Category: Dating for Women

  • Dating: Why dinner dates suck as a first date

    Earlier this week I was having a conversation with a friend about how dinner dates are probably one of the worst ways of getting to know someone.  It’s basic stuff, but well worth repeating, because, well, people seem to keep on having these dinner dates. Much of what I write here concerns the loftier aspects of the self and deep connection and all that good stuff.  At the same time, remember that this real-world stuff about where the pogo stick hits the asphalt matters, too.

    So let me make it clear: if a couple got together after a first date that involved dinner, it happened in spite of the date, not because of it.  You heard it here first.  Here are some reasons why.

    1) The seating arrangement promotes discomfort.

    Think about it: at what other time in your life are you face-to-face with a stranger (more…)

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  • Marianne Williamson on Divine Partnership

    Last weekend I had the pleasure of attending a talk by Marianne Williamson on ‘Divine Partnership’ here in Los Angeles. In it, she elaborated on many useful ideas from A Course in Miracles applicable to dating and relationships.

    For those of you who are not familiar with her work yet, she possesses one of the most lucid voices in contemporary spirituality.  Her 1992 book A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles” is a modern spiritual classic.  There’s a famous quote of hers — often misattributed to Nelson Mandela who read it at his inauguration — that starts, “Our greatest fear isn’t that we are inadequate.  Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness, that (more…)

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  • Dating for Women: Fulfillment, commitment, exclusivity and societal norms

    This is a reader’s response to the article “How to decipher what men really mean: principles for handling casual relationships.” If you haven’t read it yet, no big deal, but it’s available via the newsletter, which you can subscribe to in the left-hand box over there  <–

    Dear Dr. Benzer,

    Some helpful and thought-provoking points below. I’m very impressed. I’ve written a few questions in response. Sorta rhetorical but if you have any thoughts, I’d be very interested to hear them….
    You say “Now it’s possible that your long-term fulfillment is in having a committed relationship with a man that’s heading towards marriage.”

    If fulfillment is a feeling, not an idea, then how do know an idea will really fulfill you – if you’ve never felt it?

    Let’s say that filet mignon is marriage, or a committed relationship. How do you know that filet mignon is right for you? You can deduce that you might enjoy it, based on the precedent set by your species in the form of millions of happily married or committed couples eating filet mignon, but until you’ve finally chomped down into that first supposedly succulent bite, how can you know if if that’s what you should be aiming for? I *think* I am very happy eating my Independence-flavored ice cream. BUT it’s hard to fully enjoy it when society tells me I should be trying to get myself some filet mignon.

    You also say “But if you *are* cool with dating around and having fun, then go ahead and be cool with it.”

    Dating around – traditionally, women aren’t supposed to date/sleep around just for fun. Society tells me, my religion has told me, health reasons tell me, and therefore I tell myself, that I will be a lesser woman if I do this. If you’re going to be marched through the fiery gates of hell for something, best to avoid it. If you’re going to die a miserably death from an STD, best avoid it. If you’re going to be talked about in hushed, sympathetic voices by your friends for being single the rest of your life, best avoid it.

    How do I get to a point where I’m ‘cool’ with just dating (does this mean ‘sleeping’ ?) around, when my sources tell me I should want otherwise? I recently ruined a relationship and scared the guy away by trying to force commitment before we were ready for it – I knew we weren’t ready for it, but I asked for exclusivity because that’s what I felt I should do (or…maybe it’s really what I wanted but I don’t want to admit that to myself). In reality, it shouldn’t have mattered – we were both quite enjoying the ice cream…and I ruined the flavor with talk of filet mignon.
    – Suzie E. from D.C.

    Well, Suzie. Thanks for writing in. Your letter brings up a lot of questions, and I’ll see if I can address each one individually.

    You say “Now it’s possible that your long-term fulfillment is in having a committed relationship with a man that’s heading towards marriage.”
    If fulfillment is a feeling, not an idea, then how do know an idea will really fulfill you – if you’ve never felt it?

    Suzie, that’s very well put, and exactly the point. The only guide for fulfillment is how you feel. Things like companionship, warmth, love, someone to cuddle with, someone to share brunch with — these evoke fulfillment-related feelings. They’re a little different for each person. As the passage said, it’s possible that a long-term committed relationship is fulfilling for you. It’s also possible that it’s not. Find out what works for you. (more…)

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  • Dating: How to Make Valentine’s Day a WIN for You

    I don’t think there’s any holiday on the American calendar quite so disdained and reviled as Valentine’s Day.

    I mean, how many times have you heard of an ‘anti-Christmas party’?  “Down with this fat guy who never brings me stuff I want!  It’s all commercialized kitsch, nobody knows when the dude was born, and it’s supposed to be a pagan solstice celebration with much drunken nakedness anyway!” (Hmm — come to think of it, maybe I will throw an anti-Christmas party next year.)

    And you sure don’t have Ingratitude dinners with quirky relatives, or Forgetfulness Day (“I know I’m supposed to celebrate something…”).

    And yet anti-Valentine’s Day parties and anti-V sentiments abound.  As well they should: this Hallmark holiday puts everyone in a no-win bind.  If you’re already attached, now there’s some kind of imperative to “do something nice” with or for your honey.  Many a nascent relationship was blown to smithereens because someone did or didn’t do something for V-day.  Imagine if you just met someone last week — NOW what do you do?

    And if you’re not attached — congratulations, you’re now officially a chump on The Day of Loooove since you got no one to hang with.

    Or are you? (more…)

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  • What do women want: the enigma of female sexuality

    This has got to be one of the most insightful articles on female sexuality I’ve ever read.  It discusses some new scientific findings about female arousal with profound implications — and some very controversial interpretations.

    Every man should read this to understand better the inner workings of the female psyche; every woman should read this to better understand herself.  Two of the thought-provoking findings: women are aroused by a much broader array of stimuli than men are.  And although men’s subjective reports of arousal pretty much match their objective physiological arousal, the women’s subjective reports had massive disjunction from the objective arousal, almost as if it were two different people reporting.

    I encourage you to read the whole article.  In the meantime, here are two passages which I found particularly thought-provoking:

    “Meana spoke about two elements that contribute to her thinking: first, a great deal of data showing that, as measured by the frequency of fantasy, masturbation and sexual activity, women have a lower sex drive than men, and second, research suggesting that within long-term relationships, women are more likely than men to lose interest in sex. Meana posits that it takes a greater jolt, a more significant stimulus, to switch on a woman’s libido than a man’s. “If I don’t love cake as much as you,” she told me, “my cake better be kick-butt to get me excited to eat it.” And within a committed relationship, the crucial stimulus of being desired decreases considerably, not only because the woman’s partner loses a degree of interest but also, more important, because the woman feels that her partner is trapped, that a choice — the choosing of her — is no longer being carried out.”

    That’s big.  To me, it says that one of the reasons that marriage dampens sexual interest is the lock-down.  Where there’s no choice, there’s no mystery.  So the desire for commitment actually works at cross purposes (more…)

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  • Dating for Women: 7 Things You Should Never Do on a Date

    Hello there.  Dr Alex here, your friendly neighborhood provider of insight into the single male’s mind.

    I attended a pretty interesting relationship workshop this weekend where people shared their experiences very frankly. About 1/3 of the people were couples, and the rest were singles.

    Several of the single women stood up and asked questions, and, the seminar leader being a direct kind of guy, he asked questions back. Now these were really lovely women — attractive, stylish, well-educated. Probably a lot like you. Which raises the question:

    Why were they still single — even when they were clearly looking for a relationship?

    Sometimes it was glaringly obvious why a given woman was single (e.g. way too picky). Other times, not so clear. But one thing was for sure: each woman was doing something that was keeping her single. (more…)

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    Categories: Dating for Women

  • The Odysseus Protocol, or how to bypass willpower to get more out of life (in dating & beyond)

    I’ve briefly touched upon the Odysseus protocol in the past.

    The name comes from Homer’s Odyssey.  Odysseus and his ship are about to pass through the Siren-infested waters.  On the one hand, he knows that hearing their song will spell his doom.  On the other hand, he’s dying of curiosity and is tired of hearing about their song and just wants to hear their song, dammit, and be the only mortal to live to tell.  What’s the big fuss about anyway?

    Now Odysseus is one crafty dude, so he tells all of his sailors to plug their ears with wax so they can’t be tempted by the Sirens’ song.  He keeps his own ears unplugged, but tells his mates to lash him to the mast and ignore everything he says.  That way, he gets to eat his cake and have it too: he hears the Sirens, but doesn’t die.

    The essence of the Odysseus protocol is arranging your physical environment to achieve the outcome you want.  In this case, Odysseus’ outcome was “hear the Siren’s song but don’t croak.”  So he made sure his crew wouldn’t be tempted by plugging their ears, and he made sure he didn’t do anything silly by (more…)

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  • On Smart Dating: The Women’s Responses to Holly’s Story

    Wow! I had no idea that there would be such an outpouring of support for Holly from all of the women out there.

    Just to bring you up to speed if you’re not one of the subscribers to the women’s newsletter: Holly is my Harvard classmate who was recently divorced and now dating a new guy. Although he was living with her and she was supporting him financially, he wasn’t very nice to her.

    It seems like Holly is indeed not alone. And it’s a great reminder of why I wrote The Tao of Dating in the first place.

    In spite of all the self-doubt that I had while writing the book, I thought, “Hey. If this book can help even *one* fantastic woman snap out of her sleep and reclaim her power, then the whole exercise will have been worthwhile.” (more…)

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    Categories: Dating for Women

  • Beyond dating (for men and women): 8 Ways to Feel Great Now

    Looks like we’re living in interesting times.

    The financial markets are in a tizzy, people are losing jobs and homes, and there’s a pivotal election coming up on top of all that.

    Hey, just yesterday, even I got hit by a couple of nasty surprises, and lord knows I was pretty bummed out for a little while.

    I also know that what happened to me was pretty small in comparison to the hardships that some people out there have been experiencing.

    Some of you may have lost your home or entire community to natural disaster. Some of you may have had years of savings (seemingly) lost in a blink of an eye. Some of you may have lost a job while having a family to support.

    If that sounds like you, then read on. Because I have some encouraging words for you.

    Now I’m the furthest thing from a financial expert, so I’m not going to give you any pointers in that arena.

    What I can tell you is how to use your mind in a way such that you are happier, healthier and more effective as a human being. Because that’s the foundation from which everything else can work. (more…)

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  • The Anti-Love Drug?

    I’ve always said getting married because you’re in love is like buying a car because you’re drunk — making a major life decision when you’re in a state of severely compromised judgment.  The following New York Times article talks about that and brings up some other interesting facts.

    In the new issue of Nature, the neuroscientist Larry Young offers a grand unified theory of love. After analyzing the brain chemistry of mammalian pair bonding — and, not incidentally, explaining humans’ peculiar erotic fascination with breasts — Dr. Young predicts that it won’t be long before an unscrupulous suitor could sneak a pharmaceutical love potion into your drink.

    That’s the bad news. The not-so-bad news is that you may enjoy this potion if you took it knowingly with the right person. But the really good news, as I see it, is that we might reverse-engineer an anti-love potion, a vaccine preventing you from making an infatuated ass of yourself. Although this love vaccine isn’t mentioned in Dr. Young’s essay, when I raised the prospect he agreed it could also be in the offing.

    Read the full story on NYTimes.com

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  • Ask Dr Ali for Women: Picking the Wrong Men for Dating

    Today’s email comes from Susan who tends to have trouble picking men who are “right” for her.

    Hi there,
    Would your book be helpful for a woman to read? I seem to attract relationships with wifebeaters, dopeheads and binge drinkers!!!
    They all seem so charming and normal to start with. Is it just me?
    Regards,
    Susan

    (more…)

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    Categories: Dating for Women