FOR MEN: The Central Tenet of Dating Success With Women – A post ten years in the making

GENTLEMEN – This post has been a long time in the making. In the past few years that I’ve been mostly writing for women, I have also been compiling notes for a revision of The Tao of Dating: The Thinking Man’s Enlightened Guide to Success With Women. I wrote the book in 2005, so not only has the science of human mating and relating moved forward, but my thinking has evolved, too.

This evolution has partially been in the direction of a Zen maxim from Shunryu Suzuki: “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities; in the expert’s mind there are few.” And then there is the famous quote attributed to Leonardo da Vinci: “Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”

So what I’d like to do in this short article is to attempt the ultimate in simplicity: to boil down all of the science and anecdotal information on how to succeed romantically with women to one main principle. Can it be done? I’ll let you be the judge.

Here’s the big idea:

When two people are interacting socially, they are physiologically influencing one another. Pupils dilate and contract, heart rates change, blood pressure and neurotransmitter levels fluctuate.

In general, the influence of one party tends to be greater than the other. For example, if you’re talking to a really pretty girl, you may flood your body with adrenaline and feel anxious. If you’re a major celebrity, she may be the one feeling nervous. If you’re talking to your boss, you may be jittery while he feels calm.

Let’s call the one with greater physiological influence the Regulator, and the person being influenced the Regulated. And so it follows that if you want to succeed with women – however it is you define success – then you want to be the Regulator.*

That’s it.

That may seem like a simple concept, but the ramifications are huge. For example, if you’re familiar with pick-up artist techniques, they’re all oriented towards being the Regulator. Things like teasing, doing magic tricks, and telling jokes, all have the effect of physiologically affecting the woman you’re talking to.

Similarly, any time you have failed miserably with a woman, it was because you were being regulated by her. Whether it was because you think she’s so pretty that you don’t know what to say, you lose your cool when she flakes and then you say something stupid, or she somehow jumbles your circuits so you go into pleaser mode – you just got relegated to being the Regulated, bro.

From that, it follows that any activity that helps you keep your cool, maintain equanimity and generally be a better regulator of yourself and others will increase your success with women (and by extension, everyone else). Meditation is good. Mindfulness is good. Self-hypnosis is good. Being a dominant male who gets shit done is very good. How many people are out there who can regulate Barack Obama? Exactly.

And then there are the outwardly-directed skills to regulate others: conversational skills, demonstrations, magic tricks, good storytelling, hypnotic language, status/dominance, having a good voice, eye-gazing.

Any of these topics deserves a book in its own right, but I ain’t gonna write ‘em. Instead, when I do get around to revising The Tao of Dating for Men, I would include sections on the various regulation techniques. If you have a favorite, put it down in the comments below.

I’d like to thank my friend and colleague Shana James for getting me off my butt so I can finally write this up for you guys. Even if I don’t have a new book or training program upcoming for you, I’m thrilled to say that SHE does, in which I’m one of the featured speakers (and promotion partner). I’ll let her describe the Man Alive Program, coming up Jan 26 with 11 other insightful teachers. It’s free to sign up. In her words:


Are you getting all the connection, love and sex you want with women?

If not, it’s likely you’re making the mistake I’ve seen thousands of men make.   

You want to know what it is?

The mistake is thinking that the way to get into a woman’s heart or bed is through following dating rules, or using lines or games.

Trying to figure out the right thing to do or say to make women want you is exhausting, isn’t it?

So what do you do instead? Click here to find out!

My colleague, Shana James, has gathered 12 dating and relationship experts (including myself) who will give you the keys to women’s hearts and attraction, without the need to prove yourself, do the right thing, or be superman.

So, if you’re ready to shift from feeling awkward, stuck or afraid, to being confident, powerful and relaxed with women, join us for:

Man Alive: Dating, Sex and Love with Power, Choice and Confidence (Instead of Fear, Shame and Compromise)

This FREE Expert Interview Series starts on January 26th. Collectively, we’ve worked with tens of thousands of men. We’ll take the effort and struggle out of dating, sex and love for you.

Having supported men for years to create passionate, satisfying connections with women, I know when something is worth your time and this is!

You don’t need to figure this out on your own anymore. Join me and the other experts so your experiences with women can be as hot and loving as you want them to be.

Check out this unique 1 minute video and discover a new possibility for relating with women.

And know that you’re not alone in making that mistake. You (and thousands of other men) have been taught myths and stories about women, dating and love that keep you stuck and frustrated. We’re going to dissolve those myths so you can step into your true power and magnetism that women are longing for.

All the best,

Dr Ali and Shana James

P.S. Isn’t it time you had the sex, connections and love you want, without the struggle? Join me and 10 other experts for Man Alive: Dating, Sex and Love with Power, Choice and Confidence (Instead of Fear, Shame and Compromise)

P.P.S. If you know other men who struggle to have the connections, love and sex they want with women, send them here to check out Shana’s unique 1 minute video.

*This also works for women trying to succeed with men, in case you happen to be one peeking at this article, you sly thing you.

Categories: Dating for Men