“I just read ‘Orchid Ice Cream’ and have a question. How do you balance the ‘I love sex but I am not a slut’ with a man’s need to be the pursuer and feel like he has won a prize? We all know if it is too easy, he loses interest. And yet, for those of us who love sex as much as any guy, saying “no” can feel like just so much game playing. So how to balance all this, especially if we are reasonably sure he is still having sex with other women as well?” – Dr Judi Bloom
That, Dr Judi, is a fantastic question, because it’s about that ever-elusive ideal: balance. And if the Tao is about anything at all, it is balance: between light and dark, masculine and feminine, high and low, excess and lack, privation and indulgence.
In the Tao of Dating for Women, I offer a simple rule: you should only have sex with a man for the first time when you really want to. The corollary to that is that you shouldn’t not have sex when you really want to have it, either. How to balance the two?
Let’s introduce you to an idea which I’ll call (more…)
Let it be known: I am not a big fan of online dating. Yes, at least one of my best friends found her fabulous fiancé online. And if you live in a small town, or fit a specific demographic (e.g. woman over 45, ultra-busy businessperson, sugar daddy, sneaking around your spouse), online dating may expand opportunities for you. But for the rest of us, we’re much better off meeting real live humans eye-to-eye the way nature intended. Here are six reasons why:
1. It’s easy to be fooled by inaccurate signals online.
Do you think you’re beautiful?
What most people call ‘beauty’ is actually evolution’s very thorough system of broadcasting our suitability as mates. Clear skin, good posture, broad shoulders, sonorous voice, bright eyes, shiny hair, graceful movements, pleasant aroma, facial symmetry, articulate speech: evolution has engineered features such as these into us to signal (more…)
A few days ago, Ashley Judd responded to some ungracious comments in the media about her “puffy face”. Her article is so eloquent, reasoned and right on that every woman and man should read it. Here’s how it starts:
“The Conversation about women’s bodies exists largely outside of us, while it is also directed at (and marketed to) us, and used to define and control us. The Conversation about women happens everywhere, publicly and privately. We are described and detailed, our faces and bodies analyzed and picked apart, our worth ascertained and ascribed based on the reduction of personhood to simple physical objectification. Our voices, our personhood, our potential, and our accomplishments are regularly minimized and muted… ” Continue reading here
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls: I have a special treat for you. My friend and colleague Olivia Fox Cabane, speaker and trainer to corporations (eg Google), universities (eg MIT and Harvard) and governments worldwide, is coming out on March 28 with her long-awaited new book, The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism. It’s a manual on how to be even more charismatic (since all of you are already such charming devils, obviously).
As a personal favor, I have wrangled her into giving us an interview on the key principles in her book. I’ll be doing the interview this Monday, 26 March 2012. Here’s the information:
Date: Monday, 26 March 2012, 6pm PDT/9pm EDT/2am London/6am Dubai/12 noon Sydney
Call-in number: +1 218 862 1300
Access code: 667202
Duration: 40min interview, 15min Q&A
Why do you want to attend this call live? Because I’ve seen Olivia speak many times, and I can attest firsthand to the power of her teachings. Charisma can be learned, and quickly — and there aren’t a lot of people better at teaching it than Olivia. Now that she’s not jetting off to train some South American head of state and we have her all to ourselves, you definitely want to be on the call live so you can ask her your burning questions about how to present yourself even more effectively. Ideally, you would read the book beforehand so you can ask the deep questions that usually only the El Presidentes paying her megabucks get to ask.
Some of what we’ll be covering:
Is charisma innate, learned or a little bit of both?
The three components of charisma and how to dial each one up or down to be like Colin Powell, Bill Gates or the Dalai Lama
Which type of charisma to use for a given situation
Three ways to increase your charisma pretty much instantly
Side effects and dangers (?) of charisma
Here’s a little sampler from one of her talks on a related topic:
There’s no charge for any of this, so feel free to spread the word and tell your friends about it — they’ll thank you for it.
See you there and then
Dr Ali B
PS: It is now the day after the interview, which means it already happened – and now we have a recording. I was unexpectedly on the road away from my studio equipment, so the quality of my voice is so-so. But Olivia comes through great, and that’s who you wanted to listen to anyway, so here ya go:
It has come to my attention that many women, even those who are big fans of the penis, don’t know much about it. Well into their thirties and beyond, they are unfamiliar with its workings, temperaments, likes and dislikes. Not you, of course. But a significant number nonetheless.
This is not entirely unexpected. There’s not a whole lot of effective sex education that goes on in most countries. Porn movies are terrible teachers. And people think like they think about driving: everyone imagines themselves to be (more…)
As I understand it, many of you have been married or have considered marriage or come pretty darn close to it.
Now, with the divorce rate above 50%, it seems like marriage in this country has, at best, a coin flip’s chance at success. That’s just not right in my book.
And with the very public blowup of celebrity marriages, sometimes you have to think: what the hell were they thinking when they got married? Surely they should’ve known better. (Read: Katy Perry, Sandra Bullock, the poor sap who married that Kardashian woman, and the procession of simpletons who keep marrying Charlie Sheen).
In fact, a little secret: I wrote the Tao of Dating books because I saw my friends in crappy relationships (married or not), and I thought they deserved better.
Now I’m your guy when it comes to dating. For long-term relationships, on the other hand, I send you to the experts like Dr John Gottman — and Dr Isabelle Fox.
My friend and colleague Isabelle has been a practicing clinical psychologist for over 30 years. She just published a book entitled (more…)
Here’s an interesting letter I got yesterday which applies to both men and women:
Hi Dr. Ali,
I just bought and read your book on my kindle this weekend and as a Persian girl, born in America, was wondering how you think your principles would work with Persian men? I am at a point where I am ready to settle down and it seems like all the Persian men just want to play around. I’m 28 and I see a lot of pretty, educated and single Persian girls over the age of 32. I sit and wonder what they are doing wrong (how are they still single?) and then stress out that I will end up like them.
The principles in your book make so much sense but it just seems like the Persian community has its own dating rules…what’s your take? Forget the Persian men who play around and start dating guys from all backgrounds? Thank you for your book, I look forward to implementing your advice. Looking forward to hearing from you — Mary M.
Well well well. I really hope some of you are out fishing right now, because we’re about to open up a big can of worms here. Let’s talk about dating within your tribe, and whether it’s a good idea or not.
First, let’s think about where these tribes come from. Until the 20th century, most people lived their entire (more…)
Hi Dr. Ali,
I enjoy every article you wrote and read them all. Most of all I read your wonderful book, The Tao of Dating. I wanted to ask for your opinion on my current situation. I am currently dating a man (has 3 kids by same woman who he was not married to and long distance, I know how you feel about long distance.)
He treats me like a queen, he is smart, educated and charming. But the man has emotional baggage! He has been hurt in the past and is afraid to love! Multiple times he had asked me to move in and I am considering it. My question to you is: Is there anything I can do or be that will help him learn to love again? I look forward to your response! Tara
Tara —
Thanks for the kind words and the letter!
Wow. Sounds like a lot of things happening concurrently here. Long distance, 3 kids, emotional baggage. Well, let me ask you this, Tara: (more…)
Thank you for the wisdom you share – beyond giving me insights into relationships, you’ve helped me to be more satisfied with where I am. Now, I’d love to get your advice about a specific situation.
I met a man in college a few years ago. We dated for a summer, but I got the impression (which I’ve since realized was wrong) that he wasn’t interested in a relationship, so I suggested that we just be friends. We did become friends, but we also ended up (more…)
What are some examples of being vulnerable? Thanks Dr Ali! – Kelly
And this one:
This is one of the best blog posts! Great insights & advice!! A follow up question- what does vulnerability look like to a man? Especially if women are working so hard to not appear too needy, emotionally available & scare the guy off from the other end of the spectrum? Thx, HK
And yet another one:
Hi Dr Ali,
Another great article… so wise you are… and witty as usual! I have a question: When you refer to a women being vulnerable, and a man being attractive to that quality best of all, are you referring to a woman, ‘leading with love’ as you stated? In other words, what vulnerable qualities are you talking about that men most like? Just wondering. Thanks – Betty K.
