I confess: I love smart women. I love it when she can write a sonnet, use Euler’s formula, code Perl, play a concerto, speak half a dozen languages, run a company, quote Chaucer, diagnose diabetes, compose a quartet and converse brilliantly. Especially in a big city like Los Angeles or New York, looks alone do not suffice. I need, nay, require the intellectual engagement, and legions of smart, educated men feel similarly.

So it pains me to no end to see my smart, educated, lovely female friends remain single, alone and lonely in spite of their best efforts. These are amazing women! Surely there is something wrong with the world if they remain single for so long. That’s what compelled me to write The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible.

What compels me to write this article today is a recent trip to the Harvard-Yale Game festivities, reminding me of how smart, educated women routinely sabotage their own chances for (more…)

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Greetings from Berlin, one of the greenest cities I’ve ever visited.  My balcony overlooks the tree-filled back yard, and there’s intermittent sunshine coming in through a cloud-dappled sky.

Here’s a letter from one of my readers Susan F. about the article ‘7 Things You Should Always Do On A Date’ (which you can read about here if you don’t know what I’m talking about.

“Hope you had or are having a great time in London. Grateful for the 7 Shoulds below, but I must say these are “it goes without saying” in my dating life.

In your writing, have you touched on WHEN you are doing the basics below, keeping open, complimentary, attentive, etc. – why a man selects not to pursue a woman?”

I have a few dates or a few months with a man and the end result mostly equals “wow, you’ve really got your stuff together”, “you’re strong”, and “your amazing” with a sense of wonderment that draws them to detaching. Just dated a man who hit all of the highlights of what I like in a man except one – available regularly.

The last man I dated and really liked chose to leave our short-term relationship to date a girl for a few months, whereby he ended up coming back to me and share how it was so bad. That he was ‘violated’ (his words) and fighting constantly with this person.

Yet, he still finds it hard to commit to me – initially, he commented ‘I was initimidated by you’ by just being me and then now commenting how he missed my calmness, that I’m not full of anger like others, I’m an angel, beautiful…so on.

What’s the question? Well, why would a successful man who has dated both good and bad women decide not to pursue a good woman like myself? Scared? If so, scared of what? Full of lies? A bad boy in good guy (sheep’s) clothing?

Well, if you have the time I truly appreciate your insight and response.

Thank you,

Susan F., 35, Los Angeles

Thanks for a great letter, Susan.  It reminds me of the three most popular questions I get from women:

1) How do I get him?

2) How do I get him back?

3) What’s he thinking?

This is clearly a #3 question.  And the answer to that question is usually “It doesn’t matter what he’s thinking.”

This is the whole point of being fulfillment-centered.  Fulfillment is a feeling, not a person.

This is one of the key points of The Tao of Dating for Women, which is available for your delectation right now.  In fact, I tackle this whole thing in the first three pages of Chapter 1, which happens to be entitled ‘Dating for Fulfillment.’

So if some guy is not sticking around and is causing you grief because of his contradictory behavior, then clearly he’s not being a catalyst for your fulfillment.  Time to let that one go, as promising as the resume may have looked.

All you can do is to is be the best possible version of yourself.  As Krishna said to Arjuna in the Bhagavad Gita, you are entitled to your labors, but not the fruits of your labors.

In the meantime, I’m hoping that the process of working on being goddess-like is its own reward.  I’m guessing it feels good to be the embodiment of grace, joy, sensuality, and compassion.

Which brings us to the question: are you really doing the best you can?  Are you absolutely embodying the goddess?  Or is there perhaps room for improvement?

In particular, these lines from Susan give me pause:

“I have a few dates or a few months with a man and the end result mostly equals “wow, you’ve really got your stuff together”, “you’re strong”, and “you’re amazing” with a sense of wonderment that draws them to detaching.”

Now I wasn’t there, so I don’t really know what transpired or what these guys actually said.  But it strikes me that they’re saying stuff about her that aren’t related to how she makes them feel.

Think about it: ever heard a guy swoon about a woman and say something like: “Damn, she’s so tidy, I just want to be with her all the time.”

Or: “She’s so career-minded it makes me hot.”

Or: “Her determination just makes me want to eat her up.”

Umm, no.  Not that strength and having your stuff together are bad things.  Au contraire, ma chere – they’re very good things.

They’re just not necessarily the kind of thing that men find attractive – things that make them feel good around you.

Did you touch him with that soft feminine touch of yours on the date?

Did you look straight into his eyes with the look of  “you’re the greatest man in the world” when he was talking about his hobbies, then squeeze his elbow when he was really excited?

Did you ask about all his interests and passions, then listen with full attention without interrupting him when he rambled on?

Did you rub his arm, hand or back?  Did you have an amazing makeout session?  Did you rock his world in the sack?

The point is this: There’s always room for improvement.

Now if you’re making him feel like a million bucks and he still walks off for someone who treats him poorly, is that your problem?  Nosirreebob it’s not.  You’re only responsible for your stupidity, not that of others.

In the meantime, you can still work on being truly irresistible.  Then when Mr Right comes along who can appreciate you for the fine-feathered creature that you are, you’re ready.

So, in summary: let your fulfillment be your guide.  Suspend judgment indefinitely.  And work on yourself in a way that the process is its own reward.

If you’d like more ideas on how to do these things (and a whole lot more), I highly recommend that you get yourself a copy of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible if you haven’t already.  You’ll be glad you did.  In fact, I’m so sure of it that I guarantee it.

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The Phoenix has a new entry up.  I’m so proud of her!  She’s really putting the material to use.  It was my goal to present the material in the book in such a way that the readers would actually implement it, so it’s tremendously gratifying when someone does that.  My hope is that these blog posts can be a catalyst for you, my dear reader sitting at her computer screen, to put the material to use as well.

My comments will be in italics henceforth.

Chapter 2: Who You Really Are

I read this chapter by candlelight while soaking in my tub last Thursday evening. It made such an impact that I have taken a week to marinate in the thoughts and the emotions that those thoughts stirred. I was already coping with the realization that it may not be the men in LA that are the problem, but the problem may just lie (more…)

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This is the first post by The Phoenix as part of The Tao of Dating Experiment.  We’ll be putting up her posts here; you can also follow her postings at taoofdatingexperiment.blogspot.com.

Phoenix

–noun
1. a mythical bird of great beauty fabled to live 500 or 600 years in the Arabian wilderness, to burn itself on a funeral pyre, and to rise from its ashes in the freshness of youth and live through another cycle of years: often an emblem of immortality or of reborn idealism or hope.
2. a person or thing of peerless beauty or excellence; paragon.
3. a person or thing that has become renewed or restored after suffering calamity or apparent annihilation.

How did I get here? Odds are I’m probably a lot like you or someone you know. Female, early 30’s, reside in Los Angeles, California. I think most would consider me reasonably successful given my age (more…)

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This is a reader’s response to the article “How to decipher what men really mean: principles for handling casual relationships.” If you haven’t read it yet, no big deal, but it’s available via the newsletter, which you can subscribe to in the left-hand box over there  <–

Dear Dr. Benzer,

Some helpful and thought-provoking points below. I’m very impressed. I’ve written a few questions in response. Sorta rhetorical but if you have any thoughts, I’d be very interested to hear them….
You say “Now it’s possible that your long-term fulfillment is in having a committed relationship with a man that’s heading towards marriage.”

If fulfillment is a feeling, not an idea, then how do know an idea will really fulfill you – if you’ve never felt it?

Let’s say that filet mignon is marriage, or a committed relationship. How do you know that filet mignon is right for you? You can deduce that you might enjoy it, based on the precedent set by your species in the form of millions of happily married or committed couples eating filet mignon, but until you’ve finally chomped down into that first supposedly succulent bite, how can you know if if that’s what you should be aiming for? I *think* I am very happy eating my Independence-flavored ice cream. BUT it’s hard to fully enjoy it when society tells me I should be trying to get myself some filet mignon.

You also say “But if you *are* cool with dating around and having fun, then go ahead and be cool with it.”

Dating around – traditionally, women aren’t supposed to date/sleep around just for fun. Society tells me, my religion has told me, health reasons tell me, and therefore I tell myself, that I will be a lesser woman if I do this. If you’re going to be marched through the fiery gates of hell for something, best to avoid it. If you’re going to die a miserably death from an STD, best avoid it. If you’re going to be talked about in hushed, sympathetic voices by your friends for being single the rest of your life, best avoid it.

How do I get to a point where I’m ‘cool’ with just dating (does this mean ‘sleeping’ ?) around, when my sources tell me I should want otherwise? I recently ruined a relationship and scared the guy away by trying to force commitment before we were ready for it – I knew we weren’t ready for it, but I asked for exclusivity because that’s what I felt I should do (or…maybe it’s really what I wanted but I don’t want to admit that to myself). In reality, it shouldn’t have mattered – we were both quite enjoying the ice cream…and I ruined the flavor with talk of filet mignon.
- Suzie E. from D.C.

Well, Suzie. Thanks for writing in. Your letter brings up a lot of questions, and I’ll see if I can address each one individually.

You say “Now it’s possible that your long-term fulfillment is in having a committed relationship with a man that’s heading towards marriage.”
If fulfillment is a feeling, not an idea, then how do know an idea will really fulfill you – if you’ve never felt it?

Suzie, that’s very well put, and exactly the point. The only guide for fulfillment is how you feel. Things like companionship, warmth, love, someone to cuddle with, someone to share brunch with — these evoke fulfillment-related feelings. They’re a little different for each person. As the passage said, it’s possible that a long-term committed relationship is fulfilling for you. It’s also possible that it’s not. Find out what works for you. (more…)

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