Dr. Ali "Victor" Binazir, Happiness Engineer

Modern Science and Ancient Wisdom for Living the Good Life

  • Blitz Consults! Office hours this Fri 22 April

    Last week we had so much fun doing blitz 10-min consults during office hours that we’re going to do it again!

    Apparently it was a mega-popular thing, so this time there will be twice as many slots:

    • Time: Fri, 22 April 2011, 1pm-3pm Pacific/4pm-6pm Eastern
    • Number: +1 218 862 1300
    • Sign up here: http://goo.gl/A2HOg
    • Confirm via email with ‘Confirm blitz session [your time]!’ in subject line: drali (at) taoofdating.com

    Enter your name and first initial, and shoot me an email at drali (at) taoofdating.com so I know to expect you. If you do not confirm, I’ll give your spot up to someone else. Then call 2 min before your slot and wait till I unmute you.

    There are twelve 10-minute slots.  There are many thousands of you.  This means there are fewer slots than there are people.  Translation: get a move on if you want to get on.

    You can cover a lot of ground in 10min if you have a well-defined topic in mind.  A 10min consult is like me writing you a 5-page email.  So be prepared so we can get the most out of our time together.

    Some FAQ:

    Q: Will this be recorded?

    A: I didn’t record it the first time, but I will probably record it this time for possible inclusion in my podcast.  If you don’t want to use your real name, don’t.  The people waiting for their slots will be hearing you in any case.  Think of it as a small radio call-in show.

    Q: Can I only ask questions about my love life, or are there other acceptable topics?

    A: Although most of you know me because of the Tao of Dating books, I’m interested in all aspects of self-growth.  In fact, many of you have noticed that the Tao of Dating books are really self-improvement books craftily disguised as dating guides.

    So any question related to self-improvement is cool by me.  If it’s beyond my expertise, I’ll refer you to the appropriate sources.

    Q: What if I flake and don’t show up without taking my name off the list?

    A: The names and emails of all no-shows will be put up on the blog for all to see and wag fingers at.  You will also earn my eternal wrath, which is a terrible thing to behold. We’re adults now — take responsibility.

    Q: Is it possible to arrange a private consultation after the 10-min session if I need one?

    A: Yes.  10min is enough time for me to diagnose your challenge and suggest some remedies.  However, to really dig deep and resolve the problem usually requires more concentrated effort.  Shoot me an email and we can arrange a 30-, 60- or 90-min consult.

    Q: Are you going to have office hours for your European, Asian and Australian readers?

    A: If there’s interest, absolutely!  Send an email with ‘Do office hours for [your country]’, and if I have enough people, I’ll do it.  Koalas are people, too.

  • How often should you call him?: A definitive guide for smart women

    This letter brings up a perennial question that every woman has, so it’s about time we tackled it:

    Dr. Alex,

    I really appreciate your advice and have listened to your CD over and over again. I also followed your Tao of Dating principles, which was beyond enlightening for me, as it turned the tables and made me responsible for doing my own housework and trying to be the goddess and I still think ‘What would a goddess do?’ when I’m in a situation that hurts or annoys me and this goddess-thinking prevents me from acting needy or overly emotional!

    Your advice has helped me tremendously in being able to finally a great guy!! We have great communication, great attraction, share the same values, have fun together, etc. etc. etc. We have been exclusive for four months and just recently went on a fabulous trip. We see each other as much as possible, however with his child and my work schedule, it’s sometimes not as much as we would like. At any rate it is one of the best, if not the best, relationship, I have ever been in, however there is only one thing that bothers me and that I don’t know how to address it. I have been debating even asking you as it seemed trivial at first, however I don’t feel that it is.

    Here it is: It really frustrates me that when I don’t see him, that we barely speak on the phone…It’s just that I would like to talk to him more when I’m not able to see him and when I don’t, I feel disconnected. I think it’s partially my fault, since following your advice, I got out and dated more than one guy at the beginning and did not call the guys but generally waited for them to call (new concept for me and it actually worked, thanks!). Eventually he rose to the top and we started dating exclusively and I continued to let him initiate most of the calls but now I don’t know if he’s gotten ‘settled in’, but when I don’t see him, he doesn’t call that often. It’s not that I never hear from him, there is the occasional text, call etc., but for a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, it’s less calling than I’m used to and although everyone is different with how much they call, I think even a goddess might get a little hurt/annoyed by this behavior lol. And I do call occasionally and it’s always a good conversation so maybe I’m blowing the whole thing out of proportion, but I feel like if he doesn’t call that maybe he’s not thinking about me, or that a boyfriend ‘should’ call more because he wants to, but I know not to get into ‘should’ thinking!!

    [Omitted: big paragraph on how she’s overthinking it because of her relationship history]

    Anyway my burning question is what I should do?? 1) Should I just call him more if I want to talk and not worry about it seeming aggressive or overbearing cuz I am his girlfriend anyway and not one that would call 5 times a day anyway, we’re talking once every couple days or 2) should I should just suck it up and continue to not call him that much, knowing guys need their space and their cave and try not to let past insecurities get in my way but just continue to be the goddess and enjoy what I do have with this great guy or 3) can I just talk to him about this without sounding needy? Maybe it will be like other issues that I was afraid to bring up, but we had a good conversation from so I don’t know why I’m afraid other than I don’t want to do anything ungoddesslike and screw up this good relationship I finally have. Anyway your help would be greatly appreciated :))

    Jill

    Goodness gracious, Jill!  You’re lucky I’m not a lawyer, ’cause then I would have had to charge you $372.83 just for reading this.  Dear readers — kindly keep it under 250 words, willya.  I’ve got YouTube pet videos to surf here.

    Also, you are not allowed to put ‘lol’ in a letter unless you actually laugh out loud at that moment.  Meaning that you’re laughing at your own writing, which seems mighty unlikely.  Even James Thurber didn’t do that.  And no, a mere chuckle doesn’t qualify.  So basically you can’t use ‘lol’, like, ever.  ‘MAM’, perhaps — it stands for ‘musing and mulling’.  As in, “I wonder if I’m overthinking this whole thing (MAM).”  Because you really are musing and mulling.  Or ‘SMHWTMH’ — scratch my head while twirling my hair.  As in, “We had a great first date — why hasn’t he called me yet (SMHWTMH)?  Geez.”

    But no LOL.  That’s reserved for authentic guffaws and funny cat pictures.

    So, the brief answer to your burning question is that you’re overthinking it (surprise!).  I mean, your letter’s twists and turns and decisions and revisions that reverse themselves make a Six Flags roller coaster seem like a stroll down a grocery aisle.  As the Tao Te Ching says, “Stop thinking and solve all your problems.”

    You’re also being kinda insecure.  He’s calling as much as he ever did, so he hasn’t changed.  You have.  Now that you’ve got a great man (by your own reckoning), you’re operating out of (more…)

  • Before you say “I do”: a checklist for women

    I’m happy to report that I’m riled up again.  A good thing, because it makes me do useful things, like finishing books and writing this here article.

    It’s not a good thing because usually what gets me riled up is a good woman stuck in a bad spot.

    Not so long ago, I met such a woman.  She’s smart, healthy, tall, educated and dazzlingly beautiful.  Her poetry attests to a nimble intellect, an expansive soul and an observant eye for the truth.  A rare individual.

    What I did not understand was how she got married to a man who ended up abusing her, cheating on her and blaming his cheating on her (“This is what you deserve”).  She had two children with him and is still going through a rancorous divorce 2 years after separating, and is in a pretty tough spot financially and emotionally.

    How does crap like this happen to good women — smart women who know better?

    Well, it can happen in a lot of ways:

    • You fall in love, put your frontal lobe in a jar and marry a guy you later on find you don’t know all that well.
    • Some dude pursues you so doggedly that you just give up after a while.
    • You’re stuck in a bad living situation and use marriage as an escape route.
    • Your parents treated you poorly so you marry a guy who fits that love template ’cause it feels like home, albeit a shitty one.

    The reasons for women marrying the wrong guy are (more…)

  • Sexual dynamics in the 21st century

    This insightful article popped up on Slate last week.  Worth a read:

    Sex Is Cheap

    Why young men have the upper hand in bed, even when they’re failing in life.

    By Mark Regnerus, Posted Friday, Feb. 25, 2011, at 12:23 PM ET

    We keep hearing that young men are failing to adapt to contemporary life. Their financial prospects are impaired—earnings for 25- to 34-year-old men have fallen by 20 percent since 1971. Their college enrollment numbers trail women’s: Only 43 percent of American undergraduates today are men. Last year, women made up the majority of the work force for the first time. And yet there is one area in which men are very much in charge: premarital heterosexual relationships. Continue here

  • Before you propose: a checklist for men

    Another fine letter from enthusiastic reader Tom S:

    Does the most sage dating Guru of gurus have advice for how my friend might propose marriage? What should he say and do? How will he know when it’s time to propose? What should he wear? It’s only the 10th century BCE here in Arabia and religion hasn’t been invented yet, and there are no scrolls from Gilgamesh addressing this topic. We will be most grateful, even willing to sacrifice a camel or two in your honor.

    Y’know, it’s been a while since I last had a proper camel sacrifice.  It’s a lost art, really.  A little messy, granted, but there’s really nothing quite like broiled Bactrian hump.  And it makes the orphans at the caravansarai so happy.

    What’s this now?  Proposing marriage, eh.  Sounds mighty serious.

    And you know what?  It is serious.  The biggest decision you’ve ever made in your life.  Even bigger than deciding between steak and seafood, corduroys and jeans, Coachella and Bonaroo, Audi and BMW.

    Basically, you’re pledging to tie yourself to another person forever.  And forever is a pretty freakin’ long time.

    Generally speaking, I do my best not to dispense advice too far beyond the courtship phase.  I’m just here to help give you the problem — err, I mean relationship.  Once you have it, you’re better off listening to scientists like John Gottman who really know what happens on that planet.  The Tao of Dating books are 12 chapters about courtship and one about relationship.  Moreover, I’ve never proposed to anyone, so far be it from me to instruct in that domain.

    That said, my job here is to help you make better decisions.  So when it comes to big-ticket decisions like this, you had better make sure you have all the safeguards in place so you don’t do something stupid — like marrying the girl who’s going to (more…)

  • How to stay out of the Friend Zone

    Sometimes you get a letter so damn eloquent that it just requires a substantive response.  This letter’s about the part in the ‘5 Biggest Dating Mistakes of College Men’ post about being exiled to the Friend Zone, aka Justfriendistan:

    Has the most mindful Dr. Ali, in his personal experience with humans of the female persuasion, ever been exiled to Justfriendistan despite intelligent jiu-jitsu reversa-visa framing?

    There was a turbaned woman on the outskirts of Medina with beauty to whip instant sandstorms with a lift of her eyebrow — hazel eyes simmering beneath her veil — and a rich man with many oil wells courted her using the official Dr. Ali (c) reversing-the-framing method. She ignored him. He’s quicksanded in Justfriendistan. Is there no hope? Is there no way out?

    — Tom S.

    Ah yes.  Justfriendistan.  A territory only to be rivaled in inhospitability by the western Sahara, the Atacama desert, and Dante’s Ninth Circle of Hell.  Heck, most guys would rather be on the surface of Mercury getting zapped by cosmic rays than being exiled to Justfriendistan.

    The best way to get out of Justfriendistan is to never get into it in the first place.  It’s a bit facile, I know — “Just don’t get into trouble, stoopid” — but a lot of things in life are like obesity: it’s just really tough to take care of the problem once you’re stuck in it.

    Tough — but not impossible.

    First, let’s talk prevention.  We start with my story. (more…)

  • The Art & Science of Spotting College Bad Boys

    Here’s a letter I got recently from a female Harvard undergrad. Names have been changed to protect the shady:

    Dear Ali,

    I have a question for you regarding a dating situation I had recently.

    Jon had been pursuing me for several months, sending me friendly texts, chatting in our psych class, before I was finally convinced that his intentions were (at least somewhat) honorable. I began spending time with Jon outside of class; we would hang out together at parties on the weekend and sometimes grab lunch during the week. I was aware that Jon was far more available to spend time with me on weekend nights than during the week, but, I figured, we were both busy people.

    After a few months of casually hooking up, I decided that I liked Jon, but I didn’t just want a casual relationship with him. Before things went any further, physically that is, I communicated my concern to Jon. I told him that I didn’t just sleep around. If he did not want a commitment, this could not go any further.  Jon understood, and even told me that I was the kind of girl he “respected.” I was satisfied with this response; maybe I had actually found a good guy.

    Shortly after Jon and I slept together, he stopped calling me.

    I thought I had been so careful. After all that time, how did I still become his one-night stand? I need sage advice — how do I spot a “bad boy” in disguise?

    Sara

    Wow. Tough one, Sara! Sounds like you were pretty circumspect about this one and still got blindsided.

    Before we start, two things: It’s possible for you to do everything right and still get a bad result. It’s called life. The key is to dust yourself off, chalk it up to experience and keep on moving. Do not indulge in self-pity, blame or shame, but do learn from your experience.

    Second: Could you have done things differently? This is where the gold nugget of learning resides. I was just reading about one of the greatest game players of all time. His name is Bill Robertie. You’ve probably never heard of him: he’s a champion chess player, a 2-time world backgammon champion (a record), and a poker expert. Nobody in the world has that level of mastery in those three domains.

    By his own account, the way he got to be world-class in all three disciplines was to learn from his own mistakes. He would study every move he made, and think: “How can I do this better next time?” And he did. And he got that good.

    So the key here is to see what you can and should do differently next time. I don’t have the full account of who Jon is and what transpired between you, so I’ll be talking in terms of principles rather than specifics.

    What we’re going to focus on today is not just how to avoid bad boys, but how to ensure that you (more…)

  • Dating Commandment for Men: Thou shalt not be put on hold

    Imagine this: You call a girl to say hi, and she says she has an extra ticket for a show that night — would you like to join her?  The show isn’t really your style — it involves showtunes, and you’re a heterosexual male — but you offer to meet her afterwards for drinks when the show gets out at 9.30pm.  She says sure — can she call you after the show to tell you how she feels, and if she’s not too tired, you can get together?

    You say “Okay.”

    Big mistake, buddy.  Why?  You just got put on hold.  You weren’t able to make any plans for your evening.  Would seem wrong to do something else while you’ve committed to her, right?  In the meantime, you’re waiting, waiting…

    At 10pm, not having heard from her, you text her to ask what’s up.  You get a text back saying “Show just got out — tired.  Think I’m going home.  Rain check?” And you’re left a-hangin’.

    What exactly went wrong here?

    She suggested that you two get together, so that’s good.  But then she didn’t make firm plans with you, effectively putting you in limbo until she renders her decision.

    People (both women and men) will do this all the time.  Especially in this age of mobile communications, everyone’s waiting for the best possible offer before committing to anything.  Heck, you probably do it, too.

    So the behavior itself is not a problem — it’s ubiquitous as smog in LA and bad hair in hipsters.  Your acceptance of this behavior is a problem.  Why?  Because it puts you in a position of  (more…)

  • 9 Deadly Online Dating Profile Mistakes You Can Avoid Easily

    As you know from reading The Tao of Dating for Women, I’m not a huge fan of online dating — face-to-face is the way to go.  However, on the heels of a friend’s success story — “Omigod, I met my fiance online!  You should totally try it!” — I make an ill-advised annual foray into the e-swamps of eHarmony, take a whiff of the strange brew of Chemistry.com, or do something stupid on OKcupid.  All in the name of education and research for you, of course.  And then, properly chastened, I go back to the low-tech system of meeting real human beings in real time, until enough time elapses that I forget the unpleasantness and give it another whirl.

    What I have learned from my month on this one site is that instead of facilitating the meeting of kindred spirits, how many barriers online dating introduces to humans simply connecting.  So if you must be online, or you’ve already plunked down for a 3-month deal and it’s too late to cancel so let’s just see where this goes, here are some mistakes you can avoid very easily.

    Caveat: I’m writing from the point of view of the guy, so I’m going to be super-blunt here.  In fact, chances are very good you won’t like some of what I have to say.  So even if you think what I say is petty, silly, stupid, prejudiced, remember: this is how lots of guys think.  Even the really good ones. So if you want one of them in your life, (more…)

  • The Five Big Dating Mistakes of College Men

    Dear Dr. Binazir,

    Hello! My name is Kevin and I am a senior in college. I have really enjoyed reading your Tao of Dating emails for the last few months. The advice and philosophy you offer is both constructive and life-affirming. Additionally, I am continually impressed by the respect, humility, and humor with which you communicate. In short, thank you!

    Right now, I’m in the middle of a difficult situation and I trust that you more than anyone I know might be able to help.

    Last spring, I met a girl who has changed my life. I noticed her immediately – she sat in front of me in the Gospel Choir and would frequently look back at me and smile/stare, never saying a word. I knew from her comportment (and the fact that she always brought her biology text to rehearsal) that she was someone with whom I could become close friends, and hopefully more. After weeks, I finally worked up the courage to introduce myself. We became fast friends. Even though we do not share mutual friends (she is a sophomore), we have gone on hikes, runs, and bike rides together. We have a meal together once every other week. This past summer, since she worked in a lab near my house, we had a wonderful picnic on the Charles River.

    I am sure that this sounds very straightforward so far, but there is one major complication – she has a boyfriend. He is my age and goes to another school. They met in high school and started dating when he went to college. He and I have met and hung out together a few times, and while we are not going to become close friends, he’s definitely a decent guy. He is in love with her, but to be honest, she seems surprisingly ambivalent toward him. Even more inexplicably, she has never called him a “boyfriend” and never mentions him to me unless he is present. When she told me that he would be joining us one day over the summer, she called him “my apartmentmate.”

    Over the spring and summer, things were moving on a very fast, positive trajectory. Now, with only six weeks to go before the end of the academic term, things have slowed – but not for any discernible reason. We had an hourlong breakfast two weeks ago and are planning to do a challenging dayhike with a small group next weekend. Her birthday was Tuesday, so I gave her a card. But it just seems like something is ‘off.’

    Her behavior over the last week has been uncharacteristically fickle. One day she was enthusiastic and flirty and the next day she was uncommunicative and tense. In short, she seems conflicted – as if I may be both a source of happiness and confusion. (To think that I may be a cause of anxiety is a terribly frustrating thought!) If time were no object, I would take this as a signal to step back. Moreover, she will be in Spain next term and I will be in Greece for my final term in the spring. Even though we only live an hour apart (Massachusetts to New Hampshire), unless she were to break up with her boyfriend, we will likely not see each other much (if at all) after I graduate. I know that if I do not tell her how I feel soon, I will not have a second chance.

    Basically, I am at a novel impasse. I have never attempted to date a girl who was in a relationship before and she is the only girl I have ever met that I would do anything to spend my life with. What should I do?

    Thank you again for all your insights and in advance for your advice.

    Sincerely, Kevin

    First of all, thank you Kevin for your astute observations on the nature of my work.  Constructive! Life-affirming! With gobs of respect, humility, and humor!  I agree.  Especially the part about humility.

    Tomfoolery aside — aww man.  Could I write a book on this one.

    Oh wait, I did.  It’s called The Tao of Dating for Men.  And I wrote it specifically for the brainy, overthinking, underexperienced dudes who populate the Ivy-type schools that our good man Kevin attends (he’s at Dartmouth).

    This letter touches upon many themes that are relevant to the love lives of college boys, so we’re going to blunt-dissect them one-by-one, because that’s the best way to see all the components of folly that’s going on here — and destroy them in the process :)

    Why does all of this sound familiar to me? Because I was Kevin not too long ago, all through college and medical school. Man what I would give to have those 8 years of my life turn out differently.

    But I digress. Let’s begin with Theme #1:

    1. You must get out of the scarcity mentality

    This is the big no-no when it comes to college romance.  Let me break it down for you: there will be a time in your life when (more…)