Today I want to talk about how being discriminating in dating can make you more successful in dating.
Before I start, I want to follow up on the story from the last article about my friend Aaron.
Remember how when he asked out this really attractive young woman, she immediately reeled off the names of the 4 most expensive restaurants in town?
Remember how I told you that it was a sign of trouble?
Well, let me tell you what happened on that date.
Contrary to my advice, my friend Aaron agreed to go on the date. And also agreed to go to one of the restaurants she named.
He also did not use my little formula for turning around the expensive taste of the young lady on herself by saying something like this:
“Wow, that sounds great. Now, I know I’m totally worth it, but you really don’t have to spend all that money on me on a first date. You can always just take me somewhere reasonably priced; I don’t mind at all.”
See how that works? It brings out in the open that the place is totally not cheap, calls her on her choice, and relieves you of the onus of putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation.
So they get to the restaurant. And she starts ordering everything on the menu. And then, they bring her the dishes — and she sends them back. Not once. Not twice. Not three times, but FIVE times.
The entire staff of the restaurant was fed up with her, as was Aaron. He had never seen anything like it before.
As soon as the meal was over, Aaron made an excuse, paid for the bill and got out of the restaurant as quickly as possible, never to see Ms HWET (hottie with expensive taste) again. He was down a couple of hundred bucks and two hours of his life, but at least the damage was limited to that.
Many other guys get caught in the web of attraction, intrigue and unpredictability of pretty young women and sustain a lot more damage than that. Sometimes the financial and psychological damage lasts for a long time.
This article is about how to spot a woman who is good for you. That way, you minimize the chances of wasting even one evening on someone who’s not good for you.
See, the problem is this: evolutionarily, men are designed to say ‘yes’ to a woman who presents an opportunity for sexual interaction.
There’s that famous study about an attractive woman propositioning men on a college campus, and 70% of the men saying yes (and 25% apologizing profusely for having a prior commitment).
The reverse scenario, with an attractive man propositioning the women, yielded 0% affirmative responses. Zero, zip, zilch. Not even one.
And although studies have shown that men and women both have higher standards when it comes to choosing a long-term mate, they also show that men’s standards are significantly lower for a short-term interaction.
There’s another study done by psychologists showing how being picky increases your dating success.
The study showed that when a guy went around and was super-nice and attentive to several women, he got a lot less follow-up from those women.
Whereas when he focused his attention on ONE woman, she ended up being much more responsive to him.
So a woman likes it when she sees you’re picky — and that she’s the one you’ve picked.
What I’m proposing here is that you, a man amongst men, will have greater dating success when you always maintain high standards.
This is a re-casting of the principle of Enligthened Self-Interest from The Tao of Dating:
Always act according to what’s best for you in the long term — with emphasis on ‘you’ and ‘long term.’
Because overall dating success is not just about maximizing the good ones but also minimizing the duds. Every minute you spend with a woman who subtracts from your life is a minute you could have spent with one who adds to your life. Or spending that minute alone.
I’m not saying that you should have such stringent standards that no one gets through. That’s a denial of the principle of abundance. The middle path of the Tao is all about the balancing act — being selective without being overly selective.
I call it the principle of inclusive selectivity.
That way, when you make a mental image of what you want, you’re giving the universe an address: “Aha, so THAT’S what he really wants.” Too much choice tends to be disempowering. Narrow it down, and you just might end up with something good.
What I am saying is that you should be very clear on what you want and have a sense of the things that you need to have in a companion and those that are nice to have.
Do you know what your dealbreakers are? Well, you should. For example, my friend Ben will absolutely not date a woman who smokes, even recreationally.
Aaron will not date a woman who does drugs or drinks heavily. Jeff will only date women who are interested in having kids, because he wants to have a family.
So, what are your dealbreakers? Where do you draw your line in the sand?
Once you have your ‘need to have’ list, then you can work on your ‘nice to have’ list.
Then make sure you work those items in your very first interactions with the women you’re interested in, and reall find out if they’re present in her.
It really helps to write these criteria down, because that way you remember them better. In fact, I’d keep them in your wallet.
Having this list empowers you in several ways. First off, it naturally puts you in the ‘picky buyer stance’ that I talk about in The Tao of Dating.
When you’re busy qualifying her, it’s much harder for you to get flustered about what she thinks about you. You’re turning the tables on her, which is a good thing. You’re in charge. You’re leading.
Second, it gives you backbone. You’re not some desperate dude running around going for anything you can get — you’ve got standards, dammit! And being just a little bit aloof makes you that much more attractive
Another fun way and effective way to do this online is with a questionnaire. I recommend 10-15 items max, with multiple choice answers.
I’d start with a paragraph describing the basics of what you’re looking for — eg age range, looks, location — and giving the basics about myself (age, height, weight, etc).
In the body of the questionnaire, I’d then design questions about the things that were important to me.
The questionnaire format is very effective because it automatically sets you up as a challenge, which draws people in. For some strange reason, people also seem to like to fill out questionnaires.
The questions and mulitple-choice answers are also a great opportunity for you to display your wit and set yourself apart from the boring masses who just give standard answers to standard questions that no one is interested in.
If you want to get a little mystical about it, there is a spiritual principle at work here as well. In life, you tend to get more of what you focus on. And the more specific the picture is in your head of what you want, the more likely it is for that thing to pop up in your life.
Here are some areas that you may want to include in your compatibility assessment. When writing down your criteria, make sure you phrase them positively, i.e. “I want someone who drinks very little” vs. “I don’t want any heavy drinkers.”
— Career: Is she gainfully employed? If so, does she have time for a relationship? If not, how does she support herself?
— Education: How far did she get? Was her schooling a joy or a chore?
— Attitudes toward food, sexuality, pleasure and recreation.
— Religious and spiritual tendencies.
There are many other topics you could include — I’m just putting some big ones up to get you started.
Now that you’ve got the idea, go out there and implement it! Practice being inclusively selective, and notice how the quality of your dates improves.
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
PS: Can you think of two friends who would also find this article useful? Then feel free to forward the article to them using the easy sharing tools below. I’m always stoked when a friend sends me an interesting article, so they’ll thank you for it!
PPS: I’m interested in your questions and comments regarding dating, persuasion and
networking, so please do send them to me. I can be reached at dralex(at)thetaoofdating.com