Recently there’s been much encouraging news for the progress of womenfolk.  A study of US Census data* found that single women in their 20s living in New York City now out-earn their male counterparts by 17 percent.  Separately, Harvard Medical School has been admitting more women than men for some years now.  And all over the country, more women are earning college degrees than men.  Heck, women run companies, states, and even whole countries, as they should.

This is certainly an improvement over the days when women were neither allowed to vote nor own property.  Empowerment of half the world’s population is a welcome trend, so hallelujah to that.

But has there been a downside to this progress?

One of the central tenets of Taoism is the principle of complementarity of opposites.  The principle manifests itself everywhere from elementary particle physics to human relations.  Electrons balance protons.  Sunlight creates shade.  Yin balances yang.  To every positive trait, there is a shadow side.  And every negative trait contains a hidden boon.  A coin cannot have only one side.

Whatever force has brought about women’s progress — call it feminism, enlightenment, or simple economic imperative — has its shadow side.  In the case of the three things I’m going to tell you about, the downside is pretty high (more…)

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Here’s one of the letters I got in response to the Are you muggable article:

Hmm — Dr. Alex, isn’t this just another version of “blame the victim”? How about if instead of warning nice people not to be “too” nice, we point out the true nastiness (and therefore unattractiveness) of people who prey on them, and tell nice people how to spot those predators?
Surely intelligent women would find that approach more appealing. At least, I would. I’m not a victim — I’m just an idiot. In this regard, at least.

Gabriella from Bay Area

Gawrsh, this opens up so many cans of worms.

First off, for the ladies there’s the Bad Boys article on spotting what’s potentially bad for you.

Next, let’s talk about the ‘blame the victim’ thing.  This is not about blame at all.  Blaming is a useless exercise.  Even if you’re justified in being righteously indignant, blame doesn’t accomplish anything. What’s useful is to observe what happened, notice the structure of reality, and use it to live better on an ongoing basis.  That’s responsibility — the ability to respond — not blame.

For example, let’s say you leave your handbag open on the subway.  A few minutes later, you’re in a coffee shop trying to pay for your drink when you notice — oh crap!  My purse is gone!

Now does it really help to stew in your own juices and say, “Omigosh, aren’t people awful?”  Sure, the person who swope (past tense of ‘swipe’, of course) your purse was a bastard.  But that doesn’t bring your purse back.  Next time, don’t be a pansy and zip up your handbag.

If they slit the purse open with a switchblade and take the purse anyway, you can at least rest easy that you’ve done your part.  But an open, unattended handbag with wads of $100 bills sticking out from it is an invitation for bad stuff to happen.

And that, my friend, is often what’s happening.  People are unconsciously sticking the ‘kick me’ sign on their butt, and then wondering why (more…)

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This is an excerpt straight out of Chapter 5 of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Irresistible.  It’s an addendum to the HuffingtonPost.com article “Which Part of ‘Bad Boy’ Did You Not Understand, Sandra?”

We talked about noticing aspects of your own behavior that are relevant to your fulfillment.  For example, if you’re chronically getting in the way of your own happiness through self-deprecation, that’s useful to know (and, by the way, stop doing that already.  Thanks.).  Equally important is to notice behaviors of potential male companions which bear on your fulfillment.

This section is for those of you who find yourselves occasionally (or serially) involved with bad boys only to regret the episode afterwards.  If you’ve never had a problem with bad boys and  don’t think you ever will, you may also skip this section.  If you like bad boys and can handle them just fine, then skip this section.  If you’ve ever found a bad boy even slightly appealing and think you could someday get involved with one, read on.

There’s something attractive about bad boys, which is why smart women need to be able to spot them before getting involved with one, because (more…)

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Angie writes from Australia regarding the “On Bad Boys and How to Spot Them” article she received via email:

I thought this was excellent and could put a huge TICK on each…but what worries me, is:

Am i attracted to these bad boys because there is a part of them inside me too? Does that mean i have some issues i have to look at? Is this bad boy just a mirror of what is going on in my life too? What do you think?  Have you got any feedback from other ‘bad boy’ daters?

I’d like to know,

Enjoy your information always, Angie

Brisbane Qld Australia

Thanks for the letter, Angie.  Here’s the deal: bad boys simply trigger ancient mechanisms that exist in every woman.  In that way, there’s nothing wrong with you if you find yourself responding to them, in the same way that nothing’s wrong with you when you respond to chocolate or ice cream.  We’re just built that way.

That said, you have the choice to recognize this and stay away from them.  You may not be able to control your reaction to them, but you can certainly control your actions.  You can see the ice cream store and walk past it.  You can choose not to stock your fridge with ice cream.  You have choice.

Also, 2-3 days of the month, right around when you’re ovulating, you’re going to be super-susceptible to the charm of more masculine, roguish men.  That’s 10% of your life, and plenty of time in which to screw everything up really good.   Probably a good time to stay away from bad boys.

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The Phoenix rides again — this time almost literally. My comments in italics.-AB

So I’ve probably read more of the Tao this weekend than I should have in one sitting. I got to the point where I couldn’t just stop, so I ended up reading several chapters. However, that play by play will have to wait.

Right now, I am sitting on my couch, dressed and ready to go meet a new prospect. I haven’t gotten to the part of the Tao that tells me whether or not online dating is a good or a bad thing, so I figure (more…)

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