Category: Sexuality

  • Video Mailbag #1: On younger men, sleeping with him too soon, and too much fabulousness

    I asked, and you ladies responded: I am now officially getting more letters than humanly possible to respond to via stylus and parchment, quill and papyrus, and hell, even finger and keyboard. More efficient means of transmitting data need to be invented.

    Oh wait — what’s this you say? Video? I can just record my mug as I say stuff? And upload it for free for the world to see? I love the 20th century!

    Today, I’m addressing three letters: one on whether sleeping too soon with a guy kills his interest; whether or not to date a younger man just for fun; and whether a woman should diminish her fabulousness to make her more approachable to men who just can’t handle it.

    Here’s the video:

    Please like, share, comment, and disseminate worldwide ’cause I want to be as big as Bieber when I grow up. Just kidding! I have no intention of growing up.

    Love, Dr Ali

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  • The Mailbag: On unavailable men, heartache as creative inspiration, cheating, neediness and timing

    I get a lot of letters from you guys (and by ‘guys’, I mean ladies). And if you’ve ever written to me, you know that I almost always write back — unless your letter is 5 feet long, riddled with grammar and spelling mistakes or internet-speak (bcuz it makes U look like a doofus, that’s Y, and I got no time for doofi), or if you don’t put a space after commas and periods, making your letter look like money transfer spam (“My name is Hamilton Adeyemi,from great city of Abuja.I give you 5 trillion$.Please give bank account.”). See? No space after a comma is just Sketchville.

    But usually, I write back. If I don’t answer your question directly, I’ll ask for clarification, such as “Um, there actually wasn’t a question in there – what did you want to ask about?” Some of the really good ones I turn into blog articles. Anonymized, of course.

    But you know what? That can take forever, especially when the perfectionist streak in me wins out and says Oh, it has to be really good, otherwise I can’t put it up.

    As an antidote to this perfectionism, I’m going to put in this post a bunch of mostly unedited, unfiltered exchanges with you, my dear readers. (more…)

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  • The near side and far side of women’s sexual power

    Here’s a great letter from a reader:

    “I just read ‘Orchid Ice Cream’ and have a question. How do you balance the ‘I love sex but I am not a slut’ with a man’s need to be the pursuer and feel like he has won a prize? We all know if it is too easy, he loses interest. And yet, for those of us who love sex as much as any guy, saying “no” can feel like just so much game playing. So how to balance all this, especially if we are reasonably sure he is still having sex with other women as well?” – Dr Judi Bloom

    That, Dr Judi, is a fantastic question, because it’s about that ever-elusive ideal: balance. And if the Tao is about anything at all, it is balance: between light and dark, masculine and feminine, high and low, excess and lack, privation and indulgence.

    In the Tao of Dating for Women, I offer a simple rule: you should only have sex with a man for the first time when you really want to. The corollary to that is that you shouldn’t not have sex when you really want to have it, either. How to balance the two?

    Let’s introduce you to an idea which I’ll call (more…)

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  • Your Friend, the Penis: A User’s Manual

    It has come to my attention that many women, even those who are big fans of the penis, don’t know much about it. Well into their thirties and beyond, they are unfamiliar with its workings, temperaments, likes and dislikes. Not you, of course. But a significant number nonetheless.

    This is not entirely unexpected. There’s not a whole lot of effective sex education that goes on in most countries. Porn movies are terrible teachers. And people think like they think about driving: everyone imagines themselves to be (more…)

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  • Would you like some orchid ice cream?

    Ladies.  Let’s play a game, shall we?

    I invite you to imagine a special kind of ice cream.  It’s orchid-flavored.  It tastes exquisitely good.  Moreover, the deeper you dig into a scoop, the better it tastes.  So much so that the last spoonful is almost orgasmic.

    Not only does orchid ice cream taste good, it also seems to be good for you.  It keeps the body healthy and balanced, and has particularly salubrious effects on the mind.  After a scoop of orchid, you feel refreshed, relaxed and energized at the same time.  And whatever was weighing on your mind before the scoop seems to magically evaporate afterwards.  It’s almost as if you’ve exercised or something.  Oh, and people who regularly eat orchid ice cream sleep better and rarely get depressed.

    There is a catch: you can only order orchid ice cream if you intend to share it.  Luckily, it tastes even better when it’s shared.  Moreover, you forge a lasting bond with the person you share it with.  Some people report having lifetime friendships even from just one scoop!  And the more scoops you share, the stronger the bond.

    Now you may be worried that orchid ice cream is fattening.  But here’s the crazy thing: it’s not!  It even (more…)

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  • The Praise Sandwich and how to deal with Octopus Man

    Hi Dr. A:

    I had a second date with a guy on Sunday that I think I could possibly like–I certainly admire his work and his work ethic. BUT on our second date, we had a make out session but then suddenly he turned into octopus man and actually found out what color bra I was wearing!  I wasn’t prepared for that and now am feeling slightly resentful and guilty and angry and wondering what I did. Yes, I kissed him passionately for minutes at a time. Was that it? Now that it’s done–I won’t see him for a couple of weeks (he’s away working.) That doesn’t bother me (yet.) My question is: How can I tell him I’d like to take things more slowly. I don’t want to cut him lose but he’s moving a little fast.

    What’s the nicest, most encouraging thing I can say to him to get my message across without hurting his feelings or chasing him away–which I don’t want to do. I suppose just being honest about my feelings (in a nice way at the right time) would probably be the way to handle this. Just wondering what you think?

    Thanks from a big fan, Jessica

    Good question, Jess!  Your inuition is correct: tell him that you’d like to take things more slowly — y’know, as opposed to just thinking about telling him.  Communicate!

    For difficult conversations, I like to use the Praise Sandwich: start with praise; say what’s on your mind (usually less pleasant than praise); end with praise.  People tend to remember the first and last items in a list best (primacy and recency are the technical terms), so he’ll leave feeling good about the whole thing.  In the meantime, you deliver your message successfully.

    Also, in the letter it sounds like you’re blaming yourself for his ‘octopus’ behavior.  From here, it sounds like he did it, and it’s probably because he thinks you’re hot, which is a good thing.  Some day you’ll be 90yrs old and wrinkly and wish guys would make passes at you.  Resentment, guilt and anger would be (more…)

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  • The Art of Female Orgasm: Tue 21 June teleseminar with Nicole Daedone

    One of the remarkable people I met at the recent TEDx San Francisco was Nicole Daedone, who told me she was the founder of OneTaste.  I wondered: Is OneTaste a Buddhist organization?  Perhaps a new restaurant, with just one item on the menu?

    Well, sort of.  Nicole teaches orgasm meditation (OM), more infamously known as the 15-minute orgasm.  I realized I had already heard of her through Tim Ferriss’s latest book, The Four Hour Body, in which he declares that Nicole’s teachings “should be required learning for all men.”

    It should also be required learning for all women, especially those who are not having enough orgasms.  That’s pretty much all women. I mean, who can argue with more orgasms?  Exactly.

    Depending on how you approach Nicole’s work, you may find it revolutionary, subversive, kinky, spiritual, life-changing or just plain necessary.  Which is why I’d like you to listen to Nicole and decide for yourself.  Her book is Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm. She’s doing a mini-seminar for you guys free of charge, so write this down in your calendar:

    • Date: Tuesday, 21 June 2011
    • Time: 5pm Pacific, 8pm Eastern, 1am London
    • Call-in number: +1 218 862 1300, code 667202
    • Duration: 45min + 15min Q&A

    If you’re a woman, you obviously want to listen to this.  And if you’re a guy and interested in making women happy, you’ll want to listen to this, too.

    Nicole has taught hundreds of men and women, so she’s gleaned deep insights about male-female dynamics.  In fact, my favorite parts of the book are Chapter 6, ‘What Men Should Know About Women’ and Chapter 7, ‘What Women Should Know About Men’ — ten dead-on insights for each one.  I’ll endeavor to share some of those with you over the next week, and I want you to ask her about them during the call.

    Then & there,


    PS: The interview was fantastic!  Here’s the download link for your listening pleasure: Recording of interview with Nicole Daedone on the Art & Craft of Female Orgasm (15Mb)

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    Categories: Audio Sexuality
  • Sexual dynamics in the 21st century

    This insightful article popped up on Slate last week.  Worth a read:

    Sex Is Cheap

    Why young men have the upper hand in bed, even when they’re failing in life.

    By Mark Regnerus, Posted Friday, Feb. 25, 2011, at 12:23 PM ET

    We keep hearing that young men are failing to adapt to contemporary life. Their financial prospects are impaired—earnings for 25- to 34-year-old men have fallen by 20 percent since 1971. Their college enrollment numbers trail women’s: Only 43 percent of American undergraduates today are men. Last year, women made up the majority of the work force for the first time. And yet there is one area in which men are very much in charge: premarital heterosexual relationships. Continue here

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  • How to stay out of the Friend Zone

    Sometimes you get a letter so damn eloquent that it just requires a substantive response.  This letter’s about the part in the ‘5 Biggest Dating Mistakes of College Men’ post about being exiled to the Friend Zone, aka Justfriendistan:

    Has the most mindful Dr. Ali, in his personal experience with humans of the female persuasion, ever been exiled to Justfriendistan despite intelligent jiu-jitsu reversa-visa framing?

    There was a turbaned woman on the outskirts of Medina with beauty to whip instant sandstorms with a lift of her eyebrow — hazel eyes simmering beneath her veil — and a rich man with many oil wells courted her using the official Dr. Ali (c) reversing-the-framing method. She ignored him. He’s quicksanded in Justfriendistan. Is there no hope? Is there no way out?

    — Tom S.

    Ah yes.  Justfriendistan.  A territory only to be rivaled in inhospitability by the western Sahara, the Atacama desert, and Dante’s Ninth Circle of Hell.  Heck, most guys would rather be on the surface of Mercury getting zapped by cosmic rays than being exiled to Justfriendistan.

    The best way to get out of Justfriendistan is to never get into it in the first place.  It’s a bit facile, I know — “Just don’t get into trouble, stoopid” — but a lot of things in life are like obesity: it’s just really tough to take care of the problem once you’re stuck in it.

    Tough — but not impossible.

    First, let’s talk prevention.  We start with my story. (more…)

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  • Dating Advice for Men: How to Be a Multiorgasmic Man (Video)

    Here’s a little video I made for you to make the case for becoming a multiorgasmic man, including the first basic steps of your training. Check it out, and show signs of life by rating it and commenting on it. And if you like it, share with friends by tweeting it out and posting it to your Facebook profile – thanks for spreading the word!

    Remember that multiorgasmic training is a part of the Metamorphosis Program, the monthlong training to take your love life from where it is to where you want it to be. Free preview teleseminar is this Thursday, 15 Oct at 5.30pm PDT/8.30pm EDT/1.30am London/11.30am Sydney, and the program starts Monday, 19 Oct – sign up for that here. Click here for more info on the Metamorphosis Program.

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