I got a great letter recently asking about how to get back the one that got away:

Dr. Ali -

Writing a thank you note after reading a self-help book (in one sitting) isn’t usually my style, but in the spirit of gratitude and non-attachment, I wanted to thank you for The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible. I loved the references to some of my go-to books for wisdom – The Four Agreements (and my personal favorite agreement: take nothing personally) and Gottman’s work in particular. That you read and reference Gottman in particular lends a lot of credibility, beyond just the “oh yeah. I knew that, I just forgot it” passages. I very much needed the reminder of everything you put down and I’ve filled in the margins with my own notes.

My lingering question has to do with recovery… I met someone and had a an amazing first date. Wasn’t clear on what I wanted, slept with him too soon, threw all my reserve out the window, and ended up coming across as needy, which isn’t my usual posture. As much as I’m sure it threw him (I haven’t heard from him since), it threw me twice as hard. Long story short, he didn’t see me at my best. Now that I’ve got my philosophy back, I would like a do-over. Is such a thing possible? If it is, will you either 1) give me a quick rundown on how to see him again – I can handle it once I’ve got a real human to work with rather than stupid texting – or 2) include the above information in the next edition of the book?

Thanks again for the book. It was absolutely what I needed.

Sincerely,

Andrea.

And this is what I said.  Even though the letter was written by a woman, the principles are about being human.  Since guys are also human, it applies to us smelly brutes as well.  Right-click to download:

HowToGetThemBack_DrAliBinazir.mp3 (7.5min)

What are your thoughts?

Best

AB

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Here’s a letter from a reader:

“You said we can change people’s behaviors by holding higher images of them.
I am living with someone who considers us broken up and that he is my ex.  He has fallen in love with someone who lives in Geneva.  I am living with him because at the moment I do not have the money to move.
I love him, and we still have sex.
I want him back in love with me.

Suggestions?  Thank you!”
– Mindy

This is an excellent letter because it opens up so many cans of worms at once. Fine situation to be in for an afternoon of fishing.  Otherwise, the news is less auspicious.

First, allow me to clarify: yes, you can change people’s behaviors by holding them to higher images of themselves.  It may be the only way you can do that.  However, this only works in a consensual setting of an ongoing relationship of trust and mutual respect.

For example, if you walk up to some poorly-dressed person on the street and just start dispensing fashion advice, it’s not likely to go very far.  Whereas the same advice to a friend, child or relative may have an effect.

The second zinger in this letter is the “I love him and we still have sex” part.  All while the boy says he’s in love with someone else and considers the two of them broken up.

This is what I call Big Mac sex.  Big Macs taste pretty good but (more…)

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Here’s a great letter that a reader wrote to me recently. It brings up so many great issues — for younger women, older women, pretty women and women who worry whether they’ll stay pretty:

Hi Dr. Alex,

I’m depressed, bummed (child of 70s) and I need help.  At least I hope you read this…

Some background: I’m from Nashville, an only child, and looking back I realize I did have a charmed background. I’m not rich but my parents gave me what I wanted.

Honestly, I knew I was drop dead gorgeous. And I thought it would last forever.  Now, I’m over 50 – 56, actually. It sounds old to even write it. I’m in Tennessee, did I mention that? Key point — people in the South get married after high school. I’m still attractive but with wrinkles, etc!

So, I’ve been on the dating sites – and I have to admit (more…)

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On Wednesday 15 July 2009, we finally had the much-anticipated reading at the world-infamous LA independent bookstore Book Soup.  It was a full house, and the spirited audience had some fine questions ready for me.  They also took care of the case of prosecco in very short order — impressive.

Here’s a video of the first 40min of the reading.  This is when I lay out the 5 principles of The Tao of Dating (for both men and women).  It starts with a supremely complimentary intro by my friend and colleague Evan Marc Katz, author of an outstanding dating blog and the best dating coach I know for women.  Then I get on my soapbox.  I even get a few laughs — thank god for wine.

I’ll have the full audio of the event ready soon for download — make sure you’re on my mailing list to get that.  In the meantime, check out the video, courtesy of Marc Strassman of etopianews.com:

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I get many letters like this from readers (both male and female):

“I met this guy, and he took me to dinner, and it was really romantic, but he did/didn’t try to kiss me, then he called/didn’t call back, then he asked/didn’t ask me out again, and what does it all mean is he interested what should I do help help help.”

Now, many of you think I have magical powers. And it’s absolutely true. For example, I can make whole plates of pasta vanish in seconds and order beer in 12 languages.

However, reading the minds of your dates whom I have never seen nor met is not one of those powers. I missed that boat of psychic ability.

Additionally, trying to parse each individual situation for an ultimate answer doesn’t work so well, because there are millions of situations and often no ultimate answer.

However, just a few reliable principles can solve a whole bunch of problems. I’ve found the following five principles pretty handy. They form the backbone of the Tao of Dating book for women and men, and here they are: (more…)

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Some of you, my astute readers, already noticed that the dating challenges enumerated in the last article – focusing on careers instead of relationships, expecting to be loved for the wrong reasons, not acting like a sexual being, self-sabotaging and ego identity – are not just specific to smart people.  They’re specific to people.  Smart, successful folks simply get a little extra wallop of them.

Well, that’s nice, you say. Now what are we going to do about it, doc?

So glad you asked.  Let’s take them one-by-one:

1) Make meaningful connection to other human beings a priority.

In Tolstoy’s novella The Death of Ivan Ilyich, a rich Russian judge finds himself on his deathbed at age 45.  He’s spent his whole life doing the ‘right’ things – the right education, job, marriage, neighborhood, social circles.  Yet, on the brink of death, he realizes that his life has been (more…)

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Hey there.  Recently got an interesting letter about a situation that I’m sure many of you have encountered before:

*****LETTER FROM READER*****

Dr. Alex,

I don’t know if you have addressed this before, as I am new to your program. I just met a girl that has been dating a guy for about a month. I really want to steal her away from this guy. I feel like she is in to me.

We were at a party and I made a good impression the first part of the night. She told me I reminded her of a couple of other guys she had dated and her pupils were pretty big. We ended up talking one on one at one point and discovered we lived on the same small street in NYC, pretty random that happening here.

Her boyfriend (French guy) was getting really flustered by our interaction. The French guy was having a party at his house and my ex-girlfriend invited me to join. I have never pulled a jack move like this before and I didn’t tell her I thought she was beautiful or any other type of flirting besides my body language and eye contact. (more…)

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