Lately, women have been reporting on the proliferation of a peculiar creature in their neighborhoods. They say it’s hairy, communicates in grunts if at all, is always trying to gain their favor, doesn’t train very well, and tries to hump everything in sight.

Yup – men are everywhere. But we’re not nearly as baffling as we seem once you understand the underlying machinery. As my fortune cookie said last night, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

So, straight out of The Tao of Dating — “the dating bible for smart women” according to my good man and ace dating coach Evan Marc Katz, and the greatest book in the world according to my mom — here’s a little primer on how to understand guys. Whether you’re single or married, this should (more…)

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This is an excerpt straight out of Chapter 5 of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Irresistible.  It’s an addendum to the HuffingtonPost.com article “Which Part of ‘Bad Boy’ Did You Not Understand, Sandra?”

We talked about noticing aspects of your own behavior that are relevant to your fulfillment.  For example, if you’re chronically getting in the way of your own happiness through self-deprecation, that’s useful to know (and, by the way, stop doing that already.  Thanks.).  Equally important is to notice behaviors of potential male companions which bear on your fulfillment.

This section is for those of you who find yourselves occasionally (or serially) involved with bad boys only to regret the episode afterwards.  If you’ve never had a problem with bad boys and  don’t think you ever will, you may also skip this section.  If you like bad boys and can handle them just fine, then skip this section.  If you’ve ever found a bad boy even slightly appealing and think you could someday get involved with one, read on.

There’s something attractive about bad boys, which is why smart women need to be able to spot them before getting involved with one, because (more…)

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I confess: I love smart women. I love it when she can write a sonnet, use Euler’s formula, code Perl, play a concerto, speak half a dozen languages, run a company, quote Chaucer, diagnose diabetes, compose a quartet and converse brilliantly. Especially in a big city like Los Angeles or New York, looks alone do not suffice. I need, nay, require the intellectual engagement, and legions of smart, educated men feel similarly.

So it pains me to no end to see my smart, educated, lovely female friends remain single, alone and lonely in spite of their best efforts. These are amazing women! Surely there is something wrong with the world if they remain single for so long. That’s what compelled me to write The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible.

What compels me to write this article today is a recent trip to the Harvard-Yale Game festivities, reminding me of how smart, educated women routinely sabotage their own chances for (more…)

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The Phoenix rides again. See my comment at the end.– AB

I can’t sleep.

That’s pretty normal for me though.  I have a lot on my mind lately.  Work, life, food (a la cleanse = lack of), etc.  I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  There is Fate, but it generally falls into the overall plan.

Tonight I went to Yoga to fulfill my twice a week goal.  I hate going to the gym at night since it’s packed…mostly with women with full on club make-up and with more intention of being picked up (more…)

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Recently I had the pleasure of reading a very interesting book on the inner workings of the human mind.

It’s by Jonathan Haidt, and it’s called The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom. If you’re fascinated by the science behind how humans tick and how it relates to ancient wisdom, I highly recommend that you read this book.

Haidt mentions that in all cultures, human societies have been organized along two dimensions: hierarchy and closeness/liking. Call one the x-axis, the other the y-axis.

Hierarchy is simple enough: people have status according to their power, title, wealth or fame.

And closeness — what I will call kinship — is also straightforward. Society is organized according to friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances and strangers.

Haidt then introduces a third dimension: a dimension of the divine. All cultures seem to recognize some things as nobler, purer and more divine, and other things as profane and impure. (more…)

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Subject: Approaching a Stranger of Interest

Hallo Dr. Alex,

Such good material. Sorry that I just joined you. If I knew, I could have joind you long ago. But for now Dr, a simple question here:

There is this girl in town I have been looking at for quite some time now (it’s a girl, not a woman, 20 years of age or so). She looks beautiful to me in all departments e.g. behaviours, physically, mentally… yup, so to say. The problem is, this is not my home town, I only came down here for work. So, not so many people know me yet. I mean, this girl does not know me, her friends do not know me and I don’t know them. I only noticed this girl and so, I started looking at her. I have not made her know that I’m interested in her. And I don’t think she took notice of me because I never presented myself upon her yet.

Now, I would like to make a move for this girl. She looks mature and there for taking. Could you please advice me on how to make a move for this girl?? Your opinion and wise words would be appreciated Dr.

Avril

Avril,

Thanks for writing in.  Sun Tzu says in “The Art of War” that the battle is won or lost before the first blow is struck. Seems to me that without really having spoken to this woman, you have already built her up far too much. So this battle is already lost — if you go into it with the mindset that she’s so great (do you really know that?) and somehow you must have her because she’s cute and ‘there for the taking.’ I would recommend going out with a few other women or just speaking to this one with the aim of finding out who she is (vs impressing her, or trying to pull off some trick to ‘get’ her). Once you want her less and know her more, you’ll be in a much better position.

All the best,

Dr Alex

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Wow! I had no idea that there would be such an outpouring of support for Holly from all of the women out there.

Just to bring you up to speed if you’re not one of the subscribers to the women’s newsletter: Holly is my Harvard classmate who was recently divorced and now dating a new guy. Although he was living with her and she was supporting him financially, he wasn’t very nice to her.

It seems like Holly is indeed not alone. And it’s a great reminder of why I wrote The Tao of Dating in the first place.

In spite of all the self-doubt that I had while writing the book, I thought, “Hey. If this book can help even *one* fantastic woman snap out of her sleep and reclaim her power, then the whole exercise will have been worthwhile.” (more…)

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I’ve always said getting married because you’re in love is like buying a car because you’re drunk — making a major life decision when you’re in a state of severely compromised judgment.  The following New York Times article talks about that and brings up some other interesting facts.

In the new issue of Nature, the neuroscientist Larry Young offers a grand unified theory of love. After analyzing the brain chemistry of mammalian pair bonding — and, not incidentally, explaining humans’ peculiar erotic fascination with breasts — Dr. Young predicts that it won’t be long before an unscrupulous suitor could sneak a pharmaceutical love potion into your drink.

That’s the bad news. The not-so-bad news is that you may enjoy this potion if you took it knowingly with the right person. But the really good news, as I see it, is that we might reverse-engineer an anti-love potion, a vaccine preventing you from making an infatuated ass of yourself. Although this love vaccine isn’t mentioned in Dr. Young’s essay, when I raised the prospect he agreed it could also be in the offing.

Read the full story on NYTimes.com

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Today’s email comes from Susan who tends to have trouble picking men who are “right” for her.

Hi there,
Would your book be helpful for a woman to read? I seem to attract relationships with wifebeaters, dopeheads and binge drinkers!!!
They all seem so charming and normal to start with. Is it just me?
Regards,
Susan

(more…)

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