Ladies. Let’s play a game, shall we?
I invite you to imagine a special kind of ice cream. It’s orchid-flavored. It tastes exquisitely good. Moreover, the deeper you dig into a scoop, the better it tastes. So much so that the last spoonful is almost orgasmic.
Not only does orchid ice cream taste good, it also seems to be good for you. It keeps the body healthy and balanced, and has particularly salubrious effects on the mind. After a scoop of orchid, you feel refreshed, relaxed and energized at the same time. And whatever was weighing on your mind before the scoop seems to magically evaporate afterwards. It’s almost as if you’ve exercised or something. Oh, and people who regularly eat orchid ice cream sleep better and rarely get depressed.
There is a catch: you can only order orchid ice cream if you intend to share it. Luckily, it tastes even better when it’s shared. Moreover, you forge a lasting bond with the person you share it with. Some people report having lifetime friendships even from just one scoop! And the more scoops you share, the stronger the bond.
Now you may be worried that orchid ice cream is fattening. But here’s the crazy thing: it’s not! It even helps people stay trim, if you can believe that. Because it’s not fattening, there are women who’ve had seven or more scoops in one sitting.
To recap: It tastes great. Tastes better the more you eat and the more you share. It’s good for your mind and your body. It’s good for making and maintaining lasting bonds with people. It doesn’t make you fat.
Oh, and one more thing: it’s free.
Imagine this: you start your day with a scoop of orchid and feel energized. There’s a bounce in your step and a lift in your spirit. You seem to get your way at work with minimal effort, and the little things just don’t bug you. There’s a tingle in your body and a grin on your face all day, and you feel sexy in a way that is both empowering and exhilarating.
So, my questions to you: If you had access to orchid ice cream, how often would you eat it? How willing would you be to share your scoop? And how would you feel about someone who hoarded her portion?
Would you have some once a week? Maybe twice a month? Ten times a year? If you’re sane, I’m guessing you’d have as much orchid ice cream as possible. You’d want to share it as often as possible, and consider the hoarder some combination of stingy and irrational. Not really selfish even, since she’s depriving herself.
Does orchid ice cream exist? I’m delighted to report that it does.
It’s called sex.
As a woman, you can have it any day of the week, pretty much anywhere in the world. It feels amazing, and it’s good for your mind and body in ways that science is only beginning to understand. It bonds you to your partner, sometimes for a liftetime. And it’s totally free.
And yet, in North America and most of the Western world, women are having sex 1-2 times a week if they’re in a relationship, once a month or less if they’re not in one.
Am I the only person to whom all this does not make sense?
There’s a story about Tiresias, the mythical blind prophet, who spent time both as a woman and a man. When asked by the goddess Hera whether men or women enjoy sex more, he said that women enjoy it nine times more than men.
A quote attributed to the Prophet Mohammad says, “Of pleasure, Allah made ten parts, and gave one to Man and nine to Woman.”
And here’s a great quote by Mark Twain that I found:
“Now there you have a sample of man’s “reasoning powers”, as he calls them. He observes certain facts. For instance, that in all his life, he never sees the day that he can satisfy one woman; also that no woman ever sees the day that she can’t overwork, and defeat, and put out of commission any ten masculine plants that can be put to bed to her. He puts those strikingly suggestive and luminous facts together, and from them draws this astonishing conclusion: The Creator intended the woman to be restricted to one man.”— Letters from the Earth
Anecdotally, I can report that women enjoy sex more than guys. Guys talk about having an orgasm. Women talk about having whole battalions of orgasms.
I can also report that women make more noise than guys during sex. It’s such a well-known phenomenon that researchers have a name for it: female copulatory vocalizations (or FCVs). You may have even had the experience of hearing your neighbor’s ecstatic peals through solid apartment walls. And it’s usually not the guy neighbor.
As far as anyone can tell, the purpose of FCVs is to turn men on. Not just the one she’s with, but all men within earshot. Because back on the savanna, there were no walls. Basically, it’s a woman’s built-in advertising mechanism for more partners, courtesy of evolution.
So now, I will re-iterate the question from earlier in the article: if you had no fear of reprisal, no fear of tarnishing your reputation, no fear of endangering your health or getting pregnant, how often would you have your orchid ice cream?
Would you share it more frequently, with different partners, just to see what it’s like?
Because us humans are suckers for variety, you know. Forever curious. You are, too. You’re gonna tell me you’ve never thought, “Hmm, wonder what that guy’s like in bed?”
Would you use it as a way to make new friends? To relieve stress? To have some pleasant companionship? To pleasantly fill a sunny Sunday afternoon?
Because, let’s face it – most of it comes down to the fear of being called a slut. And as a result, you’re treating an unlimited resource – your vagina – as if you might run out of it.
Pussy is like information and love. You can give it away, and still have it in the morning. It’s magical like that.
Many women who reached escape velocity and took residence beyond the gravitational pull of judgment consumed their orchid ice cream quite liberally. Think Brigitte Bardot and Elizabeth Taylor of the legendary sexual appetites. It’s just quaint and silly to call them sluts. Or Pamela Harriman. Or all those Playboy models who married rich and are doing just fine, thank you.
And over the course of history, according to Chris Ryan and Cacilda Jetha in Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality, “societies in which women have lots of autonomy and authority tend to be decidedly male-friendly, relaxed, tolerant, and plenty sexy.” Anywhere women have equal access to power, wealth and status and aren’t judged, they eat their orchid ice cream at will. Think Scandinavian countries, the Netherlands, and the matriarchal Mosuo of China.
Mosuo women’s rooms have two doors: one that opens to the inner, family courtyard, and another that opens to the outside world. A Mosuo woman may let any man in through the outer door. The only rule is that he must be gone by dawn.
‘Gone by dawn’ has a nice ring to it.
You may also not be aware of what you’re depriving men of. Every time you have sex with a guy, it’s like you’re giving him the whole universe. I kid thee not. We’re just dumbfounded, thinking, “Why would this outrageously beautiful creature want to sleep with me? This makes no sense – and I love it!”
Also, sex seems to have a dampening effect on the more destructive aspects of masculine energy. If guys were getting laid constantly, they’d probably be too happy (and exhausted) to wage war or take up a hobby like suicide bombing. It works for bonobos (with whom we share 98.4% of our genes) who have no war and use frequent sex as a peacemaking tactic.
Facetiousness aside, the 14th Dalai Lama did say recently that the world will be saved by the Western woman. I don’t believe the world needs saving, but our boy #14 does have a point.
You, Western woman, have access to a crazy amount of power right now. Not just mastery of the masculine aspects – wealth, status and authority – but the feminine aspects, too, which men are terrible at.
The first step in accessing that power is to liberate yourself from your own judgment. Because we feel judged only to the extent that we judge ourselves. So refuse to put down any other woman for any reason. Expunge words like slut, bitch and whore from your vocabulary. Never demonize sexual energy, but instead be curious about it, welcome it, explore it.
Oh, and have you tried orchid ice cream recently? I’ve heard it’s delicious.
I have kept sex out my life for so long after a traumatising break up. I just did not want to accept a new partner in my life until I learn to work on my feelings and be ready for a romantic relationship. Eventually, I had one of the most amazing encounters with a wonderful man. We had one of the most satisfactory love making experience last weekend when I visited him at his hometown. It was so wonderful that we did not count the numbers. I totally agree with you. Making love can be the best cure for all the negativity in our lives. My man loves it and I love it, too. So why do we need to do it only once or twice a week? Now, we are in different cities and we are finding different creative solutions for our appetide. Everytime, we become more hungry for each other and I cannot wait to see him next week. I will share my orchid icecream with him, I do not know how many times. :)
“So now, I will re-iterate the question from earlier in the article: if you had no fear of reprisal, no fear of tarnishing your reputation, no fear of endangering your health or getting pregnant, how often would you have your orchid ice cream?
Would you share it more frequently, with different partners, just to see what it’s like?”
(It’s completely pointless to answer this question because it is HYPOTHETICAL! But I will anyway, just for the sake of argument)
NO!! Why not you ask?! Becasue I’m A WOMAN! As a WOMAN I’m genetically wired to find a stable partner for a relationship, security and family. I DON’T CARE about numbers like men. That’s why I’m called a WOMAN not a man. What you’re suggesting is a bit contradictory to the yin-yang stuff you like so much, don’t you think. What about the oxytocin you talk about in your book? That pettey much gets in the way or “diversifying”, I would say. Women velue sex differently than men. Period. Get this into your male head already!! Also, people (women included) have different appetites, tastes, needs. Stop shoving sex down people’s throats! Anyone should have sex a much or a little as they feel like! And the stupid ice cream analogy! (eyes rolling)
“Also, men who aren’t getting play tend to find more destructive ways of channeling their masculine energy. If guys were getting laid all the time, they’d be too happy (and exhausted) to wage war or take up a hobby like suicide bombing.”
WOW! So now you’re blaming MALE agression on WOMEN not putting out? Are you out of your f****** mind?? So if I don’t have sex with a Muslim extrimist, it’s my fault he blows up a metro station? You’re not suggesting that, are you? This is not only contraversial suggestion but it’s down right offensive! Men wage wars because they want “wealth, status and authority” not because they don’t get laid. I mean, when was the last time you blew up a metro station??
Christ! There are so many things wrong with this article! And you spent a good month writing it? What a waste of time.
Somebody sounds like they need to get laid. LOL
Not sure about this Dr A. I think you posted it to stir things up a bit!
Not all western women have crazy amounts of wealth, power, status or authority – hardly any have all four, a very few might have one, most don’t have much of any of those things. It’s one of the things I find most annoying is that the writing is is for ‘smart, successful, beautiful women, just like you’ heck what about us ordinary ones – I find it rather patronising.
Ruth! Thanks for the note. Love the fact that you’re perceptive enough to see what I’m up to. Seems to have worked :)
My job is to remind you that you are every bit as wealthy, powerful and beautiful as I believe you are. As a Western woman with a roof over your head, internet access, voting rights, spending money and leisure time to read my ramblings, you are better off than 90% of the world’s population, and 99.99% of the women who have ever lived on this planet. And you are beautiful by definition, the very moment you choose to acknowledge your own beauty. If being called patronising is the price of awakening you to your own power, I can totally live with that :)
While I like the concept, this definitely comes across to me as a man trying to get men more action. It doesn’t come off here are two things to note: humans brains do not all work in the same way. Just because one woman is having ‘battalions’ of orgasms, does not mean the next woman is. Maybe she’s having one orgasm (or none) and maybe she’s just not feeling sexy or turned on in that moment. Women’s hormones fluctuate wildly throughout the month. Sometimes throughout a day. For many if not most women, they simply aren’t always thinking about sex the way men seem to. This is where the second comment comes in which is that not all woman can just go out and find someone to sleep with. Well, not someone they’re attracted to, who will be safe, and where it isn’t going to create some sort of drama (being in the same social circle, for example). Going out to a bar and picking up a guy in the name of orchid ice cream is bringing something which is not as simple as you’re making it out to be, something we should just do and be happy we can do. You said yourself it brings you closer to the person you’re doing it with. Well that’s not always healthy for people and my guess is, most women who don’t go out and frolic with random men choose it not because they think they’ll be sluts, but because they’re trying to focus on what they really want – a relationship. Going out and sleeping with random men to some extent puts your energy in a different basket. Sure, you could say that it’s driving up your sexual energy which is in turn more attractive to men. After sleeping with a number of men it starts to seem less enticing to just find one to have an orgasm with when you can have one yourself and not distract yourself from what it is you genuinely want. Sex is fun, but it’s way more fun when you’re with someone you really care about. I don’t think women who sleep with a number of men are sluts, but I will tell you most of them are pretty ambivalent about the experience.
Actually, the express goal of the article is to get women more action. It’s rather revealing that even women as smart and eloquent as yourself have bought into the cultural construct that sex is something that women bestow upon men — as in the term ‘giving it up’ — and men are the sole beneficiaries. Pretty sure two people are involved in this transaction. It’s wise to be picky about the restaurants you eat at, but starving yourself out of principle when there are thousands of decent (albeit not absolutely perfect) options seems a bit overzealous.
Here are my thoughts:
I prefer quality to quantity. For most women, the best sex happens only with a partner with whom one has a deep spiritual connection (a soulmate).
If you have that kind of partner, then the more sex, the better. If you don’t, then sharing your orchid icecream with every Tom, Dick, and Harry that
comes along is unfulfilling and degrading. So no, I don’t want to share my orchid icecream with as many men as possible, only with The One.
Thx Dr Ali,
Hey, I’d love to know what book it was that turned your world topsy-turvy.
The article was enjoyable and thought-provoking. I actually left a 14 year marriage because it was sexless for years (his choice.). I’m not quite to the place of being ok with casual sex, even though I’ve been single for 1.5 years now. I really miss sex, and would love to engage in it MOST regularly, but… I want to be in some kind of relationship with that person. That’s the rub. Women bond through sex and that makes (me, anyway) want to be careful. I don’t want any emotional turmoil. I don’t know if there is a way around that.
I sent the article on to my awesome group of women friends. Should ignite some interesting conversation.
Big fan of the Orchid article. I stopped believing in monogamy long ago (reasons are long and I won’t go into) and I can personally attest that my sex drive seems to eclipse any lover I’ve been with. The sad thing is that outside my lovers there are very few people whom I feel safe enough to be open about my poly lifestyle, so the work you’re doing is vital. I feel as much in the closet as a gay person. Hopefully what you’re doing can help change that.
It’s also called chocolate!
“The first step in accessing that power is to liberate yourself from your own judgment. Because we feel judged only to the extent that we judge ourselves. So refuse to put down any other woman for any reason. Expunge words like slut, bitch and whore from your vocabulary. Never demonize sexual energy, but instead be curious about it, welcome it, explore it.”
You are so talking from a male perspective. I am all for women doing what they please with their sexuality and their bodies ONLY if it empowers them and makes them feel good about themselves and creates well being and happiness. Unfortunately, that is a bunch of hooey and it won’t happen. Women cannot handle the casual sex (even if they won’t admit it). We want to bond, form relationships, be intimate. There are times I would love to try all kinds of orchid ice cream, but I know that I’ll feel like SHIT afterwards and it has nothing to do with judging myself. I call men who sleep around those same names!!
As a woman, I find it incredibly important that we learn to feel good about ourselves and our sex. And by that I mean any kind of sex we want. I am confused by the women who have commented here claiming to espouse female empowerment while simultaneously denying that having the sex you want (casual or otherwise) is not in your best interest. Personally, I have found an easy solution to avoiding potential regrets- I only have sex with people I like and want to do that with- Just like I wouldn’t have coffee with someone I didn’t like. By following this simple rule I have never felt bad about anyone I’ve slept with. And I do feel a bond with them. I feel connected. That connection feels great. I enjoy experiencing these emotional and physical connections frequently. And I’ve yet to feel that means I need to bring them home and keep them just because of that. I know its unusual- but I am here to attest that it is indeed possible for a normal woman to feel this way. I did have to get over some fears about what it would mean for me to be a woman who lived that way. I don’t like being called names or judged any more than you do… and once I got through my head that it was ok to receive pleasure and that i could trust my own judgment, it all worked out just fine.
Yes, this is exactly the change of mind I have been having since reading this article.
“And I’ve yet to feel that means I need to bring them home and keep them just because of that.”
After reading this article a couple of months ago, I have been able to let go of my judgement of myself, and also to let go of my need to “keep” the guy, as you say. We only have moments. We can never “keep” anyone anyway. I no longer feel the need to be “loved back” in the same way. It is enough now for me to love them and enjoy the moments I have with them, giving away my orchid ice cream – and next morning, I still have just as much of it to give away all over again.
I like Gotye’s lyric from “learnalilgivinandlovin”: “Give away love, give it for free. No strings attached, just don’t ask for it back.”
I see what you’re up to and it’s worked, I’m furious! And I’m gonna give you honest feedback. Yes, sex is great and it has lots of scientific evidence to back up how awesome it is, which your other thinking lady readers and I can accept. However, your concepts of promiscuity (using the term without it’s negative connotations) just don’t hold up.
You have often said pain is wishing the world to be different than it is. “if you had no fear of reprisal, no fear of tarnishing your reputation, no fear of endangering your health or getting pregnant…” None of these things are going away. There will always be consequences of lots of sex partners, from women thinking you’ll steal their boyfriend, men expecting you to have sex with them, catching herpes to getting knocked up.
The real problem I have with your article is you’re confusing sex with sexual liberation. One is a physical act, the other a conscious and unconscious acceptance. The two are interlinked but not the same. What makes women like Brigitte Bardot and Elizabeth Taylor strong, inspirational people, is not that they had sex a lot, but rather that they were accepting of themselves and thus their sexuality. The only part of your article that might help any woman is “liberate yourself from your own judgment”. What I liked about your book was the emphasis on being happy, being sensual and embracing the goddess. By developing these we can liberate our sexuality. It comes from within, not by putting a certain part of someone else in.
I do believe women can change the world, but not through sex, rather through caring and before women can care for the world we must learn to care for ourselves.
[Also your justifications are awful. You are writing for Western women, we have very different ways of thinking to other societies and can’t be compared. I’m just going to assume you’ve never been to Scandinavia or the Netherlands, where I have worked/lived. You just can’t compare humans to bonobos. Yes, we share 98% of our genes with them, but we also share 85% with mice and 60% with bananas. Those few percentages are the difference between photosynthesis and eating food. The classic bonobo argument does not work because we humans have very different reproductive strategies.]
I say have bowl after bowl of that orchid ice cream all by yourself. When someone shows up with his own flavor, take a bite. See if it is as good as yours….. Did everything just get better? If so, dig in.
In response to the majority of commenters here that are rather insistent that most women cannot handle or do not truly enjoy casual sex, please stop speaking for everyone! let’s please stop with the myth that all men only want casual, NSA sex, and all women only want deep, soulful connections with just one man forever. i’ve known plenty of men who are really truly just looking for one woman to please, and i’ve known plenty of women (myself included) with strong sexual appetites who enjoy indulging as often (and safely) as they’d like. there are all types of people out in this fabulous world, and just because you may have only experienced or known people with your same mind-set/beliefs/values etc, trust me when i tell you that yes, some woman can handle and do in fact really enjoy fun flings. and we are not all just looking for a savior/sugar daddy/baby daddy/ father figure/what have you. just other ice cream lovers!
I think women are VERY sexual these days. Ask any attractive guy and he will tell you that sex is plentiful and easy to come by. I think the build up is the best part. Waiting for it gives you time to build a little bit of trust so that you can let go in bed.
Also, I think the “pussy” comment is a little shocking. You are not talking to a bunch of dudes.
I loved your piece on orchid ice cream. I love all of your articles.
In time, they will teach me to become the Goddess I am and be treated as such.
It’s true, without judgement, women can and should explore their sexual boundaries and seek fulfillment. There would be a lot more happy people in the world!
Rock on Dr. B! Loved the article. :)
But how many women have slept with a man and been treated very badly afterwards? The ones who seem like witty, charismatic, well-educated guys in for a good time, connecting with another person – even for a night – until you sleep with them and then they bolt five minutes after they finish, call you names, start talking to you like a receptacle for sperm, send you cruel and disgusting messages, and make it clear that hurting you may not even have been incidental, but that you may have consented to ugliness and cruelty. These men are not the majority, but most women I know who have spent much time single in their twenties and thirties have had experiences like this. Have enough of them and they make you hard, because they take this beautiful, shimmering thing only to defecate on it and stomp all over it and drag it through the mud. Such things have happened to me, and the only way for me to reclaim it was to save it for people I trusted and respected and who felt the same way about me, and never was I happier. It is the most beautiful and delicious thing out there. But mix it with poison and acid and hate and like anything else it rots and curdles.
This made my day, not that it was anything too new or revolutionary and not that I agree with it all but this and something about the way Tao of dating is written gets me out of my head. Maybe it’s that some of it is restating the obvious – that can be soo obvious it’s overlooked (the plant that in the corner I don’t miss until it’s moved). Maybe its the light fun conversational nature that reminds me of my self talk when I’m in a good mood. Not sure what…and again I don’t agree with everything but I definitely appreciate it all…What I know is it makes me laugh, get out of my head, relax, let go, enjoy… and good things happen. I’ve shared with some women in my life and they’ve laughed and enjoyed too. Thanks!
I enjoyed the article, and I’m just not sure what all the fuss is about. While I do take exception to the implication that men would be less warring if women would just put out more (yes, I’m paraphrasing)..sorry, but no. That aggression and twisted sense of masculinity needs to be dealt with by men themselves, to figure out how to heal both themselves and each other (Dr. B, I’m hoping that’s something you can help them with;if so, you have your work cut out for you). I’m just not willing to own that one.
The way I see it, my sex life is nobody’s business but my own. In fact, as a mature woman in her 50s, I’ve declared myself Slut-proof. Who I have sex with, how often, and who I choose to share that information with is up to me. Like my career, my bills, and my health, my sexual well-being is my responsibility. That said, I would never advise anyone, male OR female, to seek-out random, unsafe, indiscriminate sex with whatever warm body is available, but I don’t think that’s what the message is here. BUT I DO TIRE of the insistence by many that a woman’s hormones & wiring is so tricky, fragile, and nurturing that we require the Love Element in order to enjoy sex. Bullox! In many ways women are their own worst enemies, because we do judge each other, and at least part of that is because we believe there’s not enough to go around, that one woman’s good fortune is another one’s loss. But also, we live in a culture that says: always, ALWAYS make your goal to be sexy and alluring, but don’t be easy. That’s kinda crazy-making if you ask me.
If I’m attracted to a man, and it’s mutual, and we’re consequently sexual, and then I never hear from him again…isn’t that just his loss? He’s taken nothing from me, hasn’t sullied my reputation. I might be disappointed, but I haven’t been used. I’ll live.
In my opinion, the thing that’s missing from this article is the assertion that in order to be sexual, we need to have partners. For various reasons, many of us are simply not in the position to go out there & stir it up on any kind of regular basis. Maybe we’re tired because we work alot, or we’re still raising or supporting kids, or we’ve got health problems, or maybe, MAYBE (just sayin’) there’s not a teeming stable of men in our area who are both attractive and available, just waiting to jump our bones. Or hell, maybe we’re just broke. (Dating & the stuff that goes along with it, is not “free,” even if the sex is.) But WHY leave out the wonderful rewards of masturbation, self-pleasuring? Who knows your body better than yourself? It’s cheap, proactive, always available, and riddled with self-love. I know it’s not the same as enjoying the intimacy of another human, but truthfully — the best orgasms I’ve ever had have been by my own hand (or toy). I can live with that. And yes, I do feel relaxed, refreshed, invigorated, and sexy afterward. Works for me.
I can’t speak for men, but I do think a heck of a lot of women would be happier, healthier, and less depressed if they got over the idea that in order to be sexual & sexy, they must have a man. Or that masturbation is merely a default option for when there’s no man in the picture. There’s a reason we can reach those parts of our bodies with our own hands.
Oh, and just one more thing: I think removing the terms “soulmate” and “The One” from the relationship vocabulary would be a tremendous step in the right direction. I’m not crazy about “Goddess” either, but I realize I can’t have it all my way.
I like a lot what you are saying Zann.
“Controversial”? How about unhelpful and anthropologically incorrect?
Not that anyone advocates the wholesale withholding of sex, but your metaphor works better for the counter argument than it does for your position: Ice cream is fabulous. It may even confer some health benefits. However, eating ice cream indiscriminately is unhealthy. The element of your argument that specifically falls apart is that sex, per se, does *not* bond two people together. Its power to form emotional bonds is stronger for women than for men– hence many of the inter-gender disconnects and conflicts regarding relationships. Hence the temptation of desperate women to use sex to “lure” or “trap” men into a relationship. As we all know, that doesn’t work.
You also completely neglect some of the elements that make sex a beautiful and powerful experience for women: the ability (and necessity) to be vulnerable, to be receptive, and to be able to trust her partner. When these elements are strongest, sex is most exquisite. Yes, a quickie with some hot guy may be momentarily exciting and even perhaps satisfying– but it’s the sexual equivalent of snarfing a pint of random ice cream: The ice cream may taste good in the moment (or it may not), but how do you feel about yourself the next day? And the day after that? Chances are, indulging to that degree will just leave you feeling ugly, weak, and worthless.
Not everyone is entitled to share in our moments of exquisite vulnerability, joy, and ecstasy. Just as it is inappropriate to share the details of a promotion, raise, or award with EVERYONE YOU KNOW, it’s inappropriate to share your most intimate moments with a man who has not shown himself worthy. And let’s be honest: A man will cherish a woman who shows judgment and discrimination; harsh as it is, men don’t revere a woman who will lie down with just any man for sport. It is the way men and women are made, and part of what makes us powerful as a unit.
By all means, a rich and healthy sex life is a key component of a happy relationship. But my observation and experience is that outside the confines of a committed relationship, the ice cream metaphor… melts.
Just my 2 cents.
Well, Dr.Ali, teasing,right? Chapeau, you stirred some turmoil, according to all comments, furious and mellow. I am devoted aficionado of ice-cream, literally and in terms of euphemism you cunningly offered…but. Men libido is sporadic, they can want to inseminate any female with pulse, when women libido is very defined and oriented – we usually want and desire that one specific man, especially after some “earth moving” and “star seeing” experiences with him. And if he is the most kissable, touchable and lovable one in addition to provided “great O” – who needs to look for more? Most of great explorers we know are men. Woman’s home is where her heart belongs… yes, often it is far from her dream house but blame it on yin part ;-)
I’ll be 49 soon, but I know very few ladies who were looking for sex just for sake of it, or for health purposes, or for some sport, or…name it. Maybe for boosting somehow damaged self-esteem (oh, I am so wanted by so many)but these cases require digging in anamnesis and careful follow up. Yes, flirting is great, it is fun and pleasant and driving – but it doesn’t mean that I’ll let any stranger into my world. But this is all about personal choice and preference, and nor me neither anyone else is there to judge.
P.S. Another apology for imperfect English, that’s my third lingva :-)
My best and many thanks for all great work!
And yet again the timing of the Universe surprises me! I finally found the time and energy to read this article and last night I listened to your Audio with Joshua regarding Revolutionary Sex. Without saying a word to my man friend, but simply giving myself permission to stop thinking (that damn masculine energy) and just FEEL (learning to love, Love, LOVE finding the well hidden Goddess), tonight I had the single finest, most intensely incredible orgasmic sex of my life!!! For the first time EVER I FELT completely not in control and was able to let myself be totally devoured by the feelings and it left me breathless and in tears. I secretly wonder if HE has read Revolutionary Sex!!! Or was he just allowing himself to respond in a primal way to his own feelings of power and pride at his ability to please me in such an overwhelming way? We will talk about it at some point as we are slowly building a foundation of trust, honest communication, and thankfully he is not pressuring me to define what this is, but like me, is willing to be in the moment and enjoy what we have without any expectation of the long term outcome.
Now let me add that I am no stranger to orgasms. I was blessed to be raised in a liberal, loving, open, non judgmental home. My parents (my role models AND heroes for what a good relationship should be) are married 54 years and STILL have an active, wonderful sex life. They have never been with anyone but each other, and yet were modern and forward thinking enough to teach their children (5 of us – okay, maybe they should have gotten dressed a bit more often and read a little more about birth control!) that sex is a healthy, natural, wonderful thing!
I have had more then a few partners in my 49 years on this planet. Liked all of them, loved some of them, married two of them. I have always been celebratory in my belief that I am a sensual being. Have never felt guilty or ashamed or like a “slut” (horrible word!!) for allowing myself the beauty and yes, more often then not, just the pure physical gratification of sex. I have been blessed with a high sex drive, the ability to have multiple orgasms, and the freedom to allow myself to indulge without feeling like I had to be “in love” and as Kim says so wonderfully that I actually did laugh out loud, never felt so connected or bonded after a great night together to have to “bring them home”. More then a few have uttered the words “greatest sex they EVER had”. Why? Maybe because I never brought to the experience any expectation or ulterior motives. I never tried to change anyone and always was appreciative of the time we shared together. I never had sex with the hope that it would create a relationship through some magical bonding. I simple ADORE men. I am turned on by them, appreciate the differences between men and women, and never thought sharing the experience of sex with a man meant anything other then sharing the experience.
I have spent more of my adult years single then married (by choice) and just now (thanks to Dr. A) am finally figuring out how I could successfully be Superwoman in the Corporate world, raise two kids mostly on my own, and still be so inept at relationships that I avoided them like the plague! Of course now that I have read the Tao of Dating (on my 3rd read) I know exactly why I was so inept that I even avoided dating… I was always the masculine energy in a relationship and quickly ended up resenting all the feminine energy in my partner! Who Knew!!! All of the qualities that brought me success in every other area of my life was exactly what was wrong to bring to a relationship. I am grateful to be finally putting the pieces of the puzzle together and the Universe has blessed me with the friendship and caring of an incredible Alpha Male that “gets it”
Before tonight I would have said I had a great sex life… little did I know what was TRULY possible. There are no words to describe what I felt, and it has left me spinning with joy and gratitude. (but still NO desire to get married! LOL)
One thing I do find curious is the very strong disagreement to the article of the majority of the other females posting here. I would have thought that by the very nature of them being here (The Tao of Dating) they would have been a bit more open minded and accepting. Makes me wonder their ages… Are they so certain they are right because they are young? Only a few wise women made reference to their age and their opinions are far more accepting and tolerate. Do we soften as we age or is it because life has given us more then a few opportunities to be proven wrong and our brains (and hearts) are more willing to look at what we are doing wrong and how can we change it?
As is the case more and more these days … I have more questions then I have answers, and I actually am learning to enjoy that! Being Superwoman was actually quite draining… I am so happy I have finally taken off my cape! I never realized how heavy it was!!!
Dr. A … you are a genius!
“if you had no fear of reprisal, no fear of tarnishing your reputation, no fear of endangering your health or getting pregnant, how often would you have your orchid ice cream?”
I am not afraid of reprisal or tarnishing my reputation – I’m afraid of getting hurt. To forge an oxytocin bond with someone, and not continue the relationship, for whatever reason, can be so painful. So why take that risk, when getting to know someone beforehand can greatly reduce that risk?
I loved the book Sex at Dawn, and I do believe that our biology is more flexible than we give it credit for, but we do not live in the same environment that we evolved in. Promiscuous sex is much more appropriate if you are living in a small band of hunter-gatherers, all of whom you know intimately and will continue to know for as long as you both shall live. An adult in such a tribe had a strong and flexible support system. In the modern world, people come and go in the blink of an eye. We do not have a built in support system, but have to work to maintain relationships with friends and family who may live far away, and the vast majority of our support comes from a long term partner. If we are single, then each potential partner gives hope, sometimes false, of lasting love and support. Having so much at stake, and so little to comfort us if it doesn’t pan out, makes casual sex quite risky emotionally.
As someone who has herpes, this is pretty useless to me. The very last thing I need to do is have multiple partners.
Not for the reason you think – that I might infect them. Actually herpes is not life threatening. It’s more of an inconvenience. 1 in 4 people have it, and most don’t even know it because most std testing doesn’t include herpes.
Having herpes means that I am MORE suseptible to HPV and HIV. HPV is the most common std and there are multiple strains of it. Something like 90% of the population have it at some time in their lives. In most cases, the body clears the virus on it’s own in 1 to 2 years.
However, certain strains of HPV are deadly and cause cancers. Some people don’t clear them and end up very damn sick or even die. Cervical cancer, penile cancer, vaginal cancer, anal cancer – all caused by certain HPV strains.
There is NO test for HPV for men. Wearing a condom is not enough protection because HPV is on the skin and often hanging out on the testicles.
Let’s dwell in reality here. I can ask a prospective sex partner to get tested, but I’ll never know if he has HPV. That’s a risk I’ll have to take, but there is no reason to take that risk over and over and over.
Sorry, I’ll have to save the Orchid Ice Cream for one special guy.