Modern Science and Ancient Wisdom for Living the Good Life

  • Join my editorial board

    I just finished editing my newest book, Best Dating Advice I Ever Got 2, which is a compilation of the top articles from this here blog. Now I need some new, expert eyes — namely, YOURS — to take a look at it and tell me how to make it better.

    What’s in it for you:

    • You get to read the book for free before anyone else sees it.
    • You get to influence what the whole world will see once it’s released.
    • You will be cited in the acknowledgments section of the book as a contributor (but only if you want to).
    • You will get an unrestricted copy of the finalized ebook that you can share with friends and show off with your name in it.
    • You will get my undying gratitude.

    If you are in, send an email with subject line “I want to be an editor!” to edits(at)taoofdating.com. Go get ’em!

  • Write and self-publish your book in 30 days: a guide for super-busy people

    Lately, I’ve been talking to many of my friends about getting their books published. Not that they have big, fat manuscripts lying around just waiting to be published. No, no — most of these people aren’t even thinking about writing a book. I’m the one who says they have a book in them that’s itching to come out. They were just minding their business, perfectly happy with their non-authorial existence, until I waltzed along and persuaded them that their lives were empty and meaningless without getting their noble thoughts down in book form for posterity to enjoy.

    I’m exaggerating here, but only a little: I do believe that most people have a book in them. I’ve self-published all of my books so far: The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely IrresistibleThe Tao of Dating: The Thinking Man’s Enlightened Guide to Success With Women, and Best Dating Advice I Ever Got: 3000 Women Pick Their Favorite Love Tips.* And as an independent author and publisher, it’s my goal to help as many people fulfill their authorial ambitions as possible. Because it has never been easier in the history of mankind to write a book, publish it, and make it available to millions of potential readers — and to even make a buck doing it all.

    In this article, I’ll endeavor to tell you about the steps you need to take to write a book and publish it, fast, even ifyou believe you have (more…)

  • Mailbag: On jealousy, possessiveness, and how not to be needy

    Looks like it’s been a while since I put up some letters on the blog. There have been some good ones recently, so let’s dive right in:

    Hello Dr. Ali! I love your book!

    I’m writing you today with a question about love. I’ve had a male best friend for the past 4 years. We do everything together. I know he loves and adores me, but he won’t be my boyfriend because I slept with one of his high school buddies a long time ago. Almost 10 years before meeting my best friend.This old high school buddy lives on the other side of the country now, and we both haven’t talked to him in 3 years. My best friend still won’t (more…)

  • Interview with Dr Dean Ornish: 4 unconventional tips for staying healthy through the holidays and beyond

    Not only is Dr Dean Ornish one of the pioneers of preventive medicine and wellness, but he’s also one of my personal heroes. His most recent book is entitled The Spectrum: A Scientifically Proven Program to Feel Better, Live Longer, Lose Weight and Gain Health. This week I had the pleasure of sitting down with him at his waterfront office at the Preventive Medicine Research Institute in Sausalito, California, amidst all of his books, diplomas and pictures with Presidents. Dr Ornish shared with me four unconventional yet potent wellness tips for keeping happy and healthy during the holidays and far beyond.

    1. Connect.

    “The holidays are about connection. The book I wrote before The Spectrum was called Love and Survival: 8 Pathways to Intimacy and Health. People who are lonely and isolated are 3 to 10 times more likely to die prematurely than people who are in a community.

    One of the reasons why people get depressed during the holidays is because (more…)

  • Interview with Andrea Syrtash: 10 Tips for Healthy Relationships

    CoachRecently, I had the chance to sit down with my friend and colleague Andrea Syrtash. She’s written several books on dating and relationships, including He’s Just Not Your Type (and That’s a Good Thing): How to Find Love Where You Least Expect It, which readers give a solid 4.5/5.0 stars on Amazon, and Cheat on Your Husband (With Your Husband). She’s appeared in lots of prominent media outlets, including hosting ON Dating on NBC Digital and her own show on the Oprah Winfrey Network Canada. That’s not just why you should listen to her, however. You should listen to her because what she says makes a lot of sense and, with slightly different wording, echoes all the stuff I’ve been saying for years. And if a definition of ‘brilliant’ is ‘someone who thinks just like me’, then by golly the girl’s brilliant. Also, she’s Canadian, and Canadians rock.

    More seriously, she does have some great tips on how to get and maintain a great relationship from the perspective of a married female, which is different from single dude. And since I usually talk about the dating and courtship part, what she has to say in the realm of relationships is eminently complementary to my teachings. In this audio recording of our interview, Andrea shares her top 10 tips for having a happier, healthier love life. Click on the link below to listen to this audio (40min, 18.2 Mb) or stick it on your MP3 player. Summary of the 10 tips is below:

    AndreaSyrtash_10LoveLifeTips_DrAliBinazir (more…)

  • Six Free, Honest and Natural Things That Make Women Irresistibly Sexy

    There are two kinds of things that make a woman sexier in this world: the stuff that costs money, and the stuff that doesn’t. The former work by altering your physical appearance so you seem sexier and more attractive, even though the redness of your lips, the rosiness of your cheeks and the size of your eyes hasn’t fundamentally changed. In a sense, these physical enhancements are dishonest, since they’re a misrepresentation of what’s underlying.

    The second category of things that make you sexier are free, natural and honest, and work with what your mama gave you. Because I’m here to tell you that what your mama gave you is (more…)

  • ‘God’s Hotel’ by Victoria Sweet: A profoundly human book

    A book that can delight you through its entertainments or instruct you with useful knowledge is a good book; one that does both is a great book. Rarely, a book comes along that not only instructs and delights but also deepens your humanity, carving out extra space inside us to carry even more compassion. God’s Hotel by Victoria Sweet is such a book. [A hat-tip to Jesse Kornbluth of Head Butler for introducing me to it.]

    There were many reasons I enjoyed this book, which is really many books at once:

    1) The author, Dr Victoria Sweet, who has a PhD in medieval history as well as an MD, shares the ancient Latin and Greek etymologies of many terms used in patient care today. Hospitality, community, charity – what do they really mean? Through her stories about her time taking care of patients, Dr Sweet shows how those formed the three foundational principles of Laguna Honda Hospital.

    Hospital comes from hospitality, the root of which is hospes, which means both ‘guest’ or ‘host’. This is how Sweet explains this:

    The essence of hospitality — hospes — is that guest and host are identical, if not in this moment, then at some moment. Whatever our current role, it was temporary. With time and the seasons, a host goes traveling and becomes a guest; a guest returns home and becomes a host. That is what the word hospitality encodes. And in a hospital, the meaning of that interchangeability is even more profound, because in the hospital, every host will for sure become a guest; every doctor, a patient.

    Community has two derivations: one from Latin munio meaning wall, so it means “to build a wall around”. It also comes from munis, gift, so it also means “those who share a gift in common”:

    That was true of the hospital’s community, too, though it was not as obvious as the wall. At the Teals’ wedding, when I saw almost all of Laguna Honda pouring into that church, sitting rapt during their vows, and, yes, even crying, I understood that it wasn’t only me who was interested in the Teals, who made time, who was touched by them. Almost everyone was there; the wedding was a gift we shared in common, and that sharing made us a community.

    As for charity:

    Charity came into the West when Saint Jerome translated the Greek word agape by the Latin caritas, which became the English charity. Today agape is usually translated as love, but agape was more nuanced; in ancient Greek it meant “to treat with affectionate regard.” Caritas, charity, is closer because the root of caritas is cara — “dear” — as in expensive and cherished. So caritas has the sense of “dearness” — of a love that is precious and sweet.

    2) Dr Sweet interweaves the account of her doctoral research on Hildegard von Bingen and premodern medicine in the story. This is delighteful stuff, because it’s not taught in medical schools at all, even though it was the basis of Western medicine for two thousand years.

    Von Bingen was the original 11th century superwoman: head cleric, builder, farmer, physician, author and composer at a time when women weren’t allowed much power at all. Hildegard believed in viriditas — the greenness of living things and their ability to grow. Get the blocks out of the way, and a patient’s own viriditas would take over and he’d heal. Dr Sweet applies some of the premodern principles from von Bingen’s healing framework to her patients, most memorably one with the worst bedsore she had ever seen that went all the way to the patient’s spine. The results are well-nigh miraculous.

    3) Dr Sweet describes in great detail and without spite the encroachment of modern medicine with its “efficiencies” into the cozy, personable and strangely effective ways of Laguna Honda, even though there is much to provoke the reader’s dismay. The personal, health and financial consequences of cost-cutting, both on patients and staff, turn out to be much higher than the dollars that those measures purport to save. It’s a cautionary tale about what medicine can be vs. what it has become, and should be required reading for every medical student.

    4) And most of all, the stories of the patients. Laguna Honda being a hospital for the care of the indigent – the last almshouse in the US – its patients are people that the good life left behind. The poor, the mentally ill, the unlucky, those with nowhere else to go: these are the patients that Laguna Honda treats equally and without prejudice. Sometimes the patient goes to the brink of death, the ‘anima’ already halfway in ascent, and turns back. Other times, the patients make miraculous recoveries only to succumb to alcohol or neglect once discharged. These case histories are at once invigorating, enlightening, infuriating and heartbreaking. They are the human heart of the book.

    This may also be a book the likes of which will never get written again. Why? Because nobody has the luxury of observing a patient over weeks, months and years as that patient’s debilitating bedsore, cirrhosis or dementia heals millimeter by millimeter. There are few structures in the US that support that kind of patient care. This is a book about slow medicine, which is rapidly going out of fashion these days.

    One of the side effects of reading any book is to become partially imbued with the spirit of its author. Reading God’s Hotel, you get a sense that Dr Victoria Sweet is a deeply thoughtful and compassionate person, and one of the very best kind of caregivers one could hope to have. As a result, this book will not only delight and instruct you, but is also likely to leave you a better human being.

  • For a great time, keep these two body parts open

    Recently I came back from a stay in Europe, where several of my friends were generous enough to host me. As an extra perk of these visits, I got to know these friends a lot better.

    After hearing the stories of their romantic woes, I realized that to have a fulfilling love life, there are two body parts that you need to be sure to keep open. No, it’s not the right leg and left leg, although those are important, too. It’s your eyes and your heart.

    What do I mean by keeping your eyes open? It means that you exercise discernment. You’re looking closely to see if this person would make a good match for you. Is she sweet? Is he gainfully employed? Educated? Good family? Mentally stable? In good health? If you’re interested in a long-term match, these factors really matter when selecting a partner.

    At the same time, you want to keep your (more…)

  • The Compassionate Brain by Dr Rick Hanson and some superstars of neuroscience

    I have some excellent news for you. There is this free online seminar series that you should take advantage of. It’s called:

    Rick Hanson’s The Compassionate Brain – Free Video Seminar Series

    I’m really excited about this one, and every one of you should sign up for it. Why? Because it’s being put on by renowned psychologist and author Dr Rick Hanson, author of Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love and Wisdom and Just One Thing: Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time. And he has assembled an all-star cast of speakers on the topic of ‘The Compassionate Brain’. If you don’t know who all of them are yet, that’s okay – I don’t either. But the few that I do know are teachers so wise and so inspiring that just an hour with them can change the course of your whole life: (more…)