Dr. Ali "Victor" Binazir, Happiness Engineer

On amplifying your femininity

Hi Dr. Ali, I just listened to your interview with Orna and Matthew Walters.  I’m currently separated from my husband and looking for ways to become a more ‘surrendered wife’ and totally sink into my femininity.  Do you have any books or resources you would recommend to help me with that?

We have had the modern 50/50 type relationship and our polarity is totally flat lined.  We are both willing to put in the work and uncover our natural sexual essences (we’re reading David Deida’s book), and I’m just wanting to do my part to my best ability.

I would greatly appreciate your input. Thank you! — Heather M.

Y’know, it’s always a little awkward for me when women ask me for tips on how to be more feminine.  Gladly!  While we’re at it, let me teach some hawks how to fly better, and give some dolphins swimming tips.

At the same time, I do know what I like, and I have noticed differences between a woman who is super-feminine and one who has not quite mastered that energy.

So, for starters, I’m going to refer you to a book: The Sensuous Woman by J.  It’s written by a woman in her late 30s-early 40s, of average looks and figure by her own admission, who somehow has every man wrapped around her finger.  She does it by being deeply sensual — taking pleasure in the exercise of her 5 senses. Super-quick read.  If you can get past some of the dated references, there’s some gold in them thar pages.

If you want to take it to the next level, get Slow Sex by Nicole Daedone.  This book treats the root cause instead of giving you Band-Aid solutions.  Watch the video of her I put up on the blog, and learn the technique.

As for pointers from this here guy: start wearing more skirts and dresses if you aren’t already.  It’s funny how clothing can just snap you right into one state of mind vs another.  If you were wearing a suit at work, change into (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 19 August 2011

An encounter with the Goddess

“Well, hello!” she said with a million-candle smile that cut through the darkness of the bar.  Even in those three syllables, you could detect a hint of a European accent – several, actually.  She was about thirty, of medium build and height with shoulder-length blonde hair.  Good-looking but not discomfitingly so, wearing an olive-colored knee-high beige dress that was conservative but flattering to her figure.  If you saw her at the supermarket, you’d probably think she was a stylish professional lady, nice if not remarkable, and continue minding your own business.

And you would be mistaken, because Victoria K. is one remarkable woman – probably the most charming woman I have ever met.  She was so powerful that, within 15 minutes of meeting her, I felt as if I would have given her anything she wanted, full Brahms CD collection included.

What did she do to win me over so completely, in so little time?

First, she was welcoming.  She gave me a big, warm hello, looking at me directly in the eye with a big smile on her face, even though she had never (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 12 August 2011

Why the Pill may be secretly messing up your love life

A year after the 50^th anniversary of the Pill, it thrills me that the news of women’s progress keeps coming. As of 2008, 57% of college graduates are women, and 26% of wives now out-earn their husbands. It’s not farfetched to say the Pill has been instrumental in making it possible for women today to head major corporations, run the world’s #1 university, and lead its fourth-largest economic power.

But have the overwhelming benefits of the Pill also harbored a subtle downside, especially when it comes to women’s love lives?

One of the central tenets of Taoist philosophy is the complementarity of opposites. The principle manifests itself everywhere from elementary particle physics to human relations. Electrons balance protons. Sunlight creates shade. Yin balances yang. To every positive trait, there is a shadow. No coin can have only one side.

In short, there is no unalloyed boon in the world. And the Pill may have been secretly messing with the love lives of smart, successful women for 50 years in at least three ways:

1) The Pill may make you pick guys you normally wouldn’t be attracted to.

In a 2003 paper, researcher Tony Little of St Andrew’s University and colleagues found that taking the Pill may be encouraging women to ‘have relationships with inappropriate men.’

Are we talking about men who eat their steak with a salad fork or maybe something more serious?

Let me explain. Women on the pill were (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 19 August 2011

Seven things smart women should never do on a date

I believe that smart, fabulous, successful, attractive women deserve fulfilling, deliriously happy love lives.  Sometimes, though, unintentional behaviors ruin our chances in courtship.

In compiling this list, I’m speaking as an author who’s been on the receiving end of hundreds of guys’ letters on their dating woes — and a single guy who’s been on a bad date or two. So what I’m telling you here is straight from the horse’s mouth — if horses had graduate degrees and spoke in complete, remarkably coherent English sentences.

Also note that the subject of this article was framed negatively to get your attention. Now that I have said attention, I will frame the items positively — things you should do. Tends to be even more useful.

So, you’re ready? Here they come:

1. Do everything in your power to keep the first date.

So your guy met you at a party somewhere. He stuck his neck out and wrote the first email, made the first call, and set up the first date.

Sure, you hit it off when you first met, and it was fun talking to him on the phone.  But right now, as the moment of truth draws near, you just feel like you need to cancel or postpone. Excuses to cancel seem to be cropping up by the minute.

And you know what?  That’s normal.  The temptation to cancel the first date at the last minute is (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 3 August 2011

Your responses to ‘Women’s Progress’

The last post on the unexpected side effects of women’s progress evoked a vigorous response from you, my lovely readers.  Whenever I stir up some mud with one of these zingers and you guys write back, I get to find out how smart and savvy you ladies are.  Perhaps I should do this more often…

I particularly appreciate all of your comments and suggestions, because at the same time that I am here to teach you something, I’m also here to learn.  I’ve never been a woman, so any time you give me feedback about how you really feel and how I can communicate better, that’s pure gold.

Some of you gave me suggestions for new titles, one of which I incorporated.  Others told me how the message was basically sound, but the way it was conveyed rankled.  Duly noted; edits in progress.  Some of you even gently suggested ways of improving the writing.

So — a big thank you to all my teachers.  Love you guys!

As with most controversial ideas, this post met with responses ranging from the righteously indignant to the downright nice.  The proponent : detractor ratio was about 3:1.  Let’s start with this one:

Wow. You do realize that you’ve just told every woman who reads your blog to go off the pill and leave her pregnancy risk in the hands of guy and a condom if she wants to be happily married one day? I am appalled.

Appallled is a good start to shifting some timeworn ideas around.  Indifferent is deadly.  And then this one:

You always seem to know exactly what I need to read when I need to read it! Thank you for your work. I really appreciate your ideas and your way of expressing yourself. You help a lot of people; of that, I’m sure.

Apparently I was unaware of my oracular powers.  Should I move to Greece, or is that bad timing?  And another:

Thank you for making me smile this am on the train into Essex. Ovaries not balls ha ha! You shed more light on the contraceptive pill, read an article once on how the pill may make women lose their attractive edge…polarity..magnetism…whatever you wanna call that while on the pill and the ’scent of kin’ rather than a sense of polarity to compliment each other makes sense to me. Thank you. Love from London town

Essex!  Rhymes with… Wessex!  Can’t think of anything else it rhymes with.  I like this one:

How then do you explain the many poor dating decisions that are made without being on the pill and the good ones that are made while on? I just don’t buy the pill argument. Mind over matter.

Well, yes.  And it turns out that mind is also made of matter, which kinda matters if you give it mind.  And my favorite:

Can I just tell you how happy I am that you wrote this piece? I think about this topic a lot. The way you research your articles and books is mind blowing (literally, and that’s a good thing). You back everything up, not with just anecdotal stories, but current scientific research and ancient wisdom that has stood up for centuries. Wow.

I happen to believe the “progress” referred to in the title has been good and appropriate along the path to real balance, even with its attendant “dirty little secrets.” But as your points illustrate, we aren’t “there” yet with the women’s movement. Let’s assess where it stands today (because for sure we aren’t finished yet because we aren’t fulfilled yet) and we need to see the stuff we didn’t realize when we tried to BE a man in a misguided attempt to be valued equally to a man. Sure, we sooooo needed the progress that has been made so far, but now a slight correction might be the next step, and you describe so wonderfully well where we might begin to make those corrections. Maybe not everyone will give up the Pill, but it’s something to think about – I had no idea that it might have those effects on me. And #2 and #3 are no brainers for me.

Fantastic article! Thanks!

And thank you!

So all of this made me wonder why I bother writing this stuff.  The simplest version is that I’m here to help you flourish.  Liberation and empowerment are a big part of that.

So, keeping that in mind, let’s re-state the ideas from the last post into more generalized terms:

1) Think hard about any systemic drug that you need to take indefinitely.  It is more likely to enslave you than empower you.

Drugs can do a lot of good.  Had antibiotics existed, Beethoven, Schubert and John Keats would have lived even longer, more productive lives, and I would have had more cool symphonies, quartets and odes to enjoy.

On the other hand, I’m not a fan of drugs you have to take forever just to be okay (with the notable exception of insulin and perhaps a couple of others).  Nobody has done a drug trial forever, and who knows what happens when you take a drug for 10, 20, 30 years.

The pill’s been a boon to billions of women.  Where you used to writhe in agony, doubled over in pain for 8 days of the month, now it’s smooth sailing all the way. Better mood, better productivity, more peace of mind.

I’m also saying that, like all good things, the pill is not 100% totally hunky-dory awesome in every way.  There are costs associated with using it which are measurable, quantifiable and undeniable.  You should know about them.

You shouldn’t take my word for it — test if for yourself.  If you go off the pill for 3 months and your love life changes dramatically for the better, you’ve learned something new.  And if not, you can go to status quo ante bellum.

2) The acquisition and exercise of certain skills can make you a more empowered, attractive and fulfilled person.

Such skills are their own reward.  Cooking, massage, sexual know-how, playing the piano — all of these enrich your life and those around you.

3) You’re more effective when you move from the center of your power.

If you’re a tiger, you’re better on ground that in water.  If you’re a dolphin, you’re better in the water than on dry land.  If you’re a man, you’re more empowered centering yourself in masculine energy.  If you’re a woman, you’re stronger with feminine energy.  Use the home-court advantage.

All the best

AB

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 27 July 2011

Three unexpected side effects of women’s progress

Recently there’s been much encouraging news for the progress of womenfolk.  A study of US Census data* found that single women in their 20s living in New York City now out-earn their male counterparts by 17 percent.  Separately, Harvard Medical School has been admitting more women than men for some years now.  And all over the country, more women are earning college degrees than men.  Heck, women run companies, states, and even whole countries, as they should.

This is certainly an improvement over the days when women were neither allowed to vote nor own property.  Empowerment of half the world’s population is a welcome trend, so hallelujah to that.

But has there been a downside to this progress?

One of the central tenets of Taoism is the principle of complementarity of opposites.  The principle manifests itself everywhere from elementary particle physics to human relations.  Electrons balance protons.  Sunlight creates shade.  Yin balances yang.  To every positive trait, there is a shadow side.  And every negative trait contains a hidden boon.  A coin cannot have only one side.

Whatever force has brought about women’s progress — call it feminism, enlightenment, or simple economic imperative — has its shadow side.  In the case of the three things I’m going to tell you about, the downside is pretty high (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 27 July 2011

If you think you’re in an abusive relationship, read this NOW

Recently I read a moving, sobering article about a great woman who was stuck in an abusive relationship.

I couldn’t believe what I read.  Here was a super-smart woman — a doctor, in fact — who was letting a man beat her up, literally and figuratively, for five YEARS.

At various points, he kicked her, choked her, and even held a gun to her head.  Dr Karen E Johnson was fearing for her life.  And yet she still stayed with him.

The pattern is a familiar one: he was ‘romantic’, made breakfast in bed, said sweet nothings to her, and did all kinds of other nonsense that sucked Dr Karen in and kept her with him.

Let me make it clear: men should be the protectors and providers for women — not their attackers.  Any kind of physical violence means you need to get out.  IMMEDIATELY.

I don’t know what it takes for a smart woman to wake up, realize that it’s not okay for a guy to raise a hand on her EVER, and walk out.  Or call the police.

The statistic I heard was that it takes 5 attempts before a woman finally leaves her abuser for good.  And it almost always takes outside help — from a friend, family member, therapist, social worker, concerned neighbor.

Whatever it takes, I want to take this opportunity to tell you that YOU CAN DO IT.  You have my full permission and support to break out of this.  To get you started, here’s an excellent article about the signs to look for BEFORE a guy gets abusive.  It’s well-researched and very insightful:

Tell Somebody: 10 Surprising Signs You’re Dating an Abusive Guy by Liz Brody, Editor-at-Large of Glamour Magazine

And here’s the link to Dr Karen E Johson’s website, where she has two free ebooks, Five Ways to Find Out if You’re In an Abusive Relationship and 5 Ways to Take Your Power Back: DrKarenEJohnson.com

Here are some excerpts from her article ‘Secrets and Lies’ (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 17 May 2011

How to get back the one that got away (AUDIO)

I got a great letter recently asking about how to get back the one that got away:

Dr. Ali –

Writing a thank you note after reading a self-help book (in one sitting) isn’t usually my style, but in the spirit of gratitude and non-attachment, I wanted to thank you for The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible. I loved the references to some of my go-to books for wisdom – The Four Agreements (and my personal favorite agreement: take nothing personally) and Gottman’s work in particular. That you read and reference Gottman in particular lends a lot of credibility, beyond just the “oh yeah. I knew that, I just forgot it” passages. I very much needed the reminder of everything you put down and I’ve filled in the margins with my own notes.

My lingering question has to do with recovery… I met someone and had a an amazing first date. Wasn’t clear on what I wanted, slept with him too soon, threw all my reserve out the window, and ended up coming across as needy, which isn’t my usual posture. As much as I’m sure it threw him (I haven’t heard from him since), it threw me twice as hard. Long story short, he didn’t see me at my best. Now that I’ve got my philosophy back, I would like a do-over. Is such a thing possible? If it is, will you either 1) give me a quick rundown on how to see him again – I can handle it once I’ve got a real human to work with rather than stupid texting – or 2) include the above information in the next edition of the book?

Thanks again for the book. It was absolutely what I needed.

Sincerely,

Andrea.

And this is what I said.  Even though the letter was written by a woman, the principles are about being human.  Since guys are also human, it applies to us smelly brutes as well.  Right-click to download:

HowToGetThemBack_DrAliBinazir.mp3 (7.5min)

What are your thoughts?

Best

AB

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 4 May 2011

“What’s he thinking?” and the pitfalls of online dating (AUDIO)

Ladies —

This is one of the best letters I’ve gotten in a while, and in this podcast I’ll tell you why, and what an octopus (?!) has to do with it.  Jennifer had a summer romance with someone she met online, and then — things got weird.  Now she’s wondering whether it’s worth retrieving, and what the guy’s strange behavior means.  To get the full story, listen to the podcast — right-click to download (8mb):

“What’s he thinking?” and the pitfalls of online dating

Let me know what you’re thinking!

Best, Dr Ali B

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 4 May 2011

Guest article: How to get over a guy, by Evan Marc Katz

Ladies –

I’d like to introduce to you the work of my friend and colleague Evan Marc Katz.  Most recently, he released the ebook ‘Why He Disappeared’, which I liked a lot.  He talks exactly the kind of horse-sense that I dig, so I hope you find this useful.

–AB

I invite you to think of the last time you were emotionally invested in a man.

It could have been a promising prospect you met online, it could have been your boyfriend of five months, it could have been your fiancé.

The common denominator is that this man, who took your breath away and gave you hope, ultimately left you.

I know how it feels. Most people do. You stake your dreams on the integrity of your relationship, only to find out that he had eyes for someone else, that he had major issues with you, or that wasn’t ready to commit to you.

This can be devastating. It can make you mistrustful. It can make you lose faith. It can stop you from dating entirely.

But the hardest part is how, far too often, you never (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 4 May 2011

“Is the universe screwing with me?”: The Old Flame question

Dr. Alex,

I have a question.  Last week I saw a guy that I was pretty much in love with 20 years ago.  My first love and hard crush.  I haven’t seen him for years and saw him at Chipotle randomly one night.  Was that just the universe screwing with me or do you think that means something?  Of course I was still attracted to him.

Thank you.

— Adrienne, New York City

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 2 May 2011

Blitz Consults! Office hours this Fri 22 April

Last week we had so much fun doing blitz 10-min consults during office hours that we’re going to do it again!

Apparently it was a mega-popular thing, so this time there will be twice as many slots:

• Time: Fri, 22 April 2011, 1pm-3pm Pacific/4pm-6pm Eastern
• Number: +1 218 862 1300
• Sign up here: http://goo.gl/A2HOg
• Confirm via email with ‘Confirm blitz session [your time]!’ in subject line: drali (at) taoofdating.com

Enter your name and first initial, and shoot me an email at drali (at) taoofdating.com so I know to expect you. If you do not confirm, I’ll give your spot up to someone else. Then call 2 min before your slot and wait till I unmute you.

There are twelve 10-minute slots.  There are many thousands of you.  This means there are fewer slots than there are people.  Translation: get a move on if you want to get on.

You can cover a lot of ground in 10min if you have a well-defined topic in mind.  A 10min consult is like me writing you a 5-page email.  So be prepared so we can get the most out of our time together.

Some FAQ:

Q: Will this be recorded?

A: I didn’t record it the first time, but I will probably record it this time for possible inclusion in my podcast.  If you don’t want to use your real name, don’t.  The people waiting for their slots will be hearing you in any case.  Think of it as a small radio call-in show.

Q: Can I only ask questions about my love life, or are there other acceptable topics?

A: Although most of you know me because of the Tao of Dating books, I’m interested in all aspects of self-growth.  In fact, many of you have noticed that the Tao of Dating books are really self-improvement books craftily disguised as dating guides.

So any question related to self-improvement is cool by me.  If it’s beyond my expertise, I’ll refer you to the appropriate sources.

Q: What if I flake and don’t show up without taking my name off the list?

A: The names and emails of all no-shows will be put up on the blog for all to see and wag fingers at.  You will also earn my eternal wrath, which is a terrible thing to behold. We’re adults now — take responsibility.

Q: Is it possible to arrange a private consultation after the 10-min session if I need one?

A: Yes.  10min is enough time for me to diagnose your challenge and suggest some remedies.  However, to really dig deep and resolve the problem usually requires more concentrated effort.  Shoot me an email and we can arrange a 30-, 60- or 90-min consult.

Q: Are you going to have office hours for your European, Asian and Australian readers?

A: If there’s interest, absolutely!  Send an email with ‘Do office hours for [your country]’, and if I have enough people, I’ll do it.  Koalas are people, too.

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 20 April 2011