Dr. Ali "Victor" Binazir, Happiness Engineer

Modern Science and Ancient Wisdom for Living the Good Life

  • Dating: The easy way to make difficult requests

    This reader brings up a great question:

    Hi! Alex,
    I have been enjoying your autoresponder updates.  Thank you!  I am grateful that my friend told me about you!

    My question is:

    When a man uses vulgar language (mainly the “f” word) around me (and we are just getting to know one another), how do I let him know that I would rather not hear that? Sure, I have heard the word a lot in life (I am 56) and even said it myself a few times (usually softly when no one’s around!), but I feel uncomfortable when a guy uses it in front of me…

    Thanks and blessings! Maureen from Seattle

    Well well.  This is a universal issue, isn’t it.  How do we ask for what we want when it can potentially offend the person we’re asking?  It also comes up when giving unsolicited (but direly needed) advice: for example, how do you tell someone he or she has bad breath?  Or that her boyfriend is a loser and she needs to dump him pronto?

    There are a few motives here working at cross-purposes.  One is genuine concern for the friend.  Second (a corollary to the first) is not wanting to hurt the friend’s feelings.  And the third is to get some relief for yourself.

    First of all, I’d like to bring to your attention that of the three motives listed above, only one really matters: your genuine concern for your friend.  Number two, namely not wanting to hurt the friend’s feelings, is still part of the fact that you care.

    Forget about relief for yourself and instead frame it thus: “If this person continues to have raging halitosis, (more…)

  • The Four Phases of Confidence

    Today I want to talk a little bit about confidence.  It’s probably more a yang (masculine) quality than a yin (feminine) one.  But I’ll just assume it’s of general interest and address both the men and the women.

    First of all, what the heck is confidence?  It’s what linguists call a nominalization – basically a noun that stands in for a bunch of verbs.

    Whenever you have a nominalization, you get confusion.  Because each one of us defines that nominalization in our own special way.  So words like ‘confidence’, ‘courage’ and ‘understanding’ effectively have 6.5 billion definitions.

    So however you define confidence, let’s agree on this much: it doesn’t exist.  At least not in the traditional sense of existing.

    You can’t put it in a wheelbarrow, and you can’t pinpoint its location in your brain in a PET scan.  Not even those fancy, souped up fMRI scans can find it.

    It’s a state of mind — some mixture of willingness and self-possession.  It’s a catalyst to action but not action itself.  Whatever it is, like porn, we know it when we see it.

    Our discussion today is mostly about social confidence, but it’s applicable to any other kind of confidence that matters to you.

    There are four kinds of confidence.  The first kind I’ll call unconscious confidence.

    This is a bit like ‘unconscious incompetence’, the first phase of learning, except that you’re not incompetent – you’re SUPER-competent!

    This is the fearless confidence of kids. They’ll go up to any stranger and engage in conversation.  They’ll say “I love you” within minutes of meeting you.  They just don’t know any better than to be outrageous and outgoing and do their heart’s desire.

    Gradually, through the teachings of parents and culture, they learn that it’s not okay to (more…)

  • Dating for Women: How to Get Out of Your Own Way

    Here’s a great letter I got recently:

    I have a question about a guy.  I think you stated I get one free consult question?? I was introduced to a great guy who is the best friend of my best friend’s husband so there is a lot of history there that I knew about before I met him.  This made dating him easy since I knew his awesome character! The only problem I see with this maybe not working out is that his speech is not the greatest.  He is from a small town so he says things like, ” I done, I seen and them guys”.  My question is: Can this be a deal breaker? …or does this really matter?  Or…can I get him to learn a little correct english at age 40?  I am not college educated and my english is not the greatest either, but I cringe whenever those words come out of his mouth.  Otherwise, he is the greatest guy I have ever dated. Thanks for your imput!! Diana

    Thanks for writing, Diana.  Your story exemplifies the idea of getting in the way of your own fulfillment.

    What matters is how he makes you feel — and how you make him feel.  Nobody’s going to be 100% perfect, so if he’s the greatest guy ever except for this one thing that he says, that’s pretty good.

    My friend and fellow advisor Evan Marc Katz says “don’t hit on 20”, which is a metaphor from the game of blackjack that’s highly applicable to this situation.  Why try to improve something that’s already pretty good?

    Here’s what i suggest: instead of trying to ‘fix’ him, focus on appreciating him for what he has to offer.

    After you’ve done that, you can ask him if he’s interested in sounding even more intelligent.  Only AFTER he’s given his consent can you offer some tips after you have his consent and cooperation.

    This is what I call leading with love.  To correct him just to relieve your own annoyance is not done out of love — it’s done out of egotism.  But once you change your orientation to genuine concern about he feels about himself, then you have license to give him a grammar tip.

    In my own practice, I first ask clients, “Are you open to feedback?”  After they say yes, I ask, “Would you like me to sugarcoat my statements or to be ruthlessly compassionate?”  Once they’ve chosen the hotness of the sauce, then I proceed.

    Also, it’s a good idea to focus on getting your own house in order first.  Perhaps it drives him nuts that you say ‘imput’ instead of ‘input’ and he’s been a perfect gentleman about it all along.  And who knows what dozens of other blindspots we have about our own mannerisms that our friends are too gracious to point out.

    So once again, lead with love and you can’t go wrong.  Appreciate and reinforce the parts you like about him and worry less about the rest. If you are going to level some kind of criticism or complaint, remember that Prof John Gottman’s research showed that a 5-to-1 ratio keeps a relationship healthy — 5 nice comments for every one negative one.

  • Book review: the recession-busting “Traveler’s Gift” by Andy Andrews

    One of the great reasons to attend seminars is that you just don’t know whom you’ll encounter there.

    Last month I had the good fortune to attend Mark Victor Hansen’s Mega Book Marketing Seminar.  As I was getting my network on in the lobby, someone asked me, “Aren’t you going to go see Andy Andrews speak?”

    ‘Um, who?,’  I thought to my jaded self, and clearly my interlocutor read my mind from the look on my face.  “Oh, he’s terrific – you should definitely go check him out.”

    Well, awright, fine.  If Mark and this here guy think Andy’s cool enough to be on the podium, I’ll go see what he has to say – for a few minutes.  Then I’ll slink right back to the lobby and continue schmoozing.

    Needless to say, I did not return to the lobby before I had heard every last word Andy Andrews had to say.  Not only were his words uplifting and inspirational, but Andy is one riotously funny dude (more…)

  • How to Be A Modern Goddess

    One question arises whenever I pronounce the distinctly un-pithy title of my book for women – ‘The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Embracing Your Inner Goddess and Finding the Fulfillment You Deserve‘:

    “What qualifies you to write this book?”

    Well, nothing really.  See, I actually don’t want you to just listen to me and accept everything I say – the whole point of the exercise is to figure out stuff for yourself.  I present ideas for you to test.  If the principles work for you, use them.  If not, toss them and use something else.  This is better known as the ‘be your own damn guru’ principle.

    Moreover, you may have noticed that I’m a guy.  I’m generally pleased with that situation, intermittent requests to die for my country notwithstanding. However, it poses handicaps when attempting to gain deep insight into the feminine psyche.

    That’s why I borrow the brains of remarkable women like Marianne Williamson to aid me in the task.  She wrote this great book called A Woman’s Worth that everybody should read, guys included.

    I’ve also caught glimpses of the goddess and know what she looks like.  The Taoist principle at work here says that you can’t see a mountain if you’re standing on it.  You, the goddess, are standing upon the mountain of goddesshood.  (more…)

  • Book Review: “The Love Response” by Eva Selhub

    I had the pleasure of meeting Dr Eva at a conference here in LA last month where she was speaking.  As is my habit with all readings, I purchased her book and had her sign it (gotta support your friendly neighborhood fellow author, y’know).

    At the time, my reading queue was over 30 deep, and I didn’t think I would get around to Dr Eva’s book, The Love Response, for a while.  But the premise was so compelling and close to my heart – subtitle: “Neutralize the physical effects of stress; turn off anger fear and anxiety; restore balance and well-being” – that I found myself cracking it open.  I’m all about bringing together the holistic and the scientific, the spirit and the body, so this was right up my alley.  In two days, I had read it cover to cover.

    Let me tell you that this is a magnificent and supremely timely book.  First off, Dr Eva has sterling credentials: medical director of the Mind/Body Medical Institute at the Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston, clinical instructor of medicine at Harvard Medical School, and founder of Alight Center for Healing in Newton, MA.

    What I love about this book is how Dr Eva has seamlessly blended together (more…)

  • Conversation tips for ‘sexy, nerdy girls’

    First of all, I’d like to say a happy Persian New Year to everyone out there.  The vernal equinox marks the first day of spring as well as the beginning of the Persian calendar.  It’s a time of renewal, rebirth and remembrance, and an excellent excuse to party, which I encourage all of you to do.

    Now here’s a letter from a reader a propos last night’s teleseminar:

    i listened in to your seminar last night… i had a question. last night the last third of your talk centered around how to help men feel confident enough to approach women. you suggested (and said several times) that women know what to do “naturally” in that scenario.

    especially for smart women, i have to disagree: we don’t!

    i’d be interested in your suggestions for sexy nerdy girls who either shoot down men who do approach by being too “smart”  (over engaging in intellectual convo too soon with a dude) or ones like me who don’t know how to the “natural” thing and allow men to approach.

    feel free to reprint in your email blast. am curious to hear your advice. (my advice to myself is to stop looking at the floor and make eye contact. but easier said than done.) –Samantha, New York City

    Thanks for writing in, Sam.

    When I say that women naturally know what to do, I mean that they are constantly sending unconscious (more…)

  • Teleseminar TONIGHT: ‘Smart, Meet Heart’

    The teleseminar I’m holding tonight, Thursday 19 March 2009, will elaborate on the concepts from the previous post. It’s free to join us on the call, although there’s only room for 200 listeners, so call in early:

    Date: Thu 19 March 2009
    Time: 6pm PDT/9pm EDT
    Duration: about 60min
    Call-in #: 218 486 1300
    Access code: 667202

    It’s totally, completely and utterly free.  We’ll have some live Q&A time, so lob ’em at me, baby.

  • Smart, Meet Heart: 5 Remedies for (Smart) People’s Dating Woes

    Some of you, my astute readers, already noticed that the dating challenges enumerated in the last article – focusing on careers instead of relationships, expecting to be loved for the wrong reasons, not acting like a sexual being, self-sabotaging and ego identity – are not just specific to smart people.  They’re specific to people.  Smart, successful folks simply get a little extra wallop of them.

    Well, that’s nice, you say. Now what are we going to do about it, doc?

    So glad you asked.  Let’s take them one-by-one:

    1) Make meaningful connection to other human beings a priority.

    In Tolstoy’s novella The Death of Ivan Ilyich, a rich Russian judge finds himself on his deathbed at age 45.  He’s spent his whole life doing the ‘right’ things – the right education, job, marriage, neighborhood, social circles.  Yet, on the brink of death, he realizes that his life has been (more…)

  • From the SXSW Interactive Festival

    Greetings from Austin.  I decided to attend the SXSW Interactive Fest at the last minute, and I gotta tell ya – it’s fascinating stuff.  I’ll be blogging periodically from the events and sending updates on talks and my whereabouts via Twitter: @dralexbenzer.  Find me if you’re here!