I got a great letter recently asking about how to get back the one that got away:
Dr. Ali –
Writing a thank you note after reading a self-help book (in one sitting) isn’t usually my style, but in the spirit of gratitude and non-attachment, I wanted to thank you for The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible. I loved the references to some of my go-to books for wisdom – The Four Agreements (and my personal favorite agreement: take nothing personally) and Gottman’s work in particular. That you read and reference Gottman in particular lends a lot of credibility, beyond just the “oh yeah. I knew that, I just forgot it” passages. I very much needed the reminder of everything you put down and I’ve filled in the margins with my own notes.
My lingering question has to do with recovery… I met someone and had a an amazing first date. Wasn’t clear on what I wanted, slept with him too soon, threw all my reserve out the window, and ended up coming across as needy, which isn’t my usual posture. As much as I’m sure it threw him (I haven’t heard from him since), it threw me twice as hard. Long story short, he didn’t see me at my best. Now that I’ve got my philosophy back, I would like a do-over. Is such a thing possible? If it is, will you either 1) give me a quick rundown on how to see him again – I can handle it once I’ve got a real human to work with rather than stupid texting – or 2) include the above information in the next edition of the book?
Thanks again for the book. It was absolutely what I needed.
And this is what I said. Even though the letter was written by a woman, the principles are about being human. Since guys are also human, it applies to us smelly brutes as well. Right-click to download:
What are your thoughts?
Cheers Doc, you hit the nail on the head here. The issue was being needy. Solution: detachment. This would be very hard in practice if you hadn’t pointed out thinking “there’s no one else!” is a losing stance. Unfortunately “one-itis” often blurs reason.
Doc, , thanks : )
Great answers and points. I’m listening to it a few times as I think through my situation.