Here’s a great letter from a reader about a budding romance at work — a very common situation:

I’m a huge fan of the Tao of Dating, (which I’ve read 2x now), and we’ve spoken a couple of times online. I’m writing to you because I’m in a situation that’s mostly great, though a little tricky to navigate; and I’d love to get your take on the matter.

I started at a new full-time job about 6 weeks ago. I’ve met a woman with whom I really get along. We chat online almost all day while at work. I get along with her two female office friends. We all often go to lunch together. She and I make plans during the day to take coffee breaks together. Today we had an office beach party, and she and I ended up spending a lot of the day together. We get along great and gravitate towards one another.

If we didn’t work together, it would almost be a no-brainer. Thing is, we do, and it’s a new job. We made tentative plans to see a movie together next week. I just don’t want to rush anything or force anything. I’m trying not to invest too much into just her, but I find myself thinking about her often. I’m not afraid of being bold…I just feel like timing might be everything in this situation…(?) Any words of wisdom? It would be most appreciated.

I continue to love your work, and I sincerely hope all is well with you.

All the best,
Gabe

My good man Gabe.  Nice to hear from you.  Appreciate the praise.  No need to stop, really — keep it coming :)

Awright, so this romance at work thing may seem like a sticky situation.  You meet someone you like, and you seem to get along.  But then, (more…)

Continue reading →

Gentlemen.  It’s been a while since I wrote a proper article just for you.  As my original supporters, I would like to thank you for getting me in this fine mess — I think.  And, to be fair, this information applies to women as well, so all the ladies have my blessing to read this, too.  It’s just that they have these skills innately, whereas men have to learn them.  Now let’s get down to business.

If you took any biology classes in high school or college, you came across the central dogma of molecular biology.  In its simplest form, it says that in a cell, information flows from DNA to RNA to protein.

This article’s not going to be about molecular biology.  It’s about courtship, your love life, your intimate relations with women.  For lack of a better word, I use dating as an umbrella term for the set of interactions in this realm.

Like the central dogma of molecular biology, the central dogma of dating is the one principle from which everything else radiates.

That said, here’s the central dogma of dating as I see it today.  As TS Eliot said in Prufrock, “In a minute there is time/ For decisions and revisions that a minute will reverse,” so I reserve the right to change my mind tomorrow:

In a dyad, the physiology of one person, the regulator, predominantly affects the physiology of the other, the regulated.   The regulator achieves his or her outcome in the  interaction more often than the regulated.

Put more succinctly: if you want to win, be the regulator.

Now let’s make sense of this.  Dyad is merely a fancy term for a couple, just two people.  People are influencing each other’s physiology all the time, subtly and overtly.  In fact, our mirror neurons tune into the physiology of other people and synchronize with them.  Experiments show that people in rapport tend to match each other’s heart rate, breathing rate and blood pressure.  Wild stuff.

Of course, if this is happening, you have to ask yourself, “Who’s following whom?”  Who’s the leader, the regulator, and who’s being regulated?

Ah.  Entire books have been written about this, my friend.  Turns out that if you go talk to your boss, or any male higher-ranking than yourself, you will unconsciously raise or lower your vocal register to match his.  Like other primates, humans have dominance hierarchies, and we physiologically respond to them.

So if you’re with a woman, you have a choice of being either the regulator or the regulated.  When you’re the regulator, you have power.  The interaction is much more likely to go your way. When you’re the regulated, you’re toast.  She owns you.

For example, let’s say you meet a woman whom you find dazzlingly attractive.  When her image hits your retina, your body starts to respond to her presence within seconds: increased heart rate, blood pressure and breathing rate and cutaneous sweating; dilated pupils; increased blood flow to your nether regions.  And she hasn’t even opened her mouth.

Game, set, match.  You’ve already lost.  As Sun Tzu said in The Art of War: “The battle is won or lost before the first blow is struck.”

But let’s say you’re a standup comic.  And you’re good — Dane Cook good, Chris Rock good.  There’s a roomful of people, but you’re so concentrated on the task at hand you don’t get distracted by the numerous hotties in the audience.  And as you start delivering your routine, the room starts to respond to you.  They laugh, they gasp, they double over with laughter.  You are the regulator.  You are playing the room like it’s some kind of instrument.

Do you think Dane Cook gets laid?  I’m guessing he does okay.  Other performers also do well with the ladies: actors, musicians, dancers, athletes.  They’re basically mass regulators, making the women feel stuff.

So think back to all the relationships you’ve had.  Do you remember how they started?  Did you succeed when you were the regulator or the regulated?  When you had power in the relationship, were you the regulator or the regulated?

Or, think about your friends and family.  Your parents even.  Who’s regulating?  Who’s regulated?  Who’s got power?  A pattern should be emerging by now.

Good partners in a relationship regulate one another towards homeostatic states.  That’s what’s known as love.  Bad partners regulate each other towards having greater power for themselves.

So what do we do with this?  How can this principle help you have greater success in your love life?  How do you get to be the regulator?  This is all new for me, too, so here are some ideas I’ve come up with:

1) Be a powerful man. If you’re a billionaire, senator, certified hunk, silly tall, star professional athlete or big-shot CEO, you will have regulator (aka dominant) physiology.  Almost everyone will accede power to you before you even ask for it, so you don’t have to do much.

Unfortunately, ‘go be a 7ft tall billionaire senator’ is not really useful advice.  So…

2) Learn to regulate your own physiology. You know who’s not afraid of powerful men?  Buddhist monks who meditate a lot.  They have achieved supreme control over their own physiology, so outside events don’t affect them all that much, even it’s a meeting with the President of the US.

You don’t have to retreat to a monastery to achieve that kind of control over your own physiology — that would pretty much shut down your love life, which is not you were signing up for.  However, you can engage in meditation, yoga, self-hypnosis and other practices that give you greater control over your mind and body.

3) Be compelling. In The Tao of Dating: The Thinking Man’s Enlightened Guide to Success with Women, my #1 bit of advice for creating attraction with women was to be compelling.  That means people are compelled to respond to you in your presence.  You are not a potted plant — you make stuff happen.

Turns it this was just a way of expressing the concept of being the regulator.  When you’re compelling, you’re regulating the physiology of those around you.  Some of the methods for being compelling that I mention in the ebook: excellence, mystery, outlandishness, attention, and fun.

If you can’t be a rock star, you can do a magic trick, recite a poem, cook a mouthwatering meal or tell a good joke.  There are many ways to be compelling that are fully within reach.

4) Have a strong outcome. I know plenty of powerful men who flail miserably with women.  Partially, this is because they don’t recognize their own power — they were wimpy for so long they never learned how to snap out of it.

But part of it is that they don’t have a strong outcome.  Now that you’ve learned how to be a regulator, how are you going to change her physiology?

If you capture her attention but just talk about intellectual stuff or engage in small talk, chances are there will be no smoochy-smoochy, buddy.  You need to steer her physiology towards your outcome.  If you don’t have an outcome, that’s what you’ll get 100% of the time — nothing.  Having an outcome doesn’t guarantee achieving it — to paraphrase the Bhagavad Gita, you’re entitled to your actions, not the results of your actions.  And being too attached to the outcome is counterproductive.  But without an outcome, you’re pretty much lost.  Have an outcome.

So there it is, my friends.  If you’d like to be successful with women, the first step is to manage your state around them.  The second step is to learn how to manage her state and move it closer to your outcome.  The ladies, especially the good-looking ones, have a built-in advantage in this realm, so do your homework, gentlemen.

Continue reading →

Some wise person (and wiseguy) once said, “We have found the enemy, and it is us.”

I first heard that when I was a teenager, and frankly it made no sense.

Then I heard it again after studying some Eastern philosophy, and I thought, “Yes, that is profound indeed.”

Now after really getting into Eastern wisdom and understanding it at a feeling level and not just an intellectual level, it doesn’t make sense anymore.

That’s because the enemy is inside you, but it’s not you. The enemy is (more…)

Continue reading →

Here’s a letter I got today which really got me thinking:

Hello Dr. Alex;

I recently purchased your book, “The Tao of Dating for Men”, and read through the entire book in two days (could not put it down).  I am going back now to read it in more depth and do the exercises.

First, I wanted to compliment you on “The Tao of Dating for Men” which I just completed. This superb piece of work is not simply a gimmicky how-to-get-laid-quick guide, but a collection of great insights based on psychology, biology, historical accounts, and sociology.

Second, I was hoping to get your feedback on an issue which complicates my ability to employ some of your strategies.  Putting aside all the mistakes I have admittedly made, based on the book, I am more so handicapped by a physical disability which has rendered me legally, but not clinically blind.  I do not drive, but moved from a big city to the suburbs because my wife could drive, got divorced and am stuck with no car.  Daily living is handled by buses, taxis, friends and family.  Dating is a different story – and I find this issue invariably kills me on the first date when I am asked where my car is, and then tell them I took a taxi and then have to admit I don’t drive after the interrogation.

How do I remain in control (‘the buyer’) while being put at such a disadvantage?  Even if things were to progress to a second date (assuming I correctly employ your techniques, and get past the driving issue on the first date), how do I not assume a more passive position to these women if I can’t drive them around? If I am not the one in control, how will I ever succeed in the dating world?

I appreciate any insights you would be willing to offer.

Thank You.

Justin F., Rochester, NY

Glad you wrote in, Justin, and thanks for the kind words. “Superb piece of work”, “a soul-lifting book of staggering genius” and “the greatest book, like, ever” are exactly the kind of understated praise I can respect.  Keep ‘em coming.

Now this one’s a pretty common challenge that comes up.  Actually, it’s the most common one that my readers ask me about: “I have a handicap that cannot be overcome.”  Heck, come to think of it, it may be the only one.  (more…)

Continue reading →

Little known fact: I went to high school in Los Angeles, so I’m kind of from Los Angeles.  So when I found myself back in LA after a long hiatus, it was a bit of a homecoming.  I looked forward to perpetually sunny climes, rollerblading on the boardwalk, and the general openness of the people.  The perceived abundance of friendly, fit women didn’t hurt either.

However, the quality of my love life was worse than it had been in any other city.  For the first two years, I just assumed I had suddenly gotten ugly and stupid.  Then I heard multitudes of other people voicing similar experiences.

Now after six years of being in this town, conducting dating seminars, answering thousands of readers’ letters and writing The Tao of Dating for Women and The Tao of Dating for Men, I’m pretty sure that Los Angeles is a particularly tough city to be single in – perhaps the toughest in the US.  Here are one man’s observations on the challenges of socializing and dating in LA: (more…)

Continue reading →

I confess: I love smart women. I love it when she can write a sonnet, use Euler’s formula, code Perl, play a concerto, speak half a dozen languages, run a company, quote Chaucer, diagnose diabetes, compose a quartet and converse brilliantly. Especially in a big city like Los Angeles or New York, looks alone do not suffice. I need, nay, require the intellectual engagement, and legions of smart, educated men feel similarly.

So it pains me to no end to see my smart, educated, lovely female friends remain single, alone and lonely in spite of their best efforts. These are amazing women! Surely there is something wrong with the world if they remain single for so long. That’s what compelled me to write The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible.

What compels me to write this article today is a recent trip to the Harvard-Yale Game festivities, reminding me of how smart, educated women routinely sabotage their own chances for (more…)

Continue reading →

This video from Riga, Latvia is the first in a series that I made on my trip.  They’re really quick, but if you apply the principle I talk about, you can radically transform your life – I kid thee not.

The idea of projecting love may sound a bit foreign and new-agey at first, but I assure you — the results are real.  And real good!  So check it out, apply it, and let me know you’re alive by rating the video, commenting on it and sharing it with friends.  Also feel free to embed it on your own website:

The power is within you,

Dr Alex

Continue reading →