Dr. Ali "Victor" Binazir, Happiness Engineer

Modern Science and Ancient Wisdom for Living the Good Life

  • Dealbreakers 2: Stop overanalysis & ‘normalization of deviance’

    Our friend Michaela got back to us after the article from a couple of days ago about the man who consistently betrayed her.  (Before you boys tune out, this situation happens all the time to both men and women — ever heard of the expression ‘whipped’ before?  Then read on.)  She’s clarified the situation a bit.  Here’s the abridged version:

    he fights very unfairly…he says ‘i forgot’ ‘i define sex differently’ ‘we never agreed to that’ or ‘i never said that’ (he says that about things he said in a clear strong voice less than a minute earlier) and, the hardest for me to understand, he blames me for creating the negative perspective of ‘being betrayed’ instead of ‘boy, isn’t that great for you!’ and avoids the part where he actually betrays me.

    i feel i do create my experience, that i am responsible on some level for all that this world/my life is, and am stuck here trying to see how i can (more…)

  • What to do when he or she goes ‘poof’

    Hi Dr. Ali,
    Boy, was this a timely article! I was pondering sending a scintillating email to a wuss of a guy who’s gone “poof” on me after 6 dates…but I won’t.
    What’s your take on these “fadeaways”? I thought it was going fine, a girl goes away for 3 weeks…then comes back, and he’s changed. Whatever the reason, JUST TELL ME STRAIGHT i.e. “it’s not working out”…instead of disappearing off planet earth for 2 weeks and leaving me wondering… And this is a 46-year old man!
    I realise you’re very busy. Maybe you’ll address this in a future article as it seems to be a common occurrence here in New York at least
    So I’m not saying anything about it at all. Clearly he doesn’t care enough to send a one line email, or call. That says it all. It’s just common courtesy, respect…
    Thanks for the advice you’re sending on, it’s very helpful.
    Sincerely,
    Samantha

    Samantha–

    Thanks for the note!  Yes, it is tremendously frustrating to both the men and the women on the receiving end of The Disappearance.  I mean, what happened?  Did you get severe tendinitis in both hands so you can’t write or call?  Were you deported back to Sweden for your obvious abuse of our fabulous American health care system?  Did you die, without even having the courtesy to invite me to your funeral or give me dibs on your book collection?

    So the first thing you can do about this is: (more…)

  • The #1 Mistake in Modern Communication

    Regret-generating ambiguous email #1056: So, I’m sorry to see that we are not on the same page when it comes to the unwritten rules of engagement with the opposite sex, and apparently not even reading the same book in terms of our relationship.  I did have fun though. :)

    Regret-generating ambiguous text #343: Ur a self-centered bastard.  Fine, maybe I was PMSing, but ur still a jerk.

    This article is going to be short.  It will contain one main message.  It’s an important one.  The message is this:

    No emotional communication via email, text, or voicemail (aka asynchronous media).  Ever.

    You should use email, text and even voicemail to transmit straight data only.  ‘What time are we meeting’, ‘what’s the address’, that kind of thing.  The occasional compliment or flirty message is okay, but even those can be subject to misunderstanding.

    Now let me explain why emotional communication via text or email is such a bad idea.

    1) Error rate in message generation is high.

    Communication has three phases:

    Message generation: Did you compose it accurately?

    Message transmission: Did it fly through the air and safely get there?

    Message interpretation: Did the recipient understand it the way you meant it?

    When you talk to someone face-t0-face, all three things (more…)

  • Dealbreakers: What to Do When You Have (Very) Mixed Feelings About a Guy

    Here’s a letter I got recently which highlights one of the most common issues women have when it comes to dating.  For all of you who have ever been in mediocre relationships, listen up:

    Hi Alex,

    Thanks for the compassionate, thoughtful and straightforward presentation of your experience and perspective.  This information has been very helpful in creating new possibilities for my own experience.

    In 3 weeks I will have been in a self-described ‘partnership’ for two years.  It has been both delightful and devastating. My partner, while he verbally professes love for me, and has shown up in many very supportive ways, has also betrayed me repeatedly in public, always for a person he says is ‘only a friend’.  I have gotten stuck on wanting to forgive and move through it and not been effective in being aware of and communicating or acting on what I am honestly experiencing. He has expressed sincere regret that ‘you are having this experience of betrayal’.  Something about that phrase is very uncomfortable to me, as if I should (more…)

  • Better Dating Decisions Through Game Theory

    Is there a science to making better dating decisions?

    It’s 5.30pm on Friday night, and you have a date for 8pm. You’re really eager to spend time with this new guy you’ve met. He says he’s made a reservation at the hottest new restaurant in town, and you’ve been anticipating this since Monday when you agreed to go out with him. It’s the highlight of your long week.

    You arrive home, put down your handbag and take off your jacket, wondering whether you’re going to wear that red off-the-shoulder number or the more subdued black dress. And shoes – which shoes… when the ringing of your phone interrupts your train of thought. It’s him. He says his boss called him in to help prepare for tomorrow’s client presentation. He cancels on you.

    What’s the Right Thing to Do?

    If you’ve ever dated, (more…)

  • Video: Dan Siegel on Mindfulness and Feeling Good

    Daniel Siegel, MD, Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, Co-Director of the UCLA Mindfulness Research Center, author of Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation and all-around stud does a striking demonstration of how you can go from a negative state of mind to a positive one in a matter of seconds — using only one word.

    Even though I’ve experienced and performed many such demonstrations myself, this one’s pretty dramatic in its impact and simplicity, so be sure to watch the first two minutes at the very least. Towards the end, he gives a practical mindfulness technique you can use at any time.

  • The Quick Guide for Getting Guys: How Smart Women Can Understand Men

    Lately, women have been reporting on the proliferation of a peculiar creature in their neighborhoods. They say it’s hairy, communicates in grunts if at all, is always trying to gain their favor, doesn’t train very well, and tries to hump everything in sight.

    Yup – men are everywhere. But we’re not nearly as baffling as we seem once you understand the underlying machinery. As my fortune cookie said last night, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

    So, straight out of The Tao of Dating — “the dating bible for smart women” according to my good man and ace dating coach Evan Marc Katz, and the greatest book in the world according to my mom — here’s a little primer on how to understand guys. Whether you’re single or married, this should (more…)

  • On Bad Boys and How to Spot Them

    This is an excerpt straight out of Chapter 5 of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Irresistible.  It’s an addendum to the HuffingtonPost.com article “Which Part of ‘Bad Boy’ Did You Not Understand, Sandra?”

    We talked about noticing aspects of your own behavior that are relevant to your fulfillment.  For example, if you’re chronically getting in the way of your own happiness through self-deprecation, that’s useful to know (and, by the way, stop doing that already.  Thanks.).  Equally important is to notice behaviors of potential male companions which bear on your fulfillment.

    This section is for those of you who find yourselves occasionally (or serially) involved with bad boys only to regret the episode afterwards.  If you’ve never had a problem with bad boys and  don’t think you ever will, you may also skip this section.  If you like bad boys and can handle them just fine, then skip this section.  If you’ve ever found a bad boy even slightly appealing and think you could someday get involved with one, read on.

    There’s something attractive about bad boys, which is why smart women need to be able to spot them before getting involved with one, because (more…)

  • Anti-Friction Technique #3: Obliterate

    We first started talking about how friction is the enemy.  Then we discussed technique #1 for managing it – namely, bypassing it.  Then we covered overcoming friction – technique #2.

    Today, I’m going to talk about technique #3 – obliterating friction.

    This is the idea of getting rid of friction permanently.

    Permanently?  Yes, permanently.

    In Taoism, this is called wu wu-wei – doing not doing.  Basically, all actions follow naturally from the core of your being.  You never (more…)

  • Anti-Friction Technique Set #2: Overcome

    Yesterday, we talked about how to bypass friction, especially when it comes to meeting women.

    Today, I’m going to talk a little bit about how to overcome friction.

    Basically, here’s the scenario: you’ve seen her. You’d like to meet her, but you’ve taken too long and your brain’s ‘aw crap’ mechanism has already kicked in. You’ve started thinking about it, which is the essence of friction.

    Well, I would have preferred that you’d gotten in there quicker, but hey — this situation’s going to come up, so let’s deal with it, shall we?

    What’s happened is that some kind of prior emotional state of friction has (more…)