Category: femininity

  • “My boyfriend hasn’t proposed yet. Should I break up with him?”: On devotion, garden gnomes & eating menus

    An excellent letter here that brings up issues about commitment, devotion, masculine and feminine essence, the map and the territory:

    Three years after my divorce from a marriage of 22 years, I met this wonderful guy. We are both in our 50s. When we met 1.5 years ago, I made it clear that I was looking for a partner with whom to spend the rest of my life. He said he was on the same mission. We’ve been inseparable since then. Last year, I was diagnosed for breast cancer and he was there for me the whole time. He is a very devoted, compassionate person. He expressed his love for me over and over and said he would marry me. But until now he hasn’t proposed to me yet.

    Because of his professed love and intentions, I was expecting a proposal, but since it wasn’t coming, I was getting frustrated. I threatened to break up with him a few times, but he would always spring back to me saying his life is meaningless without me. Then why he wouldn’t propose? I told him I don’t want to force him do things if that’s not his desire. I asked him please let me go if the marriage is not his plan because I don’t want to continue the relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend. He said, “You don’t make me feel special to like you used to,” and “Marriage is from both parties. What is your contribution to that?”

    I finally gave him an ultimatum few weeks ago, because I was really tired of the situation. He is very quiet now. My questions are: What’s going on in a man’s mind when he said I am the love of his life and he would marry me, but not acting on his word? Did I made a good decision giving him the ultimatum? Or did I chase a good man away by acting on my emotions focusing on marriage? — Maria from Canada

    A long time ago, on a tiny blue planet in the Milky Way galaxy, I picked up this book called Tao Te Ching. And Chapter 36 of this book got me to thinking, “Y’know, this sounds relevant to a lot of life. Especially relationships.” Which may be why this chapter I have quoted more than any other. It goes like this:

    If you want to shrink something, you must first allow it to expand.
    If you want to get rid of something, you must first allow it to flourish.
    If you want to take something, you must first allow it to be given.
    This is called the subtle perception of the way things are.
    The soft overcomes the hard. The slow overcomes the fast.

    Of course, the first time I read this, it blew my head to smithereens. What the hell does it mean that before you can shrink something, you must allow it to expand? The slow overcomes the fast, the soft overcomes the hard? It’s all paradox! THIS MAKES NO SENSE!!

    Ahh, but it does. Let’s think about this line:

    “If you want to take something, you must first allow it to be given.”

    Let’s say I’m interested in a woman, so I want her phone number. I could just go up to her and say, “Hey, what’s your phone number?” Points for boldness, yes, but with significant room for improvement. Instead, what if I spoke to her for a few minutes, inquired about her thoughts, passions, and values, found her charming and delightful, and then suggested an event — a talk, a concert, a reading — that nicely meshed with her worldview? Then she just might say, “Omigod, that sounds great! I’d love to do that. Here’s my number.” Instead of taking something, I have created the circumstances that make giving that thing to me the most natural thing in the world.

    While we’re on stereotypes, let’s say a woman wants commitment from a guy. She can say, “Hey, where’s my ring?” Or she can create the circumstances such that the man feels supported, strong, 50 feet tall and capable of moving mountains. He’s sitting there, shaking his head, telling his friends, “Man, I can’t believe how good she is to me. What have I done to deserve this? I ain’t never letting this one go.” And that’s when a man’s thinking goes from “I’ve got a good thing going, so heck, I’ll stick around a little longer” to “I need to lock this down now because I’m never gonna find this anywhere else.”

    That, my lovelies, is feminine Goddess Power — the power to make the people around you feel like a trillion bucks. It is the power of devotion. It is real power, because it is always at your disposal and can never be taken away from you.

    This is the thing that makes you irresistible. As in, who the hell in their right mind would want to resist that? “No thank you. I do not want to feel supported, told that I’m the greatest partner in the world, feel like I can move mountains. I’m just gonna go sit in the corner over there and do my best imitation of a neglected garden gnome.”

    Now, Maria, let’s see what’s happening with you. You say he’s devoted and compassionate. You guys have a great time together. And he stood by you during the cancer thing. Sounds like you have a good thing going with a standup guy.

    And yet, you have chosen to strain the relationship. He’s saying things like “you don’t make me feel special to like you used to” and “marriage is from both parties; what’s your contribution to that?”

    Now I understand that you went into this relationship with marriage in mind. And he was on board with that. Cool. Now I’d like you to imagine a conversation he’s having with his best friend about how he finally arrived at the decision to marry you:

    BEST FRIEND: So, what made you decide to pop the question, bro?
    YOUR GUY: You know, she was just… so… demanding. Like, hounding me about it day after day, that I thought to myself, “Wow, that’s so hot. I’d be a fool to let her go.”

    And if you’re having a difficult time imagining this conversation, it’s because it has never happened in the history of mankind. Actually, he’s much more likely to be turning the Janet Jackson question around and saying, “What has she done for me lately?”

    The second issue, which is more subtle, Maria, is that by insisting that he marry you, you’re putting yourself in a no-win situation. It’s possible that your reminders of his not keeping his word will make him feel less trusted and irritate him enough to leave. Then, both parties lose.

    Or he buckles under your demands and proposes. Now you’ve got yourself a man whose masculine essence you can’t really trust, because he hasn’t been true to himself. And if he does marry you, he’s doing it only grudgingly. Once again, both parties lose.

    The third issue is this, Maria: what’s important to you about this marriage thing anyway? I mean, if you really love someone and he loves you back, why do we need to bring the lawyers in? Do they somehow make the party better? Where does this insistence on a piece of paper, a ring of metal on your finger come from? What would having that do for you?

    I can imagine that for two young folks who want to have kids and raise a family together, there are practical aspects of marriage that make it desirable — kids having the same last name, taxes, finances, etc.

    But if you’ve already had a 22-year long marriage and grown kids, what’s important to you about this contract? Is it some kind of hedge against abandonment? Some legitimacy you crave, formalized by the state? What is it?

    I would encourage folks to consult Stephanie Coontz’s excellent Marriage: A History – How Love Conquered Marriage. (ebook and paperback). This whole notion that “if you love me, you will marry me” is a very recent fabrication in the history of mankind, and a potentially pernicious one.

    Because this much I can tell you: none of those shards of paper or metal will protect you against the deterioration of a relationship in which you aren’t showing up as your best, most generous, supporting, loving self.

    This is the age-old conflict between the map and the territory, and how as symbol-binding creatures, we often give preference to the map over the territory, the menu over the food. And then, having chosen the menu over the food, wonder why we’re still hungry.

    It sounds to me, Maria, that you already have the substance of a good relationship: mutual support, shared interest, quality time, and real love. You’ve got the food. However, your insistence on the menu — the marriage certificate — seems to be compromising the relationship.

    So you have two choices here. You can continue to put your foot down and say, “This is what I signed up for, and by golly, this is what I’ll get. True, I’ll be lonely, but I’ll be right and lonely.” The world would have a little less love in it and be slightly impoverished for the decision.

    Or, you can set him free. You can go back to appreciating him, enjoying his company, and making him feel like a zillion bucks. You can say stuff like, “You add so much to my life, and I think I may have been a little misguided in my insistent demands for marriage. It’s true that it’s important to me, but it’s not more important than the relationship we have. And if you arrive at that decision some day, I would welcome it, but I’d prefer that you do it out of your own free will and to find your own reasons to propose if that’s what you want to do.”

    If you do that, you improve the chances that someday, he’ll come around to the decision himself. And if not, you still have the food — the actual relationship — which tastes so much better than the menu, y’know?

    So, to summarize: Devoted is irresistible; demanding is not. When you question your partner’s trust, you’re effectively invalidating his masculine essence, which puts you in a no-win situation. And be careful that you’re not trading real, nourishing tasty food for a tasteless menu made of fake leather.

    Online class vs therapy?

    Dear Dr Ali – I’ve been using love as a drug for some years now, going after guys who were clearly no good for me because I needed the love and validation. I am now considering either going for therapy or signing up for one of your online classes. I’ve almost signed up for your class 100 times. Do you think your program would help me? — Helen

    Excellent question, Helen! I believe you’re referring to Project Irresistible. And if you’re asking me, if i didn’t think it was helpful, I wouldn’t have created it :)

    That said, the class is useful for a few reasons:
    1) It guides you through the exercises in The Tao of Dating. Have you done all of them? Don’t know anyone who has. People often say they read the book in one sitting, but this is a cookbook, for chrissakes. If you want to learn how to cook, you must practice making the recipes. Speed reading ain’t gonna do it. The course puts you through the steps.
    2) It’s self-paced (recommended: 6 weeks), so you have time for the learnings to integrate. I mean, we’re looking to effect fundamental shifts in habits of thought and mind, and that takes time.
    3) As you go through the course, stuff is going to come up. “Hey, why is this exercise so challenging?” “Why am i not comfortable doing this?” “Why does this feel so much better than what i was doing before?” That’s when you stop, pay attention, and go deeper.
    4) The whole thing costs less than a single session of therapy — especially with a $100 off coupon. Use discount code “SPRINGY” to bring the price of Project Irresistible from an already reasonable $247 down to a no-brainer $147 for the first 20 to sign up. After you’ve registered, give me about 24hrs to process your registration and you’re good to go.


    By popular request, I’ll be doing three therapy sessions per week via Skype on Thursdays. Time slots are 1pm, 2.30pm and 4pm Pacific Time. Write to me directly and put “I want a session!” in the subject line, and include your PayPal address. $175 for a 60min session.

    Incidentally, ladies, this is how I make a living — through books, courses and workshops. So when you sign up for these things, get my book, or audiobook, or tell your friends about them, it helps me pay my exorbitant San Francisco rent and to pay Uncle Sam’s impressive tax bill so I can keep writing for you and create solutions for a happier, more fun and fulfilled life. Thanks for your ongoing support!


    Fri, May 6, online – “The New Way to Date” teleseminar series put on by my friend and colleague Alicia Ashley. Free to sign up and listen.

    Mon May 9, San Francisco, 6.30-8.30pm – “This Is How You Heal Yourself: Advanced Techniques for Overcoming Heartbreak, Phobias and Trauma.” I’m excited to bring some new techniques from recent trainings I’ve attended. This is powerful (and fun!) stuff. Location: Downtown San Francisco. $40-$50. Sign up here.

    Thu May 13, Los Angeles, 7pm – “This Is How You Heal Yourself.” Location to be announced — if you know of a good spot, or if you are able to host 15-20 people in your office or living room, esp on the Westside, that would be super useful.

    Sat May 14, Los Angeles, 11am-5pm – I’ll be speaking at TEDx Echo Park: Paradigm Shift. My talk’s called “Happiness Engineering: A New Paradigm for Success.” TEDx events are usually fun, and I know a couple of the other speakers to be pretty cool. I’m scheduled to be the first talk. Tickets are $45 and available here. I’m not necessarily endorsing this event since I’m not putting it on. But do feel free to swing by if you’re local and the topic interests you.



    Continue To Article

  • The shy one, the hottie, and the picky one: NYC women talk about love and dating

    Recently I paid a visit to New York City and got together with some of my readers at the Hudson Hotel for a little chat. A fundraiser by mayoral candidate Bill DeBlasio had taken over the main bar, so we found a bench in the Hudson Common eating area and got down to discussing love, happiness, and guys.

    I like these get-togethers because of how much I learn from hearing the stories of real, live readers. A book by its nature is a one-size-hopes-to-fit-all device. But in person you, my readers, are all different shapes, ages and races, with diverging concerns. Here’s a sampling of what I heard.

    Marci, the shy one

    Take Marci, for example. She said that her issue was that she always ended up being one of the guys. How could she make things take a more romantic turn when she didn’t want to be just friends with a guy?

    At the same time, Clara sitting right next to her had the exact opposite problem. Guys just wanted to hook up with her, and she just couldn’t sort out the good guys from the players.

    And now that I could see them and hear them, I had more information with which to diagnose what the hey was going on.

    Marci’s about 30. By her own admission, she’s shy. She’s wearing an elegant and conservative outfit that covers everything up. She’s tall and big-framed, with an open and friendly smile, so you wouldn’t peg her as being shy. As she speaks, you get a sense that her preferred mode of discourse is friendly formality.

    So why does Marci consistently fall into the friend zone? Because when you’re friendly and formal with people, you’re going to be formal friends with them, not a romantic interest.

    So how do you get out of the friend zone and into the romance zone? Simple: get flirty.

    Up to now, everything about Marci has been proper, linear, safe. The problem is that proper, linear and safe has inspired no man to declare his undying love for a woman. What you need is a little more of the flirty, curvy and dangerous. The idea is to provoke emotion and thought in the man’s body and mind. Every woman has the means to do that.

    In the case of Marci, there are some potential fixes:

    1) Engage in “curvy” conversation. Everyone knows where linear conversation goes: “How’s the weather? How was work? Is your pet better?” Linear = booooring. Ain’t gonna get you anywhere.

    On the other hand, nobody knows where curvy conversation goes. “So, you seeing anyone? Why not, is something wrong with you?” If you deliver that with a smile, a guy will have no idea what you’re up to. Are you giving him a hard time? Are you interested in him? Do you want to set him up with someone? Are you just entertaining yourself?

    Suddenly, conversation with you has become more interesting, because he’s not quite sure what you’re going to come up with next. And because he’s not sure of your intentions, now he’s thinking about you when you’re not around.

    Here’s a secret: when a guy thinks about you when you’re not around, this encodes in his brain as “I must like this girl.” In one smooth move, you have taken residence in the romantic quarter of his brain – or at least romantic-adjacent. Friend zone begone.

    The essence of flirting is a little bit of unpredictability and danger. Curvy conversation accomplishes that.

    2) Show a little more skin. If you want to get out of the friend zone, you want to do things that evoke an emotional response in a guy. One thing that does that is to put to use what your mama gave you and show some skin.

    How much skin is the right amount? Somewhere between Sexy Pirate Nurse Slut Ho Halloween outfit and a burqa, there is a balance. And I read somewhere that that balance is 40%, so we’re going to call this the 40% rule henceforth.

    How do you get to 40%? Simple: use the Rule of Nines, one of the things I remember from medical school:

    • Head: 9% of body surface area
    • Front of torso: 18%
    • Back of torso: 18%
    • Each leg: 18%
    • Each arm: 9%
    • Crotch: 1%
    • Total body surface area = 9 + 18 + 18 + 36 + 18 + 1 = 100%

    So if you expose half of your legs below the knees (18%) and all of your arms (18%), with your face (4%) you’re showing 40% skin. If you’re wearing a backless floor-length dress (18%) with bare arms, that’s also about 40%. To project less sexual energy, show less than 40%. To go on the warpath, go over 40%.

    Clara gets too much attention from the wrong guys

    So Marci needed to get out of her comfort zone and be a little more flirty. Clara, on the other hand, had no issues with the flirty part. She’s 23, short, petite, and wearing a slinky black dress which shows a distracting amount of décolletage (also known as “cleavage”). It’s easy to understand how a lot of guys would be interested in hooking up with her.

    From the outside, this may seem like a high-quality problem: “Oh, boohoo, poor thing, she’s got sooo many guys who are into her.” But a high-quality problem is still a problem. And I’m guessing there’s something not entirely savory about every guy you meet trying to get into your pants. It will probably make you feel objectified and distrustful of men, perhaps shutting you down to their advances. No wonder there are so many really attractive women who remain perennially single.

    Luckily, there is a solution. The way men respond to you has a lot to do with the way you present yourself (see Marci’s case above). Here are some things Clara can do.

    1) Dress more conservatively. I understand that women like to look hot, so they get all decked out in 7-inch Jimmy Choo stiletto murder heels, super-slinky dress and blood-red lipstick, ready to slay all oncomers.

    Well, let me tell you this: it’s not fun being slain. And if you look too hot (there is such a thing), the primary emotion that most men feel around you is FEAR. That’s right: adrenaline kicks in, and what we feel is flight-or-fight. And we become too scared to approach you.

    But there is a subset of guys who are not scared off: players. They see you as a prize, as a challenge, as a contest to be won. And they will approach you. And all the nice guys will stay away.

    In one move, you managed to attract all the jerks and alienate all the nice guys. Nice work. And you wonder why all the guys you meet just want to hook up with you.

    So if you’re already a smoking hottie-pie, tone it down a little. Wear something less provocative, more conservative. Don’t let the floodlight of your sexiness blind the men to all the great qualities of character that you’ve worked so hard to cultivate. That way, something like your soul has a chance to come through. Which brings us to…

    2) Talk to him. If you want to sort for the good guys, you must talk to him. This is how you find out how intelligent he is, how empathetic he is, and what his true intentions are. Drink alcohol only sparingly and gather in a place where you can hear him speak, because this is when you’re gathering critical information about this stranger who might become the father of your children. Liberally ask the magic question, “What’s important to you about that?”, and listen closely as he shares the innermost contents of his soul with you.

    This is also a chance for you to show him that you’ve got a great mind to go with the hot legs. Conversation is the broadband communication system of the human brain, so use it to your advantage to glean and convey important information about your suitability for one another.

    3) Give him a chance. Clara happened to be there with her 21-year old sister, Sara, also single. Both being so young, good-looking, smart and sweet, I wonder if there was something going on invisible to the naked eye that was keeping them from finding a good love match.

    There was: Clara and Sara were both vetoing each other’s dates: “Oh, he’s just not good enough for you.” Well, guess what: if you’re her sister and have known her your whole life and will lay your life down for her, in your book there is no man alive who is good enough for her. Get over it and unless the guys are unemployed and torture baby hamsters for fun, give the poor suckers a chance. And your sister, too. You do want to be an auntie someday, right?

    We are super-susceptible to the opinions of our intimate friends. If one of them says, “Oh, she’s not so pretty” about a woman I like, I can feel my interest instantly dropping a few notches. So it behooves Clara and Sara to refrain from saying mean things about their respective suitors and to stop sabotaging each other’s love lives.

    There’s something slightly sinister about this, too: unconsciously, the sisters are aware that if the other one finds a guy, that means less time spent with her. So yes, it’s very likely that a friend of yours – the one you’re closest to and has the most to lose – has actively sabotaged your interest in a guy in the name of “protecting” you. And she will do it again.

    So if you’re serious about having a relationship with a guy, you need to tell her to knock it off. If a unified chorus of friends tells you a guy is toxic, fine – you should listen. But if it’s one friend who’s consistently pulling you away or poisoning things early on, there just may be ulterior motives at work here.

    Polish girl seeks Indian guy – but why?

    Then there was Patricia, the fiercely intelligent, driven Polish transplant. Her question was about intercultural relationships. Specifically, she found herself attracted to Indian and Pakistani men. However, she wasn’t quite sure how to deal with their traditional mindsets, especially when the parents insisted on a bride within their own ethnicity.

    I’m all for intercultural relationships, but the Polish-Indian axis didn’t make a lot of sense to me. I mean, her true fulfillment depended on just that particular 1% sliver of the population? So I had to ask her: “What’s in it for you, Patricia?” After a while I got a sense that Agatha thrives on challenge: moving to the US; solving difficult problems; taking up a difficult dance style (tango, in this case); and maybe choosing boyfriends with difficult families who wouldn’t let her marry him.

    Remember that fulfillment is not a person, but a set of feelings. Was breaking through the challenge of swaying an Indian guy to marry her over the objections of his parents Patricia’s real fulfillment, or just another habit? Was she in it for the prize or for the joy? I wasn’t familiar with the full back story, but as far as I can tell, there are plenty of guys from all ethnicities out there who could catalyze Patricia’s growth and fulfillment. Especially in a place like New York City, where there are literally millions of interesting folks from all over the world. Perhaps it was time for her to focus on the substance of real companionship and emotional connection rather than an insistence on a particular symbol, of which ethnicity is one.

    Thanks for the ladies who braved the wilds of Manhattan and managed to find me at the Hudson that night. Now that I know how much fun live events are, I’ll be having more of them here in San Francisco and also when I travel. In the comments below, let me know where you abide, and if you can put together a group of 20 or more women, I’ll see what I can do to come visit.

    Continue To Article

  • Pop-Up Teleclass: “How to Be Irresistible” Mon May 27

    Ladies –

    I haven’t had a teleclass for you in a while, so it’s time! I’ve done the “How to Be Irresistible: Love Is in Your Body” workshop live a couple of times, and it was a lot of fun. So now I’m going to do it in teleclass format so all of you who can’t make it to San Francisco can attend. Here’s a sampling of what you’re going to learn:

    • The real power you have in relationships and how to access it
    • The latest research on what love really is, physiologically and neurologically
    • The importance of positive emotions and how to have more of them
    • How to embody love
    • The problem of desire and how to solve it
    • Guided visualizations and meditations to get you feeling these principles in your bones
    This is really more like a highly interactive workshop than me just giving a lecture, so come ready participate and be in a place where you can stand up and move around a little (i.e. not in a car). And yes, I will record it in case you happen to miss it.

    The teleclass will go for about 75 min, with about 15min of Q&A at the end. Here’s the call-in info:

    • WHAT: “How to Be Irresistible” Teleclass
    • WHEN: Mon 27 May 2013, 6pm PT/9pm ET/11am Sydney (on Tue)
    • WHERE: On your phone, when you’re not driving and you’re free to do goofy-looking exercises
    When you sign up, remember to use the 67% off discount code I emailed you! It brings the price down from $75 to $25:

    Catch up with you then and there

    Dr Ali

    Continue To Article

  • How to Be Irresistible: Recording of Talk from 5 Feb 2013

    Ladies –

    As promised, I recorded the workshop I gave on 5 Feb in San Francisco. I recorded it 3 separate ways, and 2 of them experienced technical failure. The following is the backup recording of the whole workshop, all 100 minutes. It’s not edited, because I just switched to a Mac from a PC and don’t know how to twiddle with stuff yet, so feel free to fast forward through the slow spots. Some topics I cover:

    • Loving-Kindness Meditation (metta) and the importance of self-love
    • The problem of desire and wanting stuff, and why it’s a Catch-22 — unless you do this one thing
    • The physiology of love and how you can create it on demand, according to the new book Love 2.0 by Barbara Fredrickson
    • And 30min of provocative Q&A
    [audio:|titles=How to Be Irresistible: Love & Dating for Smart Women]

    How to Be Irresistible: Love & Dating for Smart Women (right-click to download – 40 Mb mp3)

    The following are two downloadable mp3s starting at the 50min mark of the talk — right about when I cover the topic of how to be irresistible. The first one is all lecture; the second is all Q&A.


    BeIrresistible_DrAliBinazir_pt1 (right-click to download)


    BeIrresistible_DrAliBinazir_pt2 (right-click to download)

    Hope you find these useful, and feel free to send them on to friends if you feel they would benefit. Give me your feedback in the comments section so I know what works for you.

    Continue To Article

  • Six Free, Honest and Natural Things That Make Women Irresistibly Sexy

    There are two kinds of things that make a woman sexier in this world: the stuff that costs money, and the stuff that doesn’t. The former work by altering your physical appearance so you seem sexier and more attractive, even though the redness of your lips, the rosiness of your cheeks and the size of your eyes hasn’t fundamentally changed. In a sense, these physical enhancements are dishonest, since they’re a misrepresentation of what’s underlying.

    The second category of things that make you sexier are free, natural and honest, and work with what your mama gave you. Because I’m here to tell you that what your mama gave you is (more…)

    Continue To Article

  • Mailbag: On handling players, touchy questions & how to ask a guy out

    Well well well. After that last ‘Mailbag, Uncensored’ piece that I sent out, I found myself inundated by your letters. Deluged. Flooded. Well, to the extent that bits and bytes can flood an office, that is. Still relatively dry around here.

    Now, of the dozens of letters I got, not one of them adhered to the length guidelines of 5-10 lines. Novellas and full-length sagas all around.

    People! The story doesn’t have to begin in the 5th grade, when little Johnny teased you about your frilly pink shoes and you’re still not over it. Summarize. When you put in the effort to summarize the situation, you actually figure out a lot about what’s going on, what matters and what doesn’t. Otherwise you’re just putting all the onus of figuring out the situation on me, which is not helpful. Same with the perennial “What should I do?” non-question.

    So the new guidelines: explain your situation and formulate your specific question in 250 words or less. Otherwise there’s no human way for me to get to all of them.  Awright, let’s start: (more…)

    Continue To Article

  • The near side and far side of women’s sexual power

    Here’s a great letter from a reader:

    “I just read ‘Orchid Ice Cream’ and have a question. How do you balance the ‘I love sex but I am not a slut’ with a man’s need to be the pursuer and feel like he has won a prize? We all know if it is too easy, he loses interest. And yet, for those of us who love sex as much as any guy, saying “no” can feel like just so much game playing. So how to balance all this, especially if we are reasonably sure he is still having sex with other women as well?” – Dr Judi Bloom

    That, Dr Judi, is a fantastic question, because it’s about that ever-elusive ideal: balance. And if the Tao is about anything at all, it is balance: between light and dark, masculine and feminine, high and low, excess and lack, privation and indulgence.

    In the Tao of Dating for Women, I offer a simple rule: you should only have sex with a man for the first time when you really want to. The corollary to that is that you shouldn’t not have sex when you really want to have it, either. How to balance the two?

    Let’s introduce you to an idea which I’ll call (more…)

    Continue To Article

  • How to stand up to the media’s disrespect of women

    A few days ago, Ashley Judd responded to some ungracious comments in the media about her “puffy face”. Her article is so eloquent, reasoned and right on that every woman and man should read it. Here’s how it starts:

    “The Conversation about women’s bodies exists largely outside of us, while it is also directed at (and marketed to) us, and used to define and control us. The Conversation about women happens everywhere, publicly and privately. We are described and detailed, our faces and bodies analyzed and picked apart, our worth ascertained and ascribed based on the reduction of personhood to simple physical objectification. Our voices, our personhood, our potential, and our accomplishments are regularly minimized and muted… ” Continue reading here


    Continue To Article

  • On amplifying your femininity

    Hi Dr. Ali, I just listened to your interview with Orna and Matthew Walters.  I’m currently separated from my husband and looking for ways to become a more ‘surrendered wife’ and totally sink into my femininity.  Do you have any books or resources you would recommend to help me with that?

    We have had the modern 50/50 type relationship and our polarity is totally flat lined.  We are both willing to put in the work and uncover our natural sexual essences (we’re reading David Deida’s book), and I’m just wanting to do my part to my best ability.

    I would greatly appreciate your input. Thank you! — Heather M.

    Y’know, it’s always a little awkward for me when women ask me for tips on how to be more feminine.  Gladly!  While we’re at it, let me teach some hawks how to fly better, and give some dolphins swimming tips.

    At the same time, I do know what I like, and I have noticed differences between a woman who is super-feminine and one who has not quite mastered that energy.

    So, for starters, I’m going to refer you to a book: The Sensuous Woman by J.  It’s written by a woman in her late 30s-early 40s, of average looks and figure by her own admission, who somehow has every man wrapped around her finger.  She does it by being deeply sensual — taking pleasure in the exercise of her 5 senses. Super-quick read.  If you can get past some of the dated references, there’s some gold in them thar pages.

    If you want to take it to the next level, get Slow Sex by Nicole Daedone.  This book treats the root cause instead of giving you Band-Aid solutions.  Watch the video of her I put up on the blog, and learn the technique.

    As for pointers from this here guy: start wearing more skirts and dresses if you aren’t already.  It’s funny how clothing can just snap you right into one state of mind vs another.  If you were wearing a suit at work, change into (more…)

    Continue To Article