Dr. Ali "Victor" Binazir, Happiness Engineer

This is a reader’s response to the article “How to decipher what men really mean: principles for handling casual relationships.” If you haven’t read it yet, no big deal, but it’s available via the newsletter, which you can subscribe to in the left-hand box over there  <–

Dear Dr. Benzer,

Some helpful and thought-provoking points below. I’m very impressed. I’ve written a few questions in response. Sorta rhetorical but if you have any thoughts, I’d be very interested to hear them….
You say “Now it’s possible that your long-term fulfillment is in having a committed relationship with a man that’s heading towards marriage.”

If fulfillment is a feeling, not an idea, then how do know an idea will really fulfill you – if you’ve never felt it?

Let’s say that filet mignon is marriage, or a committed relationship. How do you know that filet mignon is right for you? You can deduce that you might enjoy it, based on the precedent set by your species in the form of millions of happily married or committed couples eating filet mignon, but until you’ve finally chomped down into that first supposedly succulent bite, how can you know if if that’s what you should be aiming for? I *think* I am very happy eating my Independence-flavored ice cream. BUT it’s hard to fully enjoy it when society tells me I should be trying to get myself some filet mignon.

You also say “But if you *are* cool with dating around and having fun, then go ahead and be cool with it.”

Dating around – traditionally, women aren’t supposed to date/sleep around just for fun. Society tells me, my religion has told me, health reasons tell me, and therefore I tell myself, that I will be a lesser woman if I do this. If you’re going to be marched through the fiery gates of hell for something, best to avoid it. If you’re going to die a miserably death from an STD, best avoid it. If you’re going to be talked about in hushed, sympathetic voices by your friends for being single the rest of your life, best avoid it.

How do I get to a point where I’m ‘cool’ with just dating (does this mean ‘sleeping’ ?) around, when my sources tell me I should want otherwise? I recently ruined a relationship and scared the guy away by trying to force commitment before we were ready for it – I knew we weren’t ready for it, but I asked for exclusivity because that’s what I felt I should do (or…maybe it’s really what I wanted but I don’t want to admit that to myself). In reality, it shouldn’t have mattered – we were both quite enjoying the ice cream…and I ruined the flavor with talk of filet mignon.
– Suzie E. from D.C.

Well, Suzie. Thanks for writing in. Your letter brings up a lot of questions, and I’ll see if I can address each one individually.

You say “Now it’s possible that your long-term fulfillment is in having a committed relationship with a man that’s heading towards marriage.”
If fulfillment is a feeling, not an idea, then how do know an idea will really fulfill you – if you’ve never felt it?

Suzie, that’s very well put, and exactly the point. The only guide for fulfillment is how you feel. Things like companionship, warmth, love, someone to cuddle with, someone to share brunch with — these evoke fulfillment-related feelings. They’re a little different for each person. As the passage said, it’s possible that a long-term committed relationship is fulfilling for you. It’s also possible that it’s not. Find out what works for you. (more…)