Blog - Dr. Ali Binazir, Happiness Engineer

Dealbreakers: What to Do When You Have (Very) Mixed Feelings About a Guy

Here’s a letter I got recently which highlights one of the most common issues women have when it comes to dating. For all of you who have ever been in mediocre relationships, listen up:

Hi Alex,

Thanks for the compassionate, thoughtful and straightforward presentation of your experience and perspective. This information has been very helpful in creating new possibilities for my own experience.

In 3 weeks I will have been in a self-described ‘partnership’ for two years. It has been both delightful and devastating. My partner, while he verbally professes love for me, and has shown up in many very supportive ways, has also betrayed me repeatedly in public, always for a person he says is ‘only a friend’. I have gotten stuck on wanting to forgive and move through it and not been effective in being aware of and communicating or acting on what I am honestly experiencing. He has expressed sincere regret that ‘you are having this experience of betrayal’. Something about that phrase is very uncomfortable to me, as if I should (more…)

Better Dating Decisions Through Game Theory

Is there a science to making better dating decisions?

It’s 5.30pm on Friday night, and you have a date for 8pm. You’re really eager to spend time with this new guy you’ve met. He says he’s made a reservation at the hottest new restaurant in town, and you’ve been anticipating this since Monday when you agreed to go out with him. It’s the highlight of your long week.

You arrive home, put down your handbag and take off your jacket, wondering whether you’re going to wear that red off-the-shoulder number or the more subdued black dress. And shoes – which shoes… when the ringing of your phone interrupts your train of thought. It’s him. He says his boss called him in to help prepare for tomorrow’s client presentation. He cancels on you.

What’s the Right Thing to Do?

If you’ve ever dated, (more…)

Video: Dan Siegel on Mindfulness and Feeling Good

Daniel Siegel, MD, Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, Co-Director of the UCLA Mindfulness Research Center, author of Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation and all-around stud does a striking demonstration of how you can go from a negative state of mind to a positive one in a matter of seconds — using only one word.

Even though I’ve experienced and performed many such demonstrations myself, this one’s pretty dramatic in its impact and simplicity, so be sure to watch the first two minutes at the very least. Towards the end, he gives a practical mindfulness technique you can use at any time.

The Quick Guide for Getting Guys: How Smart Women Can Understand Men

Lately, women have been reporting on the proliferation of a peculiar creature in their neighborhoods. They say it’s hairy, communicates in grunts if at all, is always trying to gain their favor, doesn’t train very well, and tries to hump everything in sight.

Yup – men are everywhere. But we’re not nearly as baffling as we seem once you understand the underlying machinery. As my fortune cookie said last night, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

So, straight out of The Tao of Dating — “the dating bible for smart women” according to my good man and ace dating coach Evan Marc Katz, and the greatest book in the world according to my mom — here’s a little primer on how to understand guys. Whether you’re single or married, this should (more…)

On Bad Boys and How to Spot Them

This is an excerpt straight out of Chapter 5 of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Irresistible. It’s an addendum to the HuffingtonPost.com article “Which Part of ‘Bad Boy’ Did You Not Understand, Sandra?”

We talked about noticing aspects of your own behavior that are relevant to your fulfillment. For example, if you’re chronically getting in the way of your own happiness through self-deprecation, that’s useful to know (and, by the way, stop doing that already. Thanks.). Equally important is to notice behaviors of potential male companions which bear on your fulfillment.

This section is for those of you who find yourselves occasionally (or serially) involved with bad boys only to regret the episode afterwards. If you’ve never had a problem with bad boys and don’t think you ever will, you may also skip this section. If you like bad boys and can handle them just fine, then skip this section. If you’ve ever found a bad boy even slightly appealing and think you could someday get involved with one, read on.

There’s something attractive about bad boys, which is why smart women need to be able to spot them before getting involved with one, because (more…)

Anti-Friction Technique #3: Obliterate

We first started talking about how friction is the enemy. Then we discussed technique #1 for managing it – namely, bypassing it. Then we covered overcoming friction – technique #2.

Today, I’m going to talk about technique #3 – obliterating friction.

This is the idea of getting rid of friction permanently.

Permanently? Yes, permanently.

In Taoism, this is called wu wu-wei – doing not doing. Basically, all actions follow naturally from the core of your being. You never (more…)

Anti-Friction Technique Set #2: Overcome

Yesterday, we talked about how to bypass friction, especially when it comes to meeting women.

Today, I’m going to talk a little bit about how to overcome friction.

Basically, here’s the scenario: you’ve seen her. You’d like to meet her, but you’ve taken too long and your brain’s ‘aw crap’ mechanism has already kicked in. You’ve started thinking about it, which is the essence of friction.

Well, I would have preferred that you’d gotten in there quicker, but hey — this situation’s going to come up, so let’s deal with it, shall we?

What’s happened is that some kind of prior emotional state of friction has (more…)

Anti-Friction Technique Set #1: Bypass

Thanks for your super-enthusiastic response to yesterday’s article on Friction: The Enemy.

Seems like we touched a nerve there, since so many of you signed up for the Approach Clinic before even knowing what time it was happening.

Good to know the natives are hungry.

Well then. I’m happy to serve, so let’s deliver some more.

In the last piece, posted on the blog yesterday, I talked about 3 ways of handling friction:

1) Bypass it.
2) Overcome it.
3) Remove it entirely.

The techniques I will share with you in the Approach Clinic will fall under these three categories.

To give you a preview of each method – you bypass friction by using your head cleverly.

You overcome friction by setting up physiological responses that give you a (more…)

We have found the enemy: Tuesday March 9

Some wise person (and wiseguy) once said, “We have found the enemy, and it is us.”

I first heard that when I was a teenager, and frankly it made no sense.

Then I heard it again after studying some Eastern philosophy, and I thought, “Yes, that is profound indeed.”

Now after really getting into Eastern wisdom and understanding it at a feeling level and not just an intellectual level, it doesn’t make sense anymore.

That’s because the enemy is inside you, but it’s not you. The enemy is (more…)

Why do smart people make dumb decisions?

Meet my friend Bart. As a surgeon, every day at work he’s entrusted with the lives of others, and he handles the job well. He’s a genuinely gifted fellow. He’s also fit, healthy, and well-rounded.

In other words, Bart has made a lot of great decisions in his life, and continues to do so every day.

Except that some time ago, he got engaged. And none of his friends thought it was a good idea. We all predicted disaster, of the Hindenberg up-in-flames variety.

Bart did get separated a few years later, and you probably know someone who was plenty smart who made a similarly disastrous decision. Whether it was taking the wrong job, buying a Hummer, selling off Microsoft stock in 1989 or launching into a destructive affair, (more…)