Is there a science to making better dating decisions?

It’s 5.30pm on Friday night, and you have a date for 8pm. You’re really eager to spend time with this new guy you’ve met. He says he’s made a reservation at the hottest new restaurant in town, and you’ve been anticipating this since Monday when you agreed to go out with him. It’s the highlight of your long week.

You arrive home, put down your handbag and take off your jacket, wondering whether you’re going to wear that red off-the-shoulder number or the more subdued black dress. And shoes – which shoes… when the ringing of your phone interrupts your train of thought. It’s him. He says his boss called him in to help prepare for tomorrow’s client presentation. He cancels on you.

What’s the Right Thing to Do?

If you’ve ever dated, (more…)

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Lately, women have been reporting on the proliferation of a peculiar creature in their neighborhoods. They say it’s hairy, communicates in grunts if at all, is always trying to gain their favor, doesn’t train very well, and tries to hump everything in sight.

Yup – men are everywhere. But we’re not nearly as baffling as we seem once you understand the underlying machinery. As my fortune cookie said last night, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

So, straight out of The Tao of Dating — “the dating bible for smart women” according to my good man and ace dating coach Evan Marc Katz, and the greatest book in the world according to my mom — here’s a little primer on how to understand guys. Whether you’re single or married, this should (more…)

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Awright boys and girls. I’m going to make this quick and I’m going to make this sweet.

In 24hrs, you will have one of the best opportunities for ‘success’ with with the opposite sex, however you define that for yourself. Or at least of meeting someone new.

This is because Thursday, 31 December 2009 is New Year’s Eve. And in every country using the Gregorian calendar, it’s an occasion for serious merrymaking.

In the US, along with Halloween (Oct 31) and Valentine’s Day (Feb 14), it is one of the three best days of the year for meeting someone new.

New Year’s Eve is probably the best of the three aforementioned holidays. Why? ‘Cause everyone gets a ‘get out of jail free’ card for NYE. Engaging in borderline scandalous behavior is exactly what you’re expected to do — it’s like everyone’s in Las Vegas the whole time. And everyone is expected to be kissing someone at the stroke of midnight.

So first, the guide for the ladies: (more…)

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I get many letters like this from readers (both male and female):

“I met this guy, and he took me to dinner, and it was really romantic, but he did/didn’t try to kiss me, then he called/didn’t call back, then he asked/didn’t ask me out again, and what does it all mean is he interested what should I do help help help.”

Now, many of you think I have magical powers. And it’s absolutely true. For example, I can make whole plates of pasta vanish in seconds and order beer in 12 languages.

However, reading the minds of your dates whom I have never seen nor met is not one of those powers. I missed that boat of psychic ability.

Additionally, trying to parse each individual situation for an ultimate answer doesn’t work so well, because there are millions of situations and often no ultimate answer.

However, just a few reliable principles can solve a whole bunch of problems. I’ve found the following five principles pretty handy. They form the backbone of the Tao of Dating book for women and men, and here they are: (more…)

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While we’re on the topic of masculinity, here’s a video from my ‘Transformation Weekend’ seminar I did some time back.  Thanks for all of your positive feedback on it so far — we’re working on making an audio product of the seminar ready.  In the meantime, enjoy the video, and feel free to rate it and comment on it:

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Finally, I’m joining the 21st century and using this whole newfangled video thing.  Thrilling!

This is a topic that is best illustrated visually, since that’s how those pernicious little beasties called fashion magazines inflict their damage. I rant about this in The Tao of Dating for Women fairly extensively — the entire beginning of Chapter 6 on ‘How to Keep a Healthy Diet’, pp 113-123, is about this.

But one good rant deserves another, so here it is:

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Last night, I was at a business networking mixer here in Los Angeles.  As the event winded down, I was talking to these two lovely young ladies — let’s call them Ashley and Sarah — who seemed really preoccupied about a message Ashley was composing on her Blackberry.

They kept on going back and forth, with Sarah editing Ashley — “No, say it this way” — and then Ashley re-editing the edit.

Eagle-eyed professional that I am, I thought, gee, could this possibly be about a boy?  They apologized for ignoring me and sheepishly admitted, yes, it was about a boy — specifically, the one Ashley was dating.  Sorta.

So why was it so hard to compose this message?  “Because he’s being a douche-bag,” Ashley said, rolling her eyes.  I sensed that ‘douche-bag’ was a term of art, so as a scientist I had to figure out exactly what rendered this fellow a douche-bag.

As it turns out, the boy — ‘DB’ henceforth — was being unclear in his intentions.  He said he cared for her but his career came first.  When asked point blank whether he cared for her, he’d offer evasive, non-committal answers like “Well, I’ve been with you 8 months now, haven’t I?”

To this, I told Ashley that I’ve heard a guy say “You are amazing and wonderful; it’s a privilege to be with you and I absolutely adore you” before, and it sounded different from “Gee, well I haven’t run away yet.”

We talked for a while, and the summary of it was that Ashley was clearly unfulfilled in the relationship.  Yet she kept on making excuses for DB.

Why?  She gave two reasons.  First: “It sucks to be single — this way at least I’ve got somebody.” And second: “I just feel great around him when he is around.”

Hmmmm.

Let’s parse the first statement for a moment.  Somehow Ashley’s thinking that mediocre treatment from a guy is better than no treatment at all.

This is a very, very dangerous assumption.  Because it leads you straight down what I call the ladder of compromise.  In the study of organizational behavior, it’s called normalization of deviance.

It goes something like this: a guy does something which you don’t like all that much — maybe shows up late.  You don’t say anything.  So he keeps on showing up late.  Pretty soon, you’re regularly waiting a whole hour for him to show up.

Or say a guy puts you down a little and you don’t complain, because he’s so great in all these other departments.  Your unconscious is always working to avoid cognitive dissonance, so on some deep level it accepts that this is the level of treatment you deserve.

Now your self-esteem is in the toilet, so you think the next guy who comes along who treats you well is crazy and instead glom on to guys who serially treat you like dirt.

What you’ve done is that, little by little, you’ve allowed poor treatment to be okay.  You’ve normalized the deviance.

Ladies (and gentlemen, too) — this is a very pernicious thing.  Once you allow the foot in the door for a little mistreatment, you’re effectively allowing a lot more of it to happen down the road.  Heck, psychologists even have a name for it — the ‘foot in the door technique.’

That’s why you have to practice zero-tolerance when it comes to matters of fulfillment and being treated well.

This is how my smart, beautiful friend Holly (featured in the introduction to The Tao of Dating for Women) ended with a deadbeat who physically abused her.  For 1.5 years.

This is how another very smart, absolutely gorgeous woman ended up with a husband who beat her up routinely — for 12 years.  And is still with him.

Repeat after me: “I will only spend time with people who treat me exceptionally well and make me feel like the queen of the universe.”

Why?  Because you have a duty to the world to be the best possible version of you — so you can shine your light as far and wide as possible.  I’m telling you — the world needs you now more than ever.  So when you let a guy get away with doing something — anything — to diminish that light, you’re shirking your duty to the world.

So henceforth, I want you to practice ruthless compassion for yourself.  Sure, the guy’s cute, and you feel great when he’s around.  But if he’s putting you down instead of lifting you up, it’s time for him to go.  Like, now.

Granted, because of the brew of chemicals in your head and the unconscious compromises you’ve already made, this is a tough thing to do.

You also have to admit that you’ve been wrong — totally, completely wrong.  Your ego hates that.  Get over it, girl — don’t let your ego ruin your life.

Also, notice Ashley’s second reason: “I just feel so good when he is around.”  I’m paraphrasing a bit here, but the way she described it to me was exactly the way a junkie describes a hit of crack or heroin.  Basically, a drug.

There was no description of mutual enrichment, support, deepening of the spirit.  Just a jolt of good feeling, which is the essence of what drugs do — empty euphoria.

Well, guess what ladies — neurophysiologically, guys operate in the exact same way that drugs do.  So he’s not just like a drug — he is a drug.  And just as bad for you.

And we all know how tough it is to get off drugs.

In the interest of making this article eminently practical, this is how you rid your life of the drug of Toxic Dude (or Dudette):

1) Detox.

This means you stay away from him for at least one week — two’s even better.  Going on a trip and having no contact with him is one of the more effective ways.  Technically, it allows your brain to downregulate receptors and adapt to normal chemistry.  Practically, it gets him off your mind.

2) Get help.

Like Odysseus, canvass your compadres to keep you away from toxic dude, since you know you’re too weak to do it yourself (see my post on the Odysseus Protocol).  Listen to them — they often know what’s good for you better than you do.

3) Do better.

Hang out with people who do elevate you and make you feel wonderful, and notice the contrast.  Heck, maybe even go on a date with a nice guy for a change.  It gets a lot harder to go back to instant ramen noodles once you’ve had gourmet pasta.

The other thing that the girls were doing which I found interesting was trying to figure out why DB behaved the way he did.  They spent a lot of time and energy guessing what this meant and that could mean.

And you know what?  It doesn’t matter.  At all.

There’s an old Buddhist parable about a man being shot in the leg with an arrow.  Instead of taking care of the arrow stuck in his leg, he asks, “Who shot the arrow?  Which tribe was he from?  Who’s his father?  What kind of bow was it?”

Umm, dude, newsflash: there’s an arrow in your leg.  Why don’t we take care of that first.

Similarly, the only thing that matters is how well you’re being treated — whether you’re feeling fulfilled or not.  That is your internal compass, and the only criterion that matters.  Don’t worry where the arrow came from.

You have to realize that no man is a complete ogre, so sure — he’s going to have some redeeming qualities. And yeah, you’re not totally nuts, so you hang out with him because it does feel good on some level.

But I urge you to set your standards high, ladies (and guys).  And once you’ve set them, do not tolerate any subpar treatment.  I’m telling you that you deserve the best because it’s absolutely true.  All you have to do is convince yourself that it’s true and live accordingly.

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Last Sunday was Mother’s Day, which reminded me of the Ten Commandments.

That’s because there’s only one measly commandment telling you what to do: ‘honor thy father and thy mother.’ The remaining nine are a relentless barrage of ‘thou shalt nots’, telling you what not to do.

So if you were to follow them to the letter, then every day is Mother’s Day (or Father’s Day), since all you can do is sit in a corner calling mom and telling her how great her tuna casserole is. Unless it’s Saturday, in which case you probably aren’t allowed to do that either. And don’t even think of casually saying hi to a graven image, or worse, coveting your neighbor’s oxen.

So for somebody living in 2009, that Decalogue ain’t all that useful.

At the same time, perhaps there is another realm in which a barrage of negative directives would be useful. Some area in which people are hopelessly, repeatedly, incorrigibly screwing up their own chances.

Ah yes — that would be dating.

I’ve been on the receiving end of enough stories from men and women to notice some consistent patterns of self-sabotage in the mating dance. The good news is that once you know about them, these behaviors are entirely avoidable. Call them the Dating Decalogue, the Ten Commandments of Modern Mating or just common sense — here they are:

1) Thou shalt not flake.

If you like your date at all, it’s crucial that you show up — especially to your first appointment. Besides being tremendously deflating to your date when you cancel, there’s an even deeper reason that has nothing to do with your date and everything to do with you.

Psychologists have found that humans have a perverse tendency to align their thoughts with their actions to avoid cognitive dissonance.

So when you cancel a date or stand someone up even accidentally, something in the back of your head says, (more…)

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This reader brings up a great question:

Hi! Alex,
I have been enjoying your autoresponder updates.  Thank you!  I am grateful that my friend told me about you!

My question is:

When a man uses vulgar language (mainly the “f” word) around me (and we are just getting to know one another), how do I let him know that I would rather not hear that? Sure, I have heard the word a lot in life (I am 56) and even said it myself a few times (usually softly when no one’s around!), but I feel uncomfortable when a guy uses it in front of me…

Thanks and blessings! Maureen from Seattle

Well well.  This is a universal issue, isn’t it.  How do we ask for what we want when it can potentially offend the person we’re asking?  It also comes up when giving unsolicited (but direly needed) advice: for example, how do you tell someone he or she has bad breath?  Or that her boyfriend is a loser and she needs to dump him pronto?

There are a few motives here working at cross-purposes.  One is genuine concern for the friend.  Second (a corollary to the first) is not wanting to hurt the friend’s feelings.  And the third is to get some relief for yourself.

First of all, I’d like to bring to your attention that of the three motives listed above, only one really matters: your genuine concern for your friend.  Number two, namely not wanting to hurt the friend’s feelings, is still part of the fact that you care.

Forget about relief for yourself and instead frame it thus: “If this person continues to have raging halitosis, (more…)

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