillment.  And as someone who was married for 17 years, she brings a lot of personal experience to bear as well.

I particularly like her message about self-care and clear communication.  Here’s the article, and I hope you can join us on Monday (and if you can’t be there for the live call, sign up to get the recording afterwards). — Dr Ali B

How to Communicate to Get What You Want and Need by Marni Battista, DatingWithDignity.com (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 5 November 2011

The dirty secret of goddesses

When I first wrote The Tao of Dating for Women, its subtitle was How to Embrace Your Inner Goddess and Find the Fulfillment You Deserve.  Aside from not rolling trippingly off the tongue, I found that many women took issue with the word goddess.  Whether it set an impossible standard of perfection or sounded too woo-woo, it just bugged them.

Well, today I had a little epiphany as I was thinking about some good ol’ Greek and Roman mythology.  If you’ve read any of that stuff, you’ll know that, far from being perfect, them gods out-imperfected humans only like a deity can.  They were petty, outta-control horny, vindictive, greedy, deceptive, cruel and just plain damaged folks.  Think Zeus, Aphrodite, Neptune — any of them really — and all the havoc they wrought.

What made them gods and goddesses was (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 11 November 2011

The problem with Disney romance

Sometimes I wonder whether the challenges my female friends and readers experience in love doesn’t stem from the Western narrative of romance: find some prince, fall in love and get married happily ever after.  Well, Disney certainly doesn’t help.  This here picture just about sums it up:

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 27 October 2011

Tip #4 of 20: Always leave him wanting more

Dating is like a story.  It has a beginning, middle and end.  It’s got characters, cliffhangers and climaxes (if you’re lucky).  So, like Sheherezade in the legend of 1001 Arabian Nights, you want to stop the story at a point that the King wants to know what happens next so badly that he comes back for more the next day.

This is called the art of (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 6 December 2011