Why the Pill may be secretly messing up your love life
A year after the 50th anniversary of the Pill, it thrills me that the news of women’s progress keeps coming. As of 2008, 57% of college graduates are women, and 26% of wives now out-earn their husbands. It’s not farfetched to say the Pill has been instrumental in making it possible for women today to head major corporations, run the world’s #1 university, and lead its fourth-largest economic power.
But have the overwhelming benefits of the Pill also harbored a subtle downside, especially when it comes to women’s love lives?
One of the central tenets of Taoist philosophy is the complementarity of opposites. The principle manifests itself everywhere from elementary particle physics to human relations. Electrons balance protons. Sunlight creates shade. Yin balances yang. To every positive trait, there is a shadow. No coin can have only one side.
In short, there is no unalloyed boon in the world. And the Pill may have been secretly messing with the love lives of smart, successful women for 50 years in at least three ways:
1) The Pill may make you pick guys you normally wouldn’t be attracted to.
In a 2003 paper, researcher Tony Little of St Andrew’s University and colleagues found that taking the Pill may be encouraging women to ‘have relationships with inappropriate men.’
Are we talking about men who eat their steak with a salad fork or maybe something more serious?
Let me explain. Women on the pill were (more…)
“Is the universe screwing with me?”: The Old Flame question
Dr. Alex,I have a question. Last week I saw a guy that I was pretty much in love with 20 years ago. My first love and hard crush. I haven’t seen him for years and saw him at Chipotle randomly one night. Was that just the universe screwing with me or do you think that means something? Of course I was still attracted to him.Thank you.– Adrienne, New York City
2) Include your name, age, city and occupation. Puts it all in context and helps readers relate to your situation.
3) Make sure there’s a meaningful question in there you want answered!
Adrienne dear – you were doing reasonably well, but let’s examine your question again:
Was that just the universe screwing with me or do you think that means something?
Now I could just be cheeky and answer this with a ‘Yes.’ Or a ‘No.’ I could even explain that cheeky answer with further cheeky explanation. Just like in the fifth grade, silly questions tend to beget silly answers.
Instead, I will address what I think your real question is. Namely, “What course of action should I take? Would it be wrong to seek out this guy’s company and see what happens?”
To which I would say: of course you should hang out with this guy. He’s your first love from 20 years ago! You should at least give him a chance as much as the next guy. It might even be fun.
However, please proceed with caution, and be sure to do the same amount of due diligence as you would with a complete stranger.
Neurological patterns tend to persist over time, which is why you’re still having a pretty strong reaction to this guy even though it’s been 20 years since your crush. This means that you are extra-susceptible when it comes to him.
Extra-susceptible means you have to be extra-cautious. Because of your history, you are much more likely to bypass rationality and do something silly.
Like jump into bed with him too soon. Or declare your undying love before the time is ripe. Or get attached and needy. So: proceed – with caution.
As far as the answer to your philosophical question — “Is the universe screwing with me” – the answer to that is usually yes. Enjoy it, flow with it, don’t fight it, don’t overthink it. That’s the essence of the Tao.
9 Deadly Online Dating Profile Mistakes You Can Avoid Easily
As you know from reading The Tao of Dating for Women, I’m not a huge fan of online dating — face-to-face is the way to go. However, on the heels of a friend’s success story — “Omigod, I met my fiance online! You should totally try it!” — I make an ill-advised annual foray into the e-swamps of eHarmony, take a whiff of the strange brew of Chemistry.com, or do something stupid on OKcupid. All in the name of education and research for you, of course. And then, properly chastened, I go back to the low-tech system of meeting real human beings in real time, until enough time elapses that I forget the unpleasantness and give it another whirl.
What I have learned from my month on this one site is that instead of facilitating the meeting of kindred spirits, how many barriers online dating introduces to humans simply connecting. So if you must be online, or you’ve already plunked down for a 3-month deal and it’s too late to cancel so let’s just see where this goes, here are some mistakes you can avoid very easily.
Caveat: I’m writing from the point of view of the guy, so I’m going to be super-blunt here. In fact, chances are very good you won’t like some of what I have to say. So even if you think what I say is petty, silly, stupid, prejudiced, remember: this is how lots of guys think. Even the really good ones. So if you want one of them in your life, (more…)
Better Dating Decisions Through Game Theory
Is there a science to making better dating decisions?
It’s 5.30pm on Friday night, and you have a date for 8pm. You’re really eager to spend time with this new guy you’ve met. He says he’s made a reservation at the hottest new restaurant in town, and you’ve been anticipating this since Monday when you agreed to go out with him. It’s the highlight of your long week.
You arrive home, put down your handbag and take off your jacket, wondering whether you’re going to wear that red off-the-shoulder number or the more subdued black dress. And shoes – which shoes… when the ringing of your phone interrupts your train of thought. It’s him. He says his boss called him in to help prepare for tomorrow’s client presentation. He cancels on you.
What’s the Right Thing to Do?
If you’ve ever dated, (more…)
The Quick Guide for Getting Guys: How Smart Women Can Understand Men
Lately, women have been reporting on the proliferation of a peculiar creature in their neighborhoods. They say it’s hairy, communicates in grunts if at all, is always trying to gain their favor, doesn’t train very well, and tries to hump everything in sight.
Yup – men are everywhere. But we’re not nearly as baffling as we seem once you understand the underlying machinery. As my fortune cookie said last night, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
So, straight out of The Tao of Dating — “the dating bible for smart women” according to my good man and ace dating coach Evan Marc Katz, and the greatest book in the world according to my mom — here’s a little primer on how to understand guys. Whether you’re single or married, this should (more…)
On Bad Boys and How to Spot Them
This is an excerpt straight out of Chapter 5 of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Irresistible. It’s an addendum to the HuffingtonPost.com article “Which Part of ‘Bad Boy’ Did You Not Understand, Sandra?”
We talked about noticing aspects of your own behavior that are relevant to your fulfillment. For example, if you’re chronically getting in the way of your own happiness through self-deprecation, that’s useful to know (and, by the way, stop doing that already. Thanks.). Equally important is to notice behaviors of potential male companions which bear on your fulfillment.
This section is for those of you who find yourselves occasionally (or serially) involved with bad boys only to regret the episode afterwards. If you’ve never had a problem with bad boys and don’t think you ever will, you may also skip this section. If you like bad boys and can handle them just fine, then skip this section. If you’ve ever found a bad boy even slightly appealing and think you could someday get involved with one, read on.
There’s something attractive about bad boys, which is why smart women need to be able to spot them before getting involved with one, because (more…)
What’s Your Excuse? Transform Shortcomings into Unfair Advantages in Two Steps
Here’s a letter I got today which really got me thinking:
Hello Dr. Alex;
I recently purchased your book, “The Tao of Dating for Men”, and read through the entire book in two days (could not put it down). I am going back now to read it in more depth and do the exercises.
First, I wanted to compliment you on “The Tao of Dating for Men” which I just completed. This superb piece of work is not simply a gimmicky how-to-get-laid-quick guide, but a collection of great insights based on psychology, biology, historical accounts, and sociology.
Second, I was hoping to get your feedback on an issue which complicates my ability to employ some of your strategies. Putting aside all the mistakes I have admittedly made, based on the book, I am more so handicapped by a physical disability which has rendered me legally, but not clinically blind. I do not drive, but moved from a big city to the suburbs because my wife could drive, got divorced and am stuck with no car. Daily living is handled by buses, taxis, friends and family. Dating is a different story – and I find this issue invariably kills me on the first date when I am asked where my car is, and then tell them I took a taxi and then have to admit I don’t drive after the interrogation.
How do I remain in control (‘the buyer’) while being put at such a disadvantage? Even if things were to progress to a second date (assuming I correctly employ your techniques, and get past the driving issue on the first date), how do I not assume a more passive position to these women if I can’t drive them around? If I am not the one in control, how will I ever succeed in the dating world?
I appreciate any insights you would be willing to offer.
Thank You.
Justin F., Rochester, NY
Glad you wrote in, Justin, and thanks for the kind words. “Superb piece of work”, “a soul-lifting book of staggering genius” and “the greatest book, like, ever” are exactly the kind of understated praise I can respect. Keep ‘em coming.
Now this one’s a pretty common challenge that comes up. Actually, it’s the most common one that my readers ask me about: “I have a handicap that cannot be overcome.” Heck, come to think of it, it may be the only one. (more…)
Is Los Angeles the Toughest Town for Singles?
Little known fact: I went to high school in Los Angeles, so I’m kind of from Los Angeles. So when I found myself back in LA after a long hiatus, it was a bit of a homecoming. I looked forward to perpetually sunny climes, rollerblading on the boardwalk, and the general openness of the people. The perceived abundance of friendly, fit women didn’t hurt either.
However, the quality of my love life was worse than it had been in any other city. For the first two years, I just assumed I had suddenly gotten ugly and stupid. Then I heard multitudes of other people voicing similar experiences.
Now after six years of being in this town, conducting dating seminars, answering thousands of readers’ letters and writing The Tao of Dating for Women and The Tao of Dating for Men, I’m pretty sure that Los Angeles is a particularly tough city to be single in – perhaps the toughest in the US. Here are one man’s observations on the challenges of socializing and dating in LA: (more…)
Dating Advice: Your New Year’s Eve Midnight Makeout Plan
Awright boys and girls. I’m going to make this quick and I’m going to make this sweet.
In 24hrs, you will have one of the best opportunities for ‘success’ with with the opposite sex, however you define that for yourself. Or at least of meeting someone new.
This is because Thursday, 31 December 2009 is New Year’s Eve. And in every country using the Gregorian calendar, it’s an occasion for serious merrymaking.
In the US, along with Halloween (Oct 31) and Valentine’s Day (Feb 14), it is one of the three best days of the year for meeting someone new.
New Year’s Eve is probably the best of the three aforementioned holidays. Why? ‘Cause everyone gets a ‘get out of jail free’ card for NYE. Engaging in borderline scandalous behavior is exactly what you’re expected to do — it’s like everyone’s in Las Vegas the whole time. And everyone is expected to be kissing someone at the stroke of midnight.
So first, the guide for the ladies: (more…)
Dating Advice for Women: What to Do When the Beauty Fades?
Here’s a great letter that a reader wrote to me recently. It brings up so many great issues — for younger women, older women, pretty women and women who worry whether they’ll stay pretty:
Hi Dr. Alex,
I’m depressed, bummed (child of 70s) and I need help. At least I hope you read this…
Some background: I’m from Nashville, an only child, and looking back I realize I did have a charmed background. I’m not rich but my parents gave me what I wanted.
Honestly, I knew I was drop dead gorgeous. And I thought it would last forever. Now, I’m over 50 – 56, actually. It sounds old to even write it. I’m in Tennessee, did I mention that? Key point — people in the South get married after high school. I’m still attractive but with wrinkles, etc!
So, I’ve been on the dating sites – and I have to admit (more…)
