Looks like the ‘What were you thinking, girl?’ post evoked a lot of responses.  Here are some that I got from you:

Dr Alex,

I LOVED this article. I have a wide grin on my face right now and just one word for you: GUILTY. I’ve done most of these things and I’m not proud of them. It makes me think back to earlier this year, I was going with a guy in his late twenties (whereas I just turned 20) and I never returned his calls..and he even remarked that he doesn’t usually get treated like this (he was a quality guy in just about every sense of the word). You can guess where that relationship went…. *sighs*

Over time I’ve realized a lot of my dating/relationship misfortunes have been mostly because of self-sabotage! Can you recommend/write an article for how to end it? I know there are tons of materials out there, but an expert’s recommendation is always appreciated. :)

I look forward to your upcoming blogs and newsletters.

All the best,
Jackie

Thanks for the note, Jackie.  The original title of the article was ‘How to stop being in your twenties.’  Perhaps it wasn’t too bad a title after all, hmmm…

And there there was this one:

Dear Alex,

You make some excellent points, as usual. I would just like to state for the record that there are men who are just as guilty of this as women might be, and nice women who have to put up / decide not to put up with the same poor form from a lot of guys. Just saying.

But I am sure you knew that already and sent out a similar e-mail to the men who e-mail you?

all best and thanks as usual for your encouraging advice about these things…

Nellie  R.=)

Interesting.  Grudgingly accepting, but ever-so-subtly attempting to pass the buck.  And then there was this one:

Ha ha! It’s the other way around. You need to be telling the guys that they need to get back to US. Please, I am always polite to them, to a fault. Then I’m the one who ends up screwed. They think “getting back” to them seems too needy. Gimme a break.

– Bella

No comment necessary on that one.

So in my position as self-appointed big brother/consigliere to the nation of smart, professional, single women (not the worst spot in the world, must say), sometimes I have to be the bearer of not-so-good news.

After all, a good consigliere would tell you if you had ketchup stains on your suit, if your plaid sweater was clashing with your polka dot pants, or if your eyeliner had smudged and made you look like a very thin version of a panda.

In other words, sometimes I have to break it to you that you’re screwing up.  From having written dozens of articles of this nature, by now I have a statistically significant sample of your responses to them.  And the most common one basically goes like this:

“Well, sure, okay, I see your point.  But what about the guys?  They screw up even more.”

Interesting.

To start this discussion, humor me for a moment as we entertain a metaphor.  Let’s call all the unexpected things that can happen in the dating arena ‘the weather.’  In that case, my job is to tell you what kind of weather to expect, and how to respond to it. Kind of like a super-prescient weatherman.

If it’s rainy outside, I would say take an umbrella, wear a raincoat, don some galoshes if it’s really hairy.  If it’s hot, I would say wear linen or something else that’s breathable.  If it’s cold, I’d say dress in layers and wear thermal underwear.  If there’s a hurricane, I’d say stay in your favorite bomb shelter and don’t even think about going out.

Pretty straightforward.  There’s no arguing with the weather — you do what you’ve got to do.

So may I propose that you stop telling me “I’m fine — why don’t you tell the weather to change?”  Because men are like the weather.  Let me re-phrase that by repeating it verbatim, which actually is not a re-phrasing at all but rather an attempt to burn it into your head through sheer dint of repetition:

Men are like the weather.

And can we see that in boldface?  Say hallelujah:

Men are like the weather.

Underlined and in all caps?  Sing it, sistah:

MEN ARE LIKE THE WEATHER.

You can’t change the weather.  And you can’t change men.  However, you can change the way you respond to them.

Here’s an even more important principle that I learned from one of my teachers: when you defend yourself in any way, you have completely blocked the path of growth.  When you say “Sure, but”, you just killed whatever lesson was contained in there.  You’ve made it impossible for yourself to learn.

Gandhi famously said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”  My job is to empower you.  And you have power to work on yourself and make positive changes.

If I were to say that, in order for you to be happy, you need to change Mt Rushmore, 535 Congressmen in D.C., a eucalyptus in Australia or some cute guy you just met, I have disempowered you because those things are not under your control.  You, your mind, and your behavior, on the other hand, are under your control (at least more than anything else).

So take responsibility for your actions (without blaming yourself, of course).  Think of responsibility as the ability to respond.  That’s basically the same as power.  In fact, you’re more empowered when you take responsibility even for the things that clearly he screwed up, because then it brings it into your zone of influence, as opposed to the vast uncontrollable we called the weather.  Defenselessness, openness to feedback, and responsibility will hold you in good stead in your path to authentic happiness and fulfillment in all spheres of your life.

All the best

Dr Alex

PS: FYI, before one of you digs into me and tells me to write this article for the men, too — I have.  Eons ago.  Now go re-read it ’cause clearly you didn’t hear a word I just said :)  And it’s high time you got yourself a copy of the infamous book for women — it does a mind, body and soul good.

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Lately, women have been reporting on the proliferation of a peculiar creature in their neighborhoods. They say it’s hairy, communicates in grunts if at all, is always trying to gain their favor, doesn’t train very well, and tries to hump everything in sight.

Yup – men are everywhere. But we’re not nearly as baffling as we seem once you understand the underlying machinery. As my fortune cookie said last night, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

So, straight out of The Tao of Dating — “the dating bible for smart women” according to my good man and ace dating coach Evan Marc Katz, and the greatest book in the world according to my mom — here’s a little primer on how to understand guys. Whether you’re single or married, this should (more…)

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Greetings from Berlin, one of the greenest cities I’ve ever visited.  My balcony overlooks the tree-filled back yard, and there’s intermittent sunshine coming in through a cloud-dappled sky.

Here’s a letter from one of my readers Susan F. about the article ‘7 Things You Should Always Do On A Date’ (which you can read about here if you don’t know what I’m talking about.

“Hope you had or are having a great time in London. Grateful for the 7 Shoulds below, but I must say these are “it goes without saying” in my dating life.

In your writing, have you touched on WHEN you are doing the basics below, keeping open, complimentary, attentive, etc. – why a man selects not to pursue a woman?”

I have a few dates or a few months with a man and the end result mostly equals “wow, you’ve really got your stuff together”, “you’re strong”, and “your amazing” with a sense of wonderment that draws them to detaching. Just dated a man who hit all of the highlights of what I like in a man except one – available regularly.

The last man I dated and really liked chose to leave our short-term relationship to date a girl for a few months, whereby he ended up coming back to me and share how it was so bad. That he was ‘violated’ (his words) and fighting constantly with this person.

Yet, he still finds it hard to commit to me – initially, he commented ‘I was initimidated by you’ by just being me and then now commenting how he missed my calmness, that I’m not full of anger like others, I’m an angel, beautiful…so on.

What’s the question? Well, why would a successful man who has dated both good and bad women decide not to pursue a good woman like myself? Scared? If so, scared of what? Full of lies? A bad boy in good guy (sheep’s) clothing?

Well, if you have the time I truly appreciate your insight and response.

Thank you,

Susan F., 35, Los Angeles

Thanks for a great letter, Susan.  It reminds me of the three most popular questions I get from women:

1) How do I get him?

2) How do I get him back?

3) What’s he thinking?

This is clearly a #3 question.  And the answer to that question is usually “It doesn’t matter what he’s thinking.”

This is the whole point of being fulfillment-centered.  Fulfillment is a feeling, not a person.

This is one of the key points of The Tao of Dating for Women, which is available for your delectation right now.  In fact, I tackle this whole thing in the first three pages of Chapter 1, which happens to be entitled ‘Dating for Fulfillment.’

So if some guy is not sticking around and is causing you grief because of his contradictory behavior, then clearly he’s not being a catalyst for your fulfillment.  Time to let that one go, as promising as the resume may have looked.

All you can do is to is be the best possible version of yourself.  As Krishna said to Arjuna in the Bhagavad Gita, you are entitled to your labors, but not the fruits of your labors.

In the meantime, I’m hoping that the process of working on being goddess-like is its own reward.  I’m guessing it feels good to be the embodiment of grace, joy, sensuality, and compassion.

Which brings us to the question: are you really doing the best you can?  Are you absolutely embodying the goddess?  Or is there perhaps room for improvement?

In particular, these lines from Susan give me pause:

“I have a few dates or a few months with a man and the end result mostly equals “wow, you’ve really got your stuff together”, “you’re strong”, and “you’re amazing” with a sense of wonderment that draws them to detaching.”

Now I wasn’t there, so I don’t really know what transpired or what these guys actually said.  But it strikes me that they’re saying stuff about her that aren’t related to how she makes them feel.

Think about it: ever heard a guy swoon about a woman and say something like: “Damn, she’s so tidy, I just want to be with her all the time.”

Or: “She’s so career-minded it makes me hot.”

Or: “Her determination just makes me want to eat her up.”

Umm, no.  Not that strength and having your stuff together are bad things.  Au contraire, ma chere – they’re very good things.

They’re just not necessarily the kind of thing that men find attractive – things that make them feel good around you.

Did you touch him with that soft feminine touch of yours on the date?

Did you look straight into his eyes with the look of  “you’re the greatest man in the world” when he was talking about his hobbies, then squeeze his elbow when he was really excited?

Did you ask about all his interests and passions, then listen with full attention without interrupting him when he rambled on?

Did you rub his arm, hand or back?  Did you have an amazing makeout session?  Did you rock his world in the sack?

The point is this: There’s always room for improvement.

Now if you’re making him feel like a million bucks and he still walks off for someone who treats him poorly, is that your problem?  Nosirreebob it’s not.  You’re only responsible for your stupidity, not that of others.

In the meantime, you can still work on being truly irresistible.  Then when Mr Right comes along who can appreciate you for the fine-feathered creature that you are, you’re ready.

So, in summary: let your fulfillment be your guide.  Suspend judgment indefinitely.  And work on yourself in a way that the process is its own reward.

If you’d like more ideas on how to do these things (and a whole lot more), I highly recommend that you get yourself a copy of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible if you haven’t already.  You’ll be glad you did.  In fact, I’m so sure of it that I guarantee it.

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