Hi Dr. Ali, I just listened to your interview with Orna and Matthew Walters. I’m currently separated from my husband and looking for ways to become a more ‘surrendered wife’ and totally sink into my femininity. Do you have any books or resources you would recommend to help me with that?
We have had the modern 50/50 type relationship and our polarity is totally flat lined. We are both willing to put in the work and uncover our natural sexual essences (we’re reading David Deida’s book), and I’m just wanting to do my part to my best ability.
I would greatly appreciate your input. Thank you! — Heather M.
Y’know, it’s always a little awkward for me when women ask me for tips on how to be more feminine. Gladly! While we’re at it, let me teach some hawks how to fly better, and give some dolphins swimming tips.
At the same time, I do know what I like, and I have noticed differences between a woman who is super-feminine and one who has not quite mastered that energy.
So, for starters, I’m going to refer you to a book: The Sensuous Woman by J. It’s written by a woman in her late 30s-early 40s, of average looks and figure by her own admission, who somehow has every man wrapped around her finger. She does it by being deeply sensual — taking pleasure in the exercise of her 5 senses. Super-quick read. If you can get past some of the dated references, there’s some gold in them thar pages.
If you want to take it to the next level, get Slow Sex by Nicole Daedone. This book treats the root cause instead of giving you Band-Aid solutions. Watch the video of her I put up on the blog, and learn the technique.
As for pointers from this here guy: start wearing more skirts and dresses if you aren’t already. It’s funny how clothing can just snap you right into one state of mind vs another. If you were wearing a suit at work, change into something more girly when you get home — something that makes you feel more feminine. Actually, scratch that: always change out of your work clothes when you get home. Maybe even take a bath, put on some lotion or do something that takes you out of your head and re-engages you with your senses and body.
Make a point of touching yourself often during conversation (and I don’t mean masturbation, although that has its time and place, too). Smooth that skirt. Twiddle with your hair. Secret weapon: slowly running your middle finger along your neck just drives men wild — have no idea why, but it works.
As for your dude: he needs to read The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. It’s pretty amazing. I’d suggest you read it before you give it to him.
And dance! Preferably partnered dancing together — salsa or tango. This is where the masculine-feminine dynamic is most explicit. Enjoy the act of letting yourself be led.
Finally, it’s possible that the relationship wasn’t meant to be. If it’s too much struggle, then you may be pushing against the Tao, and the universe may be telling you something.