Good evening, Dr. Ali – I’m Tabitha.  Nearly 40, 4 kids, divorced twice, great career, living in the Midwest.  I like to say I have an AMAZING dating resume (some sarcasm, but NO APOLOGIES)!  Best of all, I fully believe myself to be a modern goddess (who happens to adore orchid ice cream!)  I’ve been seeing a gentleman my age for a little while, he has warrior potential.  We’ve enjoyed 4 very long dates…and they are long because of how much we’ve enjoyed them!  The last two dates have included intimacy, with the hope for some of that ice cream.  Unfortunately, while fulfilling many of my needs, this gentleman appears to have erectile dysfunction.  Having an active sex life is important to me, I believe it is important to him, and based on some recent advertising, I’m pretty sure it’s still a possibility!  I’m also pretty sure it’s not very goddess-like to suggest a visit to the doctor (and SURELY he’s noticed)…but what exactly does a modern goddess do in this situation?

Thanks for the note, Tabitha!
A modern goddess is also a grownup, we hope.  Which means — you can talk about it!  The same way you would say ‘wow, your shoelaces are untied’, you bring up the topic.  Ask with curiosity and empathy, but in a straightforward way. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, tell him.  If it’s not, tell him.  Do NOT try to solve his problem for him; that’s his job.  Any time you tell a guy what to do, the goddess risks tumbling down from Mt Olympus.

But you can share how you feel and what you want.  It’s only a big deal if you make it a big deal — no need to get all tongue-tied and embarrassed about the whole thing.  ED is not a character flaw just like a twisted ankle isn’t a character flaw.  Just tell him you want to get something straight between the two of you (ha), and get the dialog started.  The more comfortable you are discussing it, the more comfortable he’ll be.

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Hi Dr. A:

I had a second date with a guy on Sunday that I think I could possibly like–I certainly admire his work and his work ethic. BUT on our second date, we had a make out session but then suddenly he turned into octopus man and actually found out what color bra I was wearing!  I wasn’t prepared for that and now am feeling slightly resentful and guilty and angry and wondering what I did. Yes, I kissed him passionately for minutes at a time. Was that it? Now that it’s done–I won’t see him for a couple of weeks (he’s away working.) That doesn’t bother me (yet.) My question is: How can I tell him I’d like to take things more slowly. I don’t want to cut him lose but he’s moving a little fast.

What’s the nicest, most encouraging thing I can say to him to get my message across without hurting his feelings or chasing him away–which I don’t want to do. I suppose just being honest about my feelings (in a nice way at the right time) would probably be the way to handle this. Just wondering what you think?

Thanks from a big fan, Jessica

Good question, Jess!  Your inuition is correct: tell him that you’d like to take things more slowly — y’know, as opposed to just thinking about telling him.  Communicate!

For difficult conversations, I like to use the Praise Sandwich: start with praise; say what’s on your mind (usually less pleasant than praise); end with praise.  People tend to remember the first and last items in a list best (primacy and recency are the technical terms), so he’ll leave feeling good about the whole thing.  In the meantime, you deliver your message successfully.

Also, in the letter it sounds like you’re blaming yourself for his ‘octopus’ behavior.  From here, it sounds like he did it, and it’s probably because he thinks you’re hot, which is a good thing.  Some day you’ll be 90yrs old and wrinkly and wish guys would make passes at you.  Resentment, guilt and anger would be (more…)

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This reader brings up a great question:

Hi! Alex,
I have been enjoying your autoresponder updates.  Thank you!  I am grateful that my friend told me about you!

My question is:

When a man uses vulgar language (mainly the “f” word) around me (and we are just getting to know one another), how do I let him know that I would rather not hear that? Sure, I have heard the word a lot in life (I am 56) and even said it myself a few times (usually softly when no one’s around!), but I feel uncomfortable when a guy uses it in front of me…

Thanks and blessings! Maureen from Seattle

Well well.  This is a universal issue, isn’t it.  How do we ask for what we want when it can potentially offend the person we’re asking?  It also comes up when giving unsolicited (but direly needed) advice: for example, how do you tell someone he or she has bad breath?  Or that her boyfriend is a loser and she needs to dump him pronto?

There are a few motives here working at cross-purposes.  One is genuine concern for the friend.  Second (a corollary to the first) is not wanting to hurt the friend’s feelings.  And the third is to get some relief for yourself.

First of all, I’d like to bring to your attention that of the three motives listed above, only one really matters: your genuine concern for your friend.  Number two, namely not wanting to hurt the friend’s feelings, is still part of the fact that you care.

Forget about relief for yourself and instead frame it thus: “If this person continues to have raging halitosis, (more…)

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