Dr. Ali "Victor" Binazir, Happiness Engineer

How often should you call him?: A definitive guide for smart women

This letter brings up a perennial question that every woman has, so it’s about time we tackled it:

Dr. Alex,

I really appreciate your advice and have listened to your CD over and over again. I also followed your Tao of Dating principles, which was beyond enlightening for me, as it turned the tables and made me responsible for doing my own housework and trying to be the goddess and I still think ‘What would a goddess do?’ when I’m in a situation that hurts or annoys me and this goddess-thinking prevents me from acting needy or overly emotional!

Your advice has helped me tremendously in being able to finally a great guy!! We have great communication, great attraction, share the same values, have fun together, etc. etc. etc. We have been exclusive for four months and just recently went on a fabulous trip. We see each other as much as possible, however with his child and my work schedule, it’s sometimes not as much as we would like. At any rate it is one of the best, if not the best, relationship, I have ever been in, however there is only one thing that bothers me and that I don’t know how to address it. I have been debating even asking you as it seemed trivial at first, however I don’t feel that it is.

Here it is: It really frustrates me that when I don’t see him, that we barely speak on the phone…It’s just that I would like to talk to him more when I’m not able to see him and when I don’t, I feel disconnected. I think it’s partially my fault, since following your advice, I got out and dated more than one guy at the beginning and did not call the guys but generally waited for them to call (new concept for me and it actually worked, thanks!). Eventually he rose to the top and we started dating exclusively and I continued to let him initiate most of the calls but now I don’t know if he’s gotten ‘settled in’, but when I don’t see him, he doesn’t call that often. It’s not that I never hear from him, there is the occasional text, call etc., but for a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, it’s less calling than I’m used to and although everyone is different with how much they call, I think even a goddess might get a little hurt/annoyed by this behavior lol. And I do call occasionally and it’s always a good conversation so maybe I’m blowing the whole thing out of proportion, but I feel like if he doesn’t call that maybe he’s not thinking about me, or that a boyfriend ‘should’ call more because he wants to, but I know not to get into ‘should’ thinking!!

[Omitted: big paragraph on how she’s overthinking it because of her relationship history]

Anyway my burning question is what I should do?? 1) Should I just call him more if I want to talk and not worry about it seeming aggressive or overbearing cuz I am his girlfriend anyway and not one that would call 5 times a day anyway, we’re talking once every couple days or 2) should I should just suck it up and continue to not call him that much, knowing guys need their space and their cave and try not to let past insecurities get in my way but just continue to be the goddess and enjoy what I do have with this great guy or 3) can I just talk to him about this without sounding needy? Maybe it will be like other issues that I was afraid to bring up, but we had a good conversation from so I don’t know why I’m afraid other than I don’t want to do anything ungoddesslike and screw up this good relationship I finally have. Anyway your help would be greatly appreciated :))

Jill

Goodness gracious, Jill!  You’re lucky I’m not a lawyer, ’cause then I would have had to charge you $372.83 just for reading this.  Dear readers — kindly keep it under 250 words, willya.  I’ve got YouTube pet videos to surf here.

Also, you are not allowed to put ‘lol’ in a letter unless you actually laugh out loud at that moment.  Meaning that you’re laughing at your own writing, which seems mighty unlikely.  Even James Thurber didn’t do that.  And no, a mere chuckle doesn’t qualify.  So basically you can’t use ‘lol’, like, ever.  ‘MAM’, perhaps — it stands for ‘musing and mulling’.  As in, “I wonder if I’m overthinking this whole thing (MAM).”  Because you really are musing and mulling.  Or ‘SMHWTMH’ — scratch my head while twirling my hair.  As in, “We had a great first date — why hasn’t he called me yet (SMHWTMH)?  Geez.”

But no LOL.  That’s reserved for authentic guffaws and funny cat pictures.

So, the brief answer to your burning question is that you’re overthinking it (surprise!).  I mean, your letter’s twists and turns and decisions and revisions that reverse themselves make a Six Flags roller coaster seem like a stroll down a grocery aisle.  As the Tao Te Ching says, “Stop thinking and solve all your problems.”

You’re also being kinda insecure.  He’s calling as much as he ever did, so he hasn’t changed.  You have.  Now that you’ve got a great man (by your own reckoning), you’re operating out of (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 16 April 2011

Before you say “I do”: a checklist for women

I’m happy to report that I’m riled up again.  A good thing, because it makes me do useful things, like finishing books and writing this here article.

It’s not a good thing because usually what gets me riled up is a good woman stuck in a bad spot.

Not so long ago, I met such a woman.  She’s smart, healthy, tall, educated and dazzlingly beautiful.  Her poetry attests to a nimble intellect, an expansive soul and an observant eye for the truth.  A rare individual.

What I did not understand was how she got married to a man who ended up abusing her, cheating on her and blaming his cheating on her (“This is what you deserve”).  She had two children with him and is still going through a rancorous divorce 2 years after separating, and is in a pretty tough spot financially and emotionally.

How does crap like this happen to good women — smart women who know better?

Well, it can happen in a lot of ways:

• You fall in love, put your frontal lobe in a jar and marry a guy you later on find you don’t know all that well.
• Some dude pursues you so doggedly that you just give up after a while.
• You’re stuck in a bad living situation and use marriage as an escape route.
• Your parents treated you poorly so you marry a guy who fits that love template ’cause it feels like home, albeit a shitty one.

The reasons for women marrying the wrong guy are (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 20 April 2011

Sexual dynamics in the 21st century

This insightful article popped up on Slate last week.  Worth a read:

Sex Is Cheap

Why young men have the upper hand in bed, even when they’re failing in life.

By Mark Regnerus, Posted Friday, Feb. 25, 2011, at 12:23 PM ET

We keep hearing that young men are failing to adapt to contemporary life. Their financial prospects are impaired—earnings for 25- to 34-year-old men have fallen by 20 percent since 1971. Their college enrollment numbers trail women’s: Only 43 percent of American undergraduates today are men. Last year, women made up the majority of the work force for the first time. And yet there is one area in which men are very much in charge: premarital heterosexual relationships. Continue here

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 7 March 2011

The Art & Science of Spotting College Bad Boys

Here’s a letter I got recently from a female Harvard undergrad. Names have been changed to protect the shady:

Dear Ali,

I have a question for you regarding a dating situation I had recently.

Jon had been pursuing me for several months, sending me friendly texts, chatting in our psych class, before I was finally convinced that his intentions were (at least somewhat) honorable. I began spending time with Jon outside of class; we would hang out together at parties on the weekend and sometimes grab lunch during the week. I was aware that Jon was far more available to spend time with me on weekend nights than during the week, but, I figured, we were both busy people.

After a few months of casually hooking up, I decided that I liked Jon, but I didn’t just want a casual relationship with him. Before things went any further, physically that is, I communicated my concern to Jon. I told him that I didn’t just sleep around. If he did not want a commitment, this could not go any further.  Jon understood, and even told me that I was the kind of girl he “respected.” I was satisfied with this response; maybe I had actually found a good guy.

Shortly after Jon and I slept together, he stopped calling me.

I thought I had been so careful. After all that time, how did I still become his one-night stand? I need sage advice — how do I spot a “bad boy” in disguise?

Sara

Wow. Tough one, Sara! Sounds like you were pretty circumspect about this one and still got blindsided.

Before we start, two things: It’s possible for you to do everything right and still get a bad result. It’s called life. The key is to dust yourself off, chalk it up to experience and keep on moving. Do not indulge in self-pity, blame or shame, but do learn from your experience.

Second: Could you have done things differently? This is where the gold nugget of learning resides. I was just reading about one of the greatest game players of all time. His name is Bill Robertie. You’ve probably never heard of him: he’s a champion chess player, a 2-time world backgammon champion (a record), and a poker expert. Nobody in the world has that level of mastery in those three domains.

By his own account, the way he got to be world-class in all three disciplines was to learn from his own mistakes. He would study every move he made, and think: “How can I do this better next time?” And he did. And he got that good.

So the key here is to see what you can and should do differently next time. I don’t have the full account of who Jon is and what transpired between you, so I’ll be talking in terms of principles rather than specifics.

What we’re going to focus on today is not just how to avoid bad boys, but how to ensure that you (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 27 February 2011

9 Deadly Online Dating Profile Mistakes You Can Avoid Easily

As you know from reading The Tao of Dating for Women, I’m not a huge fan of online dating — face-to-face is the way to go.  However, on the heels of a friend’s success story — “Omigod, I met my fiance online!  You should totally try it!” — I make an ill-advised annual foray into the e-swamps of eHarmony, take a whiff of the strange brew of Chemistry.com, or do something stupid on OKcupid.  All in the name of education and research for you, of course.  And then, properly chastened, I go back to the low-tech system of meeting real human beings in real time, until enough time elapses that I forget the unpleasantness and give it another whirl.

What I have learned from my month on this one site is that instead of facilitating the meeting of kindred spirits, how many barriers online dating introduces to humans simply connecting.  So if you must be online, or you’ve already plunked down for a 3-month deal and it’s too late to cancel so let’s just see where this goes, here are some mistakes you can avoid very easily.

Caveat: I’m writing from the point of view of the guy, so I’m going to be super-blunt here.  In fact, chances are very good you won’t like some of what I have to say.  So even if you think what I say is petty, silly, stupid, prejudiced, remember: this is how lots of guys think.  Even the really good ones. So if you want one of them in your life, (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 29 December 2010

How to change the weather

Looks like the ‘What were you thinking, girl?’ post evoked a lot of responses.  Here are some that I got from you:

Dr Alex,

I LOVED this article. I have a wide grin on my face right now and just one word for you: GUILTY. I’ve done most of these things and I’m not proud of them. It makes me think back to earlier this year, I was going with a guy in his late twenties (whereas I just turned 20) and I never returned his calls..and he even remarked that he doesn’t usually get treated like this (he was a quality guy in just about every sense of the word). You can guess where that relationship went…. *sighs*

Over time I’ve realized a lot of my dating/relationship misfortunes have been mostly because of self-sabotage! Can you recommend/write an article for how to end it? I know there are tons of materials out there, but an expert’s recommendation is always appreciated. :)

I look forward to your upcoming blogs and newsletters.

All the best,
Jackie

Thanks for the note, Jackie.  The original title of the article was ‘How to stop being in your twenties.’  Perhaps it wasn’t too bad a title after all, hmmm…

And there there was this one:

Dear Alex,

You make some excellent points, as usual. I would just like to state for the record that there are men who are just as guilty of this as women might be, and nice women who have to put up / decide not to put up with the same poor form from a lot of guys. Just saying.

But I am sure you knew that already and sent out a similar e-mail to the men who e-mail you?

all best and thanks as usual for your encouraging advice about these things…

Nellie  R.=)

Interesting.  Grudgingly accepting, but ever-so-subtly attempting to pass the buck.  And then there was this one:

Ha ha! It’s the other way around. You need to be telling the guys that they need to get back to US. Please, I am always polite to them, to a fault. Then I’m the one who ends up screwed. They think “getting back” to them seems too needy. Gimme a break.

— Bella

No comment necessary on that one.

So in my position as self-appointed big brother/consigliere to the nation of smart, professional, single women (not the worst spot in the world, must say), sometimes I have to be the bearer of not-so-good news.

After all, a good consigliere would tell you if you had ketchup stains on your suit, if your plaid sweater was clashing with your polka dot pants, or if your eyeliner had smudged and made you look like a very thin version of a panda.

In other words, sometimes I have to break it to you that you’re screwing up.  From having written dozens of articles of this nature, by now I have a statistically significant sample of your responses to them.  And the most common one basically goes like this:

“Well, sure, okay, I see your point.  But what about the guys?  They screw up even more.”

Interesting.

To start this discussion, humor me for a moment as we entertain a metaphor.  Let’s call all the unexpected things that can happen in the dating arena ‘the weather.’  In that case, my job is to tell you what kind of weather to expect, and how to respond to it. Kind of like a super-prescient weatherman.

If it’s rainy outside, I would say take an umbrella, wear a raincoat, don some galoshes if it’s really hairy.  If it’s hot, I would say wear linen or something else that’s breathable.  If it’s cold, I’d say dress in layers and wear thermal underwear.  If there’s a hurricane, I’d say stay in your favorite bomb shelter and don’t even think about going out.

Pretty straightforward.  There’s no arguing with the weather — you do what you’ve got to do.

So may I propose that you stop telling me “I’m fine — why don’t you tell the weather to change?”  Because men are like the weather.  Let me re-phrase that by repeating it verbatim, which actually is not a re-phrasing at all but rather an attempt to burn it into your head through sheer dint of repetition:

Men are like the weather.

And can we see that in boldface?  Say hallelujah:

Men are like the weather.

Underlined and in all caps?  Sing it, sistah:

MEN ARE LIKE THE WEATHER.

You can’t change the weather.  And you can’t change men.  However, you can change the way you respond to them.

Here’s an even more important principle that I learned from one of my teachers: when you defend yourself in any way, you have completely blocked the path of growth.  When you say “Sure, but”, you just killed whatever lesson was contained in there.  You’ve made it impossible for yourself to learn.

Gandhi famously said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”  My job is to empower you.  And you have power to work on yourself and make positive changes.

If I were to say that, in order for you to be happy, you need to change Mt Rushmore, 535 Congressmen in D.C., a eucalyptus in Australia or some cute guy you just met, I have disempowered you because those things are not under your control.  You, your mind, and your behavior, on the other hand, are under your control (at least more than anything else).

So take responsibility for your actions (without blaming yourself, of course).  Think of responsibility as the ability to respond.  That’s basically the same as power.  In fact, you’re more empowered when you take responsibility even for the things that clearly he screwed up, because then it brings it into your zone of influence, as opposed to the vast uncontrollable we called the weather.  Defenselessness, openness to feedback, and responsibility will hold you in good stead in your path to authentic happiness and fulfillment in all spheres of your life.

All the best

Dr Alex

PS: FYI, before one of you digs into me and tells me to write this article for the men, too — I have.  Eons ago.  Now go re-read it ’cause clearly you didn’t hear a word I just said :)  And it’s high time you got yourself a copy of the infamous book for women — it does a mind, body and soul good.

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 20 February 2012

What were you thinking, girl? How to stop self-sabotage

One of the most gratifying and distressing aspects of my job is being on the receiving end of the unsolicited confessions of you, my readers.  Gratifying, because it means you want to share juicily incriminating stories with me.  Distressing, because they confirm some of my worst suspicions about human behavior.

One of those suspicions that has been confirmed far too many times for me to ignore is that, when it comes to dating, women in their twenties are exceptionally good at self-sabotage.  I cannot tell you the dozens upon hundreds of times a thirtysomething woman has cast her eyes to the floor, bent her head slightly and said sheepishly, “I was so awful to men in my twenties.”

Yeah, no kidding.  I dated you in your twenties, and girl were you a handful.  You showed up late, cancelled at the last minute, or didn’t show up at all.  You got too clingy, too distant, too demanding, too giving, all in the space of a day.  You demanded commitment but (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 5 October 2010

Male-Female Dating Dynamics: The Graph

Found this gem on the web, supposedly by a Bain & Co consultant with time on his hands.  Insightful, hilarious, and a brilliant summary of every article I’ve ever written.  Particularly funny is the location of the null set:

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 8 September 2010

Why long-distance relationships suck

Aw man, I can feel a rant coming on.  Here’s one comment/letter from a reader:

Speaking of long distance! We met on FB after many years apart, and live in different states. What about if there is loving romantic communication, and you respond in kind, in addition to calls… However, when it comes to positive communication, we do not talk often enough (for me) so the postive gaps get filled in some times w/email and text and (dare I say) messages on FB (but not on the wall). We also have had a lot of fun s/exting…as our physical relationship is also long distance, and there can be an emotional component to turning each other on via text also. Bottom line, I wish it was more intimate, more calls, more often…I just told him this, and he has been more attentive since the conversation. — Deb from a Distance

And here’s another comment from my college blog Enter to Grow in Wisdom on a post about long distance relationships being a bad idea:

First of all, not everybody who’s in a long-distance relationship through college breaks up. Just because you haven’t personally seen anybody make it doesn’t mean nobody does. That’s a pretty irrational attitude to take: “I haven’t seen this happen; therefore it CANNOT happen.” I’ve met and heard of plenty of people who’ve gotten married after long-distance relationships… — Miriam from Chicago

Sometimes I feel like the climate scientist who’s trying to tell the world about the ravages of global warming and someone gets up and says, “But it was cold in Milwaukee today, so there can’t possibly be global warming.”

So let me put this as clearly as possible, once and for all:

A long-distance relationship is no relationship at all.

I can hear the howls of protest already.  How can you say that, (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 5 October 2010

Is it ever okay to tangle with a married guy?

Letter:

Dear Alex,
It seems people write in to you often with their various romantic conundrums, so I thought I’d give it a go.

In short: a guy I dated back about 20 years ago in college got back in touch with me. He has been married since his early 20s – met the woman almost right after we had dated – and basically things are not completely happy in marital land, particularly when it comes to the physical relationship.

When he got in touch I was wondering, OK, the guy is married, what does he want… It turns out they have agreed to have an open relationship meaning both are free to pursue romantic liaisons with others. They do have two almost grown children and have been through their ups and downs. But it was clear he was committed to staying with her. I happen to be 40, single and seeking a committed, loving relationship and maybe the possibility of a family. So…

We did end up meeting once for coffee, and then decided to have a visit. It turned out to be very emotionally and physically intense. We got along very well and were extremely attracted to one another. Now, I am left wondering, why did I do this… In fact I have fallen a bit in love with the guy, given the fact he is just about all that I want in a partner – smart, intellectual, kind, sexy, warm, down to earth, worldly, sensual — except for the married part.

My feeling is that you probably would unequivocally steer good, kind, smart, sexy women away from this scenario. After all, what I want is the partnership, someone to give me their total attention and commitment. And here I am in love with a married guy who seems to be trying out seeing other people. A clue is the fact that he has expressed the fact this is probably “not healthy for either of us” to do on a regular basis. Which indicates to me either it was also emotionally intense for him (I know it was good in other ways), and he is not ready to jeopardize his marriage.

For myself, I am wondering why a guy would stay married to a woman who is clearly not meeting his needs. I mean, the fellow seemed starved for contact and a real erotic connection. So I am left feeling puzzled, a bit hurt, and a bit angry at myself for getting myself into this sticky wicket in the first place.
So I am curious to know what your take is on this.

With thanks,
Dubious Desiree

First of all, Desiree, just want to say how much I appreciate your writing a letter devoid of spelling and grammatical mistakes.  I’d fax you a piece of Godiva if the technology existed.

Second, I’d like to commend you on predicting my response.  Your guess that I would “unequivocally steer good, kind, smart, sexy women away from this scenario” is right on.

Imagine this: you’re on the market to buy a house.  In the meantime, you’ve stumbled upon a really nice place that you just love, love, love.  Except that the owner has made it very clear that it’s for rent only. But you think, “Hey, I really like this place.  Why don’t I just move in and see what happens.”

What happens is that you really do like this place.  And after a few months, you ask the owner if he’s willing (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 5 October 2010

The five masculating gifts (or how to keep him around forever)

In yesterday’s post, we talked about Beth’s letter.  She was on the brink of separation, and wanted to know how to avoid emasculating behaviors around her husband.  We talked about mothering, jealousy, criticism, competition and correcting.

Today, we’re going to talk about how to reverse the process and start doing things that make him want to stick around forever (assuming forever is what you’re shooting for, which sounds like an awful long time if you ask me, but I digress).

It turns out that it’s actually pretty simple: you just reverse the aforementioned emasculating behaviors, turning them into masculating behaviors.  But just ’cause it’s simple doesn’t mean it’s easy, so roll those sleeves up, sister — there’s some work to do.

I call these gifts, because that’s what it feels we’re receiving when a woman does this kind of thing for us — yeah, it’s that awesome.  And when you give these gifts, a man feels as if you love him just as he is, not as the version you were hoping to mold him into.  And that is priceless and rare:

1) Give him his freedom. Freedom is a man’s most treasured possession.  The more of it you give him, the more he will respect you and, paradoxically, the more he will want to run back to you.  Even if you’re crazy about a guy, resist the temptation to spend every waking moment with him.  As one wise person said it, give him the gift of missing you.  He’ll just want to spend time with you that much more.

2) Give him your trust. The more you have faith in a man and allow him to take charge, the more he grows in the masculine.  And if you’re the one making him feel ten feet tall, he’ll just seek out your company that much more.

3) Give him your word. Heard of the expression “behind every great man is a great woman”? This is your chance to be that woman.  When you consistently do as you say you will, a man will have deeper and deeper trust in you.  This will make him feel as if he has a partner who really has his back.  As a result, he will be bolder, bigger and stronger in everything that he does and has you to thank for it.

4) Give him your praise. It may not seem so, but we guys are actually kind of fragile inside.  And a lot of scientists are convinced that everything we do is to impress women, from building large monuments to launching wars.  In fact, evolutionary psychologist Geoffrey Miller makes a convincing case that we evolved such outsize brains mostly to enable skills that would impress mates.

So give the poor fellow some acknowledgment to make him feel as if all the paintings he painted, the buildings he built, the poetry he scribbled and wealth he accumulated have been worthwhile.  Praise him for the little things, for the attention he gives you, for his small victories.  You will allow him to grow into the kind of man who is capable of even bigger victories – and of creating more monuments to you.

5) Give him your grace. Every boy slips every once in a while or does something naughty.  We know you’re smart, so we know that you know when we slip.  As long as the slipping is not a regular occurrence (see the section on Bad Boys), this is your opportunity to open your heart and offer the man redemption.  A man will be eternally grateful for your giving him a second chance – and grow into a much bigger man as a result of your demonstration of faith.

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 12 August 2010

Five emasculating behaviors to avoid

Got this interesting letter recently:

Dr. Alex,

I am in the midst of a separation initiated by my husband.  I don’t want a divorce.  He says the main reason we cannot live together is because of what he calls my “emasculating behaviors”.  He claims I may not even be aware of when I am doing “it”, but when I ask him to specifically explain what these behaviors are, he can’t.  So I came across you website and thought I’d ask you, what are typical emasculating behaviors so I might be able to explore and identify if I do them?  Thanks for your time,

Beth

Well, funny you should mention that, Beth.  Because I just so happen to have a whole section devoted to emasculating behaviors in The Tao of Dating for Women (straight out of Ch 11, Romance, or what to do on a date, pp 230-231).   Although my expertise is not in already-established relationships but rather in the process leading to one, it’s safe to assume that these principles hold no matter which phase of courtship you find yourself in.

First, I just want all of you to know that you’re not an awful person if you’re doing these things.  Chances are that you’re doing them unconsciously, meaning that you’re simply not aware of them, as Beth mentioned.  So no need to beat yourself up for having done stuff like that up to know.  Guilt, shame and blame are three of the biggest wastes of energy you can indulge in.

That said, now that I’m telling you what these behaviors are, you have one less excuse for keeping them in your repertoire.  If you want your man to stay with you, chances are you care for him.  And if you care for him, why would you want to make him miserable?  You don’t.  So quit doing these things.  And listen to him when he says you’re doing them, because he’s the only person qualified to tell you how he feels.

As a general rubric, the highest value of the divine masculine is (more…)

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Written by Ali Binazir MD MPhil on 12 August 2010