Dr. Ali Binazir, Happiness Engineer

Modern Science and Ancient Wisdom for Living the Good Life

  • Matthieu Ricard on Altruism and Loving-Kindness (audio)

    Last week, I saw Matthieu Ricard give a talk about his new book Altruism: The Power of Compassion to Change You and the World (hardcover, ebook and audiobook) in an event hosted by Soren Gordhamer and Wisdom 2.0. Ricard is an interesting fellow. After finishing his doctorate in molecular genetics in 1972 in the lab of Nobel-winning legend François Jacob, he promptly took off for a Tibetan Buddhist monastery in the mountains of Nepal, where he has resided since. Subsequent to participating in a pioneering study by Richie Davidson from the University of Wisconsin on the effects of meditation on brain physiology, the media dubbed him “the happiest man in the world.”

    AltruismMatthieuRicard

    You know this is a man grounded in reality because he is quick to refute that label not out of modesty but from the simple fact that all of his fellow monks would do (and have done) equally well on measurements of their brain activity that could result in such a label. My inclination is to think that if you’ve put in the 50,000 hours of meditation that Ricard has, your brain is bound to manifest some unusual phenomena.

    Ricard is an exceptionally lucid and engaging speaker, even in English, which is not his native tongue. In fact, he’s so engaging that I hardly took any notes. Here is some of what he mentioned in his talk:

    • Happiness is not the constant seeking of pleasurable experiences. That can turn out to be quite exhausting.
    • One definition of happiness: not excluding anyone from your heart.
    • Constantly making the world about you — why did this happen to me, why are people mean to me, why am I so unlucky — you create the phenomenon of “the world arising as enemy.”
    • If you find meditation boring, it’s not the fault of the meditation.
    • The word “meditation” itself has little meaning. It’s a bit like saying “training” — what kind of training? Weightlifting? Running? Tennis?
    • In the same way that you can’t expect to play the harpsichord expertly without practice, you can’t expect to be an expert at compassion, altruism, mindfulness, gratitude without practice either.
    • Mindfulness by itself is not enough. You could have a mindful sniper or psychopath. You must add the caring component to it.

    At the request of the moderator, Ricard led us through a 4-part compassion meditation.

    1. First, you project loving-kindness to several people in sequence, from easy-to-love to very difficult.
    2. Then, you wish for a reduction of their suffering. This is the compassion component.
    3. Rejoice in the existence of all the other people also wishing for the reduction of suffering and taking an active part in it.
    4. Make impartial your projection of compassion and loving-kindness to all sentient beings, without preference or special allocation.

    I have adapted that into this 12min audio, which you can listen to here. The clinical effects of loving-kindness meditation on positive affect and psychological health are well-documented. Besides, it feels good. If you do not have a meditation practice yet, you may wish to consider trying this for starters.

    You may download the audio here.

    Ricard is currently touring the US to promote Altruism. He will make two stops in New York City next week — check his event calendar here. I urge you to go see him if you have the opportunity.

  • “If he loves me so much, why won’t he move for me”: On expectations, blindspots and self-inflicted misery

    Ladies — At first glance, this email exchange I had with your fellow reader Karin seems to be about long-distance relationships — a dead horse that in the past I have beaten so thoroughly as to pulverize, nay, vaporize it. So how does this corpse seem to resurrect itself from the very air, and keep coming back?

    Well, that’s easy. For tens of thousands of years, humans used to live and die within a 10-mile radius of where they were born. So you basically hung out with the boy or girl next door, because, well, he/she was next door. Usually in the same tribe, even.

    But once you create means of transportation that take you to the opposite end of the planet in half a day, then the fast-acting mechanism of limerence — also known as that lovin’ feeling — could get activated somewhere very far away from home. For both parties. Add to that the exoticism of being in a novel place and the stress of being a stranger, and you have the optimal brain chemical cocktail to make you fall for someone exceptionally non-local.

    Further add to that the Western Romantic Ideal — i.e. “this temporary state of massively impaired judgment called being in love means I must destroy everything in my path to give in to it” — and that’s when the trouble begins. Here’s the exchange, mostly unedited and as it occurred: (more…)

  • Video Mailbag #2: Self-Sabotage 101

    Sometimes I get a letter from you ladies so rich with nuance, implication and dysfunction that I realize it would take me hours to write a response covering everything I want to say.

    That’s when I resort to this newfangled technology called “video”, and bang out a response in 10min instead of 10hrs. This means now you also get to stare at my mug to get your answer, so hey, enjoy :)

    Two news items first: I’m putting the finishing touches on a digital version of “Project Irresistible”, the 6-week teleclass that I’ve been running periodically to bring the principles of The Tao of Dating into your life and behavior. ‘Cause, let’s face it, if we actually learned everything we read in books, we’d all be hyper-successful super-geniuses by now with perfect lives, right?

    Well, it don’t work that way. One thing I learned in med school was that route of administration matters. So a well-designed course, with audio and written material and exercises, can make a big difference. More about it on Monday.

    Second, thanks for all your feedback on the Tao of Dating Cover Redesign Contest. Your votes so far have been very helpful, but even more so — your comments! Such aesthetes in our midst, but of course. Your taste matters, because lord knows I ain’t going to be reading this book — you ladies are. So chime in, cast your vote, and expound on your thinking here.

    Now let’s set the scene for this letter: our heroine, whom we shall call Gilda, gets together with this guy who was going through a divorce. Except that he gets back together with his wife, leaving Gilda high and dry. But then, he separates from his wife again, and comes crawling back to Gilda. They get together again, and — you guessed it — dude goes back to his wife, leaving Gilda a very sad camper. Except that now he’s finalized the divorce, and guess who he just called? Ay crud. So Gilda asks me: “What should I do, Doc?” Well, what do you think ladies? And before you get all judgey on her — you’d never think like this yourself, right? Here we go:

  • Mailbag: On Leaving Toxic Relationships

    Last week, I received a rash of letters about bad relationships. Like, really, really bad relationships. I feel like these kinds of relationships are a little bit like cockroaches: for every one that you see, there are 70 that you don’t. Which makes me dread how many more of you must be in these kinds of relationships without telling me — or anyone else. Speak up! First, let’s get to this first letter here. After responding to all of the “I’m Stuck with Toxic Boy and Don’t Know What to Do” letters personally, I felt this one was representative of the batch:

    Dr Ali, I have been dating a man for the past 9 years on and off. He is 44 years old, divorced and still lives with his mother. He hangs out with his loser friends to smoke weed and drink alcohol. He hardly spends time with me when I confront him about the lack of time. All he tells me is that I complain about it too much and that I need to respect him and give him loyalty.

    His comments make me resent him, so on and off, I block him from my phone. What I heard from an ex is that the times we are not together he was sleeping around and dating other women. In our last break up, he started dating another woman a week after breaking up with me. A month later, he proposed to her and moved in with that woman. He never did anything like that with me.

    What bothers me is that he is trying to get back with me while he is still engaged to the other chick. I still love him but I feel disgusted and used. How do I let go of a loser who gave me crumbs of time?

    Resentfully, Bree

    Oh my. The only thing that’s missing here is “He also just recently got out of jail for a few felony charges and tends to beat me with a baseball bat for sport. And wants me to join his cult.” I mean, we all have different limits of tolerance, but it seems as if (more…)

  • Are you asking too much of a boyfriend?

    Ladies – Before we go into today’s letter, I have a favor to ask you. I’m re-doing the cover of The Tao of Dating, and I’d love to know which ones you like best! Click here to go to the contest and let your opinion be known: http://99designs.com/book-cover-design/vote-usgf92

    With that out of the way, here’s a great email exchange I had recently about relationship expectations and being in touch with your own needs and emotions. Where does jealousy come from? Why and when do we feel someone isn’t good enough? How do we get in the way of our own loving?

    Dear Dr. Ali, 

    I’m in a very challenging situation and you’re the only person I completely agree with when it comes to relationships so I would really appreciate your help.

    I have recently started dating an amazing man. We get along really well, our conversations flow effortlessly, we have insane chemistry, and he makes me extraordinarily happy.

    There is, however, one catch. He has two kids from his previous marriage. He only sees them once or twice a week and spends enough time with me. As much as I am happy with him, this fact is always bothering me in the back of my mind and I can’t get over it.

    I keep thinking “what if I had met him earlier when he was childless?” And this is just driving me crazy. I don’t know what to do. He is so amazing and I think I can never find someone like him again, on the other hand, I think the fact that he has kids is always going to bother me. I know I sound like a horrible person but I just can’t help it!

    What do you think I should do? Giovanna from Harvard

    Dear Giovanna –

    Sounds like you’ve got a good thing going! Some background info would be useful: your age, his age, do you have/want kids, what kind of work you do, are you angling for marriage, etc.

    So I don’t know the full story here, but one thing is for sure: (more…)

  • FOR MEN: The Central Tenet of Dating Success With Women – A post ten years in the making

    GENTLEMEN – This post has been a long time in the making. In the past few years that I’ve been mostly writing for women, I have also been compiling notes for a revision of The Tao of Dating: The Thinking Man’s Enlightened Guide to Success With Women. I wrote the book in 2005, so not only has the science of human mating and relating moved forward, but my thinking has evolved, too.

    This evolution has partially been in the direction of a Zen maxim from Shunryu Suzuki: “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities; in the expert’s mind there are few.” And then there is the famous quote attributed to Leonardo da Vinci: “Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”

    So what I’d like to do in this short article is to attempt the ultimate in simplicity: to boil down all of the science and anecdotal information on how to succeed romantically with women to one main principle. Can it be done? I’ll let you be the judge.

    Here’s the big idea: (more…)

  • Video Mailbag #1: On younger men, sleeping with him too soon, and too much fabulousness

    I asked, and you ladies responded: I am now officially getting more letters than humanly possible to respond to via stylus and parchment, quill and papyrus, and hell, even finger and keyboard. More efficient means of transmitting data need to be invented.

    Oh wait — what’s this you say? Video? I can just record my mug as I say stuff? And upload it for free for the world to see? I love the 20th century!

    Today, I’m addressing three letters: one on whether sleeping too soon with a guy kills his interest; whether or not to date a younger man just for fun; and whether a woman should diminish her fabulousness to make her more approachable to men who just can’t handle it.

    Here’s the video:

    Please like, share, comment, and disseminate worldwide ’cause I want to be as big as Bieber when I grow up. Just kidding! I have no intention of growing up.

    Love, Dr Ali

  • How to change the mind of a man who’s not into you (yet)

    ***TOMORROW: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Calling in The One may be the best book out there for women on love, written by my friend and colleague Katherine Woodward Thomas. On Thu 22 Jan at 5pm PT/8pm ET, she’s having a free online seminar entitled “How to Identify and Release Your Hidden Barriers to Love and Become Magnetic to Your Soulmate”. You should sign up and listen to her because she rocks, and make all kinds of sense. And FYI, I’ll be slated to be her guest speaker later in the course. I’ll be reminding you again. You can sign up here.***

    At a gathering last week, I met a bunch of interesting new folks. They were smart, educated, and engaged in the world in ways that were novel and inspiring. In other words, these were my kinda people.

    Being a single guy, I also noticed that some of these folks were female. And good-looking. So I talked to them, because that’s what guys do (especially this guy). And, depending on how interested I was, I talked to some of them more than others.

    So far, so normal. Guys, being primates, have preferences. They will approach some females more readily than others. There’s usually a visual template that they’re attracted to which tends to be pretty consistent (unless there are psychoactive substances like ethyl alcohol involved, in which case men have been known to try to mate with a bath towel with a really nice floral pattern).

    But is there some voodoo a woman can do to make a man who was not into her become, if not besotted, at least suddenly, strangely interested?

    Oh yes there is. And if it can happen to me, it must happen to other guys, too. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said in his timeless essay Self-Reliance, “To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men — that is genius.” And who am I to bring you readers anything less than genius?

    But enough prelude already. So what happened?

    First, let me establish that this is a supremely accomplished, talented, and interesting young lady we’re talking about here. Let’s call her Agnes. She’s fun and we’ve got a good banter going on. So the fact that she’s a cool person that I get along with is already established. The missing ingredient is mostly this: strictly speaking, she’s not my type. So it’s not like she started out as the Wicked Witch of the West and then, with a wave of her wand and a puff of smoke, suddenly I’m thinking she’s tastier than a quesadilla with extra guacamole. Nosirreebob — she was already part of the way there.

    Now I don’t know if she did any of this deliberately, but this is the rough sketch of what happened, which I will break down into the steps you may want to take for your own nefarious purposes:

    1) Spend more time with the target.

    First of all, we started spending more time together. This is probably the key ingredient: lots of casual, friendly contact. Heck, there’s even a term for it in psychology: the mere-exposure effect (or familiarity principle) says that just by seeing someone around more often, you’re going to like that person more, even if you don’t exchange a single spoken word. Crazy, huh? And yet it totally works. Add to that fun activities and stimulating conversation, and you are consistently sending interest levels upwards. At this phase, the more time you can spend, the better — there will be plenty of time to make yourself scarce later.

    2) Get trust by giving trust.

    And what should that stimulating conversation be about, you ask? It should involve self-disclosure and vulnerability, because that’s what brings people closer together. And in the process of sharing your secrets with another person, you’re doing the cardinal thing that establishes trust between two people: give trust first.

    Once you’ve established trust, it’s easy to go from the transactional, fact-based level of conversation to more connective interactions, as enumerated by brothers Rom & Ori Brafman in their excellent book Click: The Forces Behind How We Fully Engage With People, Work, and Everything We Do. It’s in this phase that you can start making a real emotional connection to another human being. Trust is an absolute prerequisite for that.

    So what did she start talking about? Her boy issues, of course (funny how that comes up around me). And other things about career, projects, family — personal, privileged information. She has now picked me as her confidante, so I am in her circle of trust. By extension, she is now in my trust circle. So now she asks me about the girls I’m interested in, my thoughts about them, etc. Crafty eh? But wait — it gets better.

    3) Talk yourself up indirectly. 

    In the process of talking about personal matters, her relationships with men came up. There was the story of this guy trying to kiss her that she was not interested in. Then another one. And another. Before long, it seemed like there was this phalanx of men trying to get together with her, and she just couldn’t understand it because she wasn’t into any of them. Gawrsh what a chore.

    See how this works? Because these men are nominally a burden on her (she’s so not into these dudes, ick!), this does not come off as bragging, which would be a turnoff. But at the same time, the meta-message that is being conveyed is straightforward: “Many guys are trying to get with me and I am selective.” At the same time, she sprinkles in hints that she is a fun, adventurous girl who is open to getting together with the guys she does like, if only they gave her the time of day.

    This is the truly masterful part of the whole procedure: simultaneously signaling desirability, availability and selectivity. The last part is crucial: to create attraction with Mr or Ms XYZ, researchers say that it’s important that you convey that you are specifically choosing XYZ amongst the vast multitudes.

    Ladies — this is seduction as art. It happens subtly and at an unconscious level. Seemingly, there are no sudden movements, no desperate bids, no games of hard-to-get. Everything is out in the open. And yet, before he knows it, the dude is in your thrall, thinking, “Well, am I one of those guys that she wants or not? What would it be like to get together with her? And, come to think of it, she is kinda cute in her own quirky way. Is there something wrong with me for not noticing that sooner?” Do not be surprised if you suddenly find yourself being courted in earnest by the dude in question. He may even ask you out on a real date.

    And dear readers: amongst the tens of thousands of experiences you’ve had in aggregate, I’m sure many of you have pulled off exactly this kind of magic trick, only better. So please feel free to share your methods of craftiness in the comments or by writing to me directly at DrAli(at)TaoOfDating.com — would love to hear your tales.

    *****

    Before I leave, a quick note: you guys do realize that I write an advice column, right? So any letter that you send me — especially if it’s a juicy one — has a chance of appearing on the blog for the whole world to see. DO NOT BE SURPRISED BY THIS, ahem. I do my best to anonymize every letter that I post on the blog, but if there’s something you don’t want the world to know, don’t put it in the letter. Simple. Change the details so the spirit of the story is the same but the data cannot be traced back to you. And: 200 words or less, make sure there’s a question in there. I might have to send a big fat prize to the first person who actually sends me a letter that adheres to those criteria…

    All the best, Dr Ali

    PS: I just told you about how to reel a guy in when he’s not interested. But what do you do keep him pulling away when he IS interested? Today, Wed Jan 21, I’m the featured speaker on the Why Men Pull Away series of free online lectures put on by my friend & colleague Cyndi Olin. There are some great (and funny!) speakers in the lineup, including the fabulous Arielle Ford. The series is already well under way, so sign up here to make sure you catch my talk and the other good ones. No cost to listeners.

  • Are you ready for love? When women un-commit (LETTER)

    I was going to include this letter in the last batch. Then I realized that this one alone could take up a whole article, since it brings up so much good stuff:

    “Hi Dr B! I’m not sure if you remember me. I spoke to you on Skype over a year ago about whether it could work out between me and my boyfriend who is 5 years younger than me. I was concerned about my biological clock and whether he would be ready in time to make a commitment towards marriage.

    Now I’m about to turn 31 and he’s 26. He is totally committed to our relationship and my parents adore him. He treats me really well, is responsible, self-disciplined, clever and insightful so I feel like I can really grow with him.

    There’s just one problem. I’m writing to you because I want your opinion on whether you think I’m sabotaging my relationship. I’ve been seeing all of these flaws in him, I know I’m being critical which probably says more about me than him but… I’m not just sure that I’m totally connected to him, as I thought it would feel different than it does and what if I meet someone in the future that understands me more, that I can connect better with.

    How do you ever know you’re making the right decision about spending your life with this one person? Are you just supposed to know? Am I self-sabotaging my relationships because I’m searching for the perfect person? I’m feeling confused and frustrated because at first I wasn’t sure if HE would be seriously committed to this relationship. Now after 2 years of him being a pretty great boyfriend, I’m not sure if it’s ME who’s going to be happy. And sometimes I don’t know if I’m ever sure of anything. I think I’m afraid of making the big decisions in life. I only want to get married once and I want to be happily married. Hoping you can shed some light on my situation. Thanks! Carina”

    Well well. Isn’t it interesting how the pendulum swings. One second you’re the pursued; next one, you’re the suitor. One day you’re the one who wants commitment; next day you’re the one who wants out. How come nobody (more…)

  • On sexual boundaries, exotic lovers and three ways I answer your dating questions

    This year marks a decade since I left my corporate job at McMisery & Co to start writing and teaching for a living in May 2005. Thanks to you and my other dear readers, I can safely say: so far, so good. Now over these ten years of receiving and responding to thousands of your letters, I’ve noticed a few things.

    First of all, almost none of you who write me explicitly state what you want. You send me a scenario – he said, she said, this happened – and then ask me “What’s your take on that?” So basically you’re asking me to figure out what you want AND tell you how to get it. Is this part of my job description, hmmm…

    This is because most people aren’t aware of their unconscious needs, because, well, they’re not available to the conscious mind. So let me tell you what you should want:

    You want to flourish and give your gift to the world. You want companionship that involves mutual support, love and growth. This package I call fulfillment, and that’s what you should aim for.

    The other thing I’ve noticed is my real role as a self-help author. You may think that (more…)