Blog - Dr. Ali "Victor" Binazir, Happiness Engineer

How to change the weather

Looks like the ‘What were you thinking, girl?’ post evoked a lot of responses. Here are some that I got from you:

Dr Alex,

I LOVED this article. I have a wide grin on my face right now and just one word for you: GUILTY. I’ve done most of these things and I’m not proud of them. It makes me think back to earlier this year, I was going with a guy in his late twenties (whereas I just turned 20) and I never returned his calls..and he even remarked that he doesn’t usually get treated like this (he was a quality guy in just about every sense of the word). You can guess where that relationship went…. *sighs*

Over time I’ve realized a lot of my dating/relationship misfortunes have been mostly because of self-sabotage! Can you recommend/write an article for how to end it? I know there are tons of materials out there, but an expert’s recommendation is always appreciated. :)

I look forward to your upcoming blogs and newsletters.

All the best,
Jackie

Thanks for the note, Jackie. The original title of the article was ‘How to stop being in your twenties.’ Perhaps it wasn’t too bad a title after all, hmmm…

And there there was this one:

Dear Alex,

You make some excellent points, as usual. I would just like to state for the record that there are men who are just as guilty of this as women might be, and nice women who have to put up / decide not to put up with the same poor form from a lot of guys. Just saying.

But I am sure you knew that already and sent out a similar e-mail to the men who e-mail you?

all best and thanks as usual for your encouraging advice about these things…

Nellie R.=)

Interesting. Grudgingly accepting, but ever-so-subtly attempting to pass the buck. And then there was this one:

Ha ha! It’s the other way around. You need to be telling the guys that they need to get back to US. Please, I am always polite to them, to a fault. Then I’m the one who ends up screwed. They think “getting back” to them seems too needy. Gimme a break.

— Bella

No comment necessary on that one.

So in my position as self-appointed big brother/consigliere to the nation of smart, professional, single women (not the worst spot in the world, must say), sometimes I have to be the bearer of not-so-good news.

After all, a good consigliere would tell you if you had ketchup stains on your suit, if your plaid sweater was clashing with your polka dot pants, or if your eyeliner had smudged and made you look like a very thin version of a panda.

In other words, sometimes I have to break it to you that you’re screwing up. From having written dozens of articles of this nature, by now I have a statistically significant sample of your responses to them. And the most common one basically goes like this:

“Well, sure, okay, I see your point. But what about the guys? They screw up even more.”

Interesting.

To start this discussion, humor me for a moment as we entertain a metaphor. Let’s call all the unexpected things that can happen in the dating arena ‘the weather.’ In that case, my job is to tell you what kind of weather to expect, and how to respond to it. Kind of like a super-prescient weatherman.

If it’s rainy outside, I would say take an umbrella, wear a raincoat, don some galoshes if it’s really hairy. If it’s hot, I would say wear linen or something else that’s breathable. If it’s cold, I’d say dress in layers and wear thermal underwear. If there’s a hurricane, I’d say stay in your favorite bomb shelter and don’t even think about going out.

Pretty straightforward. There’s no arguing with the weather — you do what you’ve got to do.

So may I propose that you stop telling me “I’m fine — why don’t you tell the weather to change?” Because men are like the weather. Let me re-phrase that by repeating it verbatim, which actually is not a re-phrasing at all but rather an attempt to burn it into your head through sheer dint of repetition:

Men are like the weather.

And can we see that in boldface? Say hallelujah:

Men are like the weather.

Underlined and in all caps? Sing it, sistah:

MEN ARE LIKE THE WEATHER.

You can’t change the weather. And you can’t change men. However, you can change the way you respond to them.

Here’s an even more important principle that I learned from one of my teachers: when you defend yourself in any way, you have completely blocked the path of growth. When you say “Sure, but”, you just killed whatever lesson was contained in there. You’ve made it impossible for yourself to learn.

Gandhi famously said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” My job is to empower you. And you have power to work on yourself and make positive changes.

If I were to say that, in order for you to be happy, you need to change Mt Rushmore, 535 Congressmen in D.C., a eucalyptus in Australia or some cute guy you just met, I have disempowered you because those things are not under your control. You, your mind, and your behavior, on the other hand, are under your control (at least more than anything else).

So take responsibility for your actions (without blaming yourself, of course). Think of responsibility as the ability to respond. That’s basically the same as power. In fact, you’re more empowered when you take responsibility even for the things that clearly he screwed up, because then it brings it into your zone of influence, as opposed to the vast uncontrollable we called the weather. Defenselessness, openness to feedback, and responsibility will hold you in good stead in your path to authentic happiness and fulfillment in all spheres of your life.

All the best

Dr Alex

PS: FYI, before one of you digs into me and tells me to write this article for the men, too — I have. Eons ago. Now go re-read it ’cause clearly you didn’t hear a word I just said :) And it’s high time you got yourself a copy of the infamous book for women — it does a mind, body and soul good.

What were you thinking, girl? How to stop self-sabotage

One of the most gratifying and distressing aspects of my job is being on the receiving end of the unsolicited confessions of you, my readers. Gratifying, because it means you want to share juicily incriminating stories with me. Distressing, because they confirm some of my worst suspicions about human behavior.

One of those suspicions that has been confirmed far too many times for me to ignore is that, when it comes to dating, women in their twenties are exceptionally good at self-sabotage. I cannot tell you the dozens upon hundreds of times a thirtysomething woman has cast her eyes to the floor, bent her head slightly and said sheepishly, “I was so awful to men in my twenties.”

Yeah, no kidding. I dated you in your twenties, and girl were you a handful. You showed up late, cancelled at the last minute, or didn’t show up at all. You got too clingy, too distant, too demanding, too giving, all in the space of a day. You demanded commitment but (more…)

What to do when she flakes

Last Friday, my friend Brian had a date with a girl he was pretty excited about. He had met her at a party for young alumni, they had hit it off and exchanged contact information. During the week, they arranged to meet at 7pm Friday night at his place and take things from there.

Around 6pm Friday, Brian calls her to confirm and make sure she has directions. No answer. He calls again at 6.30 — still no answer. At 7.15 he gets a call from her saying that she fell asleep — so sorry. By this time, Brian has already made plans with me to go watch a movie, so her loss is my gain. He’s in a pissy mood, because he feels as if he’s been stood up, and that’s never a good feeling, and it’s making me reconsider that whole gain thing.

Levity aside, what’s the optimal response here? What do you do when a woman flakes, or just plain stands you up?

Let’s take a deep breath together — ahhhh — and consider the situation. Because if you’re the one who’s been flaked upon, chances are you’re feeling an interesting mix of frustration and rage, which is not conducive to clear thinking.

Now let’s use some game theory. Your ideal outcome is for her to come hang out with you so you both have a great time.

So what you definitely do not want to do is to to wig out, lose your cool, tell her off, say nasty vindictive things, or otherwise go ballistic on her. It may feel good at the moment, but it kills your outcome. The payoff is zero. If you’re thinking about doing anything foolish like that, do it away from email or a phone. Allow a few minutes for yourself to chill out and allow a cooler head to prevail.

Because she hasn’t shown up, it’s great in a way because now you have nothing to lose. She’s already flaked! This means that you can be a little cheeky and demanding in the next round. If she responds, great; if she doesn’t, you lose zilch. In poker, this is called free-rolling, and it’s a great spot to be in.

So you wait a day or two, or wait for her to call. Now you tell her matter-of-factly that what she did was pretty bad, and you have no idea how she can make it up to you. If she’s not genuinely contrite, you’re done — this is not the class of woman you want to spend your precious time and energy on.

But if she is a quality woman, she will want to make it up to you. In the case of Brian, she apologized profusely and volunteered to drive the 2o miles from her place to come hang out in his hot tub — which is what happened the subsequent Tuesday.

So, to summarize: stay cool, call her on her bad behavior in a non-emotional way, and wait for her response. If she responds affirmatively, feel free to escalate and become more demanding — “Well, that’s a good start, but I’m not sure if that’s going to cut it” — until you reach a suitable equilibrium.

Male-Female Dating Dynamics: The Graph

Found this gem on the web, supposedly by a Bain & Co consultant with time on his hands. Insightful, hilarious, and a brilliant summary of every article I’ve ever written. Particularly funny is the location of the null set:

Why long-distance relationships suck

Aw man, I can feel a rant coming on. Here’s one comment/letter from a reader:

Speaking of long distance! We met on FB after many years apart, and live in different states. What about if there is loving romantic communication, and you respond in kind, in addition to calls… However, when it comes to positive communication, we do not talk often enough (for me) so the postive gaps get filled in some times w/email and text and (dare I say) messages on FB (but not on the wall). We also have had a lot of fun s/exting…as our physical relationship is also long distance, and there can be an emotional component to turning each other on via text also. Bottom line, I wish it was more intimate, more calls, more often…I just told him this, and he has been more attentive since the conversation. — Deb from a Distance

And here’s another comment from my college blog Enter to Grow in Wisdom on a post about long distance relationships being a bad idea:

First of all, not everybody who’s in a long-distance relationship through college breaks up. Just because you haven’t personally seen anybody make it doesn’t mean nobody does. That’s a pretty irrational attitude to take: “I haven’t seen this happen; therefore it CANNOT happen.” I’ve met and heard of plenty of people who’ve gotten married after long-distance relationships… — Miriam from Chicago

Sometimes I feel like the climate scientist who’s trying to tell the world about the ravages of global warming and someone gets up and says, “But it was cold in Milwaukee today, so there can’t possibly be global warming.”

So let me put this as clearly as possible, once and for all:

A long-distance relationship is no relationship at all.

I can hear the howls of protest already. How can you say that, (more…)

Is it ever okay to tangle with a married guy?

Letter:

Dear Alex,
It seems people write in to you often with their various romantic conundrums, so I thought I’d give it a go.

In short: a guy I dated back about 20 years ago in college got back in touch with me. He has been married since his early 20s – met the woman almost right after we had dated – and basically things are not completely happy in marital land, particularly when it comes to the physical relationship.

When he got in touch I was wondering, OK, the guy is married, what does he want… It turns out they have agreed to have an open relationship meaning both are free to pursue romantic liaisons with others. They do have two almost grown children and have been through their ups and downs. But it was clear he was committed to staying with her. I happen to be 40, single and seeking a committed, loving relationship and maybe the possibility of a family. So…

We did end up meeting once for coffee, and then decided to have a visit. It turned out to be very emotionally and physically intense. We got along very well and were extremely attracted to one another. Now, I am left wondering, why did I do this… In fact I have fallen a bit in love with the guy, given the fact he is just about all that I want in a partner – smart, intellectual, kind, sexy, warm, down to earth, worldly, sensual — except for the married part.

My feeling is that you probably would unequivocally steer good, kind, smart, sexy women away from this scenario. After all, what I want is the partnership, someone to give me their total attention and commitment. And here I am in love with a married guy who seems to be trying out seeing other people. A clue is the fact that he has expressed the fact this is probably “not healthy for either of us” to do on a regular basis. Which indicates to me either it was also emotionally intense for him (I know it was good in other ways), and he is not ready to jeopardize his marriage.

For myself, I am wondering why a guy would stay married to a woman who is clearly not meeting his needs. I mean, the fellow seemed starved for contact and a real erotic connection. So I am left feeling puzzled, a bit hurt, and a bit angry at myself for getting myself into this sticky wicket in the first place.
So I am curious to know what your take is on this.

With thanks,
Dubious Desiree

First of all, Desiree, just want to say how much I appreciate your writing a letter devoid of spelling and grammatical mistakes. I’d fax you a piece of Godiva if the technology existed.

Second, I’d like to commend you on predicting my response. Your guess that I would “unequivocally steer good, kind, smart, sexy women away from this scenario” is right on.

Imagine this: you’re on the market to buy a house. In the meantime, you’ve stumbled upon a really nice place that you just love, love, love. Except that the owner has made it very clear that it’s for rent only. But you think, “Hey, I really like this place. Why don’t I just move in and see what happens.”

What happens is that you really do like this place. And after a few months, you ask the owner if he’s willing (more…)

The five masculating gifts (or how to keep him around forever)

In yesterday’s post, we talked about Beth’s letter. She was on the brink of separation, and wanted to know how to avoid emasculating behaviors around her husband. We talked about mothering, jealousy, criticism, competition and correcting.

Today, we’re going to talk about how to reverse the process and start doing things that make him want to stick around forever (assuming forever is what you’re shooting for, which sounds like an awful long time if you ask me, but I digress).

It turns out that it’s actually pretty simple: you just reverse the aforementioned emasculating behaviors, turning them into masculating behaviors. But just ’cause it’s simple doesn’t mean it’s easy, so roll those sleeves up, sister — there’s some work to do.

I call these gifts, because that’s what it feels we’re receiving when a woman does this kind of thing for us — yeah, it’s that awesome. And when you give these gifts, a man feels as if you love him just as he is, not as the version you were hoping to mold him into. And that is priceless and rare:

1) Give him his freedom. Freedom is a man’s most treasured possession. The more of it you give him, the more he will respect you and, paradoxically, the more he will want to run back to you. Even if you’re crazy about a guy, resist the temptation to spend every waking moment with him. As one wise person said it, give him the gift of missing you. He’ll just want to spend time with you that much more.

2) Give him your trust. The more you have faith in a man and allow him to take charge, the more he grows in the masculine. And if you’re the one making him feel ten feet tall, he’ll just seek out your company that much more.

3) Give him your word. Heard of the expression “behind every great man is a great woman”? This is your chance to be that woman. When you consistently do as you say you will, a man will have deeper and deeper trust in you. This will make him feel as if he has a partner who really has his back. As a result, he will be bolder, bigger and stronger in everything that he does and has you to thank for it.

4) Give him your praise. It may not seem so, but we guys are actually kind of fragile inside. And a lot of scientists are convinced that everything we do is to impress women, from building large monuments to launching wars. In fact, evolutionary psychologist Geoffrey Miller makes a convincing case that we evolved such outsize brains mostly to enable skills that would impress mates.

So give the poor fellow some acknowledgment to make him feel as if all the paintings he painted, the buildings he built, the poetry he scribbled and wealth he accumulated have been worthwhile. Praise him for the little things, for the attention he gives you, for his small victories. You will allow him to grow into the kind of man who is capable of even bigger victories – and of creating more monuments to you.

5) Give him your grace. Every boy slips every once in a while or does something naughty. We know you’re smart, so we know that you know when we slip. As long as the slipping is not a regular occurrence (see the section on Bad Boys), this is your opportunity to open your heart and offer the man redemption. A man will be eternally grateful for your giving him a second chance – and grow into a much bigger man as a result of your demonstration of faith.

Five emasculating behaviors to avoid

Got this interesting letter recently:

Dr. Alex,

I am in the midst of a separation initiated by my husband. I don’t want a divorce. He says the main reason we cannot live together is because of what he calls my “emasculating behaviors”. He claims I may not even be aware of when I am doing “it”, but when I ask him to specifically explain what these behaviors are, he can’t. So I came across you website and thought I’d ask you, what are typical emasculating behaviors so I might be able to explore and identify if I do them? Thanks for your time,

Beth

Well, funny you should mention that, Beth. Because I just so happen to have a whole section devoted to emasculating behaviors in The Tao of Dating for Women (straight out of Ch 11, Romance, or what to do on a date, pp 230-231). Although my expertise is not in already-established relationships but rather in the process leading to one, it’s safe to assume that these principles hold no matter which phase of courtship you find yourself in.

First, I just want all of you to know that you’re not an awful person if you’re doing these things. Chances are that you’re doing them unconsciously, meaning that you’re simply not aware of them, as Beth mentioned. So no need to beat yourself up for having done stuff like that up to know. Guilt, shame and blame are three of the biggest wastes of energy you can indulge in.

That said, now that I’m telling you what these behaviors are, you have one less excuse for keeping them in your repertoire. If you want your man to stay with you, chances are you care for him. And if you care for him, why would you want to make him miserable? You don’t. So quit doing these things. And listen to him when he says you’re doing them, because he’s the only person qualified to tell you how he feels.

As a general rubric, the highest value of the divine masculine is (more…)

Why it is wise to worship a woman, by Arjuna Ardagh

I was fortunate enough to come across this article by Arjuna Ardagh on the goddess on Huffington Post as I was checking up on my own article there. This is now required reading for all my boys and girls.

Men: this is the highest expression of the unarticulated longing inside your heart for the divine feminine. It’s also the solution to all of your dating woes. If this is how you see women and convey it to them, you will have throngs of goddesses adoring you wherever you go.

Women: this is about you. Realize that you are the goddess right here, right now. Ease into it, live it, breathe it, and radiate it outward. It’s also the solution to all of your dating woes. If you show up as the goddess and gradually lead him into the inner sanctum of your divine feminine, he cannot resist. This is what the whole Tao of Dating program is about.

That said, here’s the beginning of the article. Blog protocol requires that I put up an excerpt and direct you to the original source, so go to it:

“A few days ago, after a particularly exquisite evening with my wife Chameli, I put this post up on Facebook before going to bed:

“I have had many, many great teachers in my life. A super abundance. No one and nothing comes close to the woman who is now asleep in the bedroom. My marriage has become the guru, the salvation, the muse, the crack through which the divine shines through.”

When I woke up the next morning, (more…)

‘The How of Happiness’: Interview with Prof Sonja Lyubomirsky

There have been a number a number of excellent books on happiness published in the past few years, and I have been consuming them avidly. Not only do I use their principles to help my students and hypnotherapy clients lead happier lives, but I also enjoy applying the principles to my own life. The books are also fun to read, with accounts of quirky psych experiments and fun, touching anecdotes.

One of the best of the happiness batch is The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want by UC Riverside Professor of Psychology Sonja Lyubomirsky. Amongst all the happiness texts I’ve read (and there have been about 8), this one I found to be the most practical in its ability to increase real happiness in your life.

This is because of Prof Lyubomirsky’s judicious use of questionnaires and the Person-Activity Fit Diagnostic, which figures out which activities end up creating the most happiness for you. The results for me were somewhat surprising and allowed me to focus more of my time and energy on the activities that, unbeknownst to myself, meant the most to me.

Prof Lyubomirsky, a Santa Monica neighbor and fellow Harvard grad, was kind enough to let me into her home for a very informative interview which you can watch below. I recommend everyone, young and old, to get a copy of The How of Happiness for yourself and someone you love. There is no greater gift than enabling “the experience of joy, contentment or positive well-being, combined with a sense that one’s life is good, meaningful and worthwhile.” So go forth and be a happiness enabler.

In Part 1, we talk about how the book can help you custom-design your own happiness program. We also discuss savoring, flow, and 2 of the 3 happiness myths.