While I’ve been working on the release of my new book, Best Dating Advice I Ever Got 2, you have still been writing me and asking very intriguing questions. Here’s one:
“I just finished your book. Here’s my situation. I met the man of my dreams last year. He was in love and so was I with someone else. The second time he hugged me, I breathed him in and this overwhelming thought “I’m home” came over me. I’ve felt it ever since. We became best friends. He was treated like trash by his soulmate and a year later is still hurting. We’ve drunkenly stated we are meant to be. He’s recently divorced and basically he is where I was 5 years ago. Bad timing.
I know in my soul we are meant to be. He gets close, then freaks out and pulls away. I’ve tried to walk away and he doesn’t let me. Last week he pulled away. Still keeps contact. I’ve done most of what your book says over the last year. 100% devoted, I listen, most of chapter 10 I did already. Last week he stated he needs 2 years to settle who/what he is. Just found out he’s on Match.com and the first sentence of his profile is “I’m looking for my best friend.” Yet Sunday night he said I’m his best friend.
Here’s my question. Confidence is the key. Let go? Speak my mind? Be patient? Where’s the balance? Fear is a woman’s worst enemy. We can say we’re confident, but it doesn’t work unless we believe it. How do you let go and BELIEVE?
Help needed in the heart department, Sylvia”
Please stop for a moment. Stop and instead of playing the role of the seller so much — “please please pleeeeez like me” — I want you to assume the position of the buyer. As in, “What has he done for me lately?” Remember that fulfillment is a feeling, not a person. You seem to be hung up on the person for some reason — chemicals, old patterns, whatever — and as a result are mistaking this incredibly mediocre treatment of you as true love. Really? Is this the best you can do?
Please keep in mind that devotion is not some high-tech begging technique to keep the wrong guy around. It’s not a bribe — it’s a reward. It’s what you give the right guy after he’s already proven to be worthy. And please don’t say things like “I know in my soul we are meant to be.” How? How can anyone possibly know? Did the 50% of people in this country whose marriages ultimately failed also have the same thought?
The only true measures of whether a guy is right for you are how good he makes you feel in the relationship, and how much both of you are growing. Sounds like he’s giving you a massive dose of pain, uncertainty and ambivalence. Is this your idea of a soulmate? Please consider that you can do better with some of the other millions of single men out there, at least one of whom is perfectly willing to make you feel like the queen of the universe.
Hope that helps. Now please snap out of it, stop staying on hold with this guy, and allow the space for someone more deserving of your valuable attention to find you. And most of all — have fun with it! Drama and fun are often not the same thing.