Here’s a great letter from a reader about a budding romance at work — a very common situation:

I’m a huge fan of the Tao of Dating, (which I’ve read 2x now), and we’ve spoken a couple of times online. I’m writing to you because I’m in a situation that’s mostly great, though a little tricky to navigate; and I’d love to get your take on the matter.

I started at a new full-time job about 6 weeks ago. I’ve met a woman with whom I really get along. We chat online almost all day while at work. I get along with her two female office friends. We all often go to lunch together. She and I make plans during the day to take coffee breaks together. Today we had an office beach party, and she and I ended up spending a lot of the day together. We get along great and gravitate towards one another.

If we didn’t work together, it would almost be a no-brainer. Thing is, we do, and it’s a new job. We made tentative plans to see a movie together next week. I just don’t want to rush anything or force anything. I’m trying not to invest too much into just her, but I find myself thinking about her often. I’m not afraid of being bold…I just feel like timing might be everything in this situation…(?) Any words of wisdom? It would be most appreciated.

I continue to love your work, and I sincerely hope all is well with you.

All the best,
Gabe

My good man Gabe.  Nice to hear from you.  Appreciate the praise.  No need to stop, really — keep it coming :)

Awright, so this romance at work thing may seem like a sticky situation.  You meet someone you like, and you seem to get along.  But then, (more…)

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Lately, women have been reporting on the proliferation of a peculiar creature in their neighborhoods. They say it’s hairy, communicates in grunts if at all, is always trying to gain their favor, doesn’t train very well, and tries to hump everything in sight.

Yup – men are everywhere. But we’re not nearly as baffling as we seem once you understand the underlying machinery. As my fortune cookie said last night, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

So, straight out of The Tao of Dating — “the dating bible for smart women” according to my good man and ace dating coach Evan Marc Katz, and the greatest book in the world according to my mom — here’s a little primer on how to understand guys. Whether you’re single or married, this should (more…)

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This is an excerpt straight out of Chapter 5 of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Irresistible.  It’s an addendum to the HuffingtonPost.com article “Which Part of ‘Bad Boy’ Did You Not Understand, Sandra?”

We talked about noticing aspects of your own behavior that are relevant to your fulfillment.  For example, if you’re chronically getting in the way of your own happiness through self-deprecation, that’s useful to know (and, by the way, stop doing that already.  Thanks.).  Equally important is to notice behaviors of potential male companions which bear on your fulfillment.

This section is for those of you who find yourselves occasionally (or serially) involved with bad boys only to regret the episode afterwards.  If you’ve never had a problem with bad boys and  don’t think you ever will, you may also skip this section.  If you like bad boys and can handle them just fine, then skip this section.  If you’ve ever found a bad boy even slightly appealing and think you could someday get involved with one, read on.

There’s something attractive about bad boys, which is why smart women need to be able to spot them before getting involved with one, because (more…)

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Here’s a letter I got today which really got me thinking:

Hello Dr. Alex;

I recently purchased your book, “The Tao of Dating for Men”, and read through the entire book in two days (could not put it down).  I am going back now to read it in more depth and do the exercises.

First, I wanted to compliment you on “The Tao of Dating for Men” which I just completed. This superb piece of work is not simply a gimmicky how-to-get-laid-quick guide, but a collection of great insights based on psychology, biology, historical accounts, and sociology.

Second, I was hoping to get your feedback on an issue which complicates my ability to employ some of your strategies.  Putting aside all the mistakes I have admittedly made, based on the book, I am more so handicapped by a physical disability which has rendered me legally, but not clinically blind.  I do not drive, but moved from a big city to the suburbs because my wife could drive, got divorced and am stuck with no car.  Daily living is handled by buses, taxis, friends and family.  Dating is a different story – and I find this issue invariably kills me on the first date when I am asked where my car is, and then tell them I took a taxi and then have to admit I don’t drive after the interrogation.

How do I remain in control (‘the buyer’) while being put at such a disadvantage?  Even if things were to progress to a second date (assuming I correctly employ your techniques, and get past the driving issue on the first date), how do I not assume a more passive position to these women if I can’t drive them around? If I am not the one in control, how will I ever succeed in the dating world?

I appreciate any insights you would be willing to offer.

Thank You.

Justin F., Rochester, NY

Glad you wrote in, Justin, and thanks for the kind words. “Superb piece of work”, “a soul-lifting book of staggering genius” and “the greatest book, like, ever” are exactly the kind of understated praise I can respect.  Keep ‘em coming.

Now this one’s a pretty common challenge that comes up.  Actually, it’s the most common one that my readers ask me about: “I have a handicap that cannot be overcome.”  Heck, come to think of it, it may be the only one.  (more…)

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Little known fact: I went to high school in Los Angeles, so I’m kind of from Los Angeles.  So when I found myself back in LA after a long hiatus, it was a bit of a homecoming.  I looked forward to perpetually sunny climes, rollerblading on the boardwalk, and the general openness of the people.  The perceived abundance of friendly, fit women didn’t hurt either.

However, the quality of my love life was worse than it had been in any other city.  For the first two years, I just assumed I had suddenly gotten ugly and stupid.  Then I heard multitudes of other people voicing similar experiences.

Now after six years of being in this town, conducting dating seminars, answering thousands of readers’ letters and writing The Tao of Dating for Women and The Tao of Dating for Men, I’m pretty sure that Los Angeles is a particularly tough city to be single in – perhaps the toughest in the US.  Here are one man’s observations on the challenges of socializing and dating in LA: (more…)

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I confess: I love smart women. I love it when she can write a sonnet, use Euler’s formula, code Perl, play a concerto, speak half a dozen languages, run a company, quote Chaucer, diagnose diabetes, compose a quartet and converse brilliantly. Especially in a big city like Los Angeles or New York, looks alone do not suffice. I need, nay, require the intellectual engagement, and legions of smart, educated men feel similarly.

So it pains me to no end to see my smart, educated, lovely female friends remain single, alone and lonely in spite of their best efforts. These are amazing women! Surely there is something wrong with the world if they remain single for so long. That’s what compelled me to write The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible.

What compels me to write this article today is a recent trip to the Harvard-Yale Game festivities, reminding me of how smart, educated women routinely sabotage their own chances for (more…)

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As you already know, the title of the book for women is The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible.

But what if that just doesn’t suit someone?  What if there’s a woman out there who frankly wants to be resistible?  Well, that’s what this video’s about. At the end of the video, I offer some suggestions for how to be irresistible — y’know, just in case.

I know this one’s going to arouse some controversy, so please — let me know what you think.  Rate it, comment on it, share it via Facebook, and feel free to embed it on your own site if you’ve got one. Here’s the link for sharing purposes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xa8i2PSB0EY

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This video from Riga, Latvia is the first in a series that I made on my trip.  They’re really quick, but if you apply the principle I talk about, you can radically transform your life – I kid thee not.

The idea of projecting love may sound a bit foreign and new-agey at first, but I assure you — the results are real.  And real good!  So check it out, apply it, and let me know you’re alive by rating the video, commenting on it and sharing it with friends.  Also feel free to embed it on your own website:

The power is within you,

Dr Alex

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Recently I’ve been noticing a spate of breakups amongst my female friends.

Just last week I was having dinner with Katie on her birthday.  She was coming off a 6-year relationship with her boyfriend Dustin.  Katie’s 30; he was 41.

You could tell that the breakup was still stinging three months after the fact.  Frankly, I didn’t see why: if a guy’s 41 and still doesn’t marry you after 6 years, he’s clearly the wrong guy for the job – fire him so you can make room for the right one.

But this argument did not wash with Katie.  She still wanted him, because she loooooved him.

Oh really.

Well, I was never really convinced about this Dustin guy anyway.  Y’know why?  Because Katie’s a pretty social person.  She goes to events and parties all the time – in fact, I met her at a party about a year and a half ago

And you know what?  Not once did I see him accompanying her to any of these functions.  I’ve never met Dustin!  To me, he may as well have been a fictional character in a Jane Austen novel.  “Ohh Mr Dustin – how he makes me swoon!”

Yeah, but where the hell is he if not by your side?

And by her side is exactly where he should have been, because Katie’s kind of a babe – tall, sweet and with a smile that melts icebergs.  Only a fool would let a woman like that roam alone.

But I digress.  The point is that I needed to impress upon Katie that this breakup was a Good Thing.

So I asked her, “Well, Katie, on a scale of 1-10, how often did he give you backrubs and how good were they?”

She thought about it for a sec, and said ‘4′.  He didn’t really do much of that at all. My guess is that the 4 was pretty generous.

“And how often did he cook for you?”  That got a 3.

“And how good was the sex – quality and frequency?”  To his credit, that was an 8.

“And how often did he say ‘I love you’ or genuinely appreciate you?”  That was a 5.

“So what you’re telling me, Katie, is that out of a possible 40 points this guy scores a measly 20 – and you still want him because…?”

That got her thinking.

And thus was born the Deadbeat Boyfriend Test, aka the Dude-O-Meter.

As you may know, I wrote The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible partially out of the frustration of seeing so many of my fabulous female friends who were dating duds, not dudes.

I just get sick and tired of that – and it’s still happening all around me.  Heck, it could even be you that it’s happening to.

So here are some signs that you’re in a relationship with a dud:

1. You often find yourself making excuses for his behavior, either to others or to yourself:

“Oh, but he’s really busy at work.”
“Oh, he’s just like that.”
“Boys will be boys.”

You know what I’m talking about?  You definitely know what I’m talking about.

2. You are doing most of the calling, initiating of contact and making of plans.  As in all of it.  He’ll do stuff with you if you prompt him, but otherwise it’s on you.

Love is action — especially for a guy.  What kind of action is he taking to seek you out and demonstrate that he values you?

3. He’s not with you when you’re out at various social events, and many of your friends haven’t met him.

4. Most (or all of your friends) quietly or vociferously disapprove of him, and you’re often saying things like, “But you don’t know him like I know him.”

Yeah, if they did, they’d all be running for the hills.  Your friends care for you and see things more clearly than you do, so listen to them.

5. He has said something mean-spirited and nasty to you at any point in time.

You may think that this is okay if it’s happened rarely.  But you have to understand that in good relationships, this never happens.  Not once in 5 decades.  That’s the standard you should be comparing to.

6. He has ever raised his voice with you.

Again, there’s no place for this in a trusting, loving, supportive relationship.

7. He has ever hit you.

I’d like to make it clear that if items 5-7 have happened EVEN ONCE – and I really do mean even just once – you have a duty to yourself, to your friends, to your family and to the world to get out of this relationship, like, now.  Immediately.  Pronto.  No delay, no time to deliberate about it.  This is an emergency.  If you’re having a hard time doing it, get some help.

Items 1-4 are pretty clear warning signs that you are wasting your life on this guy.

The problem isn’t that the guy you’re with is necessarily an ogre but that there’s so much left to be desired.  It’s like you’ve been eating at Subway every day and thinking, “Well, this is alright – what do I have to complain about?”

Darlin’- the problem is that alright is simply not good enough (cue Sarah MacLachlan song).  I want you to go for amazing.  For the kind of guy who sees the goddess in you every day and is a catalyst for your becoming the best version of yourself.

(Of course, ideally, you’re doing the same for him – right?  You lead with love and offer it first.  We’re assuming that you’ve read my book and gotten your own house in order first, offering amazingness so you can receive amazingness :)

So the point is this:

Since most women are ‘nice’, they’re not very assertive when it comes to asking for what they want, even when they’re not fulfilled.  So they’ll stay in a relationship as long as there’s not something grossly wrong with it.

They also have a scarcity mindset, thinking, “I know he’s a lout and a dud, but if I let him go, then I’m all alone – aiiieeeeeee…”  Well, call me crazy, but I just like to think that among the 3.2 billion (BILLION!) dudes out there, you can do one better.  And if you’re better off alone, that’s what you should be instead of being with him.

Sometimes it takes a catastrophic event to shake her up and realize they’re wasting their time (which is the stuff life is made of, incidentally).  Sometimes it takes a caring friend determined to wake her up.  Sometimes it takes a random guy reaching out of the ether of the internet with a wake-up call in the shape of an email.

If this article resonates with you, I wish you courage in taking decisive action.

And just for kicks, why don’t you apply the Deadbeat Boyfriend Test to your current squeeze and see how he does.

Oh, and if you have a friend with a questionable boyfriend, you definitely want to do it for her.  It may not be entirely scientific, but there’s a more than a grain of truth in it.

I mean, if he’s getting a low score, why isn’t he cooking for you and giving you backrubs?  Why is he miserable in the sack?  Whether it’s because you’re not doing your homework either or that he’s not that kind of dude, there’s a lesson worth learning here.

So here are the 4 questions of the Deadbeat Boyfriend Test, scored on a scale of 0-10, ten being the highest rating:

1. How often does he give you backrubs?  Rate on frequency and quality.

Backrub is a general idea.  The idea is that he likes to serve you and make you feel great.

2. How often does he cook for you?  Rate on frequency and quality.

If he’s really not the cooking type (which is most guys), taking you out to dinner is an acceptable substitute – he can get a max score of 7 on that.

3. How satisfied are you with the sex?

4. How often does he tell you he loves you or otherwise lavish you with praise?

Until we have more scientific guidelines, here’s what I suggest:

Score of 34-40: A keeper!  Good job.  Now make him feel like the man he’s always wanted to be, and he’ll never leave you.

Score of 29-33: Ok, so this guy has potential but needs some brushing up.  Maybe he’s gotten too caught up in work, or maybe he just needs some encouragement from you.  Give him some hints and see if he rises to the occasion.

Score of 25-28: This is borderline.  Neglect has already become a habit here, and unless he really steps up and starts making you a priority in his life, not an option, you need to dump his ass in about a week.

Score less than 25: Dump him. This is not a decision that needs to be delayed or regretted.  Why?  Because you deserve better, that’s why.  It’s not about him – it’s about you.  And my job is to make sure you’re happy and fulfilled.

Now that you’ve read that, I have a favor to ask you: were you in a bad situation at some point, and if you were, how did you get out of it?  I’ve found that these case studies are tremendously useful for others to read, so please share.  Either send them via email, or post them as a comment on the blog.

The power is within you

Dr Alex

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On Wednesday 15 July 2009, we finally had the much-anticipated reading at the world-infamous LA independent bookstore Book Soup.  It was a full house, and the spirited audience had some fine questions ready for me.  They also took care of the case of prosecco in very short order — impressive.

Here’s a video of the first 40min of the reading.  This is when I lay out the 5 principles of The Tao of Dating (for both men and women).  It starts with a supremely complimentary intro by my friend and colleague Evan Marc Katz, author of an outstanding dating blog and the best dating coach I know for women.  Then I get on my soapbox.  I even get a few laughs — thank god for wine.

I’ll have the full audio of the event ready soon for download — make sure you’re on my mailing list to get that.  In the meantime, check out the video, courtesy of Marc Strassman of etopianews.com:

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