Good evening, Dr. Ali – I’m Tabitha. Nearly 40, 4 kids, divorced twice, great career, living in the Midwest. I like to say I have an AMAZING dating resume (some sarcasm, but NO APOLOGIES)! Best of all, I fully believe myself to be a modern goddess (who happens to adore orchid ice cream!) I’ve been seeing a gentleman my age for a little while, he has warrior potential. We’ve enjoyed 4 very long dates…and they are long because of how much we’ve enjoyed them! The last two dates have included intimacy, with the hope for some of that ice cream. Unfortunately, while fulfilling many of my needs, this gentleman appears to have erectile dysfunction. Having an active sex life is important to me, I believe it is important to him, and based on some recent advertising, I’m pretty sure it’s still a possibility! I’m also pretty sure it’s not very goddess-like to suggest a visit to the doctor (and SURELY he’s noticed)…but what exactly does a modern goddess do in this situation?
Thanks for the note, Tabitha!
A modern goddess is also a grownup, we hope. Which means — you can talk about it! The same way you would say ‘wow, your shoelaces are untied’, you bring up the topic. Ask with curiosity and empathy, but in a straightforward way. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, tell him. If it’s not, tell him. Do NOT try to solve his problem for him; that’s his job. Any time you tell a guy what to do, the goddess risks tumbling down from Mt Olympus.
But you can share how you feel and what you want. It’s only a big deal if you make it a big deal — no need to get all tongue-tied and embarrassed about the whole thing. ED is not a character flaw just like a twisted ankle isn’t a character flaw. Just tell him you want to get something straight between the two of you (ha), and get the dialog started. The more comfortable you are discussing it, the more comfortable he’ll be.